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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with the ils.

49 replies

LokiBear · 16/08/2014 19:09

My in laws are lovely. I love them very much and generally we get on just fine. Same for my SIL, BIL and their families. II am very lucky to have a lovely family and I do understand that. Anyway, they have decided that they want to go on a big family holiday to a specific destination that they have chosen. There will be MIL, FIL, SIL and her DH and BIL and his DW plus 3 kids. We have been away together before. The issues are:

If we go away with them we will go to a place of their choosing, we will be in each others pockets the whole time and do the things that DH'S brother and sister want to do. There will be very little negotiation. MIL will say that we can do our own thing but DH will want to follow the crowd. The week will be planned out between SIL and BIL and we will tag along.I find all of this a bit much.

Sometimes when we go on family days out I feel like I don't get to see my DD. Grandparents want to do things with her and I feel I should step back. I end up feeling like a spare part.

DH, when around his parents, tends to revert back to being a kid. It's almost like, his parents are there to be the parent so he doesn't have to. He switches off and I find this hugely irritating. It's fine during a visit or if we spend a day or two with them. I couldn't cope with a week. I have spoken to him about it and once he realises that he is doing it he does snap out of it a bit but only usually after I am annoyed.

We can only afford one holiday. I want to choose where we go and I want to be able to have time with just my husband and daughter. We both work full time and I just feel like we need that time.

We live 30 mins away from ils and see them all of the time.

So there it is. My ils are lovely, there are no big issues at all. In fact, I'd feel the same if it were my parents wanting us to go. DH is being understanding, but I get the impression that he would like to go.

So, aibu to just say no?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 16/08/2014 19:13

Are you being asked to pay?

ItWasMyOwnSilence · 16/08/2014 19:15

Yanbu, going on holiday with anyone other than immediate family is hard work.

Ledkr · 16/08/2014 19:18

I had this dilemma and didn't want to go but did fir dh's sake as I didn't want to be the only partner not going.
Tbh it was a bit of a waste of time cos they went out bit we wanted to stay at the site as there was loads of stuff to do.
They wanted to sit in their accommodation but we wanted to be out doing stuff with the girls.
My dds like the disco and kids clubs but in laws were snobby about it.
I wouldn't do it again if I'm honest.

magentastardust · 16/08/2014 19:20

YANBU , I love my folks but any more than 2 or days away with them and I am getting irritated (I am probably annoying them too). It just doesn't work for me-our holidays are very precious and I want them to great not compromised eg in that I want to spend time with DH and my DC and doing our own thing not fitting in around others.

Original poster
LokiBear · 16/08/2014 19:21

We will pay for ourselves and DH won't go if I don't. We can't afford to have another holiday when paying for this one. Not sure how much it will be as they haven't chosen exact location yet (just general area). Cost is a concern actually. I hadn't considered that before.

OP posts:
indigo18 · 16/08/2014 19:25

Seems like the problem is dh, really. Could you agree beforehand that you spend at least one day doing something on your own (with DD)? Or a couple of half days?
Like you, I recoiled from this sort of thing when the DC were small, but DH's parents both died young and I do rather regret that we never did a family holiday

silverstreak · 16/08/2014 19:30

I wouldn't do it either. Have just been given a similar opportunity with our in-laws but we have turned it down.... Even though I get on fine with them and they have ordered to pay (or rather, not charge us as they are going anyway, it's a pre-booked villa), there would still be some costs and the main issue for me is it would also be our only holiday this year (& probably next as well) and I really feel it's super important we spend the valuable time alone as a family... Time together is scarce enough as it is! Don't feel guilty about depriving your dh, etc, sounds like you see them oodles anyway?!

Original poster
LokiBear · 16/08/2014 19:32

The problem is, he will agree, his siblings will complain that we aren't doing something and I will give in because I will feel like I'm being unfair to DH. I think the crux of it is that I am selfish and do not want to share my holiday. But I'm also a wuss and a total people pleaser so I have this urge to make my DH happy. He is being a little sulky this evening. I know it's because I've said I don't want to go. He has said it's fine but I know it's not. Yet I can't bring myself to say we will go because I just don't want to! Thank you for all the support. Makes me feel like I'm not alone in feeling this way!

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 16/08/2014 19:35

I would say that it's only one week and you should go but given you can only do one holiday then yanbu.
Do you think though if you do end up going on a separate holiday this might cause an issue with your il?

EndoplasmicReticulum · 16/08/2014 19:35

We have just done this and actually it was ok. Helped that we hired our own car, so we just did our own thing, with two children we like to be up and out in the morning while inlaws prefer to dither until lunchtime. Husband and I did end up doing a fair bit of cooking though as it was self catering.

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/08/2014 19:45

Surely...you have already plans for your one holiday this year and can't afford to go with them as well?

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 16/08/2014 19:47

I wouldn't. I've been persuaded to go on holiday with pil, they offered to pay for us and DC to go on holiday with them and dh said yes. I wasn't keen as we aren't very close, but was persuaded by dh that it would be a treat for the DC and nice for pil.

I am quite ill just now and on a reducing but high dose of steroids, and I'm starting to feel very stressed about keeping up with everyone, and making sure DC are well behaved and have a good time and that pil have a good time too, seeing as they have been so generous I feel responsible for their enjoyment too.
We aren't going until October but I find myself wishing more and more that I hadn't agreed to it. If we were using our own money I think I'd feel resentful at the stress of pleasing everyone at the expense of myself, so op if I were you I would definitely say no (speaking as someone for whom it's too late)!

Mintyy · 16/08/2014 19:48

Yanbu. Of course yanbu, no question. If you don't want to go on this holiday (or any holiday) then don't go.

Kettricken · 16/08/2014 19:48

Don't do it. I've just spent a week with my in laws who are lovely people but I'm ready to kill them now and they probably feel the same way!

CrapBag · 16/08/2014 19:52

YANBU.

Sounds like my idea of hell. Why should one couple get to dictate what everyone does? Why is it you get absolutely no say in where you go?

Let your DH sulk, don't cave and start planning where you are actually going to go.

hamptoncourt · 16/08/2014 19:53

YANBU.

Just go on holiday with DH and your DD.

Don't worry about it!

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 16/08/2014 19:58

I have been on holidays with my pil twice. Each time il was at our expense and our only holiday that year.

It is not something that I would ever choose to do - even with my own parents.

However, the dc really enjoyed it, my pil really enjoyed it and my DH was happy seeing them all spend time together.

I understand why you don't want to go - I too felt like we had no time alone (I felt suffocated), that DH slipped into lazy mode, that all our activities and their timings were dictated by others. It was not a proper holiday in my book!

But I will do it again because while my pil are fit and healthy I want them to enjoy time with the dc.

petalunicorn · 16/08/2014 19:58

We do this and I find it hard, however our kids love being with their extended family and the shared times cement their bonds with them. So I go and get stressed BUT dh is a big support in helping me deal with this.

It will also be our only holiday this year, and for us, our only leave days taken together. Everyone else in the group has other holidays too, it does raise the stakes.

McFlickle · 16/08/2014 20:00

YANBU if it's your only holiday. If you'd already been on your 'proper' holiday and this was an extra one I'd consider it, especially if you had your own car and could do some things just with your DH and kids.

Original poster
LokiBear · 16/08/2014 20:02

We do lots together. Trips to the zoo, theme parks, breakfast with santa etc. They have an open invitation to take dd on day trips to have quality time alone with her. I'd do a weekend trip, just not my one holiday of the year. Thanks for all of the comments and thank you for not ripping into me. It's scary posting on aibu!

OP posts:
cornflakegirl · 16/08/2014 20:10

If your DH (and presumably your DD) would like to do it, can you find a way for it to be more on your terms? Research stuff to do in the area and agree things your family would like to do. Then the others and say "We're planning to do x on day y, who else is up for that?"

I recently did an extended family holiday. It would have been much improved if we'd talked beforehand about our expectations of doing things en masse or otherwise.

Seriouslyffs · 16/08/2014 20:13

Can you afford to bolt on another week? So say you're all self catering for a week, stay on in the area in a hotel or vice versa? That way you'll get the family time and the big holiday? It sounds as if they're ok enough for the week, the bigger problem is that it will be your only holiday.
You can have a self catering holiday week very cheaply if it's just you 3 and as you'll have paid for transport already...

phantomnamechanger · 16/08/2014 20:15

Don't do it. I've just spent a week with my in laws who are lovely people but I'm ready to kill them now and they probably feel the same way!

^ snap! are you my SIL? Grin

Original poster
LokiBear · 16/08/2014 20:16

If we did that they would all just stay! Dont really want to go to the chosen destination anyway.

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 16/08/2014 20:25

Could you just ovelap their holiday by say 4 days or so by going out earlier or later

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