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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have this conversation with my MIL?

74 replies

MtnBikeChick · 19/08/2014 20:24

My MIL lives a fair distance from us, so she has to fly (1.5 hours) to visit. She is late 60s, but in good health - only just stopped working, etc. She comes to visit us for "weekends" - they typically run from 10am on Thursday to Monday night (not a weekend in my book...). Anyway, she is a nice person BUT she is hugely unhelpful. To the point where she leaves the dinner table with dirty dishes on it, or if she clears a plate or two she leaves them sitting on the counter above the (empty) dishwasher. She asks me to do laundry for her within a few hours of arriving. She brings masses of liggage and spends ages 'sorting her room out' and getting ready in the morning. She is OK with the kids - but her attention span for playing is about 15mins. She likes cuddling babies, but that is about it. She never just pitches in and sees a job that needs doing and does it. She wants to be looked after. Last time she came I had a 9 week old (and a 3 year old) and my husband was away for 2 nights. She sat drinking wine doing the crossword whilst I ran away doing the manic post-7pm-bedtime tidy, cooked dinner, did laundry, emptied dishwasher. She likes to sit on her ipad, too. I can't leave the kids with her because she doesn't really want that responsibility (I have asked her in the past and the answer hasn't been positive). Next time she visits, I really want to just be upfront with her when she arrives and ask her to be more helpful. I know that deep down I would love her to be like my Mum who is VERY helpful but not interfering...but that isn't realistic! I just want her to pitch in a bit - empty the dishwasher if it is finished (I have asked her to do this once in the past, and she said she didn't know where things went so she left it all on the counter. How about looking in a cupboard?!!!). I think I need to just be honest and say I am working, I have two small children, my husband works long hours and travels a lot and I would really appreciate it if she saw a job that needed doing, she just did it. I have told her many times I am not precious about my home or my things or doing things 'my' way - I would rather just be helped, I don't care how people do things!!! Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 19/08/2014 21:06

When you visit family you're not on your holidays, ffs! OP, your MIL is bang out of order and sounds a lazy article, too. Does she think she's staying in a hotel?

For all of you who say a guest is a guest and should do absolutely nothing, this is the OP's MIL who invites herself and stays for several days. Do you really think the OP should be a slave to her?

If the MIL has recently retired, every day is a holiday. She can afford to help out when she visits her family.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 19/08/2014 21:06

How frequent are her visits?

Lucylouby · 19/08/2014 21:16

I would get really miffed if my mil treated me like this. She is adding to your work load every time she visits. How often does she visit?

My mum comes and helps out, but mil comes and expects to be waited on. We don't invite her often for this reason.

I don't see my mum as a guest in our house. She is part of our family and I expect her to help a bit. Just as we go to our house and wash up after meals, lay the table, help with any meal preparation, laundry etc that needs doing.

Maybe next time she visits go down the route suggested up thread. When she presents you with laundry, past her to put it in the machine and the powder is under the sink. Ask her to peel the veg while you finish another job. Ash her to wash up after you have cooked. If that fails, you or preferably your DH as it's his mum, needs to have a chat about helping a bit more when she visits.

SmallBee · 19/08/2014 21:23

I think everyone has different ideas about what being a guest in someone's home is.
I know some people who do view it a bit like a hotel, they're going for a visit somewhere nice & they don't help. In return they'd look after guests the same way in their home.
Some treat their visits as no different to being at their home & see jobs that need doing & help out.

I'm somewhere in between, I'm nervous in other peoples houses, I am not able to make myself 'at home' in another persons house, I don't feel comfortable. I wouldn't just see a job and do it because is be worried if do it badly/not to their standard/would insult them by inadvertently suggesting they hadn't done housework.
However I'll always ask if there is anything I can do & set & clear a table.
I've a relative who does a crazy busy job & is never at home except to sleep, as a result she has a cleaner & has done for most of her life. She wouldn't see a job and do it because she genuinely has no idea what do to. She was staying with us at Christmas and was panicking in case she was hoovering 'wrong'. Again if you give her a specific task she will happily do it.

I do think it should be your DH that talks to her but if for some reason he refuses then I agree with PP give her specific tasks & explain why. Thank her for her help afterwards so she'll feel useful & confident in repeating that task.

Smoolett · 19/08/2014 21:44

Yanbu shes family and she should help you. There's nothing worse than in laws who come over and expect to be waited on!

Pugaboo · 19/08/2014 22:37

I think YABU to say that to her actually because she is still a guest in your house.

But YANBU to "encourage" her to do her own washing, and discourage her from making future visits.

What happens when you go to visit her?

EndoplasmicReticulum · 19/08/2014 22:59

I think visiting family members should pitch in, or at the very least clean up after themselves so they are not making more work.

There's a difference between "not wanting to interfere" and "being a lazy so and so".

Original poster
MtnBikeChick · 20/08/2014 07:10

Montegomongoose... I do have a cleaner and a nanny, as I work. I am not asking her to deep clean my house, just help out a bit. Actually, we have guests all the time and they all (especially fellow mum and dad friends) pitch in because it is just polite! many even strip the beds before they leave (tho I would never expect that!!). When we visit her, DH does all the cooking and buys the food because 'he's such a good cook and I am so tired' (her words).

OP posts:
BringMeSunshine2014 · 20/08/2014 07:34

If she hasn't improved when you have asked in the past (ie the dishwasher) & clearly she isn't a 'naturally helpful person' then just start saying 'No, that weekend isn't convenient' then when she eventually asks DH what's going on he can tell her that she causes too much work & doesn't pitch in when she comes and that your weekends are precious and not for waiting on guests.

Bustermqc · 20/08/2014 07:42

Monte YABU! Seriously it is totally reasonable to expect ANY guests not to expect their laundry to be done! I never expect my guests to do anything but they always offer. Of course they do, that's just normal and I've never heard differently. I'm sure some people won't let their guests lift a finger but that doesn't mean those guests don't offer or ultimately contribute in some way.

weatherall · 20/08/2014 07:43

Why does she visit?

I wouldn't think to interfere with someone else's stuff if I was visiting their home. A guest isn't expected to clean and tidy surely?

And if you already have a cleaner and a nanny then why on earth do you need guests to chip in?

RonaldMcDonald · 20/08/2014 07:57

My mum is like this.
Eventually we chatted ( calmly somehow although it was a close run thing ) and she said she hated it when my gm came to stay or visit and did things when we were small. So she didn't as she thought I would/could ask if I wanted her to.
This was probably true but she did also like being 'treated' by me - full hotel service with hot snugly babies thrown in. ( I feel awful saying this as she is in a wheelchair now, although it is unrelated and I know I'm being daft)

My MiL is much better but said it was a lot harder to know how to approach things in your DiL's house. Maybe that's it?
Speak to her, tell her you need her support when she visits. Might be what she wants to hear. Or not and she'll ignore anyway....

SweetsForMySweet · 20/08/2014 08:03

YANBU but I would ask your dh to say it, she is more likely to listen and agree if he says it(and she'll "forgive" him easier because he's her ds. If you do decide to tell her yourself, make sure that your dh is there so she knows that it's from both of you and she can't twist your words afterwards. Be gentle but firm!

SignoraStronza · 20/08/2014 08:08

I've trained the kids (even the two year old) to put dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Make a big fuss of them when they're being 'helpful' and shame her into it.

Imbroglio · 20/08/2014 08:41

I think it does kind of depend how often she visits. Once a year, then maybe putting up with it is the line of least resistance. Every couple of months - things have to change!

Could you have your mum over at the same time one weekend, and spend lots of time having nice chats over the chores with her, or have your mum gently encourage her to help out?

JustAShopGirl · 20/08/2014 09:17

grrrr - I hate when people say "get your DH to talk to her" why? Is she a special type of human being who can't be spoken to by anyone other than direct bloodline?

You want help, you just ask for help, you want something specific done, you just ask her to do it, and explain it and provide the tools to do so.

She sees herself as a guest - because you have treated her as a guest. As a guest I would not interfere in someone else's home unless asked, or told what needed doing. And the first few times I would probably be an absolute pain in the butt... "Where does this go?" "Do you use a specific cloth for this?" "Do you want me to rinse the plates before they go in the dishwasher?" etc,etc,etc.

deakymom · 20/08/2014 09:23

if i was your mil i would be swiping the baby for cuddles and getting an app to play with the three year old on my ipad

she seriously drinks wine while you run around? does she even OFFER you a glass?

my five year old puts his plate in the dishwasher

Imbroglio · 20/08/2014 09:50

Would the 'make yourself at home' approach work? Keep telling her she's a member of the family and you don't mind her getting stuck in.

Shelby2010 · 20/08/2014 10:08

If she's a guest then she waits to be invited before she comes & gets 'looked after'.

If she's family & comes/invites herself when she wants then she needs to pitch in.

If she's a lazy mare looking for a holiday tell her to take a hike cruise instead.

Original poster
MtnBikeChick · 20/08/2014 10:16

When I say pitch in, I don't want her to be on her knees scrubbing floors or cleaning loos. I want her to do what the rest of us do - and what other guests do - help lay the table, help clear the table, offer to fold the laundry, empty the dishwasher - not sit getting waited on. It wouldn't be so bad if she enjoyed playing with the kids, but she doesn't. She bores of them. She comes to be entertained and looked after. She lives in a very rural place and gets bored. She is needy (seeks approval ALL the time). Once she came and asked me to do her laundry. I showed her how to use the machine that time. She did quite a lot more laundry that weekend and left a load of bras and pants behind so I had to post them back to her (she asked me to post them ASAP!!)

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/08/2014 10:17

Agree with Monte. If you have expectations of tidying up, childcare, whatever, then ask.

Unless your MIL is visiting you EVERY weekend? That's a different story. How frequent are these visits, OP?

When I have my mum or MIL here, they are guests and I look after them. It's not that often, admittedly, but when they are here that's what happens.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/08/2014 10:20

... and about the emptying of the dishwasher? I wouldn't do that in somebody else's house. 'Look in the cupboard' is not a good instruction... how does it help? Most of the stuff from the cupboard is in the dishwasher isn't it?

What is it that you want your MIL to do exactly? Can you ask her directly? I'm aghast that you need your husband to talk to her. I'd think you were scared of me and a bit wet really (if I weren't a dragon to you). Your MIL sounds like she enjoys these visits with you. If you don't then shorten the frequency. :(

PrimalLass · 20/08/2014 10:29

Why does she turn up with laundry for a weekend? What a weirdo.

To be fair, I let my mum load/unload the dishwasher but not my MIL because my mum is a fellow dishwasher loading freak but MIL is so helpful and takes the kids out etc.

I'd be hacked off if I were you too. I think some people on here have very strange, formal relationships with their families, whereas we are 'all pitch in'.

Lymmmummy · 20/08/2014 11:15

YANBU - but just think is it worth hassle - are there other strategies that are better - ie reducing number of visits she makes, insist your husband is around when she visits - stop her comg for so long ie make it fir eve to sun pm if she is essentially someone who expects to be fussed over she may not chnage and may take offence if you tackle it directly and just reducing your exposure to her maybe better etc

Appreciate frustrating - but cld be worse she could be the type that wants to be overly helpful/bossy or critical of your housekeeping at I easy she is laid back

Montegomongoose · 20/08/2014 11:16

If you have a cleaner and nanny, why are you so cross that she won't do chores? Especially as you haven't asked her specifically to do anything.

On my planet, these are things a guest does:
Shows up and leaves when they say they will
Brings me some little gorgeous thing
Offers to cook/take us all out one night
Is amusing and makes an effort to entertain

These are things I do when someone is staying:
Make them up a welcoming comfortable room
Be organised and plan ahead so that child care, catering and housework are already done and minimal effort required so I can concentrate on enjoying their company and catching up
Beg them not to empty the dishwasher or I will never find anything
Assume, as sentient adults, they have packed enough clean clothing to cover the planned activities, assume they will ask me if they need to wash anything
Would not dream of expecting them to clear tables, wash up, do my laundry or anything else of a domestic nature
Minimise exhausted drudgery and if that's impossible, politely defer the visit.

Amazed anyone ever visits me! Got a houseful this weekend, am radically rethinking strategy. My linen cupboard is a disgrace and the drains overdue a hosing.