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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed sil announced engagement over fb b4 telling us?

37 replies

Emj86 · 15/08/2014 08:58

Hello,

I probably am overreacting but maybe I'm just old fashioned in thinking some things should be shared personally before fb!

Basically my sil lives a ten minute drive away, im not majority close to my in laws but OH is, they were only at our house a day ago for dh's birthday.

I got a text this morning from a close friend asking if i knew sil was engaged because it was all over facebook, anyway i went on her profile and there it was, the announcement at 5pm yesterday tea time!

OH said he hasn't had a text or anything and had no idea, looking at the comments under the announcement it was clear other people did know b4 it was posted.

Maybe i am being daft but i think this is really rude, i understand she will have been excited but it's not much to send your brother a text first surely?

I made sure i told all of our close friends and family about our engagement and pregnancy long before posting on a social network.

Anyway what do you think?

OP posts:
however · 15/08/2014 09:00

Wouldn't worry me.

I think parents should know first, though.

Bunbaker · 15/08/2014 09:01

I wouldn't have done this, but most of my family are not on Facebook so it would seem pretty pointless.

Your SIL is assuming that everyone she knows lives their lives through social networking, so perhaps you could play her at her own game and not say anything at all until she mentions it, and then feign surprise when she does.

zzzzz · 15/08/2014 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ALittleFaith · 15/08/2014 09:04

My SIL did this. Rang her sister, said she was ringing us next but two hours later she put it on FB and let us know later. DH was pretty hurt.

fanjobiscuits · 15/08/2014 09:05

Wouldn't bother me. Their engagement their choice.

DownByTheRiverside · 15/08/2014 09:05

It's her news to tell, and up to her and her partner how they do it. Hmm
Perhaps she's closer to her friends than her family?
Like zzzzz said, can't you just be happy for her instead of being affronted?

ApocalypseThen · 15/08/2014 09:07

I'm shocked and appalled. They should have had his permission rather than going behind his back like that.

I think you should forbid the wedding.

Original poster
Emj86 · 15/08/2014 09:10

I never said i wasn't happy for her, if it was just me that wasn't personally told i wouldn't be so bothered but to not tell your brother is abit off in my opinion, he is pretty hurt by it.

Like pp said pretending we haven't seen the post is probably a good idea!

OP posts:
Original poster
Emj86 · 15/08/2014 09:14

Like i said i must be old fashioned based on some of the responses here, and just to add oh is close to his family they are all close knit, obviously he was wasn't expecting to be asked for permission pp!

OP posts:
londonrach · 15/08/2014 09:18

Yes to telling parents but their choice re the rest.

DownByTheRiverside · 15/08/2014 09:21

It's not really to do with being old-fashioned, I'm in my 50s and fairly antiquated about social media. I still write thank you letters!
It's about accepting that other people make different choices, and it's usually not intentionally rude. It's their choice to announce things how they want to.
Your partner could tell her he was pissed off to find out along with everyone else, if he is bothered.

Joysmum · 15/08/2014 09:24

Of course it's their choice how they announce, I don't think that's the issue.

The issue here is when you think you are closer to people than they think you are as they don't believe you should be treated any different than the masses.

I'd also be willing to bet that the happy couple would expect more in terms of input to the wedding/gifts than the masses give and you'd be seen as tight if you didn't. or I might just be getting very cynical in my older years

ChelsyHandy · 15/08/2014 09:27

Yes, you are old fashioned. Also be aware that many people are at least as invested in their friends as their family and don't give priority. What does it matter in what order you were told? As long as you were made aware reasonably soon? Surely the most important thing is the message, not some formal methodology of telling it?

Original poster
Emj86 · 15/08/2014 09:38

Joysmum you have got it spot on! Chelsyhandy my point is we were not told, it was posted on fb, if a friend hadn't text me we still probably wouldn't know.

Yes it is their news and i fully appreciate it's up to them how they share it, oh does alot for his sister and he is the first one she calls when she 'wants' something, so maybe a text last night or this morning would have been nice?

As i said, other friends and family already knew so it wasn't like everyone was finding out at the same time.

I came here for opinions and abit of a rant ??i would never say this to them and certainly wouldn't not be happy for them!

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 15/08/2014 09:42

when I got engaged I didn't specifically seek out my sister and tell her first ...yabu

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/08/2014 09:49

I think a text would be worse than FB

Many women are closer to their friends than their siblings so maybe she wanted to do a blanket announcement to cover everyone.

grumblepuss · 15/08/2014 09:50

How long have they been together?
If its quite some time (five years or more) and they're living together, have a child etc I don't think it matters.
If I got engaged I'd prob mention it in passing to my parents rather than a grand announcement... We've been together 10years, people assume we'll get married at some point, so by default we're already engaged.

zzzzz · 15/08/2014 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Emj86 · 15/08/2014 09:58

They have been together for 11 months.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 15/08/2014 09:58

I think people use FB differently, some people look down on it and think they're above it mainly on MN I have found others share a lot on it and use it as their main avenue of social interaction. I'm quite isolated with my dc, live far away from family and friends etc, it's a life line for me. I wouldn't share news like that myself but I certainly don't judge or look down on those who do.

pictish · 15/08/2014 09:59

Yabu - you clearly hold stock by family first, but that isn't true of everyone.
It's an engagement...nice for them, no biggy to anyone else.

I think they'll be surprised to find you feel this way.

Bogeyface · 15/08/2014 09:59

I think it is a bit off tbh. It wouldnt have killed her to ring him would it? I always thought there was a hierarchy to these things, you discuss it over and under and upside down with your best friend and then tell your mum and dad, pretending that they are the first! Then you tell grandparents and siblings, then everyone else (so presumably on FB in this instance).

I was the last to hear when my sister got engaged, and that did hurt because I thought I would be top of her list as she was mine when I had got engaged. It makes you question if someone feels about you as you do about them, its not nice.

kentishgirl · 15/08/2014 10:02

yabu, but I'm sorry that your DH feels hurt.

I think parents should be told but other than that, I don't think it's really big news these days. There's a thread on here at the moment about engagements not really being all that important any more. It's not like in the past when it was a massive deal: young couple, both still living at parents, announcing they are going to be setting up adult life together, married, new home, getting everything for that home, having children (probably). And the wedding would be happening soon. It was a real right of passage into adulthood.

These days they've probably been living independently for years, probably live together, probably been together years, may have kids already, may not actually be getting married for years, etc etc ...it's not that big transition in their lives any more.

Honestly if one of my relatives rang me just to let me know they got engaged, I'd be Confused - why are they making such a big deal out of it?

I think parents still need to be told directly, but otherwise? Not really. It must depend on the family I suppose. I'd go out of my way to tell a couple of friends rather than my relatives. And we are a normal family, I love them, but we don't share every moment of our lives.

zzzzz · 15/08/2014 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 15/08/2014 10:04

Kentish I agree with you.