AIBU to expect more from DS

[Stripeeepyjamas]

DH - main breadwinner, covers mortgage, bills and all household expenses inc everything for DS. Works full time plus sideline business for extra income. Out of the house usually 7am - 8pm. Doesn't do anything domestic but works hard in other areas so we can all have a good lifestyle.

Me - work 2 days a week term time, don't contribute financially to family. I run the house, all domestic, childcare and support DH with business e.g. Managing accounts, admin.

This is a set up we are both mostly happy with, utilising the best of both of our skills. He enjoys/is good at making money. I am good at running the household, I love being at home with DS but also enjoy my bit of independence at work.

I don't expect DH to help around the house. He does cook occasionally which is good. He is happy to eat out or get takeaway if I'm not up to it. He doesn't complain If the house is a mess, however he would moan if he didn't have any ironed shirts for work. Anyhow, my main issue is his lack of help with DS 18mths.

He has wanted to be a dad for so long that I was expecting him to be a bit more hands on. In short, he has fed DS about 5 times, bathed him 3 times (had to be nagged), changed nappy about 10 times. He will play with him for a bit and watch TV together, wants me to take over if DS cries. The other day he accused my of dumping DS on him, whilst I was cooking! Max time ever alone with DS is about 3 hours. Every time I go out (prob about 10 times in total), he has got his parents to come over. They take over with the entertaining, cooking, cleaning up, bathing etc whilst he relaxes and watches TV. If I'm not around they will even have to make their own tea! They are great and also mind DS for me when I'm at work and they have a great relationship with him. However sometimes I feel like I'm married to them, FIL even cuts the grass! I would love for DH to have DS for himself just for 24hrs to experience what it is like but I know Inlaws will be right over to support him. He works 5 days, pub Friday, playing sports on a Saturday, Sunday is family day, with him mainly relaxing watching TV or we will go out.

I worry DH is missing out on some of the best bits of child rearing, e.g. Bathing, bedtime story etc and maybe one day he will regret it. I wish he would be more enthusiastic in this department and be up for the challenge of looking after his own child! However I don't feel like I should have to force this on him. I think he views childcare as my job but I very much view it as a joint role. I feel like I am constantly working whether it is work, house or DS, however DH works but then can usually have evenings and weekends to relax. He wants another child but I am wondering how it will work if he can't even look after one.

So AIBU to expect more from him? I do really value him and his contribution but also feel slightly envious of the majority of women that tell me about their partners doing the weekend night feeds! On the other hand I think I am very fortunate and shouldn't complain, We have a good lifestyle and I have the option whether or not to work which I know many other women don't. I feel bad for even complaining.

Also I have asked him not to get his parents around when I'm not there. I feel bad, it's not because I don't like them! AIBU or should I just let them get on with what works best for them?

Sorry for long post.

He is missing out. Have you pointed this out to him?

Your balance seemed to work until you had a child so now you need to recalibrate. The problem with your DH never stepping up to look after your DS is that he won't appreciate that it is work and hence you need a rest too. You're working out of the home, running the house, working in his business and looking after your DC. That's a lot!

If he's generally reasonable then point out to him that you should both have the same amount of leisure time. It sounds as though he has evenings and weekends off but you don't. How would he react if you said you wanted to go out on Saturday since he goes to the pub on Friday?

You need to be a bit more assertive about it and tell him you can't have another DC until this is resolved. Another DC would increase your workload and your DH hasn't shown that he can step up as a father yet. He seems to think DS is your responsibility and until he sees that DCs are the responsibility of both of you then you can't seriously consider having another DC with him. For goodness sake, he accused you of dumping your DS on him because you were cooking! He is BVVU.

He needs to chat to other hands-on Dads and realise what he's missing, I think he's not confident to have your son on his own, maybe he needs to be shown how to have fun with him.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Parenthood should be a joint effort and it saddens me when a man thinks it is a job for the wife/gf. Me and my wife both work full time and we both look forward to spending time with our DS when home. My father spent little time with me growing up and I know who I am now closer to (I still love my Dad but not as close as my mum). I don't have any real advice but didn't want to read and run. Don't feel bad for complaining. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job.

Fab fudge - oh yes I have told him this. It annoys me so much when I have to nag him to do something for DS. I think his biggest fear is that if he starts doing more then I will keep asking more, which is probably true. However i don't feel what I asking of him is a chore so there should be no need to worry. If I had to work full time I know I would be rushing home for the bedtime routine!

Hi sue - yes a recalibration is in order. I could go out every Saturday but I know what will happen, his parents will be over and DS will be up all night! They already look after him for me 2 days, they love it, they wouldn't feel this but I would feel like we were taking advantage.

My fear regarding another child is that it will be either be DS or new baby that will suffer. I need to have a serious chat with him, He needs to up his game to increase my confidence. I need to know he will do it with support from parents.

You do need to have a serious chat because it might be that he has no confidence, or it might be that he doesn't have enough hands-on dads in his peer group or it might be that he just hasn't noticed how unbalanced his approach to parenting is . . . but it might also be that he does think being a parent is your job, and he doesn't feel he's missing out. The unpalatable truth is that some dads are like that.

If that is the case then you need to listen carefully to what he says, watch carefully what he does and plan carefully whether you want to add any further to your family if the burden is going to fall on you.

Blanklook - maybe, however deep down I feel it is more of an issue of laziness than confidence. He does have fun with DS and he is very good with DS with playing reading etc and can after a bit of time get him to sleep when he has had to. But if he could get by with not having to do it then he would be perfectly happy for others to do it for him!

Bit of an alternative view point here, but are you sure he is 'missing out' by not doing the nappies and the wiping up of dinner mess? Or do you just want him to appreciate how hard it is for you?? I know that people seem to expect men to share the business end of childcare these days, but I know that my Dad back in the 70's never changed a single nappy and I am very close to him now.

As long as you get a break when you need it, does it really matter if his folks help him out when you aren't there? Can you go out and do something for yourself on weekday evenings once DS is in bed so you don't feel so workworkwork?

What I have noticed with my own DH is that as the children get older he spends a lot more quality time with them doing things that interest them all. They think the world of him, and I honestly can't see that this bond would be any greater if he had cooked more teas and wiped more bums in the early days.

Hi batman, thanks for the post. FIL has told us on many occasions that he wasn't really around for the first 8 years of DS life, he was busy working or in the pub, he says he left it all to MIL. He is great with his grandson and spends a lot of time with him, he very much regretful of missing out on those early years with DH. I wish DH would learn from this. I think DH is looking forward to when he is a bit older and take him out playing sports. He is getting better now DS is a bit older but I feel he could do more.

Why not increase your work days and enjoy the independent time and income. If dh is working 13. Hour days I'd cut hun some slack

Him, not hun, obv

Sue, yes I think it is a mixture of all that you have said. He is a big more confident now that DS is a bit older. I don't think he is so confident with babies.

Last Saturday he was supposed to go to a stag do and me to a birthday meal with friends 50 miles away. I was going to stay at my parents and they were looking forward to having DS. So DH drops out of stag event and I tell parents DS will stay at home now. Mainly because DH doesn't like DS being away at the weekend as this is the only time he get to spend with him. So pop to supermarket in morning and leave DS and DH for quality time, come back to find DH and FIL packing car for golf, MIL taking DS out for the day. Won't be back until 6pm after I have left. Got slightly annoyed and ended up taking DS with me to stay with my parents. He wants the quality time but buggers off to golf all day! Pah!

DH doesn't like DS being away at the weekend as this is the only time he get to spend with him
Did he say this and then go out to golf with his ddad?

Or did he say this at a different time in relation to another event? It just seems odd for him to say he wanted to spend time with him and then arrange to do something else.

Hi msmarple. A bit of both really. Some things I think he misses out on like the bedtime routine, even just at the weekend. Bath, story, cuddles etc. the time goes so quick as you know. Nappy changes, no. But then I don't nag him to do this really I've just got on with it.

Then I do also want him to know what it is like so he can be a bit more empathetic. That's another story. Also I don't usually ask for help but when I do it's not nice to be refused. I think look I can clean this kitchen in 30mins whilst you bathe and dress DS. Then I will take over and get him to sleep then we can both relax and watch some TV. No, babies now finally asleep but I have a date with the washing up!

Coolas, yes this is a good idea. Only thing is when all the other dads meet up on a Saturday he is out playing golf!

50bales, I could but I do really want to be with DS, part time suits us at the mo. I will try to cut him some slack!

Sue - no not on the same day, that really would have been cheeky. But whenever we have left at the weekend, even just for the day he has said it's not nice there is nobody to come home to after golf and has a moan. But he didn't tell me he had arranged golf and childcare, and I was talking to him as though he would be spending the day with DS. I think they were all trying to get out of the house before I got back!

I wonder if you could just go out spontaneously for a short amount of time on Sunday when it's just the three of you, so that he doesn't have time to contact his parents, and can't complain of anything. So, for example a 30 min walk/run/ bike, pop to the shops etc

Strip I thought that might be the case! He said it when it was about curtailing your behaviour (we were going out , he doesn't like if there is no-one to come home now ). He didn't mean it should curb his behaviour.

He seems to be slipping into a relationship where he thinks it's OK to have one standard or rule for him, and another for you. It may be accidental or it may be some deep-seated attitude towards mums/dads/DCs. It's good that you're alert to it because it will help you address it.

I am sad for you that when you ask for help he just refuses. I've been there and it's not an easy place to live.

why don't you ask FIL to have a word with DH about his own experiences of fatherhood, sounds like DH could learn a thing or two from him! And perhaps, in the same spirit, you could arrange to go out but also ask PILs not to come over, just to get DH to do something. Though it's a real pity you have to manufacture such a situation.

Or, you could tell DH that his son will grow apart from him and at the point your DH decides to get involved, he may well be a stranger to his son. As him outright if that's what he wants.

Oh, and don't have any more DC with him until this is sorted.

hold on, I've just read your posts a bit more closely, are you saying that he wants you/DS to be there when he gets back? That is very controlling of him, I wouldn't stand for that for a second. If he's going to piss off playing golf instead of spending time with his son, he can't then tell you when to be back. Or he can and you can tell him to fuck off with that suggestion.

I wouldn't be happy with this set up either, it doesn't sound like there's much family time here mainly a Sunday which is a shame. Does he have to play sport every Saturday? it doesn't seem like he's putting enough effort in or change anything now you are parents.
Just because he's the main breadwinner doesn't mean you should be happy playing single mum! Yanbu