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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused about who's right and who's wrong?

42 replies

MrsWinnibago · 16/08/2014 17:09

We live in a flat above an elderly woman. We have two DC aged 6 and 10. We try to be quiet but can't afford underlay. The flat is housing association and when we moved in, this was all there was and we were almost homeless so had no choice.

I try my best to ensure the DC don't stomp about and that they don't run etc but it's hard!

The neighbour has just had a go at DH re the noise and said "I've only had ONE nice neighbour in 20 years!

Which I think is bloody rude. We are nice....we're polite, kind and helpful. She's 81 and perhaps the slightest noise is upsetting when she's in the house a lot...but really I don't know what else to do!

Shall I send her a card to apologise? DH explained that we're always reminding the DC to be quiet...we try our best...but it's hard in a tiny flat.

Part of me feels harassed by her and part of me feels she's right. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsWinnibago · 16/08/2014 17:12

Bump

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 16/08/2014 17:12

So you do admit the dc are noisy then?

ilovepowerhoop · 16/08/2014 17:13

sounds like she is a horrible neighbour rather than you. It's part and parcel of living in a flat that you are going to get some noise from neighbours. What sort of flooring do you have? Could rugs help to cut noise down?

Original poster
MrsWinnibago · 16/08/2014 17:16

Soul there's the thing....I honestly don't know! I don't think they are...they are quite quiet children. They don't play particularly loud games or anything....the noise they make tends to be normal things like walking across the floor or the odd crying when things don't go their way.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsWinnibago · 16/08/2014 17:18

hoop just carpets.

OP posts:
x2boys · 16/08/2014 17:18

Its really difficult living in a flat when I lived in a flat ground floor I could hear my neighbour above flushing the toilet etc if you are generally reasonably quiet I think your neighbour is being unreasonable .

Original poster
MrsWinnibago · 16/08/2014 17:20

I just don't know what IS reasonably quiet. I can't make the DC go about like mice! I do remind them ALL the time that someone is just below us and we must be considerate but I feel all worried incase she complains about us to the HA!

How do they "police" things like this? I mean her idea of too noisy could just be normal noise....

OP posts:
LadyLemongrab · 16/08/2014 17:20

Unless your children are stomping and jumping around then you are not unreasonable at all.

I have been an upstairs neighbour and made sure there was no unnecessary banging but didn't creep around in my own home and wouldn't make dc do so either.

I've been a downstairs neighbour and been absolutely fine with the fact there is some noise which comes from upstairs. That just how it is.

Continue to be pleasant to her but don't expect it to make any difference to her attitude. If someone's wants to play the martyr, they will.

Original poster
MrsWinnibago · 16/08/2014 17:21

DH said she was quite rude but she's 81! We can't really do anything but nod and listen.

So should I pop a card through just to keep her sweet and let her know we are sorry? Because if we have been too loud then I am sorry of course. But school holidays etc...gah!

OP posts:
Topseyt · 16/08/2014 17:21

It is so hard in a small flat with children. We lived in a top floor flat when I had my eldest daughter and pretty soon hated it (though for other reasons, like getting baby, pushchair, shopping etc. up there without a lift).

It does sound as if the woman was rather rude, though it is hard to judge online. With the best will in the world, children may be well behaved, but are not silent. Does she perhaps belong to the old "children should be seen but not heard" brigade, who claim that no-one would ever have heard a peep from their perfect offspring?

Do your children get out in the day to burn off energy, so that they are less likely to be hyper when in the flat?

Are you trying to get your names down for a more suitable property, or is perhaps an exchange possible? I am not well versed in the ways of councils, as we owned our flat so had different choices.

HeartShapedBox · 16/08/2014 17:21

if it's just normal everyday noise, then your neighbour is bu.

81 or not, other peoples noise is a consequence of living in flats.

Original poster
MrsWinnibago · 16/08/2014 17:22

Lady she is martyring herself. She told DH in front of my 6 year old "I've been in tears!" I don't think that is appropriate really.

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 16/08/2014 17:24

Don't give her a card !! By doing that you are admitting that you think you children are too noisy. It's telling she thanks she's only had 1 nice neighbour. Makes me think the problem is her, not others. Just try not to be too noisy but just live your lives.

fluffyraggies · 16/08/2014 17:26

Normal family noise is not classes as a 'nuisance' though. Within sociable hours. Not to the HA or the council. It sounds as if your family is no noisier than it should be OP. Perhaps there has been a noisy family in the flat before you and the neighbor is just very twitchy.

A card through the door to the old lady saying you are sorry if you've been noisy would be kind. and then carry on as you are

fluffyraggies · 16/08/2014 17:28

''She told DH in front of my 6 year old "I've been in tears!"''

Oh God. That is off.
Put it down to her age though.

Topseyt · 16/08/2014 17:30

I wouldn't bother with the card either. Just avoid her where possible. Where it isn't possible then just be civil if you do need to speak.

If she is martyring herself as you say then let her carry on doing just that provided she doesn't make any more trouble.

Electriclaundryland · 16/08/2014 17:31

You are a family in a flat, there will be noise. As long as you aren't having noisy music,parties or really loud kids then ignore her and get on with your lives. She lives in a flat and therefore should expect to hear other residents. If she wants quiet she should move.

Frusso · 16/08/2014 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FernMitten · 16/08/2014 17:32

Our old flat was 1st floor, I know how hard it is to keep the dc (and their visiting friends) quiet. We had sturdy floors and made an effort, but on the rare occasions I'd see my downstairs neighbour, he would say it could be noisy.

We now live in a ground floor flat with upstairs neighbour and at first it was torture. I understand about putting up with noise, living in flats etc., but you can feel like you're under siege, never daring to plan a quiet night or a lie-in in case they have guests or are up early. Luckily my new neighbour is lovely and it takes quite an edge off Grin and we're more used to it now.

Talk to your HA and see if they can help with flooring for you, this will pre-emt any disputes they'll have to sort out. Try to muffle your noise as much as possible and be nice to your neighbour as it does help I think. Good luck, it's not easy for you.

MrsCakesPrecognition · 16/08/2014 17:33

If she has spent the last 20years being upset by her neighbours then it isn't really about you, is it?

FernMitten · 16/08/2014 17:34

Btw, I'd been in tears many times about the noise, it's not age.

CecilyP · 16/08/2014 17:37

You are not doing anything wrong, so you really don't need to apologise. So definitely no card for the reason mini said. You can't be expected to keep the children quiet. It is part and parcel of living underneath other people that you will hear some noise. (I presume your children aren't shouting and jumping in the middle of the night). It might be the design of the flats that makes noise carry more than usual (I have lived in one flat where the downstairs neighbour complained about the noise of my washing machine - what on earth was I supposed to do about that?).

If she complains to the HA, it is likely they will investigate and conclude that it is normal noise and you can't do anything different. You could also ask if there is anything they can advise. One thing; are you sure you can't afford underlay? - you can get quite cheap deals on it if you don't buy from carpet shops and if you can lay it yourself.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/08/2014 17:38

I think she is being unreasonable, even though I can imagine it's annoying for her.

I would probably be quite honest with her as you've been on here, and explain you realize it's difficult, and you wish there had been a more suitable flat, but there wasn't. She should surely recognize that it's not as if you thought it was a bright idea to have the flat without underlay and your hands are tied financially.

Floisme · 16/08/2014 17:39

Is she mobile? Does she go out or have visitors? If you're housebound and don't see many people then I can understand how something like noise would get to you. Age is no excuse for rudeness though.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/08/2014 17:39

"I've only had ONE nice neighbour in 20 years!" There's your answer. It's her, not you.

Ask the HA about underlay.