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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I grounded my 10 year old daughter for a month for kicking her brother in the groin

108 replies

TiffanyG · 14/08/2014 07:48

So my 10 year old daughter and 13 year old son were arguing over their favorite chair and it got pretty heated. She's slapped him and pulled his hair before, but tonight she kicked him in the groin as hard as she could. He was on the floor for quite a while and he's still pretty sore. I'm scared she could make him sterile if she did that again so I grounded her for a month. AIBU?

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 14/08/2014 09:35

I'd sit them down and any more violence either way would result in the chair going to freecycle.

I'd also tell them it will result in all electronics and wifi access going the same way.

We have no violence in our house and that's the way it needs to stay.

As you have already given her the grounding; I'd say it can switch to 'no chair' for the month instead at her choosing.

If you are play fighting with your husband OP - are they just mimicking you? Why are they so violent?

Anomaly · 14/08/2014 09:38

Gikeswithachainsaw I agree that can happen too, not in my case as I was not the youngest.

Anyway I would be looking more closely at the fighting as it could indicate othee issues and they are old enough to not get physical. If there is a favoured chair (there was in my house) agree a household rule over it.

PacificDogwood · 14/08/2014 09:39

Yes, I understand removing a privilege - I do it myself, but grounding in our house punishes me more than the groundee IYSWIM Grin.

If DS would be a smug 'winner', then maybe they could both 'loose' the chair? No chair sitting privileges to either.
Just as there are bad losers, there are bad winners: gloating etc is not on.
However, as she was the physically violent one on this occasion, I think it sound like he might 'deserve' to 'win'.

I agree dig deeper than just that one incident. Are they often at each others' throats?
Mine fight no more than I'd expect, we have a strict 'no hitting' rule and anybody breaching it, will be disciplined. Having said that DS2(10) and DS3(6) are like cat and dog and have been for year to the point where I cannot leave them in one room alone together without fur flying. Sigh.

Kids - who'd have 'em?

AuntieStella · 14/08/2014 09:39

Yes, firm punishment for hitting (in line with the sort of sanction/reward system you use at home anyhow).

But always worth keeping an ear for provocations. Older sailings can taunt/tease with words and threat of greater strength, driving the younger one to lash out. You cannot remove the imbalance of power, but you need to do what you can to prevent abuse. The obviously culpable child might not be the only one at fault.

zipzap · 14/08/2014 09:46

I think that a month is going to be too long to be grounded - but I'd make her suffer and do lots of chores to earn back the time. So that it really is a punishment that she won't want to repeat.

Separately from the grounding, I'd also make sure that for the next month your ds has pick of the chairs, tv, computer etc and that your dd misses out on things she would have liked - sitting without moaning or whining through a football match on tv would have been a big punishment for me although I know that others would enjoy it. Whatever yOU do find something that she can definitely feel the consequences of her actions.

And for all those saying it's not a serious thing to do - our local paper reported on a boy who died as a consequence of been hit in his testicles - he had a heart attack in response to the extreme pain Sad. He'd been messing around with his mates and been caught by an unlucky kick rather than somebody doing it deliberately - still had the same effect though.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 14/08/2014 09:54

How upsetting for you op.

We have. Non hit rule from day 1 in our house. I really hate this a critics that siblings fight. It's no more a acceptable to be violent to a sibling as it is to a stranger.

They are both far too old to be doing this anyway.

I would sit them both down and ask them both what they think should happen about this incident and going forward.

When that's established you need to tell them both that no violence is allowed at all for any reason between them and then work in fostering a closer bond between them with family movie night or games nights.

I have a lovely friend whose 3 children fighting cat and dog, really nasty, and she shrugs and thinks that is normal it isn't.

Trollsworth · 14/08/2014 10:01

I'd say ban her from the chair, and LET him be a smug winner, she kicked him in the balls!

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 14/08/2014 10:02

Also your play fighting might be confusing them and they think it's ok to copy.

Don't get the play fighting to be honest. That usually ends in tears too.

Nanny0gg · 14/08/2014 10:02

I don't get the stance that if you get up from a chair (even for a minute) you lose it. Makes no sense to me.

Sounds like the DD was a bit opportunistic with the added benefit of winding up her brother. Then it turned nasty. And her being tired is no excuse. Is she often spiteful to him?

She needs a sharp severe punishment, not a long drawn-out one. Maybe the victim her brother has a suggestion?

And a biology lesson.

I assume she's apologised?

Oh, and re-arrange the furniture.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 14/08/2014 10:04

No point punishing her it him for stuffier this though unless you have. Long term plan for change.

If you just punish the physical and leave them to it they just get nasty verbal.

You have to work on making siblings get on or at least respect each other's space. That's part of parenting

SoonToBeSix · 14/08/2014 10:05

Welcome to mumsnet Tiffanny. Interesting first post and obsession with your ds groin.

DownByTheRiverside · 14/08/2014 10:07

I'm with Thebody on this one, there's 4 years between mine and they are both adults now. We had a 'No violence' rule which was breeched on numerous occasions and there was always a consequence.
It was usually over something as stupid as the flashpoint in the OP's post, nicking a seat, arguing over the TV, small stuff. Often linked to tiredness, stress, hunger or the temperature.
The rule was the same for both of them,. regardless of gender. First physical contact in anger. Sometimes they were both in trouble.
The hours we've wasted on turfwars and one being a PITA to the other.
I would negotiate though, a month of grounding is a long time, I'd make it a fortnight with hard labour.
Mine did learn, but consistency and tough love was the key in our situation.

PacificDogwood · 14/08/2014 10:11

Play fighting is when everybody involved is having fun - mine can be like a whole litter of excited puppies and I love it when we have a big giggling boy pile Grin.
The very second it tips over and becomes nasty, it is no longer a play fight, but just a fight - there is a difference and it is easy to spot.

I am quite envious of all of you with a 'no hitting rule' that actually gets adhered to.
We have the rule, but the adherence needs to enforced over and over again...

DownByTheRiverside · 14/08/2014 10:13

PD, let's see if the 'No Hitting' rule is adhered to when they get older. It was easier with mine when they were smaller. Grin

Trollsworth · 14/08/2014 10:17

Soontobesix, it's not an obsession with your sons groin to punish a child who kicked him in it. Boys have groins, it's very, very strange to assume any thought about them is paedophilia, and it says much more about you than it does about the OP

PacificDogwood · 14/08/2014 10:18

Eh? Confused

HumblePieMonster · 14/08/2014 10:19

Are you joking
No. If it isn't a joke thread, its a weird one.

PacificDogwood · 14/08/2014 10:19

That was to Trollsworth

Down, my oldest is 11, youngest 4 - they seem to become less sociopathic as they leave todderhood, so I live in hope Wink

OwlCapone · 14/08/2014 10:20

she kicked him in the balls

Or did she just kick him and happen to kick him in the balls? There is a difference. DD landed an unlucky punch on her brother when she got fed up with him winding him up. She got told off and sent to her room for hitting, he earned a 2 week ban from the xbox for punching her back and then swearing at me when I told him off (she is 8, he is 15 and should know better). It was a pure accident that she caught him in the balls and she had no idea it would be any more painful than an arm.

I let him earn back XBox time via chores.

Trollsworth · 14/08/2014 10:20

It's NOT a weird thread, jeez, have you all got toddlers? My kids squabble like this all the time, and yes, they do kick out. I have no hitting rules and they are ineffective sometimes.

Trollsworth · 14/08/2014 10:21

Pacificdogwood, it was in response to another poster called 'soontobesix' who accused the OP of being obsessed with her son's groin.

OwlCapone · 14/08/2014 10:22

I think it is a very odd first thread.

OwlCapone · 14/08/2014 10:23

it's very, very strange to assume any thought about them is paedophilia, and it says much more about you than it does about the OP

Only you mentioned paedophilia.

DownByTheRiverside · 14/08/2014 10:23

We went through a phase where a loud roar of 'Mum' was the right response to being wound up to hitting point. Like calling in the UN before war breaks out.

Trollsworth · 14/08/2014 10:27

owlCapone, would you like to explain what an obsession with a child's groin is, if its not paedophilia?

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