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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Or am I overreacting?

61 replies

DarthvadersUndercrackers · 13/08/2014 11:29

Long, but dont want to drip feed.

DD is 16. She has a myriad of health problems including hypermobility which means any knocks etc can damage her joints.

She is currently on holiday with MIL and last night they went to the theatre to see a show. Not a big production, just a song and dance thing. The atmosphere was good, very much 'singalong' and at the encore many people got out their phones to record the last couple of minutes.

On seeing half the audience do it DD decided to record a few seconds to show me (and it would have been a few seconds as she sends short videos via Vine or Whats App). I've seen the video she took it's a few seconds and her phone is so low she's actually only got the people on stage from the waist down.

It's important to note here that the phone wasn't obscuring anyones view, and as I say at this point half the crowd were recording the encore.

An older 'lady' and I use the term loosely, who was sat two rows behind (the seats sloped so unless she was looking down at DD rather than straight at the stage) leaned forward and physically slapped DD around her wrist so hard she dropped her phone. The slap was hard enough to leave a mark and incredibly fortunate that it didn't dislocate her wrist. DD forwarded me the video, it's a total of 5 seconds. So she lifted the phone, pressed record, the woman hit her immediately and DD dropped the phone. This is shown on the video.

I am bloody furious tbh. Why did this lady not pick a fight with any of the other older ladies around her who were filming? Why didn't she slap the women either side of her? I'm guessing because DD is young and in a minority in that audience she made an easy target.

DD wanted to report it to staff immediately. MIL wouldn't let her. Arriving back at the hotel DD was quite upset and told me all about it. She said she was returning to the theatre today to report it as she had the womans seat number. MIL refuses to let DD report the incident and doesn't think it's anything to bother about. I do and DH does as well.

So MN, what do we do? Let it go or shall I report it myself from here for DD?
She's fed up, upset with MIL's attitude towards the whole thing and wants to come home.

OP posts:
unrealhousewife · 13/08/2014 12:07

Do you think it could have been racially motivated?

It sounds very much like it, this disproportionate reaction singling her out among many who are doing the same thing.

I experienced this with a friend once, many years ago, she was black, me white, she was singled out in a venomous nasty hostile way and none of us could understand why, it didn't make sense at the time.

I wouldn't let it pass, the police will be very interested, especially as you have witnesses. Ignore MIL, it's not her battle to fight, do this for yourself.

Booboostoo · 13/08/2014 12:13

Whether your DD should have been filming or not is irrelevant, the woman assaulted her. I am astounded your MIL did not report it, it's an awful lesson for your DD. I would contact the police and see what they say about it. The woman has serious boundary issues if she thinks she can go around slapping children.

MaxPepsi · 13/08/2014 12:16

Report.

Well done to your daughter for having the confidence herself to know it's the right thing to do.

I'm astounded your Mil didn't rip the other woman apart particularly considering her own gd has health problems. Stupid woman.

aquashiv · 13/08/2014 12:20

report her the bully

MrsWinnibago · 13/08/2014 12:20

Don't write. Call them and email. Today.

Original poster
DarthvadersUndercrackers · 13/08/2014 12:22

DD is a shy, reserved girl. She's not a typical 16 year old and is very green with the world preferring to stay at home and read etc rather than go out. She came to me before she left school somewhat upset that she'd been cornered in a corridor by a boy she didn't know who'd decided to feel her bottom. I told her then that this behaviour wasn't acceptable and to her credit she reported it, CCTV identified the boy and he was punished at school.
MIL thinks this was an OTT reaction.

I think that incident empowered her a bit so she knew straight away last night that the woman was wrong to do what she'd done. DD was going to confront but when the lights went up the woman had quickly slunk off into the crowd.
I don't think it was racially motivated no, though I do think it was age motivated as I'm certain she wouldn't have done that to an older lady.

OP posts:
unrealhousewife · 13/08/2014 12:24

Phone the police station and see what they suggest.

cosikitty · 13/08/2014 12:27

I can't see anyone else filming on the video. If someone in front of me was filming in the theatre I would mightily PISSED OFF! It is not the done thing.

I don't think the woman was right to slap your dds hand down though, but she would have had every right ask her to put the phone away.

ChelsyHandy · 13/08/2014 12:38

YANBU. Cinemas and theatres seem to be an increasingly fertile ground for bullying old bags harridans. Sometimes I think they only go there to sullenly police the place or to get into arguments.

And yes, I'd report it to the police. Just because it happened in a theatre and was done by a mature woman does not excuse assault. I bet it was also a lot more disrupting to the rest of the audience than a few minutes' silent filming.

HappyJustToBe · 13/08/2014 12:46

Report to the police. As has been said maybe not much can be done but it helps your DD process it and reinforces the message that she shouldn't put up with being assaulted whatever she may have done to supposedly provoke it.

sherbetpips · 13/08/2014 12:54

If you do report it you need to be clear on the facts, details around your daughters health are irrelevant as the lady knew nothing about it. A slap however is still assault and is reportable should you choose to do so. Keep in mind filming is illegal so they may fob you off by pointing out your DD's own indesgression.
Re your MIL doesnt surprise me she did nothing, the lady was probably around her age, my MIL wouldnt either, my own mum would though!

coppertop · 13/08/2014 13:14

Your dd may have broken a theatre rule but the woman broke the law. I wouldn't hesitate to report her to the relevant people.

I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for any real action to be taken but perhaps a visit from the police might make the woman think twice before trying this again.

Original poster
DarthvadersUndercrackers · 13/08/2014 13:36

Sadly I think the time for real action was last night and I'm incredibly disappointed that MIL sat back and let this happen. I asked my Mum about it earlier and she tells me she'd have confronted the woman immediately and made a complaint both to the Theatre and the Police. Mum is older than MIL as well.

I'm incredibly proud of DD today, she knows this was unacceptable. She realises she was in the wrong but she also knows that this behaviour is never something that should be ignored so as 'not to make a fuss'.

I am in the process of reporting it to the Theatre. I doubt anything will be done, as I say I think the time to do something was last night, but it's cathartic to compose an email of complaint I think and I want DD to see that we are on her side.

Thanks again all.

OP posts:
moldingsunbeams · 13/08/2014 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 13/08/2014 14:17

Your daughter's health problems and the fact she was filming are both irrelevant. She was assaulted.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 13/08/2014 17:08

Who on earth does that woman think she is. Striking a stranger? What a shame MIL felt no need to respond. Is DD coming home or staying on?

BarbarianMum · 13/08/2014 17:16

Why are you reporting it to the theatre for heaven's sake? What can they possibly be expected to do? Assault is a crime and you report crimes to the police.

Original poster
DarthvadersUndercrackers · 13/08/2014 18:23

Have now been in touch with both Theatre and local PCSO's. They have Theatre details, seat details and DD's details so hopefully something will be done.
I will update.

OP posts:
Stampysladygarden · 13/08/2014 19:01

I worked FOH is a major regional theatre. Most of the time there is a no camera/recording equipment rule. But for some shows it was relaxed and audience members could do so discreetly. The recording policy of each show was dictated by the production company for every single show.

If there are strict rules for a show, no one would be filming because staff are there to watch out for it.

However, I will bet they have a zero tolerance to violence. Get it reported. The theatre should absolutely take it seriously.

This is one of the many reasons theatres ask for contact details. It's not just t

Stampysladygarden · 13/08/2014 19:01

To bomabard you with marketing

Booboostoo · 13/08/2014 19:18

I am not a lawyer but my feeling is that your DD' s condition would have need very relevant had she been injured. If you punch someone who has a heart condition and therefore dies you are not prosecuted for assault but for involuntary manslaughter.

Original poster
DarthvadersUndercrackers · 14/08/2014 10:51

Small update, I've had a response from both Theatre and local PCSO. Theatre's response is frankly piss poor.

^I’m sorry to read that you believe your daughter was assaulted within our venue on Tuesday 12th August. We take these matters very seriously and I have already spoke with both the manager on duty and two of the staff covering this area of the auditorium and sadly it doesn’t appear that it was brought to our attention at the time and so have no record of this incident happening.

name removed are bound by the data protection act which legally prevents us from providing personal details of any individual on our database, so I am not in a position to provide the information of which you request.

I’m sorry we are not in a position to help you in this matter.^

Firstly, at no point did I request any information from them. I informed them of the seat numbers in question but did not ask for any personal details.

It reads to me like they are saying 'it wasn't mentioned on the night so tough'. I have again pointed out that not all assaults are reported immediately and sometimes the victim of that assault needs time to process an incident.

Local PCSO is more proactive, we now have a crime number and he's looking into it.

I think the moral of this morning is if you happen to visit any small, seaside theatres and are assaulted within them they wont really give a shit.

OP posts:
Jackie0 · 14/08/2014 10:54

It's a police matter, they can contact the theatre and find out who the woman was.

Original poster
DarthvadersUndercrackers · 14/08/2014 11:01

Complete italics fail there...

I didn't sleep much last night, the more I thought about the whole thing the more annoyed I was tbh. I've never been one of those "could have happened" people but the fact is she could easily have dislocated DD's wrist. I haven't mentioned her health problems at all, whether DD does when the PCSO goes to chat with her is up to her, but one of her more serious issues is a nerve problem in her left arm. It's complex but they think a previous dislocation trapped a nerve and it left her, for quite some time, with a total paralysis of that arm. Any knocks to it can and have in the past made it worse. She's just recovering from that after 2 years of physio. If this woman had hit that arm rather than her right it could have set her back months.

What about next time she does it? Next time she decides to whack a child with ASD etc? You can't go around assaulting kids full stop which is why we want to make damned sure this woman is told that.

OP posts:
CabbagePatchCheryl · 14/08/2014 11:02

OP, what were you hoping the theatre would do?

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