AIBU to expect more from DS

[Stripeeepyjamas]

DH - main breadwinner, covers mortgage, bills and all household expenses inc everything for DS. Works full time plus sideline business for extra income. Out of the house usually 7am - 8pm. Doesn't do anything domestic but works hard in other areas so we can all have a good lifestyle.

Me - work 2 days a week term time, don't contribute financially to family. I run the house, all domestic, childcare and support DH with business e.g. Managing accounts, admin.

This is a set up we are both mostly happy with, utilising the best of both of our skills. He enjoys/is good at making money. I am good at running the household, I love being at home with DS but also enjoy my bit of independence at work.

I don't expect DH to help around the house. He does cook occasionally which is good. He is happy to eat out or get takeaway if I'm not up to it. He doesn't complain If the house is a mess, however he would moan if he didn't have any ironed shirts for work. Anyhow, my main issue is his lack of help with DS 18mths.

He has wanted to be a dad for so long that I was expecting him to be a bit more hands on. In short, he has fed DS about 5 times, bathed him 3 times (had to be nagged), changed nappy about 10 times. He will play with him for a bit and watch TV together, wants me to take over if DS cries. The other day he accused my of dumping DS on him, whilst I was cooking! Max time ever alone with DS is about 3 hours. Every time I go out (prob about 10 times in total), he has got his parents to come over. They take over with the entertaining, cooking, cleaning up, bathing etc whilst he relaxes and watches TV. If I'm not around they will even have to make their own tea! They are great and also mind DS for me when I'm at work and they have a great relationship with him. However sometimes I feel like I'm married to them, FIL even cuts the grass! I would love for DH to have DS for himself just for 24hrs to experience what it is like but I know Inlaws will be right over to support him. He works 5 days, pub Friday, playing sports on a Saturday, Sunday is family day, with him mainly relaxing watching TV or we will go out.

I worry DH is missing out on some of the best bits of child rearing, e.g. Bathing, bedtime story etc and maybe one day he will regret it. I wish he would be more enthusiastic in this department and be up for the challenge of looking after his own child! However I don't feel like I should have to force this on him. I think he views childcare as my job but I very much view it as a joint role. I feel like I am constantly working whether it is work, house or DS, however DH works but then can usually have evenings and weekends to relax. He wants another child but I am wondering how it will work if he can't even look after one.

So AIBU to expect more from him? I do really value him and his contribution but also feel slightly envious of the majority of women that tell me about their partners doing the weekend night feeds! On the other hand I think I am very fortunate and shouldn't complain, We have a good lifestyle and I have the option whether or not to work which I know many other women don't. I feel bad for even complaining.

Also I have asked him not to get his parents around when I'm not there. I feel bad, it's not because I don't like them! AIBU or should I just let them get on with what works best for them?

Sorry for long post.

So let me get this straight. He gets Friday nights in the pub, Saturdays to play golf and you get no time off whatsoever and he also expects you to be there waiting for him when he gets home?

My love, your situation is grossly unfair. Whatever the work/domestic set-up, each partner should get an equal amount of down-time, but at the moment he is getting all of it and you get none. No wonder he's quite happy to have another child - the current one is costing him nothing in terms of time and effort.

You need to have a very serious chat with him - he is absolutely taking the piss, has no respect for you beyond his maid and childcare provider and needs a serious wake-up call. Your life has changed beyond measure since the arrival of your DS while his has just carried on completely unaffected. Please show yourself the respect you deserve and demand more respect from him. He is a parent too and it's way beyond time he started behaving like one.

i dont see why its an issue he has his parents over to be with their GC - they seem to be OK with it, your DH is ok with it... its kind of your issue. Im would be 100% sure your MIL/FIL don't feel like they think they are being taken a loan of nor will they think your taking the piss.

My DH is a little bit the same in that he likes his parents to spend loads of time with our DD so if I go out he goes down to theirs or they come to ours - his parents love our DD to bits and she adores them - they have a fantastic relationship together. The reason he does it is its his time, who am I to tell him how to spend his time?, and he thinks because they are getting on they have limited time left so whilst they are mobile and able they can enjoy her. It doesn't bother me at all he does this and I can kind of see his point.

is your DH really missing out by not doing these things? it depends how you look at it really... I don't believe he is missing out because of it and I don't believe his relationship with his DS will suffer because of it - your DS is young enough that there is more than enough time for him to . it sounds like you think he is missing out but that's only your opinion.

as you say hes good at making money giving you and your family a comfortable life so if he was to do more he might not make so much money and you would need to change your lifestyle - would you be happy with that?

Hi Peggy, yes I think that is the case, he is very close to both parents and he wants them to spend as much time with DS as poss. He is their only child so only GC at the mo also. I don't think I would mind so much if he was a bit more hands on when they are not around, but he isn't. I think for peace of mind I would like to know that he could cope on his own. I don't often ask for help, it is only when I am really tired, but it's not nice to be refused all the same.

We are going away on holiday in a few weeks. Last time his parents came which is fine. This time I said no, we need to spend some time just the 3 of us. I think I will take advantage and leave him with DS for the day. How funny would it be if got back and Inlaws turned up! Getting suspicious now, he's booking somewhere with golf, surely he won't be playing alone!

Rivertam I agree. I don't let it stop me from being away on a Saturday but I do feel a bit guilty.

Freya, most Saturdays he is out. You know he only took up golf when DS was born. Suspicious hey! I have spoken to him about it, he said he would take DS out on his own park/swimming every Sunday, that was a year ago, it has happened twice. We usually end up going out as a family with me doing most of the work.

He took DS for a term of swimming that he has thrown back in my face. But DH, all the other dads do this on their own, you ask me to come along a do all the changing etc and help out!

I am a probably a bit too soft, but it not something I feel I want to argue about, spending alone time with DS, I don't understand the lack of enthusiasm, so I just carry on as usual.

Hi Annie, I feel like a bit of a maid and nanny sometimes! The problem is is that his mum is always so willing to help out with everything so I do get a break if I need it, also my parents help but they are a bit far away so impractical. I refer to MIL as my husband sometimes. Also if I compare him to other dads I think he feels he is overcompensating on the financial side, presents etc and makes me feel a bit ungrateful, but he knows from beginning of relationship that material things are not important to me. He knows that I have other options for help so doesn't see the issue, not matter how much I explain that I would prefer the help from my DH.

You are not asking for help you are wanting him to actually parent his child! Do not have another child with him unless you're prepared to carry on doing all the parenting. He gets his parents involved because he can't be bothered to parent. I bet mil does all the actual work while your DH and fil get to do the fun stuff.

Its not only your DH who is missing out you and your DS are too on having a second involved parent.

I also spoke to MIL about it last weekend, she was a bit offended that I didn't want to leave DS at home with them and took him with me. She told my I was overreacting and shouldn't be so hard on DH for all he does and there are plenty of worse husbands. Oh dear it got a bit heated, she didn't like to hear some home truths about her precious DS. I did say that maybe letting DH get on with it on his own for a change might help. She took this as offence and though that I didn't trust he to look after DS, she turned it onto being about herself and that she is so soft and people take advantage of her (maybe meaning me, I'm not sure), she blamed herself for offering to look after DS whilst DH played golf. The woman is consumed with guilt, she was crying, I felt bad but stuck up for myself. First time ever in 10 years we have had such heated discussion, my legs went to jelly!

So to make things worse got a call from DH asking why I upset his mum. For all she does for me, i am ungrateful, I am selfish and controlling for taking DS and I should apologise to MIL.

I told him no way am I apologising for sticking up for myself, my problem is not with her but with him, I will not back down. I hope people don't think IABU. He should be the one apologising, mainly to me for not getting my side of story first. I still haven't forgiven him, so angry.

Makes me feel that I don't ever want to accept any help from her now. Sometimes I refuse but she just does things anyway. DH says she is one of those that can't sit still, just keep her happy and let her do some ironing. Obviously I wouldn't stop her having DS, they adore each other but if she thinks we are taking advantage then I will make other childcare arrangements. I am perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

That is one thing I can't stand, when people are nice and help you out but you are penalised for sticking up for yourself, expected to keep your mouth shut for fear of upsetting anyone. However I won't take it out on MIL, I don't think she really feels this, just DH and maybe FIL.

Need to sit down with them and put things straight. Any advice?

Don't sit down with them all together. They're different issues. tbh it sounds as though your MIL just got caught in the cross-fire between you and DH. Your problem is with DH not MIL. She isn't overstepping boundaries if DH is always asking for help.

He knows that I have other options for help so doesn't see the issue, no matter how much I explain that I would prefer the help from my DH.
^ Here he is explaining who he is. He doesn't see his role as being your helper (or arguably your co-parent). He thinks as long as someone is helping you it doesn't matter that it isn't him. He also very much sees it as helping^ you. He doesn't see his role as a dad beyond being someone who provides.

You need to decide if that's good enough for you. If it isn't good enough for you then you need a frank conversation about what happens next. Does it mean you don't have any more DCs? How do you feel about limiting the size of your family because your DH won't parent with you? Would you LTB over it? Be clear about what you want to achieve before you start the conversation. Do you want him to go to a parenting class? Do you want to arrange a hobby class that he has to take DS to every week? (on his own not like the swimming class).

Don't get distracted with the MIL/FIL argument. You didn't marry them. You didn't choose to have a DC with them. Their help is a wonderful, added bonus but you wouldn't need their help if DH stepped up. It's about emotional support as well as practical support from your DH.

You are not asking for help you are wanting him to actually parent his child!

^^This sums it up perfectly.

But it's very clear he sees children as your responsibility. Or his mother. Or anyone who isn't him, basically.

I wonder how this will make your child(ren) feel as they get older - that their dad doesn't want to spend any time with them or take care of any of their needs.

YANBU, but I agree with a previous poster who said that the person who needs to talk to your DH is his dad.

You might also want to point out to your DH that, if he continues throughout his child's life feeling that taking care of his child is nothing to do with him, he will probably reap as he sows as in his old age it's very probable that his child will consequently feel no compunction to take care of his needs.

Thanks all for your advice, really appreciate it.