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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable that my friend leaves her dd home alone?

88 replies

BocaDeTrucha · 19/08/2014 11:38

My friend has done an amazing job of bringing up her dd as a single mum and since having my ds, I know even more how hard it must be to do it alone. She has now met a lovely new man and live together. Since meeting him she has become a gym fanatic and is looking great but told me the other day that she goes with dp to the gym in the morning and leaves dd alone in bed with a list of things to do to get ready for summer club. She comes back around 10am, takes dd to summer club then goes back to the gym.

She's not forced to leave dd alone to hold down a job (she's not working at the moment) but chooses to do it to go to the gym. This makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Dd is my goddaughter. Am I being too sensitive and is this normal?

OP posts:
LiberalLibertines · 19/08/2014 12:12

Bloody hell no.

I once left my 6 year old ds to nip to shop (total of ten minutes)

He was ill and watching a film, but I worried the entire time, and wouldn't do it again.

Your friend is a selfish mare, she just wants to go with her dp, when she could in fact go later.

Sounds like neglect, and I'd give any friend of mine both barrels over it.

LIZS · 19/08/2014 12:12

It isn't actually illegal in this country although parent find themselves at risk of neglect charges. In some countries where children walk themselves to and from school from 4, play out unsupervised and crime rate low it isn't such a no-no. Not that I would do it.

justmyview · 19/08/2014 12:14

I think the gym is a red herring. 6 is too young to be left alone, whatever the circumstances / reason. What does your friend's new partner think of it?

misstiredbuthappy · 19/08/2014 12:16

Oh my god no, 6 is far to young. Cant belive your friend thinks that its okay.

misstiredbuthappy · 19/08/2014 12:18

If she thinks its okay to leave her when shes in bed in the morning. Do you think she would leave her whilst she slept at night op !? That's a scary thought.

AnnieLobeseder · 19/08/2014 12:21

Nope, too young. I leave my 9 yo DD alone at home for 15-20 mins watching TV sometimes if she really doesn't want to come for a dog walk with me. But my 6yo - never.

Katkins1 · 19/08/2014 12:23

My DD is 6 and I'm a lone parent. I'd never leave her alone- whatever the reason. Far too young in my opinion.

Original poster
BocaDeTrucha · 19/08/2014 12:24

I think it's not only the "what could happen to her" but also the idea that its telling her dd that her new dp is more important than she is. I haven't had the chance to speak to him about it but I guess he thinks it's OK otherwise he wouldn't go along with it.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 19/08/2014 12:25

10 minute trip to the shops - fine.

Going to the gym - awful.

What kind of message is that giving the poor child about where her priorities lie?

PicardyThird · 19/08/2014 12:37

Like AnnieLobeseder, I leave my 9yo alone for up to half an hour sometimes when collecting his brother (on foot, wouldn't do it if I had to drive/take bus etc). But my 6yo I would never ever leave alone, even though he is closer to 7. I don't live in the Uk either and people do have different ideas about children's safety here but I can't think of any parent I know who would be Ok with leaving a 6yo alone for an hour.

Rowgtfc72 · 19/08/2014 12:47

Iv left my six year old for ten minutes and I'm the most lenient of the parents I know. Dd is seven now and would actually be OK for an hour but I never would leave her that long.

DeWee · 19/08/2014 12:50

I wouldn't do it: I have a 13yo, 10yo, and (just) 7yo. My 13yo does sometimes look after the 7yo for a short time (less than an hour). My 10yo has just started staying for short times on her own. I won't leave all three as there's too much scope for arguements.

However, my 7yo often begs to be able to stay on his own. He would absolutely love to do that-certainly much more than sit on the side while she does her gym stuff. He loves to be on his own doing his own thing.

I am sure if I said to him "I'd like to go to the gym, would you like to stay on your own at home", after falling down laughing at the idea of me doing gym, he would be pushing me out of the door with a big grin on his face. He wouldn't see it as him coming second in priorities; he would see it as me giving him some freedom.

Personally I hated being left on my own right the way through my teen years, so I am always very careful to make sure the children are happy to be left even if it's inconvenient to take them. There are times when I've been on the way out and checked with them, and they've decided actually they would rather come, but that's rare. They do enjoy staying on their own and don't have the problem that I always had with it.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/08/2014 12:57

No no no 6 is still really little, they have not got the abilities to deal with things that could go wrong. Tgey might even try to do unsafe things, like make something to eat using electrical appliances. I would definitely have a quiet word with my friend.

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/08/2014 13:04

I don't quite get why she doesn't go to the gym whilst the girl is at summer school...

VinoTime · 19/08/2014 13:06

Last night I put my 7yo dd to bed at half past 7 and did some housework. I was cleaning up the kitchen and putting bits away when I realised I had no milk and no bread, so no breakfast type things in for dd this morning. I went in and checked on her (she was fast asleep), locked the house up tighter than Fort Knox, made the dog guard her bedroom and grabbed my wallet. I bolted to the corner shop that is 20 seconds away from my house, grabbed a loaf, some bananas and a pint of milk, and sprinted all the way home. I was away less than 5 minutes and I spent the rest of night kicking my own arse for doing it.

Now it probably takes me longer to get the bins out every week and pop them down to the end of the road, but I felt fucking awful! She was fast asleep and completely unaware, but it just didn't sit right with me. It made me feel really jittery!

Your friend should absolutely not be leaving a child of that age to go to the gym. Can you speak to her about it and see if she'll stop? If not, it needs reporting, imo.

areyoubeingserviced · 19/08/2014 13:07

My friend left her 5 year old ds alone while she went to the local shops ,. Unfortunately , the weather was icy and she fell down and broke her ankle on the way to the shops.
She didn't want anyone to know that she had left her ds on his own, so rang me on her mobile and asked me to go to her house.
Luckily, I had the spare key and so was able to take her ds.
After this incident, she never left him alone again.

TheReluctantCountess · 19/08/2014 13:11

My ds is nearly eight. I wouldn't leave him alone, even for ten minutes. And he's quite sensible.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 19/08/2014 13:15

Oh dear, what are you going to do? Six is too young to be left, I have started leaving my eldest and she's 10 although I would have left her at 9 as she's pretty sensible and this was the age I could trust her to phone on her mobile if any problems.

Also, I bet the gym is a long time, not a 10 min pop to the shops. Really not ok to leave a 6 year old with no childcare for several hours!

redexpat · 19/08/2014 13:17

I'm usually quite relaxed about children being left alone - I'm definitely at the more relaxed end of the MN scale, but that age for that length of time makes me feel uneasy too. 15 minutes while you run out to get bread and milk is one thing, but 2-3 hours is something else.

weeonion · 19/08/2014 13:22

I think 6 is too young.

My dd's (7) friends mother got reported for such a thing.

Her DD doesn't like shopping so she would park wee girl in bed in evening with tablet whilst she went to shopping centre (about 10 minutes drive away). She also left her dd with mobile phone and her own number on screen in case wee girl needed to call.
Had done this about 6 times with no problems.

Last time her dd fell and bumped her head in kitchen whilst climbing on stool to get a drink from fridge, just after her mum left. Mum didn't realise her phone had been switched to silent. Her dd was trying to call her, no reply. Wee girl was v upset so went across landing to opposite flat. Neighbour took her in. When mum returned 1.5 hrs later with monthly grocery shop, neighbour was livid and had called social services. Mum is not from this country and her English isn't the best so she didn't really understand what was going on. In her home country they are quite relaxed about this.
Mum got visit from SS next day. V confused as to what she had done wrong but told inno uncertain terms it was not to,happen again.

Her dd now has a sleepover with us when mum needs to do her big grocery shop.

Showy · 19/08/2014 13:40

I left 7yo DD a couple of months ago. She had a bad cold and was in PJs on the sofa. I live opposite a shop. We needed milk and more calpol. DD wanted to stay on the sofa. She could see me out of the window, into the shop and back. I would have been further away hanging out laundry or paying for petrol. It took 2 minutes and felt wrong wrong wrong.

weatherall · 19/08/2014 13:52

It's not illegal to do this in the UK.

Not so long ago here, and still in other European countries 5 year olds walk themselves to and from school everyday.

A child with the right kind of temperament who had been raised to be independent could cope with this with no problems. However we live in a cotton wool society where I think lots of 6 yos in UK today couldn't cope. That's why it's good there are no hard and fast rules.

The mum knows her child better than anyone else. Maybe we should be trusting mums' judgement more and be less hasty to clutter up strained social work services with cases like this when actually abusedchildren are being ignored.

KERALA1 · 19/08/2014 13:56

You can get great fitness DVDs (Davina McCall good or just you tube) so you can exercise at home buy your own weights job done. You don't need to go to a gym to be fit

rookiemater · 19/08/2014 14:07

I agree with some of what you say weatherall. I think we do over protect our DCs here - DS is 8 and I'm now exploring what is sensible for him to do on his own and am getting funny looks from other parents about things that I think are ok, like letting him cycle to the local postbox about 1/4 mile away.

However this isn't walking to school where parent will be alerted if DC doesn't turn up within short time frame and is presumably walking with other DCs. This is a 6 yr old child being left on their own for up to 2 hrs and then sent off to holiday club for the day. I wouldn't do it to DS and I certainly wouldn't do it to a 6 year old.

Original poster
BocaDeTrucha · 19/08/2014 19:08

kerala, we're talking of someone who does leg presses of 200kg, not just getting fit... She's hardcore... Plus part of it is the being seen thing..

weatherall, I too agree with you to a certain extent and I know the girl very well and is very capable of looking after herself. However, is more the element of it being totally unnecessary that makes me uncomfortable. She has plenty of time to go when dd is our but chooses to go over being with her 6yr old child.

OP posts: