Unreasonable favouritism

[Lexie1970]

DP is 5 years older than his brother. They are totally different in personality and achievement. DP has a family, brother has had several relationships that have failed and has no children. DP is 46 his brother 41.

Their father died last year after many years of illness but made savvy choices when buying property and their mother is now very comfortably off.

Now here is the problem. The mother has sold one property to fund a move (near us and her sister) but has substantial cash in bank. The brother has now sold his property and has put an offer on a purchase in our area however the difference between what he will make and what he requires to fund new purchase is approx £70k.

Without discussing the proposition with DP, the mother has agreed to fund the difference so brother doesn't have to take out mortgage and pay interest. The idea was vaguely mooted to DP at weekend and he said he wasn't happy with the offer as she is not treating the brothers equally.

It has now been presented as a fait accompli with other members of the immediate family saying brother needs the help, he is on his own and he is lonely.

DP feels upset and slighted because all are assuming that he/we are fine and don't need the same financial assitance but they appear to be ignoring the fact that DP has a family to support, why does his mother not seem concerned that we are paying a mortgage and we have to pay interest? We don't need the money DP Works hard for the nice house and treats we have - but why is his brother being handed the money with absolutely no discussion about how DP feels - he gas had money in the past that he should have paid back, didn't and now mother said she never expected it back - DP hasn't been given the same amount of cash...

The mother now has a monthly rental income coming in as well as various investments so helping the brother is not causing her to compromise her lifestyle.

There has been other instances where the brother has been favoured but this is the icing on the cake.... Is DP unreasonable to feel upset about this? I would always think what you do for one you should always do for the other.

Thanks for reading btw - we found out about house purchase via internet / knowing estate agent well and not a peep from his mother today.

My PiL have given DH's sister a house and given us nothing except for the occasional help with childcare. They still love DH equally no doubt, but SiL has a closer relationship and lives nearer and will probably look after them when they're old. We've worked for everything we have and like not owing them anything. If they leave us something, that'd be nice, but we don't expect it. Fairness doesn't necessarily mean treating people exactly the same. Even my parents who share your view that DC should get the same have had to modify this as my brother has needed more help in life than me. I haven't had it easy, but like you I have a home and family and I thank my lucky stars, which is better I think that totting up what I'm theoretically missing out on.

It seems to me your MiL is spending her money to get what she wants, which is her family around her. Get your dh to try view it in this light - the money is not being used to help your BiL so much as to please his dm.

Dh is probably what you call more successful than his brother or sister, we bought our first house early and have two good incomes. Mil often bails dsil out and sometimes dbil. With rail probably a couple of hundred a month, via fifty here, fifty there etc. The only thing I find slightly irritating about it is that dsil has an attitude of entitlement and expectation about it and makes no attempt to live within her means. However, I would fin it utterly bizarre if dmil started shoving cash at us every week, just to make it equal. We don't need it and have no business interfering in what she gives to dsil.

I absolutely understand how you feel about this one. My DH has two sisters. All three families are equally comfortable, have two children in each family. Unfortunately there is a huge amount of bad feeling about PIL's money and how they help out. PILs are really lovely people but have been extremely secretive about how they have helped out their children financially which has caused massive paranoia with one of the sisters. My DH has never received a penny, which is fine, as we've never asked or needed any help. Eldest sister is absolutely convinced that we have been given a huge some of money and will not talk to us. The truth is that PILs have, over the years given over £200,000 to other sister as she is terrible with money, sends both children to public school and has soaked up all their savings. DH discovered this quite recently as PILs now realise they have no money for their old age, live off pensions and now that the cash has all gone have little contact with other sister and her family. DH has never said anything negative to PILs about their actions and has not shared this info with his elder sister as it is not his business. Is been a sad business, PILs have a fractured family full of secrets and we are the only part of the family who still see them regularly. We are determined that any financial help we give to our own two sons, when they grow up will be equal and transparent.

I think regardless of whether it's right or wrong, fair or unfair it's happened and there is nowt you can do about it. Personally I think the right thing to do in these circumstances is keep working hard and affording your life independently and rise above it.

My Mother and Father help my sister out financially far more than me as currently her family need the help. My partner has a health condition that could deteriorate in the future and put him in a wheelchair so I do sometimes worry that we have been pigeon holed as the daughter that's 'ok' and in the future we might be in dire straits. BUT that still isn't my parents responsibility and we will have to do the best we can if that situation arises.

So I get it and your partner has the right to feel pissed off but he also has to get over it and not let it eat away at him.

I think what is done for one should be done for the other.

Yes some people think that.

Some people think you should give to people according to their need at the time.

My MIL has made no secret of the fact that she will be leaving her money to the 2 (of 6) children who have a lot less than the others.

People often say "its her money she can spend it how she likes" but very very often people don't mean it!

the one who is not being treated equally should be the bigger person and let it go well yes - whats the alternative? Big hissy fit and stamping your foot like a child? Passive aggressive "Oh it would be so nice to be without a mortgage"?

At best (and I'd consider this very carefully before doing it) - say to your MIL in a quiet moment "DP is hurt that you are prepared for us to have to pay for a mortgage but have given BIL the money so he doesn;t have to have one"

But maybe he isn;t able to get a mortgage so what then - leave him to it? OR maybe she doesn;t have enough to comfortably give your DH the same amount?

I'd be very upset too; not about the actual money, but because of the perceived favouritism.
Definitely treat kids equally in my book. If I felt one of my kids needed more help then I would discuss it with the others and I hope they would be compassionate enough for us to reach an agreement. I definitely wouldn't just go and give money to one and not the others.

I actually don't think you are unreasonable. Children should not be treated differently unless one cannot support themselves through illness or other unavoidable circumstance, IMO.

And it may be MIL's money, but she did not earn it. She received it through sheer good fortune.

In our family it's the 2 who are actually best off, but who are the most pushy/assertive/clever, that got most from our parents (took most as my mum had early dementia).
DH says its pareentss choice....(obviously I feel pissed off by it)

Similar here, oslomum. My cousin was bought a farmhouse, I was given nowt: all because GP disapproved of who my father married all those years ago (a mixed race woman, gasp!)

No probably not unbiased (looks round at tiny studio flat).

If you are v comfortably off as it seems from some of your posts then I can't see what the issue is. Surely parents help out whichever child needs their help? You don't need the money but bil does so she helps him. If your dh lost his job tomorrow or you suddenly needed money no doubt he would ask his mum and she would help him. it seems ridiculous to be sulking about not getting money you don't need. It does also seem like there is a rather superior attitude towards bil as he has had 'failed relationships'. This is irrelevant and really nothing to do with you at all.

And it may be MIL's money, but she did not earn it. She received it through sheer good fortune.

Umm, what?! It was her joint money with her husband. I'm willing to bet she 'earned' it, one way or the other.

You know that is not what I meant, Tiggy.

Of course it was/is her money too: not disputing that. I just have a vaguely karmic notion that having married a man who brought her great comfort (which she may or may not have 'earned'; my grandmother literally did not lift a finger in the home, ever) she may want to share that evenly with all her children, rather than pick and choose.

No obligation on her, of course. But to me, that would be the ideal situation.

Absolutely YABU.

My Mil paid for my DH to go to university, she did not feel the need to reciprocate the other son

Bil was given 2 cars (crashed one), DH didn't mind - he didnt want one.

They bought BIL white goods when he moved in with his gf. A few years larer he was living at home so they bought BIL a flat simply so he would move out! He'd never be able to buy down south on his own.

In contrast, DH is more capable. When we set up home they loaned us money for home repairs - we pay them back at £250 a month and we are remortgaging to lump sum them the rest if the loan.

Would it be nice if we were given 2 cars and a flat? Yes. Do we need them? No.

Would I rather be happy and capable of paying my own way or being a bit weird and needing my parents to get me comfortably through life... Yes.

DH and I are the lucky ones, not BIL.

By contrast, my Dad remarried and he and his wife treat all their children EXACTLY THE SAME. It actually drives me doollally. We are not the same and our lives are not the same we dont need the same.

I should say other son didn't go to university that's why he wasn't given an equivalent.

I doubt there are many with more than one child that treat the children to exactly the same all the time. Nobody seems to care when they are little and say it all evens out yet for adults it suddenly has to be penny for penny.

You have two incomes and the possibility to work more hours but choose not to therefore don't need assistance in life.

Perhaps MIL wants her son close by, perhaps she's named on the the deeds. You don't know and it's none of your business what she spends her money on. Would you like it if she started to tell you how to spend your wages?

If your husband is upset, then he should be talking to his mum but it comes across as jealousy.

It's not something I would do if I had more than one child but we don't know the full circumstances. The number of adults who seem to expect parental help with cash flow or purchases is quite astounding as it expecting an inheritance. Whatever happened to just wanting your parents to enjoy their life rather than watching their spending should it mean they are not handing it over to you.

I see absolutely no reason to say that your BIL has had 'several failed relationships' or no children. Why on earth does that matter!? You lost me after that I'm afraid.

There could be many reson why your MIL has done this. My DSis has children, I don't. My parents have helped us out in different ways over the years. Me probably more financially as I have poor health but they have helped my DSis out with childcare and nursery fees over the years.

Neither of us would begrudge the other.

It is all swings and round abouts.

It is not your money. It's your MIL to do with what she wants.

Neither your DP or your BIL are entitled to it.

It is absolutely nothing to do with you or your DP. It is not favouritism, it is supporting according to need.
I would never expect my parents to discuss with me, any support they offered to my siblings, and i know they have helped them out over the years.
It is their money, and their choice.

You only want the money because his brother has been given it.

I still feel that the majority are missing the point, we don't need the money, don't want the money but it is the way it has been done.

The brother is selling his property and mother is funding the difference to purchase new house
as I said up post his relationship status was purely to indicate life style difference I.e. he only has to support himself, no partner, no children etc not to gain moral high ground

And again finances have been discussed as DP has been through accounts etc after death if father.

Having mentioned to a couple if friends in RL what is currently going on happens a lot in families where favouritism is perceived. And what DP is feeling is not unusual but it is a case of what can you do?

Will it cause a huge rift - only if we let it, will it bother DP - in all honesty yes simply because others were included in the discussion and he wasn't :(

will it bother DP - in all honesty yes simply because others were included in the discussion and he wasn't

Yes, that aspect of it is pretty shite.