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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my bf to lose weight before we have children?

27 replies

silverpig · 13/08/2014 01:59

We are both over weight. I need to lose about 3 stone and really I think he could do with doing the same.
He is 10 years older than me and carries all his weight on his tummy.....he has the skinniest legs ever but a bulging tummy- probably from too much beer.
I just think once you have a child then losing weight will be more tricky. I would like to think that when we have a child we will be in the best possible health to take care of it and if I am honest the fact that he carries his weight all on his tummy/he is older than me makes me worry that he might have a heart attack. I lost my dad when I was young and I dont want my children to have to go through anything like that.

I thought we could do it together and support one another. I know he is very much wanting a child.

OP posts:
FlossyMoo · 13/08/2014 02:01

YANBU. Just be tactful if you can as weight issues can upset people and make them defensive.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2014 02:04

How are you going to do it? Maybe talking about both getting healthy before you try, being the best parents you can and all that. Have you spoken about weight/health with him before? Does he want to lose weight/get healthy?

Original poster
silverpig · 13/08/2014 02:11

He is trying to be healthy. I have been going to slimming world (and failing) but I was hoping to convince him to come along. He is very tall but I think that makes him look bigger than he is. I also think that his drinking on weekends really doesnt help but I dont want to turn into a nag. He works really hard throughout the week doing long shifts and overtime. I dont want to take away all of his fun.

I guess I need to talk to him about it. We are pretty open and its nothing to do with the way I feel about him. I just dont want him to die! How silly that sounds I know!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/08/2014 02:12

How much is he drinking? Some of that may have to be cut down with a new baby anyway.

ADHDNoodles · 13/08/2014 02:37

If you have to pick between diet and exercise, pick the diet. You can't out exercise a bad diet.

But if he doesn't want to lose weight, he won't. DH lost weight for DD because he wanted to be healthy to raise her, and be a good role model for healthy eating and lifestyle.

If you pressure him into it, he could end up like that one guy in a thread a while back that was sneaking junk food into the office while his wife was wondering why he wasn't losing weight.

partialderivative · 13/08/2014 02:45

This reply has been deleted

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MsAspreyDiamonds · 13/08/2014 06:28

If you want to become parents then making sure that your diet is good and your body is in top condition is a good place to start.

Keep a food diary to see where you can introduce healthy changes slowly. Meal planning is a good way to ensure that you eat a varied & healthy diet.

Swap nights in for an active evening doing something rather than sitting in front of the tv which invariably leads to a few beers and snacks. Take up swimming or just long walks to get you out of the house. If he sees the effects of positive lifestyle changes on you, he might give it a try but dont nag him about it.

www.jillianmichaels.com/fit/

Try the Jillian Michaels 30 Day shred plan.

Original poster
silverpig · 13/08/2014 19:02

that was unnecessarily rude partial

I was being a bit blase about it because I was worried people will think that I am being superficial and a bitch.

When the time comes to lose weight I know I will be able to....I dont want to be overweight when I get pregnant. I cant really control my boyfriend and wanted advice on how best to tackle it. The last thing I want to do it hurt his feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
silverpig · 13/08/2014 19:03

I have just bought that dvd....I have done 4 days and can already see a difference :) I have put 1lb on this week though!

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 13/08/2014 19:13

Yanbu

Remember muscle weighs more than fat op

eyebags63 · 13/08/2014 19:16

I think YABU - if he has always been a bit overweight it is a bit off to suddenly decide he must lose weight.

How fat is he anyway?

Fairylea · 13/08/2014 19:18

Have lots of energetic baby making sex? Lose weight, exercise and conceive all in one go.....

kirsten123 · 13/08/2014 19:51

Silver,

Are you planning on getting married before having children? If so, you could pitch it that you need to look good in the pics!

And not to be funny but if his health isn't good, you need to think about legally protecting yourself and DCs.

In terms of diets, men seem to do quite well on low carb.

Good luck!

kirsten123 · 13/08/2014 19:53

That Jillian Michaels one is the devil!

I could barely walk the day after so struggle to understand how I could have done the DVD every day for 30 days.

Sorry, realised my above post comes across judgey. Not meant like that!

JohnnyDeppsfuturewife · 13/08/2014 19:57

Yanbu. If you are tactful and supportive I don't think there's a problem, and if you think you are becoming a nag then just stop mentioning it. I was 3 or 4 stone overweight and dh said a couple of times (over the space of a few years) he wanted me to be healthy but if he had been really critical I would have dug my heals in and stayed fat.

I agree with MsAspreyDiamonds. I'd introduce small changes in your life (only healthy snacks in the house, healthy meals) and try to exercise together. It's not clear if you do all the cooking but the hairy bikers diet cookbooks have lots of great tasting recipes and with swimming world I think you can still have pasta and carby stuff. I wouldn't tackle the drinking at the start.

Not sure if you've discovered mumsnet's diet forum but I lost 62lbs and would never have done it without the help of the lovely, supportive ladies there.

onestepbeyond · 13/08/2014 20:02

My dh was 6ft4 and 24stone - he knew he needed to lose weight, everyone (well his mum) told him he needed to lose weight but it wasn't until something clicked in his head that he was able to do something about it. He joined slimming world and has now lost 5 stone.
What I'm trying to say is it has to be his decision in the end.

GreenPetal94 · 13/08/2014 21:13

I'd start trying to conceive and to lose weight at the same time. Neither of you are hugely overweight and you may regret the lost time if it takes you a while to conceive.

Annarose2014 · 13/08/2014 22:37

I found (when working on a cardiac unit and trying to persuade people to make changes) that adding up how much blokes spent on pints in a year gave them a bit of a shock.

I remember one guy went out every Friday and Saturday night with the lads. Hugely stressful job as a business owner. He probably rarely got particularly drunk. This was how he decompressed. I did some quick arithmetic and informed him he spent 5K a year on pints.

It made quite the impact!!!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 13/08/2014 22:49

Concentrate on yourself OP, lose weight if you want to, he will do the same if he so wishes.

InThisTogether · 14/08/2014 00:36

YANBU but I agree that until he is ready he won't do it. I worry about my OH too for similar reasons, so I understand. I have recently lost A LOT of weight (7 stone nearly) and that has been a big motivator for OH (he is worried about 'being in my league'!) and because I have been eating healthily he has too by default.

I think in the nicest possible way if you practice what you preach and lose weight and tell him kindly your (baby and otherwise) reasons for doing it he will get on board.

Good luck!

Joysmum · 14/08/2014 08:57

It not about the time coming to lose weight.

Sounds to me like you'll be embarking on a diet to lose weight and long term weight and health is about a lifestyle so that's now, and nothing to do with short or medium term goals to get pregnant.

Tbh, I really relate because I did the same with my DH. I projected my issues into him, linked him to my success or failure so I could defer responsibility for finding it so hard!

My breakthrough was in recognising that I needed to be completely independent in my choices.

If I didn't succeed it was because I either lacked the skills or didn't want it enough to make the changes needed.

My advice, crack on and concentrate only on you. Continue to make the right choices for you and him when you are in control of the situation (eg if you do the dinners then do healthy) and leave him to make his own choices.

jacks365 · 14/08/2014 09:03

When the time comes to lose weight I know I will be able to....I dont want to be overweight when I get pregnant.

Can I ask why the time to lose weight isn't now? Do you really want to lose weight or does part of you think you should.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 14/08/2014 10:48

What Jacks said - why isn't now the time to lose weight? You don't sound like you really want to do it yourself, so it's a bit hypocritical of you to suggest your OH loses weight when you're not doing anything about yours.

skittycat · 14/08/2014 11:37

YANBU to ask him about losing weight/doing it together. But if he doesn't want to do it then it's his choice. You can't force him.

amyhamster · 14/08/2014 11:42

If you cook & buy only healthy stuff & go swimming , walk everywhere, go biking together it'll soon drop off

Encouraging him to go to slimming world might make him run in the opposite direction

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