MILS said baby2 shouldnt be bought its own things.

[DragonFlyx]

I'm quite upset over this remark. But MIL has said our expectant baby shouldn't be bought toys/clothes because it's the second born, apparently second borns aren't as special as the first and should have it's big siblings hand downs, even if it's a boy it should have my daughter's things and its rediculous to buy them anything.

It came when I said not to buy dd anything too big or go over the top with toys because of room and we have another on the way, and every year if there is something I really want to get dd from myself and oh as a special present, she runs out to buy it first. It's quite upsetting and I'm not sure why she's like it.

This year she wants to buy dd really big things like a swing, trampoline, her first bike and what I want to buy her. The house and garden are far too small for swings etx and she knows this.

Am I wrong for being upset over how she is or the comment about baby2? Not sure how to handle it.

[MaryWestmacott]

I think you need to be blunt "We feel showing favoritism to any child is wrong and won't tolerate anyone else doing it either. If we have to cut other people out, we will do, I won't have younger children being treated as less important. As a younger child myself I feel the way my parents made us all feel equally important is the best way to parent and won't stand for anyone else making my younger child feel unimportant."

Be clear, she's giving you warning she intends to show favoritism, you give her warning back that if she actually does it, she'll lose contact with her DGC. Don't wait until she's doing it and then 'spring it on her' that it's not on. Spell it out now, if your DH won't, do it yourself. If it causes upset, so what, she's not cared that she's caused upset by suggesting to you, a younger child, that you are less important than your older sibling.

She did not think about yout feelings, you do not have to tip toe around hers.

[Merel]

If she likes to buy anything you are thinking of buying I would just use this to my advantage to be honest! I'd be happy if someone bought something so I didn't have to (and would just exchange if it wasn't quite correct).

Otherwise I don't really see what's wrong in reusing baby items, I thought people kept hold of them for this reason exactly?

As for her comments about a second baby not being special, this was quite a distasteful thing to say, but I don't think she means you will care about it any less than the first. Maybe she means the first time around it is a new experience and therefore special in that way? Just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt here.

[DragonFlyx]

Thank you so much for feedback, some of which had me loling quite abit!! I thought I was being silly from being upset. Although dd has just informed me about the baby in my tummy, she said mil told her. Me and Oh was waiting till we had a scan photo to show her and explain better. Never mind, just another thing to beat me to I suppose! it makes me laugh, but frustrating that she seems to have to get in there first.

[maras2]

My MIL used to say all sorts of shit.I'd smile,nod and say 'oh yeah, ok' then ignore whatever she was on about.Stop seeing so much of her that she thinks that her opinion counts for anything.If DH objects send him back home to mummy dearest.

[DragonFlyx]

I'm sure she'd be overjoyed to have her little boy back! Lol

[TinyTear]

what the flying fuck??? she even told your daughter before you and your DH??

That takes the biscuit, i would NOT tell her anything at all from now on...

[MaryWestmacott]

Actually, I'd read her the riot act for that, because while it's important to pick your battles, this is one worth picking, I'd tell her you're really upset, it wasn't her news to tell, and as you hadn't had a scan yet, it could have been bad news, at which point you'd have to tell your DD that the baby had died, and manage her grieve as well as your own.

Tell her that you are very disappointed she put her desire to tell above what was best for DD and you will think very carefully before you tell her anything important again.

[crazyspaniel]

Do not talk to this woman about anything from now on. Except perhaps the weather. She has lost the right to be privy to your family's information and news.

[beccajoh]

I'd be livid that she told your DD about the new baby

My son has had some hand me downs but he's got his own things too. Ditto toys. If second children always had hand me downs that'd mean no birthday or Christmas presents then?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

dd has just informed me about the baby in my tummy, she said mil told her. Me and Oh was waiting till we had a scan photo to show her and explain better.

This gets worse! I'd be furious.

[SarahAndFuck]

Unless you are asking her to buy the stuff, it's not her business.

Buy or don't buy whatever you believe is best and don't tell her anything in future unless you are prepared for the world to know as well.

[anotherdayanothersquabble]

I haven't read all of the responses but pop psychology interpretation:

She feels resentful of being the last in a line of 6 and never being made to feel special.
She choose to have only one child and thinks this was the right thing to do.
Her beloved only child has chosen to have more than one child and she has chosen to interpret that as a criticism of her choice to have only one.
She is determined to prove herself right but making your second child miserable and is directing you to do the same.

Have confidence in your choices, love both of your children for who they are!!

(We have a golden grandchild in our family, not my DS, and our eldest is treated like the golden child by both sets of grandparents, this summer they both out did themselves to over-celebrate his birthday despite us trying to play it down. His birthday is in August so he celebrates with both families when we see them for the holidays as well as with his friends before school breaks up and on his actual birthday. I didn't pay enough attention to his impromptu birthday organised by Granny and somehow ended up making two cakes on separate days for that one, in addition to the three other cakes he had, must make a better effort next year to control this madness!!)

[ouryve]

Good grief. I absolutely stand by my first response

Don't discuss anything with her. Plans for holidays, decorating or anything. Even plans for dinner. She has completely struck herself off your sounding board list.

[deakymom]

i used to handle my moms competitive gift buying buy telling her the most expensive things she would never waste money on so she would ask me for something cheaper she would like and i would give her a vague list (ie teletubbies/tweenies etc) one year she went all out and i pre empted her i got my dd loads of polly pocket houses off ebay (seriously i was collecting them for 6 months) she went weird one year by asking me if she could buy her a rabbit i said hell no i have pets im not getting a rabbit so she bought one to be kept at her house that she (my mom) chose and named and took care of so it was really no gift at all!

parents are weird

[JerseySpud]

She did WHAT?!

Gobsmacked.

[dietcokeandwine]

The not buying the second baby anything new is just silly rubbishy twaddlespeak that you can smile and ignore.

The telling your DD about your baby even before you've had a scan is absolutely out of order and I'd be incensed about this if I were you. Completely livid. Not her news to tell!

I agree with a pp. In future, tell her nothing. Limit her involvement as much as you can.

[diddl]

"OH is an only child."

So it has fuck all to do with her as she doesn't even know what she would have done if she'd had another!

" She said she never once had a new set of clothes of toys being the youngest of 6,"

So she's bitter & wants you to treat your child as she was treated?? hahahhaha!

And if the second isn't as special, she won't be interested in visiting very often, will she??!!

[Tikimon]

Well, if I had another daughter, I'd use DD's clothes because babies grow so fast. But I wouldn't dress a boy up in girl clothes.

I had a brother so we never had to worry about getting each other's stuff. We had our own toys and outfits.

[alwaysdoinglaundry]

I think it depends what it is. I have an older daughter and a younger son (2). My son wore her old vests, some of which had fairy princesses etc on the front, because they were under other clothes so no-one would see. He is currently sleeping in a very fetching pink grobag as it is the right tog for the summer and I'm too mean to buy a new one. And he will be using the pink potty we were given for her! But I wouldn't send him out in obviously girly clothes and it is amazing how little of her stuff can be handed down - even jeans have girly designs, flowers stitched in and stuff. All on purpose by the manufacturers I'm sure.

[DemelzaandRoss]

Never heard such a load of rubbish! I'm an only child but would never expect a second child to only have second hand items. Totally ignore this opinion!,

[slithytove]

We lost dd1 in labour, so she never got to wear any of her clothes, and we were already fully kitted out to about 12 months for her.

Dd2 is on the way, and although we are using most of dd1s and some of ds1's clothes, plus some more we got from charity shops, we still made sure we have bought stuff for dd2. There is no 'need', but it was important to us that not everything was originally for someone else. She has her own first outfit, a couple of blankets, all chosen just for her, no one else.

Every child is as special as the next.

[Thebodyloveschocolateandwine]

Stop telling her all your business. She's nuts.

[KnittedJimmyChoos]

I have two same sex and I went out and brought with second because I WANTED TOO, it was fun. And because MIL was critical of me buying anything with dc1 and ruined that pleasure then.

With dc2 I got loads of stuff at baby sales though, so second hand and very cheap. Someone tried to thrust TWO beautiful moses baskets on me for a fiver but I didn't take.

OP are you new to MN because we see you kind of posts all the time, most MLS are very similar,

You need to put her in her place, ThankS MIL but I will be buying first bike etc. And ton of stuff IF I WANT TOO.

[KnittedJimmyChoos]

slithy.

[Purplepoodle]

In my hss own words about his mothers blathering 'purple just ignore her, you should know what she like by now'