To wish my boyfriend would contribute to food costs?

[UngenerousCow]

My partner works full-time and rents his house, which he shares with a friend. I also work full-time and rent a house, which I share with my child. Both on very modest salaries. My partner has a debt which is a large chunk of his monthly wage (it will be paid off next summer). This means he is left with very little money every month after bills. I accept this.
As our relationship has been going really well he has started spending most nights round mine, having meals and sleeping over. About 5 nights out of 7. This is lovely and I wanted this to happen, but I've noticed an increase in my online food bill as a result, also he has asked me to order toiletries to keep at mine, which aren't cheap. If we ever pop out for a little top-up shop for a few quid he will sometimes pay. In my head I have worked out that what he isn't spending on food at his house, he is probably spending on buses to/from work when he is at mine ( when he is at home he can walk to/from work).
On the flipside he is a really good man and cooks, cleans, washes up, mows lawn, takes care of my dc and so on without being asked. So in a way he is earning his keep, right? Paying for him isn't leaving me unable to pay my bills or anything, it's just an irritation mainly. We've talked about living together at some stage and that everything would be split 50/50, so in the meantime should I just say nothing and suck this up? I don't want to make him feel bad, as he isn't a freeloader by any means and often feels guilty that he has so little money.
Am I being a stingey, petty, ungenerous cow?

You aren't a stingy, petty, ungenerous cow just yet. But you might be soon.

Next time you buy food just say, I need a tenner to cover it. He won't be too stupid to realise you are feeding him. He just may not have worked it through in his head, as you hadn't for a while.

If this new routine of him being at yours more and more is becoming the normality for you then you could ask for 'housekeeping' for his food.

You won't know how it will work out until you talk to him about it.

I think it's fine , if you are claiming tax credits you will need to inform them as you are now living as a couple the majority of the time.

Why can't you talk to him about it? You're in a relationship. You need to be able to talk.

perhaps say that you are happy to feed him but that if he wants toiletries then he's going to have to buy them himself.

sorry. My assumption there is probably incorrect that you are worried to talk to him when probably you just wanted to get a feel for whether you were being unreasonable before deciding whether you actually felt it appropriate to raise.

sorry about that.

Thanks everyone, vital no worries - I am ok to raise it with him but it's helpful to gauge others opinions before I approach it, also getting ideas on how to raise it is good too.

I think it's not too bad on balance, but no way would I be paying for toiletries for him to keep at yours. Definitely one to nip in the bud. I would call him a cheeky fucker and tell him to buy his own!

The mind boggles at what sort of expensive toiletries he wants - I would definately refuse to pay for them and just suggest he uses your shampoo/soap and deodrant .

Actually I would be wary of any man who spends a lot on expensive toiltetries especially if he has big debts that he is paying off.

You could always cut down on the 'quality' of of the meals you are providing, ie: have a couple of beans on toast meals and if he comments say that you have noticed your food bill going up since he is staying so often.

Does he ever take you out for a meal or on a 'date'?

But really, if you find it hard to bring this sort of thing up in discussion are you really sure you want to get more serious with this man?

Call me cynical but I can't help seeing the toiletries thing as a 'tester' to see how much you are willing to pay for...

Where did expensive toiletries come from? OP was doing an online shop and he asked her to add some toiletries... seemed sensible to me, but they both should have realised that it was something different, additional costs and had a chat at that point.

There's no reason to set traps for him, don't feed him and your DD beans on toast in an attempt to get a snark on him, just talk to him.

I don't think it was him testing her, that's not cynical, that's flat out conspiracy theorising, Suzanne!

he has asked me to order toiletries to keep at mine, which aren't cheap.

I read that as toiletries aren't cheap rather than he wanted expensive ones - if you see what I mean.

As in even buying the basics, shaving stuff and deodorant, it added a tenner to the shop.

Rather than he wanted all designer stuff that cost £50.

Sorry, when I say expensive I don't mean designer or anything... All I have really bought him so far is few cans of Lynx, and a shampoo and conditioner after the ones he brought from his house ran out. He has stuff at his that he uses on the couple of days a week he is there.

We do go on dates, but I always pay half.

how I did it with DP (hubs) as I call him, I bought in the food at my house, always had plenty was never an issue but if he wanted anything extra or if he wanted to cook dinner himself as he enjoys cooking but didn't have the oppertunity where he was so used to cook for me he would go out and buy the food he wanted; it always stayed at mine, was never an issue of dont touch that it's mine or whatever but I was happy with that.

He also had debts as well. although it's only been the last year specifically when my income has taken a drop when he's really had to pick up more of the bills, before that we were 50/50 roughly even though he earnt more he had more debts, but we've had to sit down and (obviously it's a bit different now as we're living together) worked out our individual bills and joint house hold ones then I now put in half of what he does, but periodically he will offer to give more for coffees/food etc or just buy food. works out we both have roughly the same disposable income, he may have slightly more, but then again he will buy the big stuff for the hosue without thinking about ti so it's fair really.

it shouldn't be an issue if you want to be with this man full time there should be no record keeping per se.

I think it's all pretty even actually, especially when you can afford the increase in the food bill and it's not leaving you short. He's physically putting more effort in with transport to and from work, having 'stuff/a life' in two places and pulling his weight at yours & no doubt still having to do stuff at his place - whereas your life has carried on the same and this is easier for you with DS.

Maybe just watch what you are buying and eat a bit more cheaply rather than buying 'nicer' things than you would have bought when it was just you and DS. When you eat with a child your meals can often be more basic but you might be unwititingly buying more expensive types of meals because there's another adult there.

Does he buy things for DS?

If you think you will be living together before too long then you need to consider the fact that if you are contributing 50/50 at that point, your DS will be costing him money and it will soon add up to more than what Dp is costing you now.

However, if after reading the whole thread and thinking about what others have said, if it's still bothering you then fair enough and you need to say to him something along the lines of 'I love having you here but food shopping for one more adult every week is leaving me a bit short, now you aren't really buying any food at your flat do you think you could contribute a bit to the food here?' He probably hasn't even really thought about it as he is just 'sharing' what you and DS are having.

His debt is his responsibility and you shouldn't have to make up for that.

Do you think if he didnt have this debt he would of been more forthcoming with cash ? Did he offer to pay for the things he has put on your online shopping ? he could of easily just bought them himself and bought them over.

I would bring up the subject with him, say your shopping bills have gone up, I think his reaction will be telling

I think you should both cook alternative nights, with him paying for the ingredients he uses when cooking . I know everyone's banging on about him mowing the lawn and cleaning up a bit but why shouldn't he pull his weight? He should pull his weight and make a small contribution though. At the moment he's got free board 5 days a week for the price of a bus ticket and half an hours cleaning.

i don't think you have to go in guns blazing. sounds like he is struggling financially. but so are you.

so next time he asks you to buy something, say 'actually, do you mind picking that stuff up? i can't afford to buy it.' also give him opportunities to buy food. like: 'can you pick up a pizza on your way over?'

that sort of thing. you'll feel a lot less resentful. he doesn't sound like a cocklodger, but you really don't want to start your good relationship off with bad habits.

I think you should lead in to opening the subject up by saying 'beans on toast this week as I can't spend this much on groceries all the time!".

After all, he isn't spending on groceries, he's settling his debt, which is great an all... but.

Asking you to buy toiletries is a bit much ! he must know that those things aren't particularly cheap. I used to spend time at a bf's house as his kids weren't with him but mine were. I never asked him to buy me anything!

Why can't he use your shampoo and conditioner or bring more over? I wouldn't demand a bloke bought special shampoo for me and do find that odd as you aren't living together or that he didn't automatically give you the money.
I would just raise the subject of food bills and how you are going to split them.
Try asking him for the money if he asks you to buy special stuff and see how he responds. Also don't fall into the trap of being the one who does all the food shopping in the relationship, get him to do some food shopping too.

The toiletries would be my non-negotiable. If he wants you to add them to your online shop he should give you the money back.

And I think he should pay for the top-up shops every time, or at least more often than 'sometimes'.

Otherwise, as long as you're not going out of your way to buy more expensive food than you would if it were just you, then it sounds pretty fair as he is doing household work and childcare.

He should be at least paying for the stuff only he uses i.e. the toiletries...cheeky get asking you to pay for them. I'd also be asking for a contribution for the food by however much more you're spending to feed him.

His money worries are not your problem

I think it's fine for the food - as you say it evens out with his extra transport costs, but the toiletries as many have said, are out of line.

I'd frankly be embarrassed to ask another grown up that I wasn't financially associated with to buy my shampoo and deodorant. Next time he asks tell him how much it costs and ask him if he wants to give you the money before or after.

It does sound quite balanced -- apart from the toiletries. I can understand his not really realising that your food bill has gone up, but I do think it's a bit off for him to ask you to buy something FOR HIM. Hm.

Your not wishing to raise the subject with him isn't a red flag though. Talking about money is hugely embarrassing -- I don't even like to do it with my DH and we've been married for 15 years and share all finances.

Next time, try to find a way just to ask him, to stop it niggling away at you. You don't have to do the old assertive, "I need to you pay me x now," but approach it gently: "Um, I've noticed that with you staying round here so often which I love, of course my shopping bills have gone up considerably. Is there any chance you could make a contribution?" His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I have no idea about the food - I would have thought you wouldn't have to subsidise his transport costs to see you by feeding him and that he would equalise it by financially contributing, buying some groceries or paying for meals out - but I suspect it is unfair, given that he is letting you I buy his toiletries.

I mean seriously? You trot along to the supermarket or fill an online order for whatever for men's shaving foam, razors, etc? I struggle to believe any decent man would let a woman do this for him. As opposed to simply buying it himself and leaving it in your house.

The other stuff is just stuff you do in a relationship. Just like you don't add up the time you provide company or sex to him.

I don't really agree that "it sounds pretty fair as he is doing household work and childcare." Given that in most practical senses you are living together, there are things that need to be done - as you say " cooking, cleaning, washing up, mowing lawn, taking care of my dc" AND buying food/toiletries. I don't understand why the fact that he shares several of these tasks excuses him more or less totally from sharing the other one. He would suffer if any of them weren't done because you are basically sharing your lives/house.

I also don't buy (geddit) that he shouldn't have to pay for food because he has to pay to get to your house. Given that it's his choice to come to yours, rather that for you both to go to his, I don't think that can count against food costs? I used to travel regularly to my ex-P's place because it was nicer than mine, even though it was free for him to come to mine. If you were driving to his, would you avoid sharing food bills with him because it had cost you petrol to get there?

Totally fair to ask him to split food bills (say 70/30?) with you from now on IMO.