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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH way out of line

32 replies

Getdownoffthattable · 17/08/2014 22:39

When I said 'I don't think I need to check on the children tonight as they're nice and settled' DH said 'well if DS was dead it would be a whole lot quieter' then had a go at me for being over sensitive when I got upset. DS is 18 months. DH then turned the lights on when I was fast asleep and woke me up knowing full well I'm exhausted to try and get my forgiveness. Now he's saying it's my fault for dragging if out by not forgiving him.

Would I be unreasonable to leave? This is the latest in a long line of BS from him.

So upset.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 17/08/2014 22:41

It was a vile thing to say but it is a big leap to get to LTB on that one comment. What else has he done?

LadyLuck10 · 17/08/2014 22:43

What a horrible thing to say. What else has he done?

Original poster
Getdownoffthattable · 17/08/2014 22:45

This morning he was trying to take over whilst I was doing something and in front of the kids he said 'any NORMAL PERSON would think I was trying to help'

Shouting at me in the car in front of the kids 'don't be so STUPID'

Shouting at me when I was breast feeding our baby

Anymore examples?!

I have forgiven him so many times and am getting sick of it.

OP posts:
HoldenMcGroin · 17/08/2014 22:45

Yes agree that one horrid comment ought not equal ltb

Turning on the light to disturb your sleep is a bit off

You say this is the latest in a long line, however

Not looking good is it

HoldenMcGroin · 17/08/2014 22:46

Oh sorry x post

wheresthelight · 17/08/2014 22:46

If the rest of his behaviour is similar then I definitely think k you need to consider your options

HoldenMcGroin · 17/08/2014 22:48

Okay

Not a lot you can do tonight BUT you can start thinking about an exit plan

StandsOnGoldenSands · 17/08/2014 22:48

You can leave if you want to leave, OP.
You don't have to have a 'reason' which justifies it to the outside world.
'I don't want to be with you anymore' is plenty enough. You don't have to be with him if you don't want to and you don't need examples of his bad behaviour to justify how you feel.
Sounds as though he is doing plenty to provide you with them anyway though.

Original poster
Getdownoffthattable · 17/08/2014 22:48

Have made excuses for him so many times I'm just being over sensitive, he's had a hard day at work, he's stressed, he's tired blah blah blah

OP posts:
Original poster
Getdownoffthattable · 17/08/2014 22:49

Part of the reason I'm afraid to leave is the fact my own parents split when I was eight and don't want my kids going through similar.

But atmosphere here is pretty bad :(

OP posts:
BringMeSunshine2014 · 17/08/2014 22:55

It was a bloody awful thing to say :(

It sounds like it's time to start making an exit plan. Your DS is young and you have a baby (not sure if you have any older ones?) but the younger they are when you split the better, it becomes the norm so much quicker. There's no point in hanging in there for another year or more, subjecting them to more of this and then leaving anyway, is there? :(

Original poster
Getdownoffthattable · 17/08/2014 22:59

Thanks Sunshine (and everyone). It's funny you should say that as I was posting on here a year ago about his rotten behaviour and nothing has changed. DD is 3 years old (loves her daddy) and DS is 18m.

Would have to move 150 miles away from DH to be near my family. Plus would have to get new job.

What a nightmare

OP posts:
Tikimon · 17/08/2014 23:04

but the younger they are when you split the better, it becomes the norm so much quicker

This. Kids that I have babysat that had parents that divorced early had no clue it wasn't the norm to have two houses to live at. I had one kid ask me when I visited my other house. Luckily the mother was there to explain when I answered in confusion that I only had one house. I made sure to spin it positively for him "I'm not lucky like you are to have two families to live with, I only get one". The little boy felt sorry for me! Grin

So, yes, the younger the better!

Original poster
Getdownoffthattable · 17/08/2014 23:08

Yes I was 8 and my brother 5 and it had a terrible impact on us.

But I don't want my children growing up thinking that my relationship with DH is an example of a good one.

We've been going to marriage counselling for six months and it's not doing much good (don't want to put others off though - seems it's just not working for us).

Very anxious and stressed by it all. Thanks for all your replies so far, really appreciate it and any other pearls if wisdom gratefully received.

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 17/08/2014 23:11

I think it will have less impact to do it now rather than them watching him talking to you badly for years first.

If the only thing that is stopping you is this I don't think you need to delay things, sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Getdownoffthattable · 17/08/2014 23:15

Just cannot get my head around what he said about DS. I can't stop thinking about that phrase 'never a truer word spoken than in jest'.

Really need to think about where to go from here :(

Trying to find forgiveness in my heart somewhere...

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 17/08/2014 23:16

ahh as someone who spent all her life with an abusive partner, making all the excuses under the sun and being too afraid to upset him, please please get some information, some advice.

Only you know if you want to continue with the relationship but information is power and it will give you confidence when you want to make a decision.

Personally, it would be a deal breaker for me. I loved my ex, I am generally a very caring person. There is no way I could or would make those comments to, or shout at anyone I cared for, or even anyone really. I have come to the conclusion that there are two types of people in this world, the givers and the takers. I fear the takers hone in on the givers.

Original poster
Getdownoffthattable · 17/08/2014 23:23

Thanks myroom. Going to go and get some advice and make an exit plan.

He was away for a month recently and the kids & I were so happy!

Feeling v guilty about planning to take the kids away from their dad but think it would improve everything so much in the long run.

Going to have to be v brave....

OP posts:
iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 17/08/2014 23:24

How nice, I don't know many nice dads who would joke about their kids being dead - odd

Tikimon · 17/08/2014 23:30

Just cannot get my head around what he said about DS. I can't stop thinking about that phrase 'never a truer word spoken than in jest'.

If you truly think he might be a danger to your DC, I'd leave now and go to a woman's shelter.

Me and DH have a morbid and fucked up sense of humor and we've never made jokes about DD dying.

myroomisatip · 17/08/2014 23:32

why are you trying to find forgiveness?

Original poster
Getdownoffthattable · 17/08/2014 23:32

I don't think he's a danger to the kids. I think that putting it mildly he's a total idiot and I am sick of his moods but I'm sure he wouldn't physically harm me or the kids.
It's more the emotional toll on me and them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Getdownoffthattable · 17/08/2014 23:33

Myroom I'm a very forgiving sort of person but maybe I've already been way too forgiving?!

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 17/08/2014 23:36

If you were all happier when he was away then you have your answer.

Your relationship is not mutually beneficial. It probably benefits him only.

Dont feel guilty. You only have the present, your future is not guaranteed. You are entitled to live your life as you wish. I hope you choose to live a happy life :)

I would have left much sooner if I had had the wisdom and support of MN.

Good luck.

ChoccaDoobie · 17/08/2014 23:37

What a dreadful and frankly weird thing to say. I would feel very disturbed by that. It sounds like you are very unhappy and would be happier away from him. I know it is very difficult to leave but it doesn't sound like staying is a very good option for you. I feel for you.