Unreasonable favouritism

[Lexie1970]

DP is 5 years older than his brother. They are totally different in personality and achievement. DP has a family, brother has had several relationships that have failed and has no children. DP is 46 his brother 41.

Their father died last year after many years of illness but made savvy choices when buying property and their mother is now very comfortably off.

Now here is the problem. The mother has sold one property to fund a move (near us and her sister) but has substantial cash in bank. The brother has now sold his property and has put an offer on a purchase in our area however the difference between what he will make and what he requires to fund new purchase is approx £70k.

Without discussing the proposition with DP, the mother has agreed to fund the difference so brother doesn't have to take out mortgage and pay interest. The idea was vaguely mooted to DP at weekend and he said he wasn't happy with the offer as she is not treating the brothers equally.

It has now been presented as a fait accompli with other members of the immediate family saying brother needs the help, he is on his own and he is lonely.

DP feels upset and slighted because all are assuming that he/we are fine and don't need the same financial assitance but they appear to be ignoring the fact that DP has a family to support, why does his mother not seem concerned that we are paying a mortgage and we have to pay interest? We don't need the money DP Works hard for the nice house and treats we have - but why is his brother being handed the money with absolutely no discussion about how DP feels - he gas had money in the past that he should have paid back, didn't and now mother said she never expected it back - DP hasn't been given the same amount of cash...

The mother now has a monthly rental income coming in as well as various investments so helping the brother is not causing her to compromise her lifestyle.

There has been other instances where the brother has been favoured but this is the icing on the cake.... Is DP unreasonable to feel upset about this? I would always think what you do for one you should always do for the other.

Thanks for reading btw - we found out about house purchase via internet / knowing estate agent well and not a peep from his mother today.

Perhaps his Mother plans on balancing things up in her will or perhaps she will do something for your partner at a later time. You don't know how things might pan out.

Lexie, I sympathise and understand your feelings. I think the only way to look at it is that your MIL sees your DH as being fulfilled and happy, having a family, home, comfortable income, etc, and sees his brother as being unfulfilled. This financial inequity is her way of trying to make it up to him. I have to apply similar to my DM's actions - it's not always easy, though!

My mum helped my sister out a lot more than she did me as she started work. new house etc. We bought first houses at a similar time and I was perfectly happy that my sister got a lot more stuff to help her out as I earnt more than her at that point in time. I got support as well but nowhere near as much as my sister as I didn't need it. Couldn't care less.

Mum is no longer with us, estate was split 50:50 without any arguments - only minor ones over silly things like the fondue set of all things!!!

We are now at a point that we only have each other and both of us will dip into our pockets if the other needs it - long term or temporarily - no questions asked.

Being excluded from the discussions is just life - its an arrangement between two adults.

You don't need the money, he does, grow up. People should be helped according to need, why on earth should she give you 70,000 that you don't need and only want because bil received that amount. Mind your own business and stop being so greedy and jealous, yabvvvvvvu.

BIL and DH don't need the money really. They potentially would have had the same sized mortgage (70k) if BIL hadn't been helped out. BIL has less overheads or expenses being on his own. As it stands it would be unfair to give money to one and not the other.

Unless BIL has special needs and needs parental care or support despite his age, I can't see why the brothers have been treated differently.

Maybe the mum did not want to discuss it with you and DH because she foresaw an almighty row, and did not want the hassle and upset.

As someone with adult DSs , both of whom we have helped out with considerable sums of money, I know how hard it is to act so that each feels he has been treated fairly. I received some wise advice here on MN, just as you have: 1) fair does not necessarily mean equal, 2) our chidren's lifestyle choices, in my case one having children, the other living in a far more expensive area, are not relevant to their future inheritance.

I can understand why anybody in this situation would feel upset by a sibling just being given £70,000. In this situation neither the DBIL or the the OP's DH actually needs the 70K, I understand that the 70K is being given so the DBIL can be mortgage free so hardly to get him his first foot on the property ladder. I'm equally sure that the OP's DH would have liked 70K to pay off some of their mortgage but as others have suggested maybe her MIL will equal things up later on in her will.

My kids are young but when gifting huge amounts of money in this way I would make sure that all things were overall fair and equal. It may not mean that my kids will both get large sums of money at exactly the same time, but if one is given 70K I would absolutely let the other know that 70K is coming to them at some later point. I just don't think you can penalise your more successful children in this way without building resentment in the family

Well I don't think you're being unreasonable.

If mil had spoken to your DH and said I really want to help bil because of x, y and z - well your DH may well have said 'of course mum'.

My in-laws are scrupulously fair but DH has said to them they should be less fair as we don't need any help.

I just think treating children very different financially does store up trouble unless discussed openly with all concerned.

but why is his brother being handed the money with absolutely no discussion about how DP feels

If you don't need or want the money, why do you think that your DP should get a say in what his DM does with her money?

If she wanted to donate 70k to a donkey sanctuary, would you think you had the right to be consulted or be upset? It's just because she is giving it to his brother that you somehow think it has something to do with you. It really doesn't. It's not your inheritance yet

If mil had spoken to your DH and said I really want to help bil because of x, y and z -well your DH may well have said 'of course mum'.

And what if he didn't? What if he said, no that's not fair. If you are giving him 70k, you should give me 70k too.
Should she have to run all major spending past her children or just the ones that involve the other sibling?
So the sibling's finances become the knowledge of the other sibling so the case can be justified that they are deserving.

I just think that when it comes to large gifts of money within families its best to have everything out in the open.

But then both my family and DH's are reasonable and have these type of discussions.

But had the OP's DH said to his mum 'ummm that doesn't seem very fair' - well perhaps she'd have thought about it some more or said what she was planning inheritance wise.

I do understand that fair doesn't always mean equal but I do think as a parent you need to carefully explain why you are doing stuff if on the surface it seems very unfair.

Thank you for your replies - OH really wouldn't care less if she gave money to donkey sanctuary, flitted around the world on back to back cruises - we wholeheartedly agree it is her money to do exactly as she wishes - she deserves to have nice things and have a good life as whilst FIL was ill she had no respite.

Trickydecision is right the discussion would no doubt have caused one hell of a row because brother doesn't need the money, he doesn't need to move house and he doesn't need to not have a mortgage. Their mother would feel much happier to have him close by because is not very happy personally, socially or his with his work but he is 41 years old and if you can't be happy in your skin by now when will you be?

Fair doesn't appear to be equal and neither brother needs the money. MIL is obviously now hoping it will all go away quietly as she still hasn't bothered to contact DP. Another poster upthread said a frank discussion needs to be had by the 3 parties directly affected - DP,his mother and brother - the longer there is silence from his mother the worse the sense of being excluded will be :(

How old is your MIL, Lexie? It does raher sound as if she is avoiding the discsussion turning into, as you put it, one hell of a row even now.

Maybe if she is getting on a bit, she is keen to have him close by, not so much because of his personal and social problems but because she anticipates seeing a lot of him and thinks that will give her pleasure. If that is the case then I can understand why she is prepared to sub him to the level you mention.

She is early 70's - fit and healthy at the moment. She repeatedly says she wants him to find a nice girlfriend settle down etc. So what happens if he does I wonder.... i hope she does call tomorrow otherwise where will this situation go. She does need to speak with DP because it will all leave a very nasty radtt in the mouth...

I do sympathise with you, Lexie, but as a mum in her very early 70s I can also understand your MIL's frame of mind. Fortunately I have a DH, but were I on my own I would probably be thrilled that my DS was planning to move near me, especially if in my head he was still "my baby" despite being in his forties. I would probably happily subsidise the move - and would then have to deal with the fall out from the other DS.

I can't really sugggest anything helpful to say other than that you should probably try to let your DH deal with any discussions with his mum, your own close involvement will only be resented.