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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish my boyfriend would contribute to food costs?

75 replies

UngenerousCow · 18/08/2014 09:39

My partner works full-time and rents his house, which he shares with a friend. I also work full-time and rent a house, which I share with my child. Both on very modest salaries. My partner has a debt which is a large chunk of his monthly wage (it will be paid off next summer). This means he is left with very little money every month after bills. I accept this.
As our relationship has been going really well he has started spending most nights round mine, having meals and sleeping over. About 5 nights out of 7. This is lovely and I wanted this to happen, but I've noticed an increase in my online food bill as a result, also he has asked me to order toiletries to keep at mine, which aren't cheap. If we ever pop out for a little top-up shop for a few quid he will sometimes pay. In my head I have worked out that what he isn't spending on food at his house, he is probably spending on buses to/from work when he is at mine ( when he is at home he can walk to/from work).
On the flipside he is a really good man and cooks, cleans, washes up, mows lawn, takes care of my dc and so on without being asked. So in a way he is earning his keep, right? Paying for him isn't leaving me unable to pay my bills or anything, it's just an irritation mainly. We've talked about living together at some stage and that everything would be split 50/50, so in the meantime should I just say nothing and suck this up? I don't want to make him feel bad, as he isn't a freeloader by any means and often feels guilty that he has so little money.
Am I being a stingey, petty, ungenerous cow?

OP posts:

abigamarone · 18/08/2014 16:00

Buying his toiletries is unreasonable, but his extra transport costs are level to the extra food it'd be unfair to ask for cash.

I once went out with a chap for several months and for practical reasons it was always easier for me to stop over at his. I'd always take a bottle and some croissants for breakfast but it turned out it irked him to be providing the evening meal - he never offered to contribute to the £10-15 a time I was spending on petrol though. Really put me off him.

Nomama · 18/08/2014 16:43

You trot along to the supermarket or fill an online order for whatever for men's shaving foam, razors, etc? I struggle to believe any decent man would let a woman do this for him.

Fuck, that means I've been married to a total bastard for 25 years!

He lets me buy toiletries for him, worse, he allows me to buy clothes for him too!

Oh no! Wait.... he buys stuff for me too. Ah yes, that's what's known colloquially as 'a relationship'.

Is it just me or has the 'ltb' heat just been raised on this thread?

ChelsyHandy · 18/08/2014 16:59

Presumably you live together with your husband Nomama in a shared household?

The OP maintains her own household, as does her boyfriend. You do realise there is a difference?

I cannot, in any other universe, imagine me trotting along to the supermarket so as to stock my bathroom with men's toiletries for a visiting boyfriend. No matter how often he eats free of charge at my place.

Surreyblah · 18/08/2014 17:08

Very cheeky of him to ask for you to order and pay for toiletries. He should be contributing to the food bill IMO if he's there five nights out of seven.

The debt / bus fares / him doing a share of the domestic work are irrelevant.

If transport costs are an issue he could walk further, ride a bike or stay over at OP's less often.

My friend married someone with major debt, helped him pay it off over many years. Now they have DC he is trying to pull a guilt trip about her being on maternity leave

Suzannewithaplan · 18/08/2014 17:10

The other stuff is just stuff you do in a relationship. Just like you don't add up the time you provide company or sex to him

I agree we (or at least most of us) don't consciously calculate all the stuff we do in a relationship but I think that at least subconsciously we weigh up what we give vs what we get and that gives us an instinctive feel for whether things are fair

AMumInScotland · 18/08/2014 17:11

nomama shared household, shared finances etc do make a difference. A visiting boyfriend with completely separate finances shouldn't be expecting the OP to just put her hand in her pocket for things that are his toiletries.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair · 18/08/2014 17:20

I'm in a similar situation, but while I buy food/toiletries at home (DP is rarely at his own house) he will always pay when we go out (at least once or twice a week) and often pops out for bits for dinner or turns up with bags full of BBQ stuff etc. He'd feel like a freeloader if he didn't and he finds it uncomfortable on the odd occasion I pay for us to eat out, as he wants to be seen to be sexist gentlemanly!

Given your DP's finances I can see why it would be tempting for him to take advantage, but you need to draw a line before he takes the piss. Next time he asks you to add something onto your shop say that you've noticed the totals going up of late as he's here so much and would he mind sticking £20 in your purse to help towards the costs of food/toiletries etc. If you ask nicely he has no reason to be annoyed, if he is then that tells you something about him.

Nomama · 18/08/2014 17:21

Really? Cos for the first 5 years of our relationship, when we weren't always living together, we shared cash and food according to who needed what. I don't think it ever crossed my mind, in the times when he was tight for cash, that I shouldn't help him out... we were in a relationship. They aren't always financially equal and, as has been said, I have never kept a track offo who paid for what.

But if today's mores insist on total equity and abhor the give and take, then I can see why so many people remain single.

That and the bit I quoted did not specify 'man out of wedlock'...

ChelsyHandy · 18/08/2014 17:27

Nomana I can assure you, you are the not the only woman who sends your husband out to buy tampons!

As our relationship has been going really well, he has started spending most nights around mine, having meals and sleeping over

Excuse my surprise that the "starting staying over" includes provision of toiletries, hotel style!

Nomama · 18/08/2014 17:43

But it is a step forward in a relationship... OP already stated what the timescale for living together is and why... so why all the 'he's got a fucking cheek' posts?

You may assure me of anything you like, Chelsey (and he offered to buy them years before we got married) but I still won't see why the OP is now having to read posts telling her her OH is a becoming a 'cocklodger' and she should reconsider their relationship. She just needs to tell him... they need to have a chat so it doesn't all get blown out of proportion or becomes a nagging grumble that festers.

I really don't see his asking her to add some toiletries to her shopping list was treating her like a hotel! Stupid idea, ffs, and probably nothing to do with what he was thinking at the time.

HappyAgainOneDay · 18/08/2014 17:44

I don't see why 'toiletries' are essential. Soap, shampoo and toothpaste perhaps but aftershave, conditioner, perfume, nail varnish (for women) and anything else like that to 'prettify' one are not really necessities. There was a time..... Okay, I won't go down that route!

HappyAgainOneDay · 18/08/2014 17:44

So I wouldn't buy them for him.

ChelsyHandy · 18/08/2014 18:28

Nomama But it is a step forward in a relationship well, for some this will be more important than for others. Theres not some rigid set of rules that apply if you want to move a relationship from new to more serious!

I've been together with my husband for 15 years now and he usually buys himself his own toiletries, except for shared stuff. Before you throw your hands up in horror at the thought of such independence, I will occasionally buy him shampoo of a certain brand if I think he would benefit from it, but aftershave, shaving cream, razors, etc. I don't do. He has lived on his own and somehow manages to supply them himself. Its not something we even think about in great detail.

I would expect a man in a reasonably newish relationship to supply his own toiletries. I think he's jumping the gun in assuming telling someone to buy stuff for him is right, and you might be able to tell a lot about his attitude and motivations from that (although obviouslyNomana's rule is that no man may ever be criticised on such a ground, lest it indicate a desire at some point to leave them).

Nomama · 18/08/2014 18:37

Oh do stop it! You are taking offence because I disagree with you! It's a forum... and I don't agree that the OPs boyfriend is definitely taking the piss. He may not be. Only she knows. I won't condemn him, it's not my relationship.

What's with the 'Nomama's rule'? I have no idea how you get to that from anything I have posted. Ridiculous! To use MN language - I think you may projecting, dear.

2rebecca · 18/08/2014 18:42

My husband usually buys his own toiletries as well.
Some women seem to take over buying everything for their men though. He seems to be encouraging this.

Tikimon · 18/08/2014 19:28

If I remember correctly, when I first met DH he bought food for his place, and I bought food for mine. I ended up staying there more because he's a better cook he had better stuff than I could afford. But we did our best to keep it fair.

If he's mowing the lawn and doing chores for you, I'd say it's pretty even.

But if you feel he should buy food, maybe suggest he pitch in? Or look at budget meals? Noodles, rice, and potatoes are cheap and you can make some really good stuff with them. :)

Davidtennantmistress · 18/08/2014 20:48

I actually get where Norma is coming from. Dp(hubs) stuff runs out I buy more even before he moved in with me as I used to get Avon and would buy him 6 rolls owns a time, (2 for mine 2 for work and 2 for his) toothpaste ran out I replaced it, when I went to his I used his stuff.

I remember him also asking for a sub after we'd been together about six months saying he knew it was necky, didn't bother me I'd been paid he hadn't he took my bank card for the day, when he got paid he did the weeks shopping where's the problem, if you see yourselves as equals, if you don't then you need to review the balance,

SuchSweetSorrow · 18/08/2014 21:16

I order my husband's toiletries as I do the online shopping

Anyway, even before we lived together we shared money and didn't keep a tally of who paid what- that is just the way we have always been. Obviously you have a child who must come first but I personally wouldn't begrudge buying a few toiletries for my partner, unless it was going to leave me short of money of course

Mitzimaybe · 18/08/2014 21:18

You are paying more - his food and toiletries.
He is paying more - bus fares - but also saving money on the food he would have to buy if he weren't at yours.
He is doing jobs around the place without being asked, and is good with your DS.

If his bus fare is about equivalent to the extra you're spending on food, then what about the money he is saving on food by not buying any for his house? It sounds like he is about breaking even (bus fares = savings on food) but you are paying out extra.

It doesn't sound too bad to me, but it's clearly bothering you, so I think you should definitely discuss it. Some of the suggestions up thread for how to approach this are quite good.

GrapefruitILoveIt · 19/08/2014 01:13

Nomama, you are comparing your marriage oranges with visiting boyfriend apples.

It is not like with like

GrapefruitILoveIt · 19/08/2014 01:14

Plus as for your outrage at "ltb heat" , the op doesnt live with him and isnt married to him.

Op sensible to think about whether this is working out or not.

SaucyJack · 19/08/2014 02:41

He is breaking even on the relationship as his increased travel costs will be cancelled out by not needing to feed himself five days a week whereas it is costing you money to have him at yours due to the increase in food and most likely water/fuel bills as well.

YWNBU to politely point this out and ask him to split the difference.

Jenny70 · 19/08/2014 03:16

Perhaps a way forward here is to ask him to cook a meal a week at your place - he provides the ingredients. It can be sold as a break for you, and a "repayment" of food he's eating at yours. It doesn't need to be an expensive meal, he can make a pasta dish cheaply etc. But it's a token towards your food bill and also a break for you to know he's sorting the dinner each friday/monday whatever night you choose.

Just say "I'd really appreciate it if you could sort dinner once a week- it would help me out to have that break from meal prep and might bring my food bill down a bit too".

KiwiJude · 19/08/2014 04:18

What Jenny70 said.

Nomama · 19/08/2014 12:38

Grapefruit - that is what I have been saying from the beginning.

I have not been comparing marriage to a relationship, that was in response to someone elses post that, in my opinion, made no sense in OPs situation. Read my earlier posts, I have consistently said OP needs to have a chat and get it sorted out before it becomes a 'big thing' and wrecks their relationship.

I have also said that the raft of 'cheeky fucker' posts are unnecessarily negative as OP has said nothing about him being otherwise freeloading. The putting a man beyond the pale for the smallest of transgressions is a weirdly MN 'thing', a thing I do not like.

ALL that is needed is a quick chat. That is all I have said really.

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