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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think veiled comments need explaining

41 replies

CheesyBadger · 21/08/2014 09:05

I am a SAHM with a small business which brings in enough to cover some utilities and I do 90% of all childcare, cooking, housework etc

This morning I am taking 3 year old dd out for the day and dp asks if I need any money.

I say I have some in the bank but if he has any cash that would save me time as I am heading off to collect some other children to come with us. I say that would be nice.

He says 'yes it would wouldn't it' with a little tut and sarcastic tone

He said I was being touchy and it was just a comment which was meant to be funny. I think it was a thinly veiled dig at me taking his cash.

I realise this is petty but I don't appreciate it as I try really hard and pull my weight

OP posts:
Original poster
CheesyBadger · 21/08/2014 09:07

Do I leave his 20 on the table and get my own cash out, being late, just to make my point?

OP posts:
Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 21/08/2014 09:08

I wouldn't appreciate it either. This is why I insisted on joint finances. It took dp a while to get out of his money/your money train of thought but now it works great.

Tell him to piss off.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 21/08/2014 09:09

No take it! Your taking his kids out . I wouldn't pay it back either. Don't cut your nose if to spite your face.

plantsitter · 21/08/2014 09:10

No but you could write him a 'hilarious' bill at the end of the day for the childcare and domestic duties you have done today. Minus the twenty quid of course.

Original poster
CheesyBadger · 21/08/2014 09:23

Thanks everyone! I don't appreciate if at all from him but do feel like I am sometimes over sensitive and hence need help working out if I am taking things the wrong way.

Thanks for taking it as I did, out of order Hmm

He is a grump

OP posts:
Original poster
CheesyBadger · 21/08/2014 09:24

I would love to write the bill! Ha!

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 21/08/2014 09:28

I think you need to ask him what the problem is -

1 - he thinks you aren't contributing enough to the public

or 2 - he finds it a pain to get to the ATM and thinks you have more time/flexibility to draw cash out

If 1, he needs to sort himself out. If 2, he might have a valid point (or not) but minor practicalities like that can cause niggles.

AMumInScotland · 21/08/2014 09:29

not sure where 'public' came from there Hmm I meant 'household' - totally different word!

Original poster
CheesyBadger · 21/08/2014 09:47

He had his wallet in his hand and can start work whatever time he likes. I suspect it is number 1

OP posts:
Original poster
CheesyBadger · 21/08/2014 09:48

Oh I see what you mean about ATM. No, he offered and has lots of cash on him generally

OP posts:
Toooldtobearsed · 21/08/2014 10:11

...or, it meant nothing at all!

We have a joint account and I also have my own. If DH is on his way to work without a packed lunch I will check he has cash to buy a sarnie. If he says no, I will need to go to the ATM, I give him a fiver or whatever, but hand it over with a snarky comment ' best watch out for the moths when you open that wallet'! 'What a surprise, that is £967 you owe me', 'fishfinger and chips for tea the rest of the week now'.

It means nothing. I do not begrudge him a penny, nor he me. It is just a daft throw away remark that stops you feeling like a mammy handing over pocket money.

FunkyBoldRibena · 21/08/2014 10:18

It would be nice, but it looks like he doesn't want to be nice hence the veiled comment.

magicalmrmistofelees · 21/08/2014 10:32

Tooold I suspect if OP and her DH had that sort of jokey relationship she wouldn't be posting here about it. OP I don't think you're being over sensitive, a comment like that would upset me too. I'm currently a SAHM and our finances are completely joint, I don't think I could cope with a 'my money, your money' arrangement.

Original poster
CheesyBadger · 21/08/2014 11:44

I just don't get the gut feeling he was joking. We do have a fun relationship but I think he meant it but pretended it was a joke afterwards to cover up. Hopefully that means he realised he was being nasty.

I don't mind talking about who contributes what, it's the childish sly digs which get to me.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 21/08/2014 12:20

What other childish sly digs does he make OP?

LadyLuck10 · 21/08/2014 12:23

Yanbu, even if he was trying to make a joke in what way would that be even the slightest bit funny.

partialderivative · 21/08/2014 12:27

I don't understand.

Why would he be making a sarcastic comment if he offered the money in the first place without you asking?

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 21/08/2014 12:29

It would depend on MY mood at the time as to how I would take it. If I tired and worn out I'd be likely to reply with 'What's that supposed to mean!?!' or if I was feeling cheerful I'd probably say 'oooooooOOOOooooooooh' and roll my eyes at him followed by 'well you offered.

I generally don't like veiled comments so it would likely be the former I'd do.

Original poster
CheesyBadger · 21/08/2014 20:56

Partial - this is what I don't understand. Baffled

OP posts:
flannelwash · 21/08/2014 21:05

not trying to derail but do people 'share' if one works and the other stays at home with children? I'm currently a SAHM and dp works but nothing is joint, I have certain bills I pay and dp has his bills. I barely stay out my overdraft each month whereas he saves 300 pounds he has left over or sometimes spends it, but hes earnt it surely thats fair. Confused

Original poster
CheesyBadger · 21/08/2014 21:06

Funky - if I want to nip out and dd is up he says 'mummy's running off again' I have asked that if he would rather I wait until she is in bed as I appreciate he is knackered some days, then I can, but he always insists I go and that he doesn't have an issue. Says he was joking.

He disguises a lot of things as jokes. I have pointed out that he either explains how the joke is funny or reveals what the dig was intended to be, but he always says it doesn't need explaining and was just a comment.

We have reached a milestone recently as he has started washing up after dinner as I lost my rag with doing it all every day, so we are making progress.

Oh yes, and the other day he said 'oh I forgot, you're one of those feminists... Joke!' Er, I am and er, wtf. All sarcastic again. This was during the washing up convo.

He just never takes emotional responsibility for anything and it's always my issue. It's bloody hard being a sahm with no previous career to get back to and no other childcare, ever. I can take a joke but its a sore spot and he knows it.

I would love to be earning again in a way which makes me able to contribute 50/50, but for now, my contribution although not monetary, is massive and essential. Bloody grumpy man

OP posts:
Original poster
CheesyBadger · 21/08/2014 21:07

Flannel - this is where dp sits, but it's not fair. My contribution is valid and why should I lose out or feel guilty or like I am begging?

OP posts:
Original poster
CheesyBadger · 21/08/2014 21:23

I must add that he has massive authority and defensiveness issues. He is lovely most of the time but these weird veiled 'jokes' just ruin it!!!

OP posts:
Finney2 · 21/08/2014 21:24

Flannel no, that's not how most people I know work it out. All money is shared money. Who's looking after his kids / doing the household chores and organising enabling him to go out to work to earn that money. Of course you should share it. One half of a married couple shouldn't be on the breadline while the other is living if up. It's not 1940.

magoria · 21/08/2014 21:29

Flannel no I don't think it is fair. He can only work and have that much spare as you look after the DC so he can either work to earn or not pay ££ in child care.

All the time your earning potential goes down while in general his goes up.

Also what is the point in one person getting overdraft fees or going without while their supposed equal and loving partner has loads left over to spend how they like?