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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have taken DDs friend to get the MAP?

53 replies

shaylla · 13/08/2014 15:56

Name changed for this.

The friend, lets call her Louise, is 16, and her mother has no knowledge of the fact that her daughter is sexually active. She cant talk to her own DM.

I feel bad for Louise's DM. I would be heart broken if one of my DCs felt they couldn't come to me. However i cant tell the DM. I hardly know her and Louise wouldn't want that. AIBU?

OP posts:
ValerieTheVodkaFairy · 13/08/2014 17:16

You did the right thing. She is 16, therefore she is at the age of consent, so who she asks for help for is totally up to her. I think it would be a bit more complicated if she was underage.

It's a pity she can't talk to her mum about it, but I'm not surprised. Many loving, fair, and supportive parents would be shocked if they realised that their child didn't feel comfortable approaching them about this sort of thing

WeAllHaveWings · 13/08/2014 17:24

I did it for dn when at 16 she got jiggy with the young plumber who came to fix her mums washing machine (swear that girl lives in a TV soap). Also a good opportunity for a wee chat.

I would do it for any young girl, above the age of consent, in need of a wee bit of support.

SquattingNeville · 13/08/2014 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheeseToastie123 · 13/08/2014 17:32

NBU, and good on you for your kindness.

Original poster
shaylla · 13/08/2014 18:24

Thank you for the replies. I'm glad most of you feel i did the right thing. I'm not looking for praise, i just feel a little wobbly about it.

The girl couldn't get the MAP on her own because of where we live. I had to drive her. DD went in with her, i did not.

Her DM is very strict. Louise is a very high achiever at school and has been kept on a very 'short leash' until recently. It's tricky, i have advised her she should go on the pill; it's free, etc. but that the pill offers no protection from STDs. I have also told DD to mention to her about getting STD tested at some point soon. This is not the first time she has had unprotected sex.

Her home life looks good outwardly, plenty of money etc, but is disfunctional.

OP posts:
frames · 13/08/2014 18:29

Yes just want to add you did the right thing.

VanitasVanitatum · 13/08/2014 18:33

I think you absolutely did the right thing.

I would report your last post as it uses a name though, unless it's an alias!

Echocave · 13/08/2014 18:34

Blimey OP you are in a tricky position there. I don't think I'd have the guts to do that but I'm sure it's the right thing. On one hand it feels like overstepping, on the other, she needs help. If her mum finds out, you might get it in the neck though (not your fault though).

Original poster
shaylla · 13/08/2014 18:39

It does feel like overstepping :(

vanitas it is an alias. Don't worry.

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 13/08/2014 18:43

I don't agree that it's over stepping. If she wouldn't talk to her mum she may not have got help at all, and you have no right to tell her mum so there really wasn't another option for you to help her, you may have helped her to avoid an unwanted pregnancy.

windowtree · 13/08/2014 18:43

Not against MAP at all but I'm sorry I think YABU - what if the girl had underlying medical condition that could be affected by this? I don't know how thorough chemists would check this out - apologies if it is thoroughly looked at. As a mum to DD (16) I would be very, very annoyed at you but I guess there are different circumstances in this case.

VanitasVanitatum · 13/08/2014 18:44

And sorry OP I just noticed that you said 'let's call her Louise', my bad!

BookABooSue · 13/08/2014 18:59

I would feel uncomfortable about it. One of my friends was ill after taking it. Unless you're keeping 'Louise' with you then how is she going to access support from her parents if she has a similar reaction?

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2014 19:06

It was Louise's choice to take the MAP...the OP simply helped her to access it.

I don't think you overstepped at all OP.

She is old enough to choose whether she wants to be a Mother or not and she has chosen not to be.

It's not your fault she either can't or won't speak to her parents about it.

Bluestocking · 13/08/2014 19:07

I think you did absolutely the right thing, OP.
To the PPs who think this wasn't the right thing to do, what should OP have done, or what would you have done in her place? I'm not trying to start a fight, I'm genuinely interested to know - would you have told your daughter to tell "Louise" to tell her mother, would you have told the mother yourself, would you have told your daughter it wasn't your problem? It's interesting to consider this scenario from the point of view of OP, her own daughter, "Louise" and her mother. It may look quite different from each viewpoint.

windowtree · 13/08/2014 19:12
  1. I would not have told Louise's mum
  2. I would have told Louise what options were available to her
  3. I would have offered impartial advice
  4. I would have left it up to Louise to decide what to do after that
  5. I would be proud of my DD for supporting her friend

I don't know what a PP is by the way!

Itsfab · 13/08/2014 19:15

YANBU

While it is sad she can't, or won't, talk to her mum, the fact is if there was going to be a baby it is Louise's and she doesn't have to tell her mother anything so you have done the right thing helping her. Making her be a parent when she doesn't want to be because it feels wrong to intervene, or is better if she tell her mum, is wrong.

It was indefensibly wrong that years ago women were forced to give up their babies for adoption. It is just as wrong now that women may be forced into parenthood.

Wine and Flowers for you, OP.

SuchSweetSorrow · 13/08/2014 19:22

Honestly, you did the right thing

windowtree · 13/08/2014 19:25

I don't think that the Louise would have been "forced" into parenthood had OP not acting - she may have stumbled into it as a result of doing nothing - but we can't speculate on what could/would have happened had OP not taken her for the MAP. She may have spoken to her mum, she may have gone to see Doctor or chemist on her own, she could have shared with boyfriend (or guy involved), she could have done with OP's DD, she could have decided to remain pregnant - no one forced anyone here (I sincerely hope not anyway)- neither the OP by her actions or those who don't agree with OP's actions.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 13/08/2014 19:46

window PP is Previous Poster

I'd like to think my DD can talk to be about anything, but if in a situation she couldn't, I'd want someone to help her like you've helped 'Louise' .

Mucho · 13/08/2014 19:51

My DD is only wee so this is all theoretical for me. I would hope she would come to me. If she didn't I would be grateful there was an adult she could approach for support. Well done OP.

BedPig2013 · 13/08/2014 19:59

I think you did the right thing, I hope that in 14 years time my dd would come to me if she needed contraception but if she felt she couldn't then I'd be glad that someone else could help her. Fwiw I think that the pharmacists ask quite a range of medical questions before they'll give the MAP and it's at their discretion whether to give or not.

littlepeas · 13/08/2014 20:01

You did the right thing.

Original poster
shaylla · 13/08/2014 20:12

''1. I would not have told Louise's mum
2. I would have told Louise what options were available to her
3. I would have offered impartial advice
4. I would have left it up to Louise to decide what to do after that
5. I would be proud of my DD for supporting her friend''

That's pretty much how it happened this morning. And then L asked me to drive her into town basically. I didn't hesitate. Only now i'm thinking - as another poster said - from everyone elses point of view.

Yes the chemist was very good. Asked lots of questions about Louise's health, when she had sex, etc. She explained what to do if she felt sick etc. Louise is in pretty much constant touch with DD by text. Her partner this time was a casual hook up, so no, no support from him.

OP posts:
BookABooSue · 13/08/2014 20:44

I think it's quite a big leap on the part of a PP to suggest that if OP hadn't acted then the alternative was an unwanted pregnancy Hmm

It's almost impossible to guess at anyone else's perspective in this because we have no idea of their motivations eg we don't know why Louise didn't go to her parents (we know why she said she didn't go to her parents but that isn't always the same thing) ; we don't know how Louise's parents would have reacted if she had gone to them.

We know the OP was coming from a place of being responsible and helpful (as was her dd) but really the others could be coming from a variety of places.

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