Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Partner is not happy that I still see my step children

79 replies

Zante111 · 21/08/2014 18:30

My partner has a problem even if I mention the name of my step children from a previous relationship let alone meet them.
I think its the link to my previous partner that is at the root of the problem.
I have no feelings for my previous partner whatsoever.
And I do not need to see my previous partner.
Its difficult to cut people out of your life and I would like to know
Does anyone else have similar issues?

OP posts:
1sneezecakesmum · 21/08/2014 19:25

He sounds very insecure and immature. It's not your job to give constant reassurance. You just need an adult conversation and for him to show some understanding.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 21/08/2014 19:27

If he truly loves you then he should be wanting to try and get over this thing that is standing between you and someone you care about. He should be able to see that your DSD enriches your life and that his jealousy is causing you pain. I understand him having issues with anything connected to ex-partner (I think it is natural to feel uncomfortable about an ex) but it seems like from what you are saying he doesn't want to let it go and isn't trying to come to terms with it for your sake.

In fact it sounds like he is trying to make you choose by acting so immaturely about a frigging NAME.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 21/08/2014 19:29

BTW, if someone is this jealous, I can see why they don't want to meet the SD.

My DH really didn't like a good friend I had. Our compromise was that he would be supportive of our friendship and I would see her by myself, that if we crossed paths (e.g. wedding) he would be cool but civil. That is a more mature way to handle it.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2014 19:33

I can't see why at all

This DSD is a grown woman with a family of her own. Who wouldn't want to stay in her life if you had a good relationship before ? That child can't have enough adults to love her/him (in whatever form they choose to show it)

there is no dialogue needed with OP's ex to maintain this...so why this tool should have a problem with it has only one explanation

he wants to control OP and this is just the start of it

fall into line on this one, and kiss your free will goodbye

Original poster
Zante111 · 21/08/2014 19:33

Yes your DH sounds very mature and understanding SCSF

OP posts:
Original poster
Zante111 · 21/08/2014 19:37

I know what you mean AF...
If he can not let it go by now he probably never will

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/08/2014 19:38

So, what's the plan ?

Original poster
Zante111 · 21/08/2014 19:41

I will need to seriously sit him down and confront this head on

OP posts:
Original poster
Zante111 · 21/08/2014 21:15

Once again thank you for all your advice on this

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/08/2014 23:29

Ok, confront him and tell him how it is going to be from now on

I don't recommend you sit down, btw. Stand tall. You have nothing to apologise or make yourself smaller for. If he doesn't like it, then you walk.

Nerf · 21/08/2014 23:40

Here is a comparison. My Ex h has lovely children to whom I was vaguely stepmother like for a cple years . Ex is now ex. No one sees him.
Recently new dh drove two hours each way to see my former stepd and her baby with our dd.
I thought that was nice but normal. ( I couldn't go)

davisha12 · 21/08/2014 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

gertiegusset · 22/08/2014 00:00

O FUCKING K Hmm

heraldgerald · 22/08/2014 00:04

ererr WTAF??

and back to the op.... don't cut contact with your dsd or reduce your time with her - your dp is clearly in the wrong here.

gertiegusset · 22/08/2014 00:08

Yeah well anyway, you do what's right OP.
You know what it is.

Bouttimeforwine · 22/08/2014 00:23

Never dump friends or step children for any man.

No decent man would expect you to, either.

Delphiniumsblue · 22/08/2014 07:28

I think that is the answer-never dump friends, family or ex family for a man.
He is insecure- don't make his problems your problems.
Tell him that you are not changing anything so he needs to deal with it or leave because you are not intending to be controlled.

Vitalstatistix · 22/08/2014 08:02

angelica, do you think we are so stupid that we don't realise you are in fact this con artist yourself, trying to get business.

It is revolting of you to attempt to use someone's sad situation in order to try to drum up trade. It shows you are a person without morals, without ethics. Why you think anyone would choose to use such a person, I do not know.

Nomama · 22/08/2014 08:12

Please, nobody report 'Angelica'.

Let 'her' ridiculous post stay there, to show how pathetic some spammers are.

Zapping Dr Z will only put him out of sight and out of mind. If OP doesn't mind, we could support her and laugh any further sad attempts to rustle up some business. I mean, just reading the wording of that joyous post is a perfect lesson in how NOT to think of your other half.

OP if you ever catch yourself saying/thinking/typing how overwhelmed with happiness you are, come back here for a reality check Smile

If your OH is so very jealous of your relationship with ex's kids then you really do need to have a good sit down / stand up chat / argument with him to get it all talked through and sorted. He can't enjoy feeling so insecure about your relationship, you certainly don't. If you can make him see that it is his behaviour/way of seeing it that endangers your relationship he might be able to rain it in.

But you need to know where your own boundaries are. Are you happy with him dictating who you cannot have contact with? If not, then you must make that clear and let him digest that for himself.

Good luck.

Vitalstatistix · 22/08/2014 08:19

Blush sorry. I already did.

although I just said "cock", so maybe they'll think I was simply engaging in some early morning personal abuse of mnhq Grin

Nomama · 22/08/2014 08:25

Ah well! We can still smirk at his utter stupidity Grin

Delphiniumsblue · 22/08/2014 08:40

I made a deliberate decision not to report and leave so people could judge as pathetic.

MrsKoala · 22/08/2014 08:52

If this were me OP and i really wanted to make it work with this person/give them one more chance etc. I would sit them down and have a very frank conversation explaining how negatively this petty possessiveness makes them look, them feel, you feel and how totally off kilter it is to feel threatened by you being in the same vicinity as an ex (with plenty of others about presumably) at a pre arranged event that thye were also invited to. I would also explain once and for all, that you love this step daughter, they are part of your family, nothing is going to change that and to be against a relationship is frankly bizarre - in fact would he want to with someone who drops people (innocent children) from their lives just because they have a new partner? I certainly wouldn't.

I would make it abundantly clear that this was now THE LAST conversation you were prepared to have about this and would not engage in any further discussion. Then everytime he tries to bring it up give him the death stare and say 'i am not discussing this again' and walk out of the room. If he keeps doing it regardless then i would fuck him right off (altho i'd be considering doing that before all of this anyway if i were you - but if you really can be bothered to give benefit of the doubt one last time, then make sure it really is the last time, don't let this go on and on, it will wear you down and erode your soul).

hellsbellsmelons · 22/08/2014 08:58

Massive Red Flags there OP.
This will only escalate.
And it won't end well.
Your self-esteem will be on the floor by the end of this relationship.

Re-read AF's posts. And take everything on board.

SilverShadows · 22/08/2014 11:25

I'll come at this form another angle.

I am still in contact with my step mother, despite the fact she split from my father when I was a teenager. She was in my life from the time I was a toddler, and we were close.
I see her several times a year(would be more but we live far away), and ALWAYS on occasions like Christmas/Birthdays and she was classed as a VIP at my wedding.

If she dropped me on the say so of a new partner I would be devastated. Please don't drop her.