to think that inviting / taking young children to weddings is nuts?

[LapsedTwentysomething]

Currently bored out of my mind sitting in the car with DS (1.9) who has waiting time before the service rampaging outside with his dad and the two minutes of the service itself that we lasted for yowling because he bumped his head on a pew (as the bride walked down the aisle) then trying to run off down the outside aisle.

Cue a swift exit and he's running around the gravestones with my excrutiating heels sinking into the grass. Currently mainlining milk into him and hoping he'll go the fuck to sleep.

My advice to MNers - be careful what you wish for re DCs being invited to weddings. Wish we'd come alone

OP - I'm with you all the way. DC1 is now 4.5, I think he'd be great at a wedding now, because he'd be able to follow instructions about sitting quietly and behaving. From about 12 months to about 4, it's bloody hard work taking DCs to weddings.

(Don't get me started on the confusion at a family wedding 2 years ago that I hired a babysitter for the room after 7pm, yes, I could keep him up a bit longer, but 8pm would be a meltdown of epic proportions and there were babysitters available (friend of my cousin so known to the extended family if not me personally), why put myself and all the other guests through it for the sake of an extra £60 for the evening? (on the scale of having to drive from Kent to Nottingham and pay for 2 nights in a hotel for the wedding, it really wasn't that much more to pay out).

Yes Europeans have a different attitude to children, but quite frankly, it's not one I share, I don't like children's mess and noise, I tolerate my own, but that's about it, and I don't view a wedding of people in their late 20s/early 30s as "two families coming together" - I've never met my DB's DP's parents, I think I'll see them at their wedding and fully expect never to see them again as they wont be having DCs - weddings in the modern sense are about the couple and their loved ones/friends, not everyone counts their friend's DCs as 'loved ones' or 'friends' in their own right.

For us, child free wedding invites are a nightmare.

Last time we didn't decline, it involved driving the kids 2.5 hrs south west, to drop off the kids with my parents, before driving a hour and a half north west to the wedding, before repeating the journey in reverse the next day. It was absolutely shattering. We only do things like that for close friends.

Previously, we have declined child free wedding invites, and DH has gone on his own.

I don't mind child free invites, but please don't tell me its so I can have a good time without the boys. The logistics beforehand are a nightmare.

It definitely depends on whose wedding it is. I've been to some where it was adults only and I ended up leaving early. I've been to some where it was children, mine included and I wished I had found a babysitter as the children were bored out of their minds being the only children there and I've been to total family friendly ones where my children weren't invited (offended) and ones where they were and had a great time. I did resort to giving my older daughter (8 at the time) a diet coke so we could stay longer, bad mum award, I do think if I ever got married I'd go for a full on all children welcome rather than some invited, it's either all or nothing with children as I think the more of them there are, the more people they have to amuse them. I went to a wedding last year that was perfect for adults and children, my younger daughter came with, older one was away. They had a sweetie stall, lots of other children, fun packs for speeches time and the children's menu was scrumptious!

I do find it stressful if it's not particularly child friendly and it's definitely easier to take them when they're more independent. No nappy changing/accidents to deal with during the speeches, wedding ceremony etc...

Also, for those of you who feel self conscious about the noise from your little darlings. Someone said something very wise to me once, it's only really you who notices how much noise your little ones are making, most (I say most, not all) are oblivious to it. :)

For me, the fact that small people find weddings so challenging indicates there is something wrong with the whole wedding process. I reckon it is just a lack of inhibition that causes 'bad' behaviour in children. Really, we all want to scream with boredom during weddings, we don't because we are grown-ups.

The only weddings I have ever enjoyed as a guest were ones I attended with my small children they are a great get out of the boring bits free card

They were mostly (or in one case entirely) outdoor weddings and receptions, lots of space, brief services (one the kids lasted - then 5, 3 and very tiny baby) and enjoyed and were popular at the outdoor reception. The other I had to remove the youngest, who was then a very small toddler, and go for a walk during the service, but he enjoyed the outdoor reception and the photographer took a lot of pics of him in between the official photo sessions... but the eldest was 6 and a flower girl - did a great job of supervising the other even smaller flower girl, and the bride hogged DD for most of the reception ... DD even made a speech - but the whole thing was informal and there were lots of kids there.

I don't like weddings much, if I want a child free evening I wouldn't spend it at a wedding by choice :o I didn't have kids yet when I got married, and had a small, informal wedding, but I encouraged the 2 friends who had toddlers to bring them and was rather disappointed one left them with grandparents to have a child free good time :o but of course it was fine either way - I liked having my other friend's then toddlers at the wedding though - again it was an informal one, brief service and reception outdoors.

It all depends on the type of wedding IMO but the child free ones are usually very dull, all polite conversation with somebody's auntie or work colleague and getting slightly drunk to pass the time, unless you are all old uni friends or something I guess

Silvercat I have definitely been to a wedding where I've wanted to scream with boredom! Or run around the dance floor in circles like young children always do. Sometimes being an adult sucks..

YANBU
I think it's ridiculous to take very young (3 yrs and under) children to a wedding.
Why not get a babysitter and enjoy some fun time as a couple instead.
Older children (depending on the maturity of the child) can sometimes enjoy a wedding.

Especially little girls, who love the dressing up and the 'fairy-taleness' of it all.

Ah, I loved dressing mine up and taking them to a wedding, they love it.
If its a child friendly wedding I agree with FindoGask
Maybe youngsters today don't like being with their kids, some of the posts sound like the parents don't have a clue what to do with their own kids.
I find it quite
I know it is harder work when they are little but I would have hated to leave my dc whilst I was having fun.

Surely the best bit of a wedding is the coming together of all the generations to celebrate and wish you joy?

Not these days H of M. It's all me me me me....

We never bring our kids to weddings. We look at it as a grown-up night out.

I know it is harder work when they are little but I would have hated to leave my dc whilst I was having fun.

I also love spending time with my children, but I also think it's important (and healthy) to have areas of your life where you spend some time purely as a couple.
Not everything has to revolve around your children.

Went to a wedding a few weeks ago. Small children played noisily with toys at the back of the church all through the ceremony. Couldn't hear a bloody thing! Really annoying that the parents didn't take them out so we could actually hear the service.

I love children and don't mind them at weddings as they are part of the family, but think parents are highly selfish if they don't take them out when they start to be disruptive and noisy.

We chose not to have children at our wedding - both because of wanting no screaming kids interrupting the service and also because we couldnt afford to pay for the number of children my friends and family have - it would have added another 50 to the numbers.

Anyone I spoke to on the day and afterwards said they actually were enjoying their children not being there and didn't mind at all.

We got married last year and had a child friendly wedding, our dd's were 1 and 3.5 and we had 1.5 yr old godson and 2 year old god-daughter also involved in the ceremony etc and other than a slight tantrum from one who wanted to come up to the alter and see what was going on (easily resolved) all of the kids behaved beautifully....I was actually a little sad that they all behaved quite so well since we were prepared for all kinds of running around/dancing in the aisle etc during the service! all of the little unplanned things make the best memories :)

They had a ball running riot during the speeches/reception too with the other kids invited but we didn't have the expectation of them behaving like small adults which I think a lot of adults do...

I realise that not everyone is a laid back about it all as we were and not everyone has or wants kids. We're at a child free wedding this year and tbh, i'm expecting to be thoroughly bored since making small talk with strangers isn't my thing and I don't drink. I'd be grateful for a little person to get me out of the boring bits.

I agree. Two years later my now SILs family still know me as the woman with the crying baby. DS1 was 10 months when DB got married and DS1 just wanted to crawl/climb and cry all day. DP and I ate the reception meal in shifts on a table full of strangers (thanks bro!) due to taking it in turns trying to get DS1 off to sleep outside. By 6pm I spent an hour looping up and down a dual carriageway trying to get an overtired screaming baby to sleep. 10pm he eventually gave up and went to sleep. Whole thing was the most stressful awful day - and not made any better by being 5 months pregnant. I was however in awe of the woman who bought her 2/3 week old!!

But weddings are about family. And family includes children! We had about 18 children at ours, racing round having a ball. It was fantastic.

No - weddings are about two people getting married.

We wanted a child free wedding but because DH has grandchildren it wasn't an option. In the end there were only 5 children and they were all well behaved. We did make the evening child free though - obviously the ones there during the day could stay but we only invited adults for the evening bit.

We had one 'can you make an exception for us?' but said no as if we'd made an exception for one we'd have to do it for everyone.

Obviously, it's the people getting married's decision, and I've no issue with whatever their call is. However, we have no one we can leave our toddler with - family abroad, no friends close that we see often enough for our 2year old to be comfortable being left with - so we've taken him to a wedding and a civil partnership abroad this year.

There were lots of under-eights at both, and he didn't ruin anything and had a ball, especially playing with the older kids in the grounds of a crumbling Italian palazzo. It involved lots of us taking turns to look after him, but it was genuinely fun. Children's entertainers and a children's room for naps, meals, crafts and face painting had been set up, and everyone who had flown in from a long way away with children was very touched. It was an utterly lovely wedding.

We didn't have little children at our wedding, because the youngest family child at the time was 15 and our only friends with DCs were invited but couldn't come as it clashed with another family wedding. In hindsight, it would have been rather hellish for them, a stately home wedding, lots of breakable things about, open fires, outside there were water features in the garden and massive drops, the timings would be crap for small children's routines. I had no idea I'd planned a completely unchildfriendly wedding until after I had DCs of my own.

And no, my marriage wasn't about "family" - it was about DH and I deciding we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, not about joining our two extended families (beyond my 2 DCs christenings, none of my extended family have been in the same room as DH's extended family, the 2 sets of parents see each other at my DCs birthday parties, but that's about it).

It's not like olden days when families decided who you married, or paid for and arranged the weddings, being married isn't something you have to do to live together, so it's a private decision between 2 people who fund it themselves. It has nowt to do with "bringing to families together" (I couldn't name my DB's inlaws).

I extended invitations to the children of friends so my wedding. All bar one declined to bring their children!

Depends on child and wedding tbh. We married young so the only children we even knew were my cousins (youngest aged 6) and and DH's niece (2yo), I would have allowed any other children if we'd known any and but was fine, I barely noticed them there! But it was a french outdoor country and informal wedding.

DS came to 2 weddings with us when he was 11months and 18months. He was an easy sleeper so although we had to run after him during the day (although he wasn't invited to ceremony of the first one so he had a day being spoilt rotten by his godfather), he happily went to sleep in his buggy/in a teepee and we checked on him periodically and went on to be able to have a good time ourselves.

This summer we went to two weddings and the the DC were invited but we chose to not take them - one was a family garden informal wedding (a lot like ours) which actually would have been lovely to have them at, the other was a grand country house hotel and they would have been the only children there - everybody else decided to keep their kids away too!

We live on the other side of the world so not having the DC meant we really got to catch up with friends and have a great time focussing on that, and went to bed when we wanted, danced when we wanted - much better than missing out because of running around after our (admittedly generally very sweet and well behaved) DC.

We have two weddings, in the country where we live (so nobody to look after the children unlike weddings in the UK), one they are not invited but it's not til January so we've put aside the babysitting money already, the other they are invited but it's a big beach wedding round the corner from home with lots of children.

I'm not at all offended if my DC aren't invited to a wedding (they're now 2&5), and happily choose not to take them if I have willing and free childcare!

It was suggested to me that we had a venue with an extra room and hired entertainers for the children so the parents could enjoy themselves! (Obviously I look as if I'm made of money!) Maybe I was unreasonable but I expected the parents to keep their children occupied! We had special favour boxes with colouring books, stickers etc and everyone seemed happy with that.

I love my kids but you need a day to yourself sometimes and a wedding is a perfect day to have without your bundles of joy!!!!!

Why do people always trot out the "couples time" thing? Unless it is the wedding of long term mutual friends, and you both know lots of people at the reception, it is very often a case of one of the couple being there reluctantly and not knowing anyone, often of being placed on a table with strangers you have nothing much in common with, and always a case of spending the whole time making small talk with random other people who happen to be acquainted with or related to somebody you, or your OH, knows or is related to ...

If I want to spend quality time as a couple with my DH, we'll pack the kids off to MIL and FIL happily, and spend the time going on a motorbike trip - just the 2 of us - or staying in our living room watching DVDs and drinking wine, or go out for an Indian meal... but we wouldn't look for an occasion where we could spend a lot of money on suitable outfits, travel and presents, plus often staying in an expensive hotel which wouldn't have been our choice if free to go anywhere, sit through a church service, stand around hungry for a few hours, go and eat mediocre food which somebody else has paid through the nose for in a marquee on a big table with somebody else's great aunt and pervy uncle and ex-boss... etc.

Couple getting married's call - absolutely - but not woo hoo what a great chance to have child free couple time for the guests - there are far more enjoyable, relaxing ways to do that for 1/10 of the stress and expenditure