To have this conversation with my MIL?

[MtnBikeChick]

My MIL lives a fair distance from us, so she has to fly (1.5 hours) to visit. She is late 60s, but in good health - only just stopped working, etc. She comes to visit us for "weekends" - they typically run from 10am on Thursday to Monday night (not a weekend in my book...). Anyway, she is a nice person BUT she is hugely unhelpful. To the point where she leaves the dinner table with dirty dishes on it, or if she clears a plate or two she leaves them sitting on the counter above the (empty) dishwasher. She asks me to do laundry for her within a few hours of arriving. She brings masses of liggage and spends ages 'sorting her room out' and getting ready in the morning. She is OK with the kids - but her attention span for playing is about 15mins. She likes cuddling babies, but that is about it. She never just pitches in and sees a job that needs doing and does it. She wants to be looked after. Last time she came I had a 9 week old (and a 3 year old) and my husband was away for 2 nights. She sat drinking wine doing the crossword whilst I ran away doing the manic post-7pm-bedtime tidy, cooked dinner, did laundry, emptied dishwasher. She likes to sit on her ipad, too. I can't leave the kids with her because she doesn't really want that responsibility (I have asked her in the past and the answer hasn't been positive). Next time she visits, I really want to just be upfront with her when she arrives and ask her to be more helpful. I know that deep down I would love her to be like my Mum who is VERY helpful but not interfering...but that isn't realistic! I just want her to pitch in a bit - empty the dishwasher if it is finished (I have asked her to do this once in the past, and she said she didn't know where things went so she left it all on the counter. How about looking in a cupboard?!!!). I think I need to just be honest and say I am working, I have two small children, my husband works long hours and travels a lot and I would really appreciate it if she saw a job that needed doing, she just did it. I have told her many times I am not precious about my home or my things or doing things 'my' way - I would rather just be helped, I don't care how people do things!!! Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

Why does she turn up with laundry for a weekend? What a weirdo.

^ this. She sounds bonkers!

Monte I would love to know how you ensure that childcare, catering and housework are already done before your guests arrive.

Do you somehow pre-wash the dishes that are used while the guest is here ? Do you shut your DC in the cellar with a packed lunch ?

These tasks are constant, and become greater when there is a guest, and a cleaner and nanny do them during the week, not at the weekend.

OP if I were you I would speak to DH about this, and get him to point his mother in the direction of the kettle/dishwasher etc. And I would not have MIL to stay when DH is away.

Another one who is boggling at the bringing of laundry. Does she not have a washing machine of her own?

It would all piss me off and I would pare her visits down. What is anyone getting out of it? (Well, obviously she's enjoying having OP running round like a blue arsed fly, but she doesn't seem to enjoy seeing her GC all that much, so what's the point?).

Another one who is boggling at the bringing of laundry. Does she not have a washing machine of her own?

It would all piss me off and I would pare her visits down. What is anyone getting out of it? (Well, obviously she's enjoying having OP running round like a blue arsed fly, but she doesn't seem to enjoy seeing her GC all that much, so what's the point?).

To me, grandparents (Parents or in-laws) are different to other guests. In fact I don't even call them guests. "We have family staying". Different set of expectations.

Monte I would love to know how you ensure that childcare, catering and housework are already done before your guests arrive

Planning, cooking in advance, judicious use of freezer, house sorted, stuff planned for DC to do.

When I worked, it required military precision, but like the OP I had a cleaner and nanny.

Now my children are older and I do not work, but i have guests arriving Friday and I'm doing an activity all this week so I will spend tonight and tomorrow night cooking, freezing, sorting beds and organising.

I really don't expect my guests to work while they are at my house. Similarly, when I'm staying with friends I loll about sipping tea and delivering sparkling anecdotes, expensive bath oil and admiration for whatever I am offered.

Manners will if course dictate that I offer to help but luckily my friends are capable of stacking their own dishwashers and managing their own laundry piles.

I can't see that I have anything else to add to this odd thread so thank you for such an interesting discussion.

with thick-skinned people like this you just have to be very direct.

Next time she visits you spell out that she is not to bring laundry with her. After dinner you say 'I'm going to run a bath for the kids, can I leave you to load the dishwasher? Thanks.'

etc etc

yanbu. Next time she tells you she is coming, say "Im sorry but I just cant cope with the additional workload of looking after a guest while the kids are so small, if you want to come of course we would love to see you but you will have to chip in with the chores"

When we used to go to inlaws, mil would happily give everyone their ordersinstructions, I was fine with that. I would always offer help, clear table, wash up, hoover, strip beds, clean bathroom etc HOWEVER, when IL's invited themselves to ours they would want waiting on hand and foot, even clicking the kettle on would have them greatly offended! The thing is it HAS to work both ways.

I really think that family is different, no airs and graces needed, get off your high horse and help out.

As a laid back guest wanting waiting on hand and foot, Id be interested if she treats you as a host- box of chocs/wine?? Im guessing not.....

How frequently is she visiting if she is a 1.5hr flight away?

I get that it's irritating [as hell] when other people pitch in but if the visits are infrequent sometimes you have to suck it up that she views visits to you and your DH as a rest cure. My folks do this and my MIL is a "pitcher-in". Amusingly if I ever complain about guests who can't get out of their own way, DH tells me I am being unreasonable but my parents behaviour is completely unacceptable.....

Who the f**k flies dirty laundry 1.5hrs to someone elses house though? Does she change her clothes 5 times a day or something and insist on going home with a completely clean set of clothing?

Next time I would tell her that the machine is playing up though and the engineer is scheduled to come after her visit. Something like boil washing everything would do the trick so you can still get towels and sheets in there or wash stuff on the QT when she is asleep

Why not get a cleaner and/or nanny then you can relax and enjoy her company?

Yay! There is always one post on these threads where someone has to get all Hyacinth Bucket and make out like we are all living in Downtown Abbey.

YANBU, and frankly a saint for having her back in the house at all after the way she behaved when your DC was tiny...

Let's go through your checklist, Monte:
On my planet, these are things a guest does:
Shows up and leaves when they say they will Fail. MIL says she is coming for a weekend, and then turns up for 5 days
Brings me some little gorgeous thing I don't think dirty laundry counts
Offers to cook/take us all out one night Fail
Is amusing and makes an effort to entertain Fail

So we can confirm that OP's MIL doesn't fit any of your guest criteria, so maybe you should reassess your attack on OP's hosting skills?

Monte I agree with your approach for occasional guests who are not family - I wouldn't expect them to do anything to help.

(Although, as it happens, our occasional guests appreciate we are very busy with small DC and full time work - so they offer to help and those offers are gratefully accepted!)

Like others here, I think family and/or frequent stayers are different and can be expected to pitch in a bit. I wouldn't expect to have to use "military precision" to prepare for my in laws coming to stay. If I took that approach I'd have them to stay much less often, which wouldn't suit them or us.

Sparechange

You don't like her much, do you? If you enjoyed her company I suspect none of this would really matter.

Does DH enjoy having his Mum around? If so, then you may not like her but that is the benefit her visit is bringing to the family. It's not really fair or logical for you to expect her to help you with things you'd normally be managing just fine between you, DH, nanny and cleaner. The laundry apart, it doesn't sound like her being there creates lots of extra work for you, since you'd be cooking for you and DH anyway I imagine?

If her visits are too long then it's up to you to be clear when she has to leave- since she flies I don't think that it sounds like she is choosing to stay longer after saying she'll leave sooner, it is that you have agreed in advance to those dates. So don't, and make your DH have that conversation if necessary.

What happened to FIL? If she is widowed, have some compassion for her. She probably just likes being amongst people, even if she's not good at organised play or is distracted by her iPad. In fact she probably thinks the iPad is her keeping out of your way and not being too demanding on your emotional energy.

I personally hate it when guests try to help and I would never in a million years ask a guest to empty the dishwasher.

I think it does depend how often she visits. If it is infrequently then I would just grit my teeth and get on with things; if every month then yes I would be tempted to be more assertive in asking for help.

When we visit her, DH does all the cooking and buys the food because 'he's such a good cook and I am so tired' (her words).

Does your DH know how you feel? If you visit her often then it might be tempting to both behave at her house like she does at yours and sit around waiting to be run after. See how she likes it.

I have asked her to do this once in the past, and she said she didn't know where things went so she left it all on the counter.
Oh now that made me smile! My PILS, bless them, are lovely and only too happy to offer help - but they hardly ever put things away after washing up for this very reason. DH and I have been married 27 years and living in this house for 15. During those years PILs have visited many, many times and I can hardly believe that they haven't noticed where the plates live yet. Or the glasses which are in a kitchen cupboard with a glass door so they can see that is where they live. Or the pans which live on a clearly visible pan stand. Or the cutlery which lives where everybody's cutlery lives - in a kitchen drawer....

I agree with others that the laundry thing is odd.

But really, does she cause a lot of extra work for those few days?

And what does your husband do to help whilst she is there?

I agree with the others - who on earth brings dirty laundry on a weekend away? Although, as you mentioned OP, her definition of "a weekend" is different to mine. I'd never dream of staying at someone else's house for several nights without even offering to clear the table or wash a dish!

At the very least ask her not to bring laundry. Why on earth is that necessary?

^You don't like her much, do you? If you enjoyed her company I suspect none of this would really matter. ^

..so if mil was wonderful lovely and supportive, the things op mentions wouldn't grate....erm nope I don't think so but then the key word is 'supportive'. OP cant enjoy her company she is too busy running around after MIL and two kids while MIL sits on her --arse- IPAD ignoring the kids, drinking wine.

Really, who rocks up to close family members houses to be waited on hand and foot for any length of time, even more so with small kids??

Se changes clothes frequently and washes things (like jeans) after half a day of wear. She has been married twice and is now divorced. She visits about once a quarter. The thing is, her visits are all about her. She needs a break, she needs a cuddle with the baby, she is tired (wtf?!). She wants to be looked after like a baby! She never, ever offers to cook. She ha very little money (we pay her flights - after she books them without checking days and times with us ). My husband finds her hard work and he is not close to her. I don't need DH to talk to her for me - will happily do it myself! I am thinking that this time DH and I will ask her to babysit one night, and go out for dinner and stay over somewhere. I think that is entirely reasonable - both kids go to bed at 7 and we would be back by 10 am the next day. We never do things like that and in all honesty, that would make me feel 100x better about running around after her having just worked 4 x 14 hour days!!!!

Thats easy then. Tell her that she is not to book without checking dates again as DH may be travelling/you may have plans etc.
If she does, don't reimburse her and it will be the last time it happens.

Do you trust her to look after the kids?

My dad used to stay for a month & I never asked him to cook.

Seemed easier for me to include one more than to ask him to cook for 5 iyswim.

He would obviously get his own breakfast & evening meal (help yourself to whatever you can find!) so it never felt like extra work.

I'm guessing that's why I wonder what "running around" you do for her.

So, she invites herself, doesn't check times, just books flights - which you then pay for. She brings her dirty washing with her, and expects you to run around after her cooking and cleaning while she keeps the sofa warm.

No wonder you don't like her much.

Does she book flights and then you refund her? Otherwise how would this be possible?
Four times a year your h's mother comes to stay....and she likes to spend her time cuddling her grandchildren. Sounds perfect.

Just look after her and stop moaning, you'll feel better for it

YABU