Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not want to go on holiday with the ils.

49 replies

LokiBear · 16/08/2014 19:09

My in laws are lovely. I love them very much and generally we get on just fine. Same for my SIL, BIL and their families. II am very lucky to have a lovely family and I do understand that. Anyway, they have decided that they want to go on a big family holiday to a specific destination that they have chosen. There will be MIL, FIL, SIL and her DH and BIL and his DW plus 3 kids. We have been away together before. The issues are:

If we go away with them we will go to a place of their choosing, we will be in each others pockets the whole time and do the things that DH'S brother and sister want to do. There will be very little negotiation. MIL will say that we can do our own thing but DH will want to follow the crowd. The week will be planned out between SIL and BIL and we will tag along.I find all of this a bit much.

Sometimes when we go on family days out I feel like I don't get to see my DD. Grandparents want to do things with her and I feel I should step back. I end up feeling like a spare part.

DH, when around his parents, tends to revert back to being a kid. It's almost like, his parents are there to be the parent so he doesn't have to. He switches off and I find this hugely irritating. It's fine during a visit or if we spend a day or two with them. I couldn't cope with a week. I have spoken to him about it and once he realises that he is doing it he does snap out of it a bit but only usually after I am annoyed.

We can only afford one holiday. I want to choose where we go and I want to be able to have time with just my husband and daughter. We both work full time and I just feel like we need that time.

We live 30 mins away from ils and see them all of the time.

So there it is. My ils are lovely, there are no big issues at all. In fact, I'd feel the same if it were my parents wanting us to go. DH is being understanding, but I get the impression that he would like to go.

So, aibu to just say no?

OP posts:

Rainbunny · 16/08/2014 20:27

I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to go but do you think you could "take one for team" just this one time? You don't need to repeat it ever again. I have wonderful memories of big family holidays as a child, your DC will likely have an amazing time. Schedule in some downtime for yourselves - non-negotiable if you agree to go.

maddening · 16/08/2014 20:33

You could alternate holidays - one year it is your choice and the next it is dh's - so if you did a holiday with his parents last year then this year it is your turn - if this is a one off holiday or more infrequent then yabu if they are generally lovely and you enjoy spending time with them a one off or infrequent holiday is lovely and as you know what bugs you you could be upfront about things you want to do.

magentastardust · 16/08/2014 20:43

Can you suggest an extended family long weekend away instead ? Would they be offended if you said that you would like your own holiday but would love to have a short break with them?

Or as others suggested I would overlap by a few days.

I did do a short break with my family -they generously paid so we felt that we should go and make the effort , I also thought I should as who knows how long they have left and taking one for the team would make the kids and GP's happy...however I am glad we didn't do a full blown holiday as after that our financial situation changed for a bit and we could only afford a family holiday away every 2nd year , between that and realising that the dc's are growing up so quickly and we only have a few holidays with us all then it has made me realise how precious my family holiday is.

We had brilliant family holidays with my parents as a child and made loads of memories but now it is important I make my own memories and have my own interrupted time as a family too.

Gen35 · 16/08/2014 20:55

Yanbu, I've been away with my PIL twice for my dd's sake and it has been an unrelaxing nightmare, you've tried it before so you know it will suck, you both work ft and it's your one chance of a vacation. I'd be busy or can't afford it. Stand up to your DH or it'll just cause more resentment. It's perfectly reasonable.

Sarsaparillajones · 16/08/2014 20:58

I'm just back from 2 weeks from hol with all my ILs - PIL + BIL x 2 which means SIL x 2 and loads of little ones. I love them all dearly but they do drive me mad en masse and for prolonged time. My wine consumption over the 2 weeks was horrific! But I'm glad I went, it was FILs 80th and one of the cousins 21st, and everyone is getting older so not sure how many more years we will be able to do these breaks. Anyway I have a few techniques I apply which means I enjoy the time. Firstly I am really clear on separating out time, so basically 1 day doing the whole group everyone thing, and the next we shoot off ourselves with our kids and see them in the evening. Secondly if someone else is in charge of a day I go with the flow and don't try and organise anything, my SIL takes the view that she will make no decisions at all, and just goes along with what the others decide, so she has a stress free break. I think what I'm trying to say is, if you do this, then do it on your own terms. Work out what will make it work for you, make that a condition of acceptance with OH and stick to it. Don't be a wimp and martyr, be really clear on what would make it work and do that! And if you can't then stick to saying no. Hope you work through this.

parakeet · 16/08/2014 21:01

I can't understand why people are suggesting compromises. When you only have one holiday a year it has to be one that both of you are happy about. Madness to even think about this if you have so many reservations.

Ignore the sulking, as you would a child.

hamptoncourt · 16/08/2014 21:03

I am with parakeet I have been quite surprised how many posters have told OP to suck it up and go on holiday with people she doesn't want to holiday with!!

One life.

GnomeDePlume · 16/08/2014 21:12

YANBU

We holidayed with PiL & DM. We have now said never, ever again.

It was such hard work.

EarthWindFire · 16/08/2014 21:12

You need to talk to your DH. It's all very well people saying don't compromise and just go away with DH and DC but what if DH really wants to go?

It may be one life but it's his life too.

FryOneFatManic · 16/08/2014 21:19

I would never have gone on holiday with my late PILs, even though I liked them enormously. We were just too different.

We have been on holiday with my parents. Even though we did do things separately, it was still a stressful week for me. I would never do it again.

greenbananas · 16/08/2014 21:21

I understand your concern. My in laws are lovely people too but after a week self catering with them a couple of years ago, I was saying "never again!"

However, if your dd and dh would really enjoy it, maybe you could do it just this one year, grit your teeth and cope as best you can? Holidays with cousins and grandparents are precious, your dd will probably remember it all her life.

My in laws are very elderly, and I'm always conscious of building good memories for my children.

If you do decide to go away with them this year, you probably deserve your own choice of holiday next year.

Original poster

LokiBear · 16/08/2014 21:25

Dd is only 3. I think I'd sooner wait until she would actually remember it.

OP posts:

riskit4abiskit · 16/08/2014 21:29

Well we have just bought a tent ... and in laws are definitely not camping people. Just saying!

wirezip · 16/08/2014 21:33

In all honesty, I think I'd rather chew my own arm off than go on holiday with the PiLs. I'd just say no.

greenbananas · 16/08/2014 21:36

Ha, risk it4abiskit, we did that too, following our shared self catering experience.

It worked out quite well. We camp not far from home, and the in laws are offering to come out for the odd day. Result!

Chiana · 16/08/2014 21:43

OP, I could be you. My in-laws are also lovely people, and I thought there would be no problem when we all went away on holiday together. It was a nightmare, and I would never do it again, unless it were for a bank holiday weekend or something, i.e. not more than 2 nights. 3 at the absolute most.

Don't do it! Especially if it will be your only holiday this year. Or do as others have suggested, and overlap by 2 or 3 days to keep the peace, and have the rest of the time doing your own thing with your DH and DC.

riskit4abiskit · 16/08/2014 21:56

Greenbananas our pil are dying to come 'visit us' in our tent! Its a genius solution I just need to spend a fortune now making camping more comfortable!

Original poster

LokiBear · 17/08/2014 10:39

Had a good chat with DH about not wanting to go. He said he understood and even agreed with a few of my points. He said he wasn't really bothered either way. It was completely fine, we won't go. However, the invite was via text message and he hasn't responded saying no thank you. He wants to wait and tell them later. Meaning he is going to wait until we see them next, wait for them to bring it up and then leave me to say no thank you, which will result in everyone then trying to change my mind and he just sits on the sidelines saying 'it's really up to you, Loki'. He has form for this. I'm cross with him now. He hasn't entered into a proper discussion about it, he has let me decide. He doesn't like the answer so now he is going to let the fact that I will feel guilty saying no to his family manipulate me into saying we will go. Hmph. Not this time.

OP posts:

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 17/08/2014 10:46

Text back yourself (on your phone) - but use "we" not "I", or use "dh and I". Make it clear this is a joint and final decision!

And then plan and book your holiday fast, so when they all gang up on you try to persuade you, you can say "sorry we can't afford two holidays".

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 17/08/2014 10:53

No, if he puts you in that position, say that you have both discussed it and agreed it wasn't an option to go this year.

If he then says it was all your decision and he wasn't bothered, I would pull him up on it and ask why he agreed one thing with you and is now saying another in front of your family. Then leave a long silence for him to fill, and he can explain why he was lying to either you or his family.

Original poster

LokiBear · 17/08/2014 11:00

I think when they ask I'm going to turn and look at him to answer. I'm not going to say a word. We made a definite decision and I am not going to be painted as the bad guy. The ils will be disappointed I'm sure but they will understand. I think, as someone else pointed out, DH is the issue.

OP posts:

CSIJanner · 17/08/2014 11:16

Pick his mobile up and text the "no thanks" message for him...? Just wondering.

Original poster

LokiBear · 17/08/2014 11:30

If I did that he would get into a huff about me using his phone. I'm not giving him any opportunity to make me the one in the wrong here. I'm just not going to be manipulated either. I'll wait, let his parents ask and look to him to give the answer. They want to book soon so it's only fair he let's them know. I'm just annoyed that he didn't put up an argument for wanting to go, agreed with everything I said, but is trying to manipulate the situation so that we go anyway.

OP posts:

Lovestosing · 17/08/2014 11:43

YADNBU. Say no. We've been on holidays with ILs and my family several times, and it wasn't too bad, however three years ago we went with ILs when DN was tiny. SIL and BIL were both obsessed with his routine, constantly checking clocks for timings of feeds, when to make bottles, nap times, wake times, nappy changes, etc. DD2, a fiery child had a number of tantrums on that holiday and all of the ILs made it clear what they think of her behaviour. She is now known as the difficult one!
Our 3 DCs who were 5, 3 and 1 were constantly being told to keep quiet so as not to wake DN. Did they keep quiet during dd2's naps though? Nope! BIL being a rather forceful character often dictated the proceedings. After that holiday I said never again. I would go on holiday with them providing we weren't in the same accommodation. Our last three holidays have been just the 5 of us and we have all loves them. SIL has been muttering about wanting to go abroad next year but they'll only be able to afford it if we all share accommodation. Tough! DH knows my views on that, NEVER AGAIN!

Flip

1 2