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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think veiled comments need explaining

41 replies

CheesyBadger · 21/08/2014 09:05

I am a SAHM with a small business which brings in enough to cover some utilities and I do 90% of all childcare, cooking, housework etc

This morning I am taking 3 year old dd out for the day and dp asks if I need any money.

I say I have some in the bank but if he has any cash that would save me time as I am heading off to collect some other children to come with us. I say that would be nice.

He says 'yes it would wouldn't it' with a little tut and sarcastic tone

He said I was being touchy and it was just a comment which was meant to be funny. I think it was a thinly veiled dig at me taking his cash.

I realise this is petty but I don't appreciate it as I try really hard and pull my weight

OP posts:
Ronmione · 21/08/2014 21:45

flannelwash

No that's not how it should work! So whilst he's saving your going into debt looking after his child.

Money should be pooled then bills/ rent taken out, budget for food..... Then what is left should separated and halved between you, which you can put/spend where you like.

Ronmione · 21/08/2014 21:52

He disguises a lot of things as jokes. I have pointed out that he either explains how the joke is funny or reveals what the dig was intended to be, but he always says it doesn't need explaining and was just a comment.

My dp does this, and sometimes he'll say that I take everything to heart and I'm so easy to reel in. I do reacted but there's no way I'm not going to discuss a comment, if he has something to say then say it.

I started asking him not to hide behind sarcasm/banter and to be direct if he had a problem. The thinly veiled comments has become less.

Original poster
CheesyBadger · 21/08/2014 21:58

I asked dp to do the same this morning ... Hopefully we will make progress

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 21/08/2014 22:25

If a joke needs explaining, then it isn't funny. And none of those sound funny.

flannelwash · 22/08/2014 08:48

wow really? I never thought of it like that. briefly spoke to dp about it last night but he got defensive so I dropped it, this won't be the last of it though.
cheesy dp does this occasionally and the conversation goes like this: "snarky comment" "excuse me?!/what's that supposed to mean? " "just a joke jeez" "jokes are funny." he shuts up, rarely happens these days tbh.

Original poster
CheesyBadger · 22/08/2014 09:16

I hope dp stops, I really do. It is so cruel, especially as he never wants to talk about it in a serious conversation. I know he has these issues festering which he is stewing on.

The part I hate the most is he says he has to walk on egg shells as I get too defensive, touchy and make a big deal out of everything

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 22/08/2014 16:42

The part I hate the most is he says he has to walk on egg shells as I get too defensive, touchy and make a big deal out of everything

Right - he snarks at you and you ask 'what the hell' and it's your fault?

Tell him if he has an issue to raise it with you in an adult fashion and you can discuss a solution. Snarking at you is bound to get you defensive; it is an abusive tactic to disarm you and make you feel guilty for whatever it is he wants you to feel guilty for.

CombineBananaFister · 22/08/2014 17:03

YANBU OP - it's snidey, martyrish and annoying, just because he 'earns' a wage doesn't mean you're not contributing, what would he do if You didn't look after YOUR Dc.
Am really surprised at this thread and peoples attitudes to money and childcare. I doactually work, as does DH, but if I were a SAHM I'd be pissed off to think I had to beg for money from the wage-earner to do stuff or it be lorded over me. The reason he can go out to work at all is because you're doing the childcare?!?
Ask him if he wants to swap - see what he says then.

Original poster
CheesyBadger · 22/08/2014 23:25

Funky - yes, I agree, it is abusive tactics. I can see it, text book, blaming me and me feeling guilty.

It always seems to be when I am going out like when he is annoyed he wants me to have a shit start to the day

OP posts:
Mintyy · 22/08/2014 23:27

Of course its not fucking fair! Jesus why do people have to even ask this question? I despair, I really do.

Original poster
CheesyBadger · 22/08/2014 23:29

Combine - he definitely would not want to swap! In one breath he says I do an amazing job, then in another snide comments.

I hate the walking on egg shells comments. It turns it all round onto me. It makes me feel like I can't have an opinion or be annoyed with him without being blamed for making an atmosphere when he creates it.

What should I say next time he says I am being touchy of defensive? We have circular conversations with me feeling like my head is going up explode as I get so confused... Is it my fault, isn't it... Sad

OP posts:
Mintyy · 22/08/2014 23:31

You are bringing up a child or children together! Everything is a shared responsibility - money, work, childcare, housework. These are all shared concerns.

If you dp/dh can go out to work whenever he likes and earn the money he likes to buy the things he likes, he is only able to do this because you take care of the children for him.

Can you seriously not grasp this??

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/08/2014 23:35

I don't think you should respond at all. I think you should sit him down, and give some examples, and say that this is text book basic abusive behaviour and you want it to stop. If he has issues, then let's get them on the table and discuss like adults, but to stop all the snidey remarks as it is getting nasty now.

Original poster
CheesyBadger · 22/08/2014 23:40

Yes, I get it completely! Agree! I wasn't the one who didn't understand this. (Think it was flannel)

It's more dealing with the veiled comments. How do I get him to see he is using a veiled comment and that it isn't a joke and isn't funny.

Like I said, serious lack of emotional responsibility so he tries to duck out. I understand what you are saying completely, I am just tired of little comments upsetting an otherwise nice family life

OP posts:
Original poster
CheesyBadger · 22/08/2014 23:45

Thanks funky. I hope he understands what he is doing. He just doesn't seem very emotionally mature and even if I use a word with more than 2 syllables he says I am trying to confuse him deliberately! I will try, I really will.

I think I need to be tough, even if I feel confused inside.

OP posts:
flannelwash · 26/08/2014 00:27

I understand completely and feel personally mine and dp's should be done this way, I just didn't realise it was the norm.

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