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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not keep hold of 1 letter for ex-husband?

50 replies

twinkles1974 · 13/08/2014 11:04

Not technically ex yet but separated over 4 months ago. Chucked him out for cheating & generally not being a nice person.
He texts me asking if i can keep hold of 1 letter he is due to get delivered here, linked to his driving licence. I said no & that he should have already changed his address on his licence as it is a criminal offence to have wrong address on licence. He said he's not had an address to change it to. Not my problem.
He knows i put all his post as 'return to sender', i told him that as soon as we split. AIBU?

OP posts:
however · 13/08/2014 11:06

Depends. Will you need his cooperation in the future? Separation of assets, bank accounts? Are you married?

Agrestic · 13/08/2014 11:13

Yabu

yesyouare · 13/08/2014 11:15

yanbu he should of changed his address by now .

Original poster
twinkles1974 · 13/08/2014 11:16

We are married yes. Won't need co-operation in future as no assets, no joint bank accounts, rented house etc but we do have 1 DC together.
He got all arsey saying he'll remember this and won't ever, ever do me a favour in future. I reckon I have already done him massive favours - letting him live here rent free for 4 years & not telling the husbands of the women he cheated on me with (there's no way I could have inflicted on them the pain I've been through).

OP posts:
YouGotTime · 13/08/2014 11:18

Unless there is a massive backstory it would be pretty miserable of you to not pass on the letter to him.

WooWooOwl · 13/08/2014 11:22

If he was your husband, he didn't really owe you rent.

I get that you're angry with him, and that you have good reason to be angry with him, but really, being petty doesn't put you in a good light.

You have the moral high ground, why would you want to lose that?

Whatever he did, you are going to have to have some kind of relationship with him for the foreseeable future because you have a child together, and it's in everyone's best interests if you don't get petty over trivial things out of spite.

Original poster
twinkles1974 · 13/08/2014 11:22

So a husband can cheat on his wife repeatedly yet I'm the unreasonable one by not keeping hold of 1 measly letter?

OP posts:
CatsCantTwerk · 13/08/2014 11:23

If this letter could possibly affect his driving licence, How will that affect your dc? I mean with contact?

Original poster
twinkles1974 · 13/08/2014 11:25

When I said rent-free what I should have said was he lived here without paying a penny towards the house or his child, he worked full time but i was the bigger wage earner.

OP posts:
GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 13/08/2014 11:28

Rent free? You're married!

As for not keeping 1 letter... I think you're being childish.

WiggleGinger · 13/08/2014 11:31

YABU

It doesn't mean what he did in the past is ok!!!

Just pass it on ASAP!

Be the better person!

HellonHeels · 13/08/2014 11:32

I can hear your anger and pain coming through from your posts, OP.

Thinking about you for a moment in relation to this - how is it making you feel, sending back post and being obstructive to your ExH? On the face of it, it's a petty thing to do.

I recently split from my husband and feel a lot of disappointment, anger and sadness about him and our relationship. I feel better for being the better person and helping him in any minor interactions I have with him so I'd always recommend doing that. But if you feel better for getting your anger out by whatever means, including refusing to do anything at all to help him, then go ahead.

A disclaimer though - if he's violent or abusive, I think you would be sensible not to have any contact with him, including about his post.

Original poster
twinkles1974 · 13/08/2014 11:33

Eeek, it seems the majority concensus is that yes AIBU. So i give him the letter, feel walked over all over again and give him no incentive to change his address?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 13/08/2014 11:33

That's a separate issue, the way you handled your finances isn't really relevant and it's still not really a good reason not to just put a letter to one side until you have the opportunity to pass it on.

It's not like he's having a go at you for not holding on to all his mail, it's just this one, fairly important thing.

Maintain your dignity.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 13/08/2014 11:35

No. You give him the letter, hold your head high nd make it very clear this won't happen again or you will bin them...but on this occasion, be the bigger person

DialsMavis · 13/08/2014 11:37

Be better than him, pass the letter on. But say this is the last and only time you will do it.

SpicyBear · 13/08/2014 11:38

I'm going to disagree. There's nothing undignified about not putting yourself out for someone who treated you like shit. Life being a bit awkward for him is the inevitable consequence of what he did. He should set up a redirect and not rely on you. You aren't responsible for helping him anymore.

GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 13/08/2014 11:41

Give him the letter - he hasn't asked you to keep all letters, just this one - and tell him you won't do it for any others.

Why is that "being walked all over"?

WooWooOwl · 13/08/2014 11:43

I think you do have a responsibility to be civil to someone you have a child with.

It's putting yourself out more to write 'return to sender' on a load of envelopes and then to post them than it is to just put it on the side and hand it over next time it's convenient.

Original poster
twinkles1974 · 13/08/2014 11:46

Thanks, you have made me see it from a different point of view. I am going to be the bigger person. I guess i hate to admit but I am still hurting over everything that happened :-(

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/08/2014 11:46

Yes, just give him the letter.

It's early days in your separation, but you will eventually learn to pick your battles and this isn't one of them.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2014 11:47

X posts

It's understandable that you're hurting of course

FrenchJunebug · 13/08/2014 11:47

yabu and petty.

CinnabarRed · 13/08/2014 11:57

I'd pass this letter on to him.

Is there any merit to his argument that he hasn't had a permanent address to change his driver's licence to? Is there is, I might do the same for other letters from the DVLA until he can get his licence address sorted.

What is happening to his other post?

needaholidaynow · 13/08/2014 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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