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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not ask for mainenance for children.

32 replies

NacMacFeeglie · 13/08/2014 12:23

I couldn't think where best to post this. Basically my mum and my partner think my ex should pay for his four children.

When we split we had an agreement. He didn't keep to his side of it to I went to csa and for a few months he paid. Then he lost his job and payments stopped. For the last two years he has been working full time. I haven't claimed maintenance because I wanted to work too and he agreed to have the kids every weekend so I could.

I am now about to go full time and I can manage without maintenance. I've been managing for two years. However my mum and my partner both feel that he Should be paying regardless. As they are his children too.

He will be having them alternate weekends now I have a week day job. I am not rich. Money comes from benefits obly just now and I buy a lot of things second hand etc.

Should I claim maintenance or not. I don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 13/08/2014 12:25

Of course you should - they are his kids, he should pay for them. Apart from anything else what message does that send to his children?

Not quite sure why you have to ask, and I am damn sure no one is going to say he shouldn't give you money.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2014 12:25

Of course you should.

Even if you feel you don't 'need' it, you can always stick it in a savings account for them.

marne2 · 13/08/2014 12:26

Does he pay for anything? Clothes? Shoes? Trips out? Etc.....

If not then he should be paying something regardless to wether you need him to or not.

My dh pays CSA plus helps with school uniform, school trips etc.

Original poster
NacMacFeeglie · 13/08/2014 12:30

He takes them on a holiday each year though I think his dad pays for it. He pays for brownies trips and will help out with winter gear.

I don't know what it is but everytime I think about taking money off him I feel guilty. Maybe because I left him. But at the same time I can't expect my partner to move in one day and support us all whilst the children's actual father doesn't if that makes sense.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 13/08/2014 12:36

You have nothing to feel guilty about. The money is for the children, and he'd have to be paying out for them regardless of where they live.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2014 12:38

Well he doesn't appear to feel guilty about taking money off of you

And by not paying maintenance, that's exactly what he's doing.

DaisyFlowerChain · 13/08/2014 12:44

So you were happy to claim benefits from tax payers rather than take it from their other parent? I agree with your mum.

twofingerstoGideon · 13/08/2014 12:46

Of course he should pay. Good grief.

WooWooOwl · 13/08/2014 12:48

If you take money for your children from their Father, you won't need to claim benefits.

noblegiraffe · 13/08/2014 12:49

It's not your money, it's your childen's money.

silverstreak · 13/08/2014 12:58

What worra said; the children will definitely really appreciate it at some point and if it's a matter of pride for you (which I could theoretically totally agree with, btw) then that would side step that also.

LineRunner · 13/08/2014 13:00

He is skimming off the taxpayer.

SweetsForMySweet · 13/08/2014 13:07

Yes your ex husband should pay for his children even if you can get by without it. The money is for your children, not for you. Put it towards the children's education, college fund or their life savings if you can afford to manage without it. They may be in need of the money someday if the require money for their future and it will be there for them then. Your ex husband has responsiblities and needs to man up. If your partner had children from a previous relationship, would you expect him to do the decent thing and pay for his children or expect someone else to do it for him. Just because you are not in a relationship with him anymore does not mean that he shouldn't contribute towards his children's living expenses and upbringing.

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/08/2014 13:09

"I went to csa and for a few months he paid. Then he lost his job and payments stopped. For the last two years he has been working full time"

I don't quite understand this.

If the CSA were already involved at the time of him loosing his job, they would have continues to be involved throughout his time of unemployment (albeit that they would only take a token amount from his unemployment associated benefits) and would have reviewed when he started work again.

They would not have just 'closed the case' when he lost his job. You would have had to ask them to close the case and I don't understand why you would do that, given that you were also dependent on benefits.

minipie · 13/08/2014 13:11

You are not "managing without maintenance". You are claiming benefits. So you are choosing to be subsidised by the tax payer rather than subsidised by your ex, your children's father.

Who should be paying for your children? The tax payer or their father?
I think it's their father. So yes you should claim maintenance.

If you were paying for everything out of your own earnings it would be different... in that case you could choose not to claim maintenance... but as long as you are claiming benefits instead of maintenance then YABU.

KnackeredMuchly · 13/08/2014 13:14

He should pay, don't feel guilty.

TheSameBoat · 13/08/2014 13:15

Isn't it the case that if you claim benefits you HAVE to claim maintenance regardless of whether you want to or not?

DaisyFlowerChain · 13/08/2014 13:24

TheSameBoat, no there's no enforcement like there used to be. It used to be compulsory and it was then deducted from benefits (as it should be) but now it's optional and can be claimed as well as full benefits.

Original poster
NacMacFeeglie · 13/08/2014 13:43

I definitely didn't close any case with the csa. He lost his job the money stopped and that's the last I heard.

As I say I have worked part time and full time throughout the last three years and am about to return to fulltime work after a breakdown in the new year.

I think everyone is correct though. Especially the pride thing. I think that has played a small part in not doing it.

OP posts:
DialsMavis · 13/08/2014 13:49

Agree with mini pie. I don't get anything near what I should from twatty ex but he would be vile if I tried. However it is only me & DP stumping up for the short fall so I can have a less anxious life and DS doesn't gave to know what a selfish bell end his father is.

I don't mind my tax helping those in need, but I do mind inadvertently funding your exs lifestyle.

fifi669 · 13/08/2014 13:53

The only time he shouldn't pay is if he's buying/providing things in lieu of maintenance. Eg he would be liable for £20pw but instead pays for their school lunches, buys their clothes,shoes etc to an amount that reaches or exceeds maintenance. Essential stuff you would have had to pay out for.

If he isn't doing that, then claim. If he is, you could sour your relationship, he stops paying for such things and you're no better off.

BigBlockSingsong · 13/08/2014 13:54

My DM never claimed maintenance , my DF had my sister and paid for everything he has her, although if its niggling at you maybe theres a reason.

BigBlockSingsong · 13/08/2014 13:54

*had my sister at weekends

GrandadGrumps · 13/08/2014 14:16

You are not "managing without maintenance". You are claiming benefits. So you are choosing to be subsidised by the tax payer rather than subsidised by your ex, your children's father.

I was under the impression that maintenance didn't affect benefits any more? If that's the case she'd be able to claim full benefits whether or not she received maintenance and it doesn't cost the taxpayer any more or less either way.

I agree that he should be supporting his children though.

needaholidaynow · 13/08/2014 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.