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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a child free hour every weekend?

35 replies

DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 16/08/2014 22:15

So I'm now a SAHM to 2 DDs, 1 is 3yo, one 9 months. They are lovely but the elder is very hard work, and the younger doesn't sleep well. As babies don't and I'm fine with that.

We are on a budget to enable me to SAH, so dd1 does not attend childcare, although she will be starting preschool with her free hours come September.

DP does work hard, comes home and helps with bedtime, and does DIY at weekends. He also attends an exercise class after work one day a week, and has a day at the weekend whenever he wants do for his hobby - normally one a month currently, but can be every other weekend depending on season.

I am feeling overwhelmed, knackered, and just want some time for ME. Maybe start running again, or just go to a coffee shop, and dunno, read something in one go not snatched 5 minutes....

But DP will never offer, he says I gave to tell him when to take the kids. So I said Saturday (today), but we end up doing jobs and visiting his parents instead. So I said tomorrow, but we are meeting friends, and he has got to fix the car....

It never happens. He will take dd1 for a bit, but not both. Evenings wouldn't work as the baby wont settle for him in the evenings and will just get upset, and she will wake as well so can't go when ages asleep.

WIBU to just head out the door tomorrow? And again next weekend?

OP posts:
Original poster
DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 16/08/2014 22:17

Sorry for stupid iPad autocorrect typos. Currently feeding baby as I type one handed....

OP posts:
NormHonal · 16/08/2014 22:18

YANBU...but you need to timetable it. Do you have a family calendar, paper or iCal, Google, etc .

Book your you-time in. And make it a repeating appointment.

Chocoholicforever · 16/08/2014 22:19

Can you look into a local running club or something you would enjoy? If you've got a set time every week it would be easier to stick to

Original poster
DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 16/08/2014 22:19

Yes we do but it seems I'm the only one who looks at it, so it didn't work....

OP posts:
slightlyglitterstained · 16/08/2014 22:20

Sounds like you should, or it'll never happen. Can you try to make it a habit, so it doesn't get crowded out by other stuff - e.g. you go for run while your DH does breakfast?

Original poster
DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 16/08/2014 22:20

I'm not fit enough for a running club!

OP posts:
AnythingNotEverything · 16/08/2014 22:20

I think my feelings are similar. DH wants me to have free time, and wants to spend time alone with DD, but it never quite seems to actually happen.

I suspect the answer is to lock something in the diary - a weekly fitness class, solo errand running (how sad that this would feel like free time!?), lunch with friends, a mooch around the shops etc, but the key is that they must be scheduled and as important as other appointments.

I find it helps to get out during mealtimes as nothing else can get in the way of that, like ILs or whatever.

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/08/2014 22:21

'I'm off out this Sunday at 10'. Then just GO!

If you never do it he will never get used to having them both. Even if oyu just walk 30 mins in one direction - turn around and walk home. Go sit on a park bench for half an hour. Just go.

dottytablecloth · 16/08/2014 22:22

YANBU

Everyone needs time to themselves, you definitely deserve it.

Dh and I take it in turns to get up with ds on days off. One gets up with ds at 6/7/8 whatever time he wakens (luck of draw!) The other person sleeps in, gets up late, has leisurely shower and breakfast. I love my days off!

Even when I was on ML dh would take ds as soon as he got home from work! Your dh shouldn't be offering to look after his own child, he should just do it!

Definitely just plan afternoons out,tell him the night before and stick to your guns and go!

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 16/08/2014 22:22

I think you need more than an hour! Maybe a regular exercise class / book club / evening course one evening a week and a 'Saturday 4pm, mummy's hour' each weekend?

Thenapoleonofcrime · 16/08/2014 22:22

Sat or Sun morning is a good time to get a couple of hours away. I did find that to start with, either I needed to go out or they needed to go out (dd and husband) because if I was in the house, whingeing child (or two) would always seek me out. Once it was more established and they were a little older, it was ok for me to have a lie in with the bedroom door closed and them occupied downstairs for a couple of hours. I didn't give a monkey's what my husband did in that time though, sat on computer with baby cradled in other hand, watched DVDs, took them to the park, he did a variety of stuff. I think if you are 'off duty' you have to be properly off duty otherwise you are essentially supervising them even when you are not physically present.

Even going shopping without a toddler/baby attached can be fun!

SolidGoldBrass · 16/08/2014 22:23

Not at all, they are his kids too. An hour each weekend is entirely reasonable. But if your weekends are packed, how about an hour one week night? If, say, every Wednesday (being the middle of the working week it's often the night that most working people choose to relax or indeed go out to play) you have two hours in which you go and see a friend or have a swim or just go for a stroll somewhere? You are a person, not just a mum, and every adult needs a little bit of time to him/.herself on a regular basis.
I would suggest, to start with, making an appointment, putting it on the calendar etc and saying to him, 'Next Saturday I am going to [whatever] at lunchtime/in the afternoon/in the evening so you will be looking after the kids.'
Allow him, perhaps, one chance to say that it isn't possible on this occasion. But if he keeps arranging things so he can't possibly look after the kids, then you will know that he doesn't, actually, regard you as a human being: you are a domestic appliance and not entitled to any leisure at all.

ANd then you can decide whether or not you are prepared to live with someone who considers himself your owner.

Original poster
DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 16/08/2014 22:24

Ok, I'm off out tomorrow at 3 :) baby should be napping, should be back from seeing friends and if he is still bloody faffing with the car, then so be it. But the car really does need fixing.... And that's how it never happens....

OP posts:
fabulousfour · 16/08/2014 22:26

An hour... No more!!!!

Original poster
DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 16/08/2014 22:27

He says that his life is just work, then home with kids, and jobs. But he gets a full lunch hour, and the commute, and his exercise class, and his hobby time, and his sitting on the loo doing a poo for bloody ages time!

OP posts:
coppertop · 16/08/2014 22:29

I'd pick a specific time each week and stick to that.

If your dp is busy then he will have to arrange for someone else to look after the DDs during that time.

You've tried being flexible and he's taken advantage of that.

fabulousfour · 16/08/2014 22:29

Right lady, show muscles.... Tou cant carry on lije this . Two small kiddies is hard.

Original poster
DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 16/08/2014 22:34

I suppose because I'm a SAHM now, I do get to do the fun stuff with them in the week, and do see fellow mummy friends occasionally, mainly at toddler groups but still - so I think he finds it hard to understand why I need a break.

I do all the cleaning, washing, cooking. He washes up the dinner dishes most nights and he cook Sunday nights.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 16/08/2014 22:39

Because you need an hour a week (tbh you need more!) to totally switch off.

Ask him when he gets to switch off - ill bet its much more than one hour per week. Then ask when he thinks you get the same mental downtime.

Kids may well be fun (for the most part) but at 1 & 3yo they require almost constant brain work Grin next nap, next feed, activity for AM, activity for PM, is the bag packed, are their bums clean, have they got clothes for tomorrow.....its a never endig mental cycle, regardless of the "fun stuff". You need time to switch off that brain.

coppertop · 16/08/2014 22:42

Would he still enjoy his hobby and his exercise class if he could only do them while looking after his children?

If the answer is yes then there's your chance for a break.

If the answer is no then why on earth should your activities all include looking after children?

slightlyglitterstained · 16/08/2014 22:49

Good point coppertop.

Original poster
DoYouThinkSheSawUs · 16/08/2014 22:53

Like it Coppertop!

Right, I've told him - 3pm tomorrow, I'm off, even if it is to do the supermarket run on my own without graving to say "can you find the bananas, oh look there's a forklift!", even that would be nice!

OP posts:
dottytablecloth · 16/08/2014 23:01

I wouldn't make my 'free time' activity be a household task like shopping, that should be extra!

Do something you enjoy, even if it's just coffee or a peaceful walk!

Cheeky76890 · 17/08/2014 09:34

You should have the same amount of free time. If he has 6 hours a week, you should have 6 hours a week. Why is he more entitled?

Cheeky76890 · 17/08/2014 09:35

Go for a coffee not the supermarket. Go sit and read the paper or walk. He doesn't shop in his free time.