For detesting my SIL?

[1wokeuplikethis]

My SIL has been a complete handful from day one. She is a crazy narcissistic miserable selfish boozehag who thrives on drama and negativity. She comes from a very unstable family and has married into a very loving, close and warm family. But rather than be grateful at finally having some loving stability she can't help but bitch and moan about us and make snidey remarks and recently just make up lies about us all.

She keeps telling my brother she doesn't love him and can't be bothered to work at their marriage. They have two very young children together and he really wants things to work out between them because he loves her. But recently she has said terrible things about all of us. She's always been bitchy and every time she has put me down or insulted me I haven't responded so as to keep family bonds strong. But lately she has told my brother she doesn't like my relationship with my mum because we are so close, she thinks I'm superficial, she doesn't like me going to my parents house when they are visiting them because she doesn't want to 'share' their attention. She has said awful things about my parents and I am absolutely furious. I only know because my brother has sought advice/comfort from me and I haven't reacted so as not to break his confidence or cause further rows between them.

But by not having my right to reply and by feeling like a total doormat for several years already I am so so so so angry, I want to give her some home truths and for once have my say and tell her what a horrid spiteful liar she is. I'm angry she's hurting my brother and parents, I'm angry I can't do anything about it, I'm angry at the thought of her once again getting the upper hand over me because I 'can't' respond.

She is complete scum. She is a manipulative, heartless bully and I have given her so many chances I feel like an utter mug. She thinks she can talk to me any way she pleases and say disgusting things about me because she mistakes my loyalty and love for weakness.

So do I finally vent, have my say, strip her down a peg or two and feel an enormous sense of satisfaction at her finally being told what a fool she is. Or do I carry on sucking it up and getting a frickin stomach ulcer from all the rage I have swirling around? [OP edited by MNHQ]

I had similar negative feelings about SIL.

I held my council.

15 years on my feelings towards her and hers towards me have mellowed.

I'm so glad I didn't confront her now, families are there for the long haul, and I try to remember this in my dealings with them.

I know of a has married into a very loving, close and warm family

-as long as things are going their way. If not, then not so much.

And if she is married to someone she doesn't love then there isn't much anyone can do.

How are you feeling today op ?
It really is a horrible situation to be in, I understand your anger.

Do you feel any better for ranting on here ? I suppose it's better to let it all out on here than in rl,
I haven't got any advice, I have been in a similar situation and have had to let a lot slide to stop a family fall out. I think you just have to firmly stand your ground, and try to not get involved unless you have to.

My frustration is from her saying things about me and me being unable to respond

This is why your brother should not be telling you things she allegedly says about you.

He is being manipulative.

So nice of your brother to try and provoke you into getting all aggressive with his wife and having a proxy fight for him.

I agree your brother has been very selfish telling you all this. I get he needed to talk to someone about it, but does he not have friends? Now you're furious and have no-one to vent to...

Have a read of Toxic Inlaws. With especial reference to engulfing families. My inlaws think I have been damaged by boarding school so cannot cope with what they would term a loving family. I just don't want to be micromanaged and want a bit of autonomy!

Your brother shouldn't be passing on anything negative about your wider family or you. Everyone needs to vent or to discuss other family members (just like you are doing here) and he has then passed on those conversations which were not meant for your ears.

My husband moans about my mum sometimes, I don't tell her. I say a few choice words about his mum or dad from time to time, he says nothing

It should be possible to have discussions about the family you marry into including venting and saying possibly bad things without them being passed on.

Your DB is entirely to blame in this scenario, hes passed on the nastiness and now he's created a family feud. Sorry, but your SIL spoke in confidence to her husband and if it had stayed in confidence, she may still not be a nice person, but this would not have blown up.

If she's been so awful from day1, why choose her as god mother, maid of honour etc..? Sounds as though things have just gone downhill fast in your relationship and needs to be addressed. Have to say though, many posters commenting on use of word cretin, I find calling someone 'scum' more disturbing. . Who do you think you are ?

OP you've been given a hard time here - sorry you feel so wound up by your SIL. Having read the thread I can't help wondering if, despite what you say about your family, your DB is actually quite a nasty piece of work.

For all that you have experienced your SIL being a bit of a handful, maybe she is reacting to the way your DB treats her? You only have his word that she has said the things he reports and I would be very, very surprised if she had said those things in isolation rather than as a reaction to her circumstances.

What would anyone hope to achieve by telling someone what another person had said about them if it wasn't complimentary?

He sounds manipulative - there are problems in his marriage and he wants you to side with him and tell him he hasn't done anything wrong and it's all down to the witch he married, despite his protestations that he loves her.

Don't have it out with her. Tell your DB your don't want to hear what has allegedly been said because it is hurtful and he is upsetting you.

Hi everyone,

Thank you to everyone who reported this thread to us. Just to let you know we've edited the OP to remove "cretin", as we felt it was beyond the pale.

I am quite sure my DH's family think of themselves as a loving family, and they are in lots of ways. However, when I got together with DH I found them hyper-competitive, judgemental, and suffocating.

I agree with all the other posters who have said your DB shouldn't have repeated what his wife said to him. I would be furious if my DH repeated some of the comments I have made about his family, and similarly he has his own views on my family, which I would never repeat in a million years.

I think it would be a good idea to take a step back, from both your DB and his wife. You do sound very involved in their lives.

Wow until I actually re read again and saw the words booze hag and helping with her with her business I was just about to say hello darling SIL. This is just how my SIL would prob describe me and if she was to tear a strip off me beleive me I could hold my own with everything she had done. Including how her brother actually hates her with a passion
Two sides and all that? Can you truly say you are blameless in all this.

I also feel you are very much over-invested in your db's marriage. One other thing that leapt out at me was you complaining about sil commenting on you always being there when they go to visit your parents. I would find that tiresome too, perhaps she'd like her own relationship with your parents without you also always being present?

On the surface I get on ok with all my inlaws, but dig deeper and all the usual family resentments are present. My mil and sil both think I don't like them (it has recently come to light). This isn't the case at all but I am not interested in being friends with them. I have enough to cope with with my own large family, old friends, new friends, children, children's friends. I can't be best mates with everyone and my sil and mil come quite a long way down my list of priorities, but it is only recently that I have discovered they feel this is a problem.

Perhaps your sil is a bit like me?