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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want dh to stop smoking

48 replies

WaxingGibbon · 17/08/2014 15:37

That's it, really. Just had yet another massive argument about the fact that yet another of his half hearted attempts at stopping smoking has ended in yet another pathetic failure and he's back on the fags again.

Then he uses the ensuing argument as an opportunity to deflect and chuck at me various things I do that wind him up - as in 'well I ask you to be more tidy / be more organised / stop worrying about things etc etc so why should I stop smoking just cos you ask me to, if you can't the effort to do the things that I want you to do'

I am fucking livid. Well actually I am terrified of him keeling over with a coronary or wasting away with cancer and leaving me a widow and the dds with no father. And I am disappointed and cross that he knows how much it means to me. And I despise the twisted tit-for-tat logic he trots out.

So I guess I've made it worse by losing it and calling him a selfish pathetic inadequate twat, too weak to manage 7 days without sucking on load of death sticks, which he must love more than he loves his children. And it's now turned into one of those nightmare massive sunday arguments Sad

So...... aibu? How can I be more grown up and helpful and constructive. btw I am an ex smoker (20 a day at one stage, stopped 10 years ago) and I feel if I can give up, why can't he?

OP posts:
crazykat · 17/08/2014 15:51

He has to want to give up or he will fail every time. My DH tried to give up a couple of years ago and managed a couple of months and was back smoking. It didn't help that he was a social smoker with work mates. He got an electronic cigarette in January and hasn't had a cigarette since. He's also gone down to lower strength liquid.

You quit smoking and managed because you wanted to quit. Of your DH had tried to push you into quitting before you were ready then you would have found it much harder to quit.

Much as I can see why you want him to quit, he's an adult so its his choice to keep smoking. The only thin you can do is ask him to stop smoking inside. An electronic cigarette might help him quit if he wants to try again. But ultimately its his choice.

paxtecum · 17/08/2014 16:02

OP: It would be better if he didn't smoke, but it's not the end of the world because he does smoke.

Is he overweight?
How's his cholestrol and blood pressure?
Does he do any exercise?
Does he eat a healthy diet?
Does he drink alcohol?

Monten · 17/08/2014 16:05

I feel your pain waxinggibbon. I regularly row with DP about this. I bought him an ecig for his birthday (he asked for it!) - didn't work. I also am an ex smoker and feel if I can so can he.

My father died of lung cancer at 63. He was an adamant smoker, until the day he was diagnosed. And then I witnessed the regret. I've tried to rationalise with DP - if he can honestly, truthfully say he is willing to die early, that the fags were worth it, that he enjoys smoking so much that he's willing to possibly give up seeing children get married and grandchildren, then I will leave him alone. But smoking isn't rational behaviour.

It keeps me awake at night, being frightened he will die like my dad did. But I honestly don't think you can ever make someone give up so something which is so deep rooted.

I'm sorry you're rowing Thanks.

HauntedNoddyCar · 17/08/2014 16:08

Yanbu to want him to stop but yabu to expect him to stop unless he wants to.

londonrach · 17/08/2014 16:11

Just tell him his manhood will drop off. That's what we (allied medical profession) told a media student when we were at uni and he sat out our table. Grin. We never corrected yourself and all of us kept a straight face when we informed him. Never seen a boy go so white. He never sat again with us and I believe the fags he throw onto the table were the last he ever smoked.

On a serious note I suggest he returns to the doctors as there are loads of things out there to help but your dh has got to want to give up. Meanwhile if he can't suggest he smokes outside away from you and the house.

Original poster
WaxingGibbon · 17/08/2014 16:13

Ok thanks for the replies. I know you're all right about how I can't force him to stop. pax he is a massive man, 6' 5" and at least a stone overweight. Highish blood pressure. His grandfather had the same body 'type' and died in his early 60s I think. When we've all calmed down in a couple of days I'll suggest the electronic ones.

OP posts:
Pinkrose1 · 17/08/2014 16:14

Smoking is completely irrational and so addictive Sad. Nothing will stop a smoker except dire personal experience or a real wish to do so.

Buy an e cigarette but short of that there's nothing you can do.

Fwiw DH smoked heavily despite his GF dying of a heart attack and then himself had a massive heart attack at 42.

My neighbour is 44 and gave up smoking 9 years ago when pregnant with the first of her two boys. She was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She had a strong family history.

Original poster
WaxingGibbon · 17/08/2014 16:17

Thanks london I'll think about that! He always smokes outside and never in front of the children - all part of how his smoking ' isn't that bad' Hmm

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 17/08/2014 16:25

Um, maybe he does need to know that whilst smoking outside isn't as bad for the dcs as smoking inside, he will still be bringing enough particles in on his clothing/hair/breath to cause trouble if they're asthmatic/chesty/prone to ear infections/etc.

Original poster
WaxingGibbon · 17/08/2014 16:26

I'm really sorry about your neighbour pinkrose Sad. Has your DH recovered from his heart attack? 42 and 44 are both too young.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 17/08/2014 16:39

Did you marry a smoker? If so YABU.

I dont smoke. Cant bear it. I wouldnt even date a smoker let alone live with or marry one. The thought of smoking makes me feel ill.

I understand you want him to stop but if he has smokedsince way back before you and he got together then he only should be stopping if he thinks he is capable or actually wants to.

Original poster
WaxingGibbon · 17/08/2014 16:46

hacked yes we were both fully signed up smokers when we married and had both smoked since we met. I gave up shortly after we married because I wanted to be smoke-free when ttc. 10 years on I regret ever smoking but cannot change the fact I did. Maybe I am sanctimonious on this point? Maybe that doesn't help.

OP posts:
londonrach · 17/08/2014 16:51

Have you got one of these... gosmokefree.nhs.uk/quit-tools/quit-kit/. Tbh unless he wants to give up he won't. It will take one something. I often see patients smoking outside the hospital after they had a leg removed. If that doesn't make you nothing will and some people never will give up. It's their choice.

ThatBloodyWoman · 17/08/2014 16:57

I think that its understandable to be pissed off.
I presume part of the reason you gave up was so that you would stay healthy longer.Its a cloud on the horizon to think that you may have your wings clipped by his choices -you may not get COPD yourself but you may spend years caring for him with COPD.

Groovee · 17/08/2014 17:01

YANBU for wanting him to stop. But YABU to try and force him. Just because it is easy for you doesn't mean it's easy for him.

Badvoc123 · 17/08/2014 17:07

Op...I do feel for you.
My dear dad died last year very suddenly from a massive cardiac arrest. He was just 67.
He had smoked since he was a teenager.
He has left behind a wife struggling to cope without her partner of 50 years, 3 children who all feel utterly lost and 5 devasted grandchildren.
Not to mention a sister, in laws, friends and workmates.
Please tell him all the above.
Please tell him that the memory of having to perform CPR on my own father - and failing - will never leave me. I will feel guilty for the rest of my life.
I am sure he would not want that for your children.
I wish you both good luck x

Leela5 · 17/08/2014 17:22

Completely sympathise! Mine has smoked since teenager and had promised me since we met he would give up. He's done patches, gum, inhaler and now e cigarette but still relapses whenever he drinks which is often.

We are now 34 and I'm terrified it's too late to reverse the damage and we are ttc.

Grr

Original poster
WaxingGibbon · 17/08/2014 17:31

badvoc I am so sorry about your dad Flowers. I am sure your dad would not have wanted that for you, either. Nor for you to feel guilty x

Yes I will tell DH your story.

OP posts:
ItsDinah · 17/08/2014 18:12

The vast majority of people (92 -95 per cent) who try to give up smoking nowadays fail and will fail repeatedly. The addiction is physical and some people are more physically affected than others. It is just the way their bodies work, A lot of people who started when smoking was seen as a social grace managed to give up when it became unfashionable. The smokers we have left now may be the hard core addicts. Your husband certainly sounds like one. There is evidence that the physical addiction is reinforced by periods of abstaining so trying to force someone to stop when they are not strongly motivated is probably not such a great idea.As he smoked when you met and when you decided to have children YABU to be so abusive of him now. If you cannot live with it then get a divorce. You don't sound as if you care much about him as a person.

IAMACLANGER · 17/08/2014 18:31

OK. You can give up if you don't want to - surely no one really wants to smoke? My DH gave up 8 months ago due to a horrible cough/cold. After this he was nagging me constantly to give up. I really didn't want to. However I promised a date, and I stuck to it. I am using vapourlites (e-cigs), it gives the same experience as smoking, you can gradually cut down the nicotine, it is far cheaper, non-smelly, apparently healthier(?), but overall much better than smoking proper cigarettes. In the 10 weeks I've been doing it I have never once craved a proper cigarette either. Fingers crossed.

Badvoc123 · 17/08/2014 19:15

Thank you waxing.
I should also have mentioned my mum.
Sadly she suffered a heart attack the same day my dad died (broken heart syndrome they call it :() she was also a smoker since her teens - and she gave up 3 months after my dad died.
Both she and my sister (40) gave up in "stoptober" which is the national stop smoking day.
My mum was 68 when she stopped, and she did so whilst under huge emotional and mental stress.
I guess you need to really want to though, and I am not sure that my mum would have given up without the awful trauma of dads death. Ditto for my sister.

WorraLiberty · 17/08/2014 19:32

So I guess I've made it worse by losing it and calling him a selfish pathetic inadequate twat, too weak to manage 7 days without sucking on load of death sticks, which he must love more than he loves his children.

I'm sorry but you sound like the very worst kind of ex smoker and abusive with it.

He has an addiction to nicotine, that doesn't mean he loves nicotine and certainly not more than he loves his children.

Would you tell an over eater with a food addiction that they are a selfish pathetic inadequate twat, too weak to mange 7 days without sticking to a healthy diet?

If he truly wants to beat this addiction, he'll need your support, not your abuse.

Original poster
WaxingGibbon · 17/08/2014 19:52

Worra absolutely, that wasn't my finest hour. And I said it in a v unpleasant way too. We were rowing - I was angry and upset and I am frightened about him dying. No of course, I wouldn't dream of speaking to anyone with an addiction like that under normal circumstances.

I don't see myself as abusive, but maybe that's how I've been to him. You holding a mirror up like this might explain why he still isn't speaking to me now.

Good luck clanger - you can do it

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/08/2014 19:57

I'm just thinking that for anyone with an addiction to be spoken to like that, it's quite likely to just send them further into it IYSWIM?

It is frustrating for you both but if he truly wants to give up and stay given up, then he probably needs professional help and of course support/understanding from you.

It's very very hard (for some people) but it can still be done.

Pinkrose1 · 17/08/2014 19:58

DH has life long heart disease but he's otherwise ok. Thanks. Smile