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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not keep hold of 1 letter for ex-husband?

50 replies

twinkles1974 · 13/08/2014 11:04

Not technically ex yet but separated over 4 months ago. Chucked him out for cheating & generally not being a nice person.
He texts me asking if i can keep hold of 1 letter he is due to get delivered here, linked to his driving licence. I said no & that he should have already changed his address on his licence as it is a criminal offence to have wrong address on licence. He said he's not had an address to change it to. Not my problem.
He knows i put all his post as 'return to sender', i told him that as soon as we split. AIBU?

OP posts:

MuttonCadet · 13/08/2014 12:10

I think giving him the letter is the right thing to do, although I totally understand why you wouldn't want to do him any favours.

redexpat · 13/08/2014 12:10

Oh wow I can see how it is infuriating, and you are right that having the wrong address on your driving license is an offence, but I think you could make this the last favour you do for him. And make that clear, and everything will be returned with not known at this address in future.

You are hurting. But as worra said, pick your battles, and this isn't one of them. Really.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 13/08/2014 12:17

Hand over this one letter but make it clear you wont do it again and mean it.

I understand he's hurt you but you have DC stuck in the middle of all this and the less conflict they witness the better. It's not about being walked all over its about picking your battles.

flipchart · 13/08/2014 12:18

I see you are going to hold on to the letter.
I know you are really hurting and understandably so. Like others have said though once things have calmed down you may need him in the future for the sake of your children.

I would get in touch and say 'look, i was a bit hasty, i'll have the letter for you. Maybe it's best if we help each other out when we can, especially around the kids'

wowfudge · 13/08/2014 12:20

Hmm - I'm not sure about this. He was pretty uncivil to the OP wasn't he? Who else has he not changed his address with? Has he received a fine of some sort - I'm just thinking what is it which is linked to his driving licence? If he doesn't pay the fine, they'll be sending the reminders for payment and any escalation to the OP's address.

I'd give him the letter with the proviso he advises them of his new address.

mrssmith79 · 13/08/2014 12:20

Seems quite petty, irrespective of the circumstances surrounding the split. Just ask him to send you a SAE and you'll post it on when it arrives. Be the bigger person.

Efferlunt · 13/08/2014 12:21

Letters are addressed to the person not the address when you get the letter cross out the address and write 'forward to' and his new address.

Stick it in the post box and forget about it.

UselessNess · 13/08/2014 12:27

YABU

He was clearly a jerk and a nasty person but I still think you should give him the letter. You are NOT being a doormat to give it to him and you are not being 'walked over' if you keep the letter. It's got nothing to do with you taking the moral high ground either. It's simply you passing on a letter - nothing more and nothing less.

YANBU to feel really angry and bitter about everything else though.

I hope all this settles down soon, it's still early days.

UselessNess · 13/08/2014 12:28

Sorry, I see you have already decided to return the letter.

FunLovinBunster · 13/08/2014 12:34

Don't be daft, OP.
Forward it on through the post.
BUT cross out his name too and put
"MR. CHEATING LYING CUNT"
on it.
I would do this to all his post in future.

I think he'll get the message....

aturtlenamedmack · 13/08/2014 12:36

You need to think selfishly about the situation. If you have 1 DC together then the chances are that you will need his cooperation at some point in the future.
So yanbu to not want to do it, he was a first rate bastard and I don't blame you for not wanting to make his life any easier but, if you are sensible about the situation then you should do it purely for your own benefit.

yesyouare · 13/08/2014 12:41

He got all arsey saying he'll remember this and won't ever, ever do me a favour in future

he sounds like a spolit brat ,he wants everything his way , burn the fucking letter !

yesyouare · 13/08/2014 12:41

spoilt

FunLovinBunster · 13/08/2014 12:48

Or MR ADULTERER
Or MR I CAUGHT SYPHILIS FROM SHAGGING AROUND
etc etc

KnackeredMuchly · 13/08/2014 13:10

He doesn't deserve the letter. He doesn't deserve you being nice to him.

But it is good you are going to give him the letter. You have a daughter, need a divorce. Try and minimise the pettiness.

thicketofstars · 13/08/2014 15:13

I would pass the letter on to him, definitely. Do it for your child. Your kid will be so, so much happier if you're not on acrimonious terms with your ex. Also, it doesn't matter how nasty he's been to you, right now you sound like you're letting yourself down, tbh. How hard can it be to hand one letter over? If you don't, you'll set a tone that will be difficult and tiresome in the future...and in the end, it will make your child unhappy. I'm not saying your ex deserves good treatment as he seems to have been a git. Makes no difference to what you do now, though.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/08/2014 15:29

Glad you are going to give him the letter. It is actually better for you, in the long run, to hold on to your dignity and behave civilly - being spiteful, petty and vindictive eats away at you and makes other people go, blimey, maybe he had a point when he started chasing other women if she's this much of a cow.

Medibeagle · 13/08/2014 15:38

YANBU he has had a month to make other arrangements.

I would point him in the general direction of the Post Office and suggest he gets his mail redirected.

ADHDNoodles · 13/08/2014 16:22

It is tempting to do exactly zero for him. But you do have a child to think about. You want your daughter to be able to have both parents who can put aside their difference so they can be there for her major events together without causing drama or headache for her. But space and time will help make that possible.

In the mean time, I'm glad you're giving him the letter. You two are going to need to work together to coordinate custody arrangements.

LittlePeaPod · 13/08/2014 16:35

YANBU this isn't about your dignity and any of that. He cheated so yes his an arse. Bottom line is he doesn't live there and hasn't lived there since you kicked him out. Therefore he shouldn't be using your address as some sort of PO Box. I am sure if you received any mail for the previous tennants you would 'return to sender'. His a previous tenant so I agree send any of his mail back.

Alternatively tell him to go to the post office and set up a mail redirect. Then you don't get his mail and don't need to send it back. If he can't be arsed to do that then send it all back.

Rainbunny · 13/08/2014 16:39

Well, if he is unable to renew his drivers license then that potentially impacts his ability to see your DC. Do you really want that?

Also, as angry and hurt as you are, and God knows it sounds like you deserve to be, you will have to deal with him on some basis until your DC is an adult. That's a longtime, as WorraLiberty has said, pick your battles.

HappyAgainOneDay · 13/08/2014 16:44

I feel the the OP. 20 years after a divorce and my ex still asks me for things from the house (I bought his share from him) ..... He got a short answer last time he asked.

LittlePeaPod · 13/08/2014 16:50

Op when you give him the letter tell him that he needs to sort himself out. Change address or redirect his mail. It's easy to do!

however · 15/08/2014 08:12

After reading your subsequent posts, I'd send him the letter and inform the other husbands. You have your priorities wrong.

hackmum · 15/08/2014 09:19

I think if you want to retain the moral high ground, you should just give him the letter. It shows you are the better person.

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