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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this comment was off the mark?

50 replies

allisgood1 · 13/08/2014 08:55

So it's been two days and this is STILL bugging me...

Went for a growth scan a couple days ago. Background is this is dc3. First two were large babies so inherently convinced this one will be too. Also had two rather traumatic births due to size and various other factors. I had agreed with my consultant that I will be induced a week early due to my history and general fear.

Anyway, growth scan revealed that baby is on 50th centile, not 99th like the others. So likely not going to be a huge baby like the others. Although growth scans are pretty inaccurate, right?

So I tell my friend (note this was all via text) how the scan went blah blah and baby isn't measuring as big as previous 2. So she says "so you won't need to be induced then". And I said "no I will be. I am too anxious not to". She said "but you were going in for size and you know he's not going to be big!" I then said "I had two traumatic births and scans are not entirely accurate for size. Plus my mum is here and with school starting this baby needs to come on induction date." She said "so it's all about you not what's best for him".

This has really bloody made my blood boil. How dare she pass judgement on me for going along with the plan I've had the entire time that is the only thing preventing me from being anxious about giving birth!? And thank god the baby might be smaller, maybe I won't need forceps this time!

AIBU to he pissed off at this comment? Or am I just hormonal?

OP posts:

TheWeather · 13/08/2014 10:07

Anacdata? Me?

www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg70/chapter/guidance

pictish · 13/08/2014 10:08

Diesel

I'm sure the OP has thought this through.
She wasn't seeking mumsnet's opinion on her birth plan, but about her friend's pointed comment about it.
She knows about giving birth already, having done it twice.

OP like I say - tell her the comment has stayed with you, and you need to put it to rest.

Passmethecrisps · 13/08/2014 10:11

I would be bloody livid.

My growth scans measured very small so I was induced as there was a concern about failure to thrive. She was a 7iber so the scans were 3ib out.

This is a decision which has been made in consolation with medical professionals and has been well planned for the benefit of all concerned.

The 'trust baby and your body' tripe does not empower women but does quite the opposite. Birthing mothers should be free to make choices whether that be birthing behind a rock with naught but a sturdy stick to bite down on or full medical intervention without the judgement of those who have had different experiences.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 13/08/2014 10:13

Your friend sounds like shes never had the pleasure of a traumatic birth, pph, and large babies, otherwise she wouldn't spout such nonsense.

In the spirit of educating her and appeasing your hormones, you could shove an umbrella up her arse, open it, then pull it out. Ask her if she is keen to repeat the experience, and if she answers No, point out that she seems to be all about her with no consideration for the feelings of others.

Or just imagine doing this until your blood stops boiling and you can decide if you want to stay friends with someone who has no empathy.

Catsize · 13/08/2014 10:16

I would have probably thought what your friend said to be honest. I would have probably queried the need for an induction, but that is because I am anti-induction unless strictly necessary. I had one and it was awful. My second birth was one push at home.
Good luck OP. Whatever happens, I hope this experience is a better one.

pictish · 13/08/2014 10:16

I agree crisps - it wouldn't occur to me to question any other woman's birth plan, seeing as it's absolutely not within my jurisdiction, and not something I can consider fair game to opinionate on.
Each birth experience is personal and unique.
It's folly to expect a say.

The friend should be told this.

CheeseToastie123 · 13/08/2014 10:17

Weather - no, not you. Sorry, typing my post took a while (fat fingers on phone). It was in response to TheNumber / late summer babies bit, not inductions.

Catsize · 13/08/2014 10:18

Oh, and inductions increase the risk of intervention, so she may have been mindful of this.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 13/08/2014 10:23

Why don't you trust your baby and body to give birth when the time is right for the baby...? Your body has managed this far to grow a perfect baby...why not have confidence in the natural process.
Birth calls for a letting go of control and total trust in your body and baby.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's the most entertaining bit of earthy crunchy nonsense I've read on here in ages.

OP, how would your friend react if you said something similarly unfeeling to her? I think it is always interesting to know how people who expect you to put up with their lack of tact or kindness behave when the same expectations are made of them.

Floundering · 13/08/2014 10:24

OP -just to lighten the mood.....

ME; Got to have another scan next week MIL,
(both my DD's were big & both times I was checked for gestational diabetes)

MIL; looking at me up & down and at DH

"ah well dear 'tis to be expected, after all if you breed from carthorses you won't get a thoroughbred will you?"

Me & DH >>>>>

redexpat · 13/08/2014 10:24

Insensitive yes, hypocritical yes. It's neither her business nor her place. I would think about how much I share with her in future.

DieselSpillages · 13/08/2014 10:25

I read that OP was a bit anxious about her impending birth, due to 2 previous experiences with larger babies. I wanted to help her remember that her body is amazing and can do this. I did not intend to criticise her birth plan.

Induction can make for a faster, more painful experience. I understood one of the reasons OP was planning induction was because of expected larger birth size, which no longer is an issue.

I hope you have great birth OP and you resolve the conflict with your friend.

TheWeather · 13/08/2014 10:26

Cheese -sorry I misunderstood.

Original poster

allisgood1 · 13/08/2014 10:26

Weather, yes I'm relatively informed of what induction involves (having has dc2 via induction). I also know what shoulder dystocia involves. I pick the former.

Funnily enough, friend had a very large baby and tore up and down. Required two surgeries to "fix down there" and then chose to have her dc2 via section "because I'm not doing that again". Did I judge? Nope. Did I pass comment? Nope. Wish I could be afforded the same. Kettle? Black?

OP posts:

Sicaq · 13/08/2014 10:30

Jeez, tell her to do one. You are not purely a vessel for your baby; you are entitled to consider what is good for you as well as the baby.

diddl · 13/08/2014 10:33

Sounds like a misunderstanding tbh.

the induction is for size & other factors.

Perhaps if you'd just pointed out that the other factors are still there rather than that you mum is there & school starting?

ShadowStar · 13/08/2014 10:34

While inductions do increase the risk of intervention, I suspect that having an extra large baby would also increase the risk of intervention (I've not seen any information either way about that though so could be talking nonsense).

Anyway. The friend's comments were tactless and insensitive. The doctor's wouldn't have agreed to induce early without good cause.

Original poster

allisgood1 · 13/08/2014 10:34

Diddl, tbh I shouldn't have to explain anything. IMO (but maybe I am being unreasonable?) she should keep her opinions about the matter to herself. She's perfectly entitled to judge me behind my back

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/08/2014 10:38

Absolute nonsense. What's best for baby is to have a Mum as healthy as possible, both physically and mentally. Only a crazy person would put themselves and their baby at unescessary risk of forceps.

MissVanDyke · 13/08/2014 10:39

YANBU at all about your friend's comments. That is incredibly insensitive, particularly given your history.

I have experienced shoulder dystocia with DC2 and it was scary. I don't think we are having anymore DC but if we did this would be at the front of my mind and would completely affect all decisions I made about the birth.

I hope you get a much better experience this time.

Passmethecrisps · 13/08/2014 10:47

I am with you OP. Judge to your heart's content behind my back - hoist those pants high! But do not voice your half baked opinions to me.

Like I mentioned I had an induction and I am not sure I would go down that route again if I could avoid it. However, I took the medical advice and don't regret doing that. It was the right thing to do in my opinion.

Good luck with your impending birth.

TheNumberfaker · 13/08/2014 10:51

Hmm... this is AIBU...

In my opinion, you are being unreasonable to think your friend's comment was 'off the mark'. Perfectly valid comment to make.

diddl · 13/08/2014 11:02

No, you shouldn't have to explain & that's the problem-you started to leading to more confusion!

You should just have told her, since she's not the sharpest tool that the induction was still needed!

You know her & whether she was likely being unkind or it was an ill judged remark as she was focussed on the size of your baby.

Thumbwitch · 13/08/2014 11:03

YANBU - who does she think she is to judge you like that? If what you were asking to have happen wasn't reasonable, then the medics/MWs etc. wouldn't be accommodating you.

You don't want the entire friendship to founder over this comment, you say, but then she's always doing this kind of thing - so I'd say that while your initial reaction is reasonable, the fact that you're still stewing over it is because of your hormones. Either let it go so you can continue to be friends, or make an issue of it and she'll either see that she was a little off-colour with her remark, or get pissed off in return and your friendship will founder.

Bouttimeforwine · 13/08/2014 11:05

Annoying but not really worth getting your knickers in a twist about.

Let it go...

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