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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For thinking my online bf is being a twat?

53 replies

Thruaglassdarkly · 16/08/2014 03:08

I met a guy online in a game, almost a year ago, after having split from my long term partner for almost 3 years. He lives in the US and was lovely. Seemed to be all I ever wanted in a man. But after 4 months, around Feb time, he stopped writing and drifted off. I told him it was ok, I had no interest in someone who wasn't interested in me and suggested that we be just friends, which he happily accepted.
Then in May, after not hearing from him, I sent him a hi, how are you (casual like - he is a lovely friend and I didn't want to lose that friendship), Anyway, he said he'd missed me and not stopped thinking about me. Could we start again etc. So I said yes. And he went full on from that point, wanting me to write a story of our first date, telling me all the things he dreamed of for us....super, super soppy and shit.
And then....true to form, after a couple of months he started to get busy and make excuses as to why he wasn't in touch.
Eventually. he admitted that he wanted to find a local woman for the physical stuff, which I do get in a way, although I find it hurtful that after the closeness we shared the physical becomes more important than anything else.
He was like, If I am not seeing anyone by the time I have time off from work then maybe I'll let you visit me if that's what you really want. And I reacted badly to this, told him he wasn't all that and that I wouldn't bother then if that was how he felt.
Then he freaked out and started accusing me of being cold and distant like his freakish dad who fucked up his whole life. He suggested he was scared of me :(

Ugh....I am shit with men. really shit....

Look, don't have a go at me. OK? I ain't up to that. I feel shit as can be right now. But any constructive comments are welcome. Am I a bitch for reacting to his remarks???

OP posts:

Nancy66 · 16/08/2014 10:07

just write this off as a moment of madness and live your life in the real world for a while - with all the good and bad that brings.

pictish · 16/08/2014 10:09

I agree nancy.
Write this off as a flight of fancy you once had, and move on. xx

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 16/08/2014 10:27

Without sounding nasty (I really dont mean it to) OP I think you should get out a bit more. Socialise with men who are able to give you what you want.

Roussette · 16/08/2014 10:55

Look.... an online 'relationship' (I use the term relationship loosely..) is absolutely nothing like a real life face to face boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. This is just fantasy. Sorry to be blunt but he is not your boyfriend because you haven't even met him. You might feel you 'get on' in cyberspace, but you might feel no fizz or ingredient 'x' within 30 seconds of meeting if meeting were to even ever happen.

I might have this wrong but I think you are in UK and he is in US and the chances of this getting off the ground are pretty remote. It's really not a good idea to invest yourself emotionally into what is essentially an online friendship that most likely won't come to anything (a) because of the distance and (b) because if you were to meet you might not like each other!

I would suggest leaving this online stuff for a while and maybe getting out into real life doing something whereby you meet people to interact with. You've already wasted (by my calculations) ten months or more on this... don't waste any more of your life.

Vivacia · 16/08/2014 10:57

I think that this sums it up for me, from ClashCityRocker

The trouble is, it is easy to be a perfect partner on paper (or the computer screen) - and he's even failing at that.

Fairenuff · 16/08/2014 11:04

Come on, OP you know nothing about this person. Nothing. All you know is what they have decided to write.

It could be an 80 year old man. It could be an 80 year old woman. It could be a teenager. It could be a bored, married person just looking for kicks.

Do people these days really not get that online personas could be anything?

Bouttimeforwine · 16/08/2014 11:05

If you've regularly skyped him then I have a bit more sympathy, but if really was just in written form, or even just hearing him, then you really are having a relationship in your head. It is not real.

If you talk to him while seeing him at the same time, then perhaps it was a bit more "real" but still people can make themselves be what they want to be. You have no context of seeing him in real life.

You are seeing everything through rose coloured glasses and making everything out to be perfect in your head.

See it for what is is - a nice fantasy but not real life. Get out in to the real world and live a real life.

Bouttimeforwine · 16/08/2014 11:06

He hasn't even treated you well in cyber world. Respect yourself and don't let anyone treat you like crap, either in cyber world or real life.

Roussette · 16/08/2014 11:06

I agree Farenuff but to be fair to the OP, they could have skyped which might mean she knows what he looks like etc.

I just think it's ridiculous to think you are having a relationship with someone when you've never even met - the reality may be very different when you clap eyes on each other!

Scunthyplombin · 16/08/2014 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Thruaglassdarkly · 16/08/2014 11:41

Yeah, I know, you're all right :( I do know what he looks like, his daughter, his parents, etc - they're all on FB and I was introduced to him via another friend. I guess when we're lonely, we do stupid things :( Thanks for not being too hard from me. Maybe I'm the twat really, lol.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 16/08/2014 11:44

OP I think you need to watch Catfish. This happens all the time and the people are never who they say they are. Even with photographs.

scarletforya · 16/08/2014 11:49

although I find it hurtful that after the closeness we shared the physical becomes more important than anything else

Oh Op, of course an actual relationship trumps words on a screen! As for chemistry? You don't have any chemistry! All you've got are words on a screen! You've never met! He could be anyone, say anything!

Turn off the computer and get into real life!

mommy2ash · 16/08/2014 11:50

op you aren't a twat you were lonely and got caught up in it all. I would be careful online as I think you need to treat it all a bit suspiciously people can pretend to be anyone

Salemthecat · 16/08/2014 11:50

I don't think you're being a twat OP but I think you need to work on your confidence and self esteem and then start socialising in real life.

I understand that it's hard to hear but as you've said loneliness makes you do things for company or affection that you might not otherwise do.

BringMeTea · 16/08/2014 11:52

Be kind to yourself. No harm done. Just cease contact now and consign him to history. Onwards lovely lady to a RL man.

ChanelNo19LoveIt · 16/08/2014 11:54

He's in America. He lives on another continent

That is unavailable. You are unavailable.

Bouttimeforwine · 16/08/2014 11:58

When you are lonely it's easy for your imagination to create a perfect relationship. It's good that you recognise it for what it was. Don't beat yourself up.

Keep it as a nice memory and get on with real life. Can you join some clubs or find hobbies. When you are fulfilled in yourself, then you are more likely to meet someone, and if you don't, hey, you are fulfilled anyway.

Vitalstatistix · 16/08/2014 12:12

I'm sorry that you feel hurt. And you are certainly not a twat. What can be twatish about a person reaching out to connect with another person? Isn't that what we all want? Sadly, what you had was a fantasy and it's not unreasonable for him to want a relationship in real life rather than writing stories about fantasy dates and fantasising about what house you'd have and things like that.

You should want that too.

Can you try to change the way you think about this experience? I know it's hard to do, but if you could find a way to see that you had fun and fantasy and escapism but in that have also proven that you can connect with another human being and that that means you can do it in reality also.

wonkyandproudish · 16/08/2014 12:47

What game was it? (nosy) I have more sympathy than most on here probably! Met an ex on final fantasy online, was with him for 2 years. Yorkshire to East Anglia travel wasn't too bad but when he moved to Scotland as he couldn't be arsed to find a new place when his tenancy ended... The dream died.

Currently having dreamy thoughts about another guy I met through same game who I'm meeting later this year. Having known him 6 years online I know he probably isn't an axe murderer and is a kind person or can be. But not getting my hopes up.

The above posters are right, if a bit harsh - nothing is real till it happens in real life. I know online stuff can get very intense very quickly and all I can suggest is to be cautious with your feelings until you have actually met. Before then you are feeling stuff, yes, but it's a picture of them which may be incomplete, idealised, or just plain inaccurate. Have a friendly /pat from this tarutaru/draenei/fantasy race of choice and recognise it for a nice flirtation.

EllaFitzgerald · 16/08/2014 12:54

You aren't a twat at all. I think if anyone is, then it's him. Twice now he's given you a load of old flannel about how wonderful your first date will be and twice he's dropped you. He's obviously very aware he wants someone local, (which is totally understandable) so he's pretty much leading you up the garden path every time he's bored and needs his ego stroking. This man is not a friend to you. If he was, he wouldn't treat you as though your friendship was disposable when he had something better to do.

Having said that, you do sound quite vulnerable in your post, are you certain that this kind of 'relationship' is the sort you want to pursue? You don't know him. You don't know if the profiles of his family are real, or whether he's just plucked those pictures from the internet. The chances of you ever meeting are slim, (both because of the distance and because he doesn't sound particularly keen) and the chances of a relationship developing are even slimmer.

There is nothing wrong with talking to people on line, but none of it is real unless you meet in person. If you're talking to people with a view to something 'real' happening, but they're talking to you just to fill in the time until someone closer comes along, what do you get out of it?

EllesBellls · 16/08/2014 12:55

OP I think you need to watch Catfish. This happens all the time and the people are never who they say they are. Even with photographs.

I agree with this

ChanelNo19LoveIt · 16/08/2014 12:56

Years ago, I caught up in to an email volley with a man two counties away. We got on very well, (we'd been matched by one of those personality tests) he did get my sense of humour very well. anyway after about 3 weeks we met up. When he walked towards the table, I felt NOTHING. This bubble burst. It was weird really. I realised I'd invented chemistry.

AnyFucker · 16/08/2014 13:07

How can you possibly have chemistry with someone you have never met ?

ChanelNo19LoveIt · 16/08/2014 13:36

In my case, I'd forgotten how vital it was. How pointless everything else is without it. And I only spent a few weeks exchanging emails.

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