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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to stop travelling overseas? 36 weeks with 4th DC, full time mum and feeling shattered!

27 replies

Pourmoi · 21/08/2014 20:18

DH says he still has 2 or 3 more European overseas trips to make before my due date. He is usually away for 2-4 nights.

I'm starting to feel really worried and quite down when he is away. I struggle with having the DC all day (eldest 6) and doing bath bedtime alone.

I think it's time for him to stop travelling. AIBU to insist?

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 21/08/2014 20:22

Work or pleasure?

heather1 · 21/08/2014 20:24

If it was my Dh he wouldn't be able to as it's part of his job. Hopefully that's not the case for you. Could you get some extra help? - cleaner or someone to help tidy up in the evenings.
Skip baths a couple of times a week, it will be ok, and just do story.
Could any if your Ds go to a friends for a sleepover or to grandparents/aunties to give you a bit of a break?

Original poster
Pourmoi · 21/08/2014 20:24

Work, but he does have option of not travelling himself and sending one of his team instead.

OP posts:
1sneezecakesmum · 21/08/2014 20:24

I would ask him certainly because it sounds very difficult for you. Is there any other help you can get if he is unable to cancel these trips?

Only1scoop · 21/08/2014 20:25

I'd hope he makes the choice to stop his trips himself. So that he can help out more.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 21/08/2014 20:25

YANBU .

Can you afford it though? Tell him you need help, I bet you could do with a bloody rest!

Original poster
Pourmoi · 21/08/2014 20:26

Finances are squeezed at the moment so not really. Could skip baths I suppose. It's more my state of mind when he is away. Feel really quite down and depressed. I'm sure this is to do with having no company in the evening and just generally worrying about the birth.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 21/08/2014 20:27

Pourmoi if he can delegate then YANBU and you should insist.

liger · 21/08/2014 20:35

Are there any local teenagers that might be available to earn some money by being a mothers help ? They could help with crunch points like dinner and bath/ bed. It play with some of the kids while you sit and have a break during the day. Will also be useful to have continued help once you have a newborn and a travelling husband.

Uou have my sincerest sympathies. I too have four and a travelling husband. These few weeks are the toughest bit. The newborn phase will be easier. My youngest is 22 months now but I remember well how tough it was.

gobbynorthernbird · 21/08/2014 20:37

YANBU. If it was essential work travel and you were being precious, that'd be one thing. But it doesn't sound like you are. Put your foot down, then put your feet up.

Original poster
Pourmoi · 21/08/2014 20:41

We have actually just moved house to a new area and I don't have the network of friends I had before. I suppose that compounds it all the more. I'm sure we'll make lots of friends once school begins but this last couple of weeks of the Summer holidays is going to be tough.

Liger I can't wait for the newborn phase. I find it much easier to cope with sleepless nights than waddling around heavily pregnant! I think I may get some mild pre natal depression too as I've often felt blue towards the end of my pregnancies.

OP posts:
KnittedJimmyChoos · 21/08/2014 20:42

Pourmoi

I do not think you are un reasonable at all and its very glib for your DH not to be with you, in case something happens, all sorts can spring up at the last min, not scaring you I am sure you are aware having had DC already.

I think its really selfish and would want my DH with me in last weeks up to birth and after birth.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 21/08/2014 20:43

I dont think you should have to rely on anyone else but your DH actually, local teenagers networks and so on, I am sorry you are carrying his child and you want help, and he should bloody well give it.

liger · 21/08/2014 21:15

Oh bless you. Yes once you can bend and move freely and have full use of your lungs it's doable - and the newborn phase will come so naturally you will barely notice you are doing something so amazing.

It is extra tough if you are in a new area. Can family come and stay with you? Can he be stricter about leaving on time while the holidays are ongoing at least and he takes over completely the minute he comes in?

My DH was always fantastic at giving me total rest in the first two weeks after birth. He understood that investing early on in my recovery would mean if be able to handle the months ahead far better. It also had the side affect that he has equal childcare skills to me and can take over at any time and know what needs to be done.
Best of luck, try and find as many ways as possible to enable him to let you rest, and lots of TV/ films for the kids is no bad thing in this situation.

minipie · 21/08/2014 21:34

YANBU at all to want him to send someone else if he has the option, seems only reasonable!

YABU to use the phrase "full time mum" though (working mum here Wink)

WooWooOwl · 21/08/2014 23:09

YABU to insist. You could ask if it might be possible, but if the answer is no then you have to accept that.

If it's part of his job then it's part of his job, and even if he can delegate it to one of his team, it's not always as straightforward as just telling someone else they have to go. It can seem that way when you aren't in paid employment yourself, but it generally isn't that easy, especially without much notice.

MrsMook · 22/08/2014 05:28

36 weeks is the latest that DH goes abroad in my pregnancies. I'm pretty well seized up with SPD at that point, so everything is tough and painful. His trips are short, but there's no way he could make it back sooner if an urgent situation arose. A one hour flight is easily a 6 hour journey with the logistics of getting to, from, and through airports.

YANBU

Crocklebog · 22/08/2014 05:49

I just wanted to come on here and say that I wrote a very similar post to yours 5 years ago. I have 4DC with one year gaps between each and had no external support and a DH who worked away. If your DH could stop going away that would be good obviously but it depends on the practicalities of this.

When I was pg with DC4 I was shattered and very depressed. It felt like this was my life forever IYSWIM. But 5 years on things are so much easier and I am over the depression. That's all I wanted to say really. At the time I posted people said this time would pass and it really does. Good luck with the birth and just keep taking each day one at a time xxx

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/08/2014 06:30

You poor thing.

Idontseeanysontarans · 22/08/2014 09:26

If he doesn't have to go then YANBU, my DH does work stuff abroad and it's not just the actual trip, it's the farting around packing, getting organised (him, not me) and usually having to get to the airport at a stupid time in the morning that adds extra faff to the whole thing. You don't need it at this point.
There are things you can do to take the load off yourself a bit though, try showers at bedtime rather than baths. My 3 tend to operate on a 'run in, wash, run out, next person in' basis. Even the toddler has a shower and I find it cuts the evening routine down significantly.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 22/08/2014 09:41

YABU to insist. You could ask if it might be possible, but if the answer is no then you have to accept that

Of course she can insist! He I assume has wanted a large family and his heavily pregnant wife cant cope with them all in run up to birth. For the sake of their marriage he should do everything in his powers to help his wife in her time of needs

Norklessnora · 22/08/2014 09:58

Poor you, it must be very stressful. I hope he listens.

Tikimon · 22/08/2014 12:52

YABU to insist. You could ask if it might be possible, but if the answer is no then you have to accept that.

If it were just two people living together with no kids, I would agree. But when you have a family like that you make choices in everyone's best interest, not just the husband's wants. If he can send someone else, he should do so to take care of his family. More importantly, it's her family as well and she does have equal say.

My dad used to move us all over the country because of his job. My mom finally put her foot down, and she had every right to do so for the sake of me and my brother who were tired of switching schools.

Just because a man wants to do something that brings in income doesn't mean was she quietly comply. She works just as hard as he does, and she has every right to have an equal say instead of a "Yes dear" approach.

Littlef00t · 22/08/2014 17:32

Bearing in mind 37 weeks is considered full term, he's leaving himself wide open to totally missing the birth. I think considering the extra strain for you looking after other children you should insist he delegates.

If you knacker yourself out before the birth you'll struggle to make it back after and will have a big impact on early days.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/08/2014 18:12

How much help is he generally? Does he regard you and the DC as props to improve his image of himself as a Wonderful Family man while spending very little time with you, or is he someone who genuinely pitches in with housework and childcare when he's at home, but happens to have a job that needs all these frequent trips (and is worried that he might lose it and be unable to provide for you all if he starts asking for more time off)?

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