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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this comment was off the mark?

50 replies

allisgood1 · 13/08/2014 08:55

So it's been two days and this is STILL bugging me...

Went for a growth scan a couple days ago. Background is this is dc3. First two were large babies so inherently convinced this one will be too. Also had two rather traumatic births due to size and various other factors. I had agreed with my consultant that I will be induced a week early due to my history and general fear.

Anyway, growth scan revealed that baby is on 50th centile, not 99th like the others. So likely not going to be a huge baby like the others. Although growth scans are pretty inaccurate, right?

So I tell my friend (note this was all via text) how the scan went blah blah and baby isn't measuring as big as previous 2. So she says "so you won't need to be induced then". And I said "no I will be. I am too anxious not to". She said "but you were going in for size and you know he's not going to be big!" I then said "I had two traumatic births and scans are not entirely accurate for size. Plus my mum is here and with school starting this baby needs to come on induction date." She said "so it's all about you not what's best for him".

This has really bloody made my blood boil. How dare she pass judgement on me for going along with the plan I've had the entire time that is the only thing preventing me from being anxious about giving birth!? And thank god the baby might be smaller, maybe I won't need forceps this time!

AIBU to he pissed off at this comment? Or am I just hormonal?

OP posts:
ApocalypseNowt · 13/08/2014 08:58

YANBU! I would be absolutely livid and honestly I'd rethink my friendship with that person.

ChasedByBees · 13/08/2014 08:59

She's an idiot.

pictish · 13/08/2014 09:01

No...the comment is arsey, but I don't consider it a deal breaker friendship wise either.
Why don't you tell her (calmly) that her comment has weighed on your mind, and you'd like her to elaborate on what she thinks baby will be missing out on, owing to the induction.

It seems a rather misinformed comment to make to me.

UriGeller · 13/08/2014 09:02

Not very tactful but its basically a true statement.

She's being a bit short sighted though by not taking into account the stress that you would be experiencing and passing on to your baby if you weren't in control of your birth plan and induction.

If a close friend said that to me, i wouldnt mind, but perhaps she doesn't know you so well if she is so blunt.

DownByTheRiverside · 13/08/2014 09:04

She is an idiot, a tactless twit with no filter between her brain and her mouth.
YANBU to be pissed off, but is she usually like that? Is it part of her normal attitude?
DD has a friend like this, and it's astounding the sort of artless stupidity that she spouts.

Finola1step · 13/08/2014 09:07

She needs to keep her beak out. You are doing this for both of you.

KissMyFatArse · 13/08/2014 09:09

She may be a bit blunt but tbh I was kinda thinking along the same lines as her, especially as it came across sounding more convenient for you and less about with what's best for baby.

Original poster
allisgood1 · 13/08/2014 09:14

She's a good friend but not exactly tactful and not exactly the brightest spark in the box. Sometimes her comments astound me. At the moment not saying anything, but did point out that when SHE was having a planned csection for HER I had supported her decision. Her reply? "But I knew I was having a big baby". Compete tosh. The section was planned when she was about 20 weeks and she didn't have a later scan. Anyway...

OP posts:
DownByTheRiverside · 13/08/2014 09:16

So it's how she is, she wasn't intending to cause you upset.
Some people are like that, and you either take them or leave them.
Did she look puzzled/confused when you pointed out the flaw in her argument? They usually do. Smile

Original poster
allisgood1 · 13/08/2014 09:20

No it probably wasn't intentional. But I am still fuming over it days later (this I admit may be hormones).

OP posts:
Whatisaweekend · 13/08/2014 09:20

With friends like these.....Hmm

She is rude, tactless and unpleasant, voicing her stupid opinions whilst utterly failing to look at her own behaviour. Don't let her upset you and good luck with the birth.

dorasee · 13/08/2014 09:21

Sorry, your friend sucks! I had my DC3 10 weeks ago and have had a similar relationship with my friend. She said so many inappropriate tidbits without meaning to, but they do stick in the head. Is your friend TTC and perhaps jealous? Some friends are weird when their friends get pregnant, especially if your friend wanted more kids but won't be having them. My friend has no filter. When she hadn't heard from me for 2 weeks, she emailed me and I kid you not, asked if my baby died...those words. I had a stillbirth 3 years ago so her words just sent me reeling. I mean, how was I meant to reply "No. Thankfully no one here is dead. Wanna meet for coffee?" Still pees me off.
You are so not being unreasonable! Growth scans are, as you know, an unknown quantity. I was told DC1 was tiny. On the day as I was delivering him the midwife commented on how tiny he would be and then this massive lake monster came out of me! Lol! :-) He was a fine, healthy boy. As long as baby is healthy and well, small is fine. They grow and grow and grow. One day you will have these tall kids towering over you and it won't matter if they were 5 pounds or 11 pounds at birth. We all get there in the end. Good luck on the birth! I was more terrified with DC3 than ever before. I suppose we are all too aware of the trials of birth. But the outcome is amazing isn't it? :-) Best of luck to you.

DieselSpillages · 13/08/2014 09:22

I'm sorry to hear you've had two traumatic births. This birth will not necessarily be the same. Why don't you trust your baby and body to give birth when the time is right for the baby , rather than for the convenience of your planning? Your body has managed this far to grow a perfect baby, and view that this baby is smaller why not have confidence in the natural process.
The fact that he is smaller also means that he will benefit from spending the perfect amount of time in the womb, and only he and your body know when that will be. Birth calls for a letting go of control and total trust in your body and baby.

DownByTheRiverside · 13/08/2014 09:25

So if she bothers you, time to disengage,
It's a constant see-saw with DD and her friend (both adults in their 20s) as to how annoyed she is with her friend, if yours is too much ATM you can cool things off as you have so many other pressures on your time. You don't need another negative.

Idontseeanyicegiants · 13/08/2014 09:25

Well if a highly qualified child birth professional agrees that it's a good idea then what your friend said isn't that important is it? An anxious and traumatised Mum is definitely not good for baby.
Did you have anyone to talk to after your other births? I think some hospitals offer counselling (sorry, I can't remember what it's actually called) for women who have had bad birth experiences.
YANBU, it was a catty uncalled for comment.

DownByTheRiverside · 13/08/2014 09:30

' only he and your body know when that will be. Birth calls for a letting go of control and total trust in your body and baby.'

Ah yes, the 'unfold like a flower and squat on a mossy rock whilst chanting' view of childbirth.
I had two of those, and they were fast, easy and uncomplicated. I'd swallow my own windchimes before trotting out that sort of glib nonsense to a worried, anxious mother asking for support.

Original poster
allisgood1 · 13/08/2014 09:34

Sorry Diesel, I'm not going to defend my decision here just like I'm not going to defend it to my friend.

Not entirely sure what to do now. My head says to ignore until I'm over it...it's not worth the cost of the entire friendship.

OP posts:
ApocalypseNowt · 13/08/2014 09:39

Diesel I don't think that's very helpful. OP has 'trusted her body' twice already and had 2 traumatic births (not solely related to baby's size). If medical professionals agree it is a reasonable course of action to go a different way then I would trust in that. They would be unlikely to suggest it purely on 'the convenience' of OP's planning.

ApocalypseNowt · 13/08/2014 09:41

OP - if she's a good friend would it help to explain your feelings to her? If you think she would 'get it' then a calm conversation would probably help. If not then you need to keep reminding yourself that you and the doctor's know what's best for you and your baby.

Good luck with it all x

TheNumberfaker · 13/08/2014 09:46

Being honest, this is about you and your anxiety. What is the due date? Are you deliberately choosing to induce early because of starting school. Won't that make this baby a late August one? I have a friend who refused induction until 1st September so her baby didn't suffer from being a summer born (she was 37 weeks with gestational diabetes and asked if 3 days would make a difference to baby and they said no it wouldn't).

Original poster
allisgood1 · 13/08/2014 09:50

Really thenumber? That's interesting because in my notes the reason for induction isn't "allisgood1 wants one and is anxious" but is actually "previous sizes of baby and PPH". So please, take your "knowledge" elsewhere. And stop assuming.

And no this has nothing to do with a specific date. It's 6 days prior to my original due date that they've booked me in.

OP posts:
TheWeather · 13/08/2014 09:57

I thought induced births could be harder on the mum due to the body not being ready. Have you looked in to the fors and againsts of induction! (Sorry if you have, it's just i remember trying to avoid one at all costs).

CheeseToastie123 · 13/08/2014 09:58

Ah, anecdata. I'll add some balance then by mentioning the two 31st August babies I know. One a medical doctor and a PhD who was always ahead in class (I should know, she was sat next to me a lot!) and another leading in his field of educating and supporting children with severe difficulties. Talented artist, highly educated, great with people.

do what is agreed as best for you between you and the docs, OP. FWIE, I would tell your friend how upset you are, but only when you can do it calmly iyswim.

KnackeredMuchly · 13/08/2014 10:04

What a friend. Last time I'd tell her anything!

As for the "trust your baby" to have a happy birth... ffs

WhatTheHellDoWeCallThisBaby · 13/08/2014 10:05

OP sorry for the unhelpful comments here, particularly Diesel who has demonstrated a level of smug arrogance which is astonishing even for this bloody forum. Really Diesel , you talk about trusting our bodies to a woman who has suffered forceps? Really?

I'm due anyday now and would love to have the certainty (or "convenience") of a definite arrival date, however I recognise that you'd probably love to have my relatively positive view of birth (from DC1). As it is, we're both coping with different circumstances, and are presumably following good medical advice, so everyone who's being unhelpful can fuck off. Best of luck.