To want dh to stop smoking

[WaxingGibbon]

That's it, really. Just had yet another massive argument about the fact that yet another of his half hearted attempts at stopping smoking has ended in yet another pathetic failure and he's back on the fags again.

Then he uses the ensuing argument as an opportunity to deflect and chuck at me various things I do that wind him up - as in 'well I ask you to be more tidy / be more organised / stop worrying about things etc etc so why should I stop smoking just cos you ask me to, if you can't the effort to do the things that I want you to do'

I am fucking livid. Well actually I am terrified of him keeling over with a coronary or wasting away with cancer and leaving me a widow and the dds with no father. And I am disappointed and cross that he knows how much it means to me. And I despise the twisted tit-for-tat logic he trots out.

So I guess I've made it worse by losing it and calling him a selfish pathetic inadequate twat, too weak to manage 7 days without sucking on load of death sticks, which he must love more than he loves his children. And it's now turned into one of those nightmare massive sunday arguments

So...... aibu? How can I be more grown up and helpful and constructive. btw I am an ex smoker (20 a day at one stage, stopped 10 years ago) and I feel if I can give up, why can't he?

I can't believe how much less stress is in my life now I have given up and how much life is in general.

I can't believe how smoking effected my life. I used to be I couldn't wait to finish something to have a fag. My life revolved around having the next one.

I really do not think there is many people in the world that really enjoy smoking. Then again if you do then what my stop smoking counsellor said is what else do you enjoy so much that you have 15 a day.

I would encourage him to go to a stop smoking service, like stop smoking wales 0800 085 2219 or smoke free on 0800 022 4 332

This caused many an argument in early marriage then I realised he never nags me about the house or my weight or anything else so I shouldn't do the same to him. He now smokes electronic cigarettes during the day - still hides outside or has a sneaky puff in the kitchen as he doesn't want the kids to know he smokes. When they have gone to bed he usually has one or two in the evening. It's not perfect but it's a compromise.

If he smoked when you first met him and didn't make it plain that you wanted him to quit YABU. You accepted it then and have now changed the goalposts.

piperrose yes I suppose the goalposts have changed, because life has moved on. DH and I are in our 40s now, not our 20s when we first met. We're both mindful we're not as bulletproof as we felt in our youth (we've discussed this). Two facts re the changing goalposts you mention are 1. smoking-related risks to health increase with age, and 2. we now have 2 young children in the mix so our incentive to remain healthy should also increase. Also he knows how much I want him to stop - he's not perfect, but it's the only thing about him I'd change. I don't want him to die.

ItsDinah I do care about him, but thanks to the comments here - including yours - I've now seen I've been a bit of a cow, and I can't make him stop smoking by shouting at him.

leela good luck with ttc x

Not unreasonable to want him to quit but maybe your behaviour is a bit. I know the feeling well. DP and I quit together about a year ago, only a few weeks later I found out he had carried on behind my back, he hadn't even tried. Every time I broach the subject he snaps at me that he'll quit 'soon'. But soon never comes. It is frustrating but I've resigned myself to the fact that he's an adult and it is his choice.

Waxing, I smoked for 23 years (started at 15) - both me and my husband were fully signed up smokers when we met and married and have never wanted to give up so hadn't (I stopped during both my pregnancies but started again within 6 weeks of giving birth).

Last December we decided the time was right to stop and switched completely to e-cigarettes. I have not smoked a real cigarette since (apart from a few draws a week in, and another draw about 2 months in) I have not used my e-cig for about 3 months and when I do its very occasionally - the trick for me is knowing that if I want to use the e-cig I can, so it is not 'forbidden'. I truthfully don't miss smoking at all.

My husband lasted about 3 months, then started smoking in secret again and I caught him - the e-cig didn't work for him so he switched to a 'debang' vapouriser (more of a throat hit) and be has not touched a cigarette since. He uses his vapouriser all the time, but I don't mind - he's not smoking, and that's the important thing (health and financial).

Ecigs/vapourisers are the best thing ever to happen imo, they are an actual life saver.

(And stop nagging, too! )

DP (now DH) and I were both smokers when we met. He smoked 20 a day, full strength and he quit cold turkey. I became an occasional smoker, 5 a fortnight on a Friday after work. I stopped completely when we were TTC and haven't had one for 8 years. He had two relapses, one of a year and one of a week when I was pregnant with DC1. We were on holiday and fags were cheap. It was his final fling.
I completely understand why you said that to him. It's how I feel. When I get cravings I just visualise my children inhaling smoke and it removes the craving. It's the best motivator we had. If he hadn't given up he would not have been sleeping in our bed when we had babies in the house.

YABU and IMO you really do owe your husband and apology for what you said to him.

Giving up may have been easy for you, but it isn't for everybody and being supportive is more helpful than berating him and treating him like a failure when he hasn't managed it.

an apology not and apology!

Knee. I am sure the OP has reasoned with her DH and begged and pleaded and offered endless therapies, support groups and her own support before resorting to anger.

Been there myself and it is just frustration and fear of losing them that causes you to get angry after trying every other way to stop this dangerous addiction.

Thanks for all the replies. scarlett when we are speaking to each other again I will definitely talk - supportively - about the alternatives. He has mentioned looking into them in the past. knee now that I've properly calmed down, I do see what you mean about my words and tone not being acceptable. I was just so cross - I lost it. He'd told me a couple of weeks ago he was really going to stop properly this time, knowing full well how much it matters to me, and lasted just 7 days. Its a v familiar cycle, with so much at stake.

My problem yesterday was that I lost my temper- and was probably full of self-righteous sanctimoniousness. I'm starting to see that not only was my reaction unpleasant, it's not going to help him stop smoking.

Also knee he is still not speaking to me, so I guess he'd agree with you that I should apologise. (I don't like apologising but reading this thread makes me think perhaps I should.

pinkrose exactly! It helps that I'm not alone in this, thank you

Maybe I am sanctimonious on this point? Maybe that doesn't help.

You both signed up to the relationship with one set of rules - now you want to change them, and he doesn't. YABU.

You can't compare giving up smoking with giving up overeating.

You cannot avoid food. You will always need it.
You can avoid cigarettes.

You overeating won't directly harm your children. Smoking will.

You both signed up to the relationship with one set of rules - now you want to change them, and he doesn't. YABU.

True. But circumstances have changed. They were young when they met; there were no children.

They are now older with responsibilities so a rethink of lifestyles and priorities is not unreasonable.

YANBU to want your DH to stop smoking (can't tell you how much I want it too).

However YABU to fight with him about it. He has to want to stop.......for himself otherwise it won't work. Even if he wants it more than anything it will be the hardest thing he has ever done.

If it were just a case of willpower and wanting it enough, we would all be size 8s and live til 110.

Support his efforts to quit, commiserate any failures and support him the next time.

Most people who smoke also have a parent that does. Ask him if he wants the health risks and a 1:2 chance of early death for his DDs.

I am not a smoker but the fact that people who are so ill from smoking related illnesses continue to smoke suggests it must be so difficult to give up.

I think if you want your husband to give up smoking you need to support time by treating this a relapse not giving up by saying so you have had a few cigarettes but as you still want to give up I am guessing you won't be smoking anymore tomorrow.

Is he getting support from doctors/nurse? People who get support from medically professionals are more likely to quit.

I have also made it very clear to DH if he becomes disabled as a result of his smoking he's straight to the nursing home (only slightly joking).

I wouldn't mind if he just dropped dead 10 years early ( his choice as an adult). What I disagree with is him possibly signing us up to possible decades of slow decline, hospital admissions etc.

I work in critical care and often look after people having a flare up of COPD caused by smoking. I can never forget the look of pure terror in their eyes as they struggle to breathe, it seems they can however as I see them stroll out of the hospital days/weeks later, fag already in hand. You can almost pin-point to the day you'll see them again - until the day you don't any more

Yes you can compare it to overeating imo

I keep reading people saying you cannot avoid food, but you can avoid cigarettes.

You can't always avoid cigarettes. Walk into almost any newsagents, off licence or supermarket and they are there behind the counter (whether hidden in a locked cabinet or not). Walk down any high street and there will be people standing outside buildings smoking.

You overeating won't directly harm your children. Smoking will.

It can directly harm your child if you're pregnant and overweight/obese for example. Smoking away from children can also harm them but you can't say it definitely will.

Either way, the point I was trying to make is that you can't get someone to break an addiction by shouting at them and insulting them.

The OP has said she now realises this.

cookiepants thankfully I've never witnessed anything like that. Have you talked about these patients' experiences with your DH? Does it help?

mostly no he hasn't explored any of the nhs support options at all. We just have 'right I'm going to try not to smoke anymore' attempts, approx once every 6 months.

YANBU. My DH was a heavy smoker for over 20 years (smoked as a teen), and then he quit but started smoking again but cut it down to about 5 a day but he worked away every week and know he smoked when he was away and on walks etc but he hid it from DD that he smoking again (she knew he use to smoke) with gum and mints.

To cut a long story short, DH died last year of a heart attack at the age of 51 probably due to smoking but there was a family history of heart conditions in the family with FIL dying of a heart attack when DH was 21. Leaving DD (then 14) and me on my own.

I wish I nagged him to give up, otherwise he might still be here, especially knowing what happened to his own father. Try and give him some incentive to give up or try and start with E-cigs.

TBH Waxing, both me and DH work in caring positions in the NHS so I don't have to! Several of my colleagues smoke as well, it baffles me.

I think they have the 'it just WON'T happen to me' mind frame going on. The youngest person I have cared for (they died) who had a smoking related illness was 37, he spent his last few months in hospital in utter misery and leaves behind a 12 year old. I think of him and remember that while he was VERY unlucky and a rare case DH is 32........

I work in critical care and often look after people having a flare up of COPD caused by smoking. I can never forget the look of pure terror in their eyes as they struggle to breathe, it seems they can however as I see them stroll out of the hospital days/weeks later, fag already in hand. You can almost pin-point to the day you'll see them again - until the day you don't any more

That would have been my mother. Died aged 53.

So sorry for those who have had someone die young probably as a result of smoking

The reason I gave up smoking is because I was suddenly really scared not that one day I would die from smoking, but that one day I would wake up and have to live with the consequences of my smoking and it'd be too late to do anything about it.

How awful that must feel.

And how awful to give up yourself, then still end up 'trapped' by the effects of someone else's smoking because you've had to end up their carer.....