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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to suggest/ask this re school run?

76 replies

vvviola · 13/08/2014 00:19

I've been offered extra hours at work. The money would be really useful, but childcare is a bit of a problem. At the moment I work part time, so I can pick up DD1 from school.

If I took on the extra hours I'd have to work later 2 days a week, so wouldn't be able to pick her up. DH can work from home those days, but he can't be sure he would be able to leave the house to pick her up (conference calls/time sensitive work).

WIBtotallyU to ask a school friend's Mum if she could bring her home those days? They love 2 minutes walk from us, so it wouldn't be very far out of her way. I would offer to bring her DD home from school on any of the other days of the week.

The girls are good friends and walk to school together most morning (we do a walking school bus, with parents taking it in turns to bring the children). This Mum is always willing to cover days when other parents are unable to do their scheduled day, so I'd hate to look as though I'm taking advantage. But obviously it would be a two-way thing. I wouldn't expect her to do it without offering to do the same in return.

And if I wouldn't be completely unreasonable to ask, should I text her so she has the opportunity to think about it without being put on the spot? Or is it better to ask face to face?

OP posts:
KylieAteMyHamster · 13/08/2014 12:41

I think OP said the neighbour is two minutes away, not the school.

KylieAteMyHamster · 13/08/2014 12:43

I think this thread just shows that it's down to the individual. Some people would find it a massive imposition and others wouldn't mind helping out a neighbour. All you can do is ask.

amyhamster · 13/08/2014 13:55

Well it will really restrict the other girl and mum. What if her DD wants to join in after school clubs or attend play dates elsewhere?

Exactly
This is the crux of the problem IMO

Infinity8 · 13/08/2014 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 13/08/2014 16:51

Could your DH take half an hour out of work each afternoon as a regular thing to collect DD and then log on and finish his work hours afterwards. Obviously he'd be finishing a bit later but DD would be collected each day. DH could then ask neighbour to collect occasionally if he had a work emergency and really couldn't get away?

OnlyLovers · 13/08/2014 17:09

I also think the DH should be a bit more flexible. Other than call-centre type work where mini-Hitler bosses practically keep you chained to your desk (IME!), most office work isn't time-sensitive to the second or minute, surely? And can't conference call times be negotiated to take place half an hour earlier or later? We're not talking about hours and hours of flexibility needed, after all.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/08/2014 17:10

I would do it the other way round. Dh to do it when he can, and most of the time, but ask this lady if she could be called upon at short notice if your dh is on a conference call. I think your dh needs to step up a bit here.

vanessalightyear · 13/08/2014 17:30

Agree with the above, it needs to be your DH's issue a bit more, like it is yours when he is working.
Couldn't he just take 3-4 as his "lunch break" and grey that out in his calendar.

housebox · 13/08/2014 17:54

Personally I wouldn't do this for a friend. I'm happy to help in the odd emergency but I would find the commitment of doing it very restrictive. What if her DD is ill, has an appt after school or a playdate. What if her DD decides she wants to do a club on the days she is collecting your DD - it would put the mum in an awkward position as she would have to either let you down or deprive her DD.

I think it's a bit cheeky to ask. I hate situations like this as often you feel obliged and put on the spot. If you are going to ask it's probably better to do it by email or text to give your friend time to think of an answer.

I don't really see why if you are not far from school your husband just can't be available for 20 mins a day. Or you need to get a childminder to walk your child home.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/08/2014 18:12

Over the years I have had a few school run arrangements with my neighbours. When DD2 was a baby I took my neighbours kids to school and she picked mine up. It meant I didn't have to turn out in the afternoon if DD2 or I was having a nap.

I think it's worth a polite enquiry; maybe offer to do the other three pick ups. Lot's of people aren't very keen on the school run and would welcome the idea.

GreenPetal94 · 13/08/2014 18:17

If you do ask do it by text or email so they can have some time to think about it. And phrase it carefully so they can say no.

LadyintheRadiator · 13/08/2014 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyLovers · 13/08/2014 19:54

The more I think about this, the crosser I am that the DH isn't stepping up more.

Original poster
vvviola · 13/08/2014 20:10

OnlyLover if I'm not cross with DH, why on earth would you be?

He genuinely can't regularly step away at that time of the day. He already arranges his day to start extra early so that he is finished early enough to be part of getting dinner ready/do bath time & story time etc. He would also arrange to be working from home those two days, which doesn't go down particularly well in his office

While he may be able to say he'll do it, 30 seconds before he walks out the door, something may happen that needs him to stay at his desk urgently. That's a level of uncertainty I don't need.

He's not expecting I do everything. He's rearranging as much as he can to cover my new hours, but there is only so much he can do.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 13/08/2014 20:26

Sorry, OP! I just thought, imagine a woman working from home whose day was so inflexible as to require extra childcare – and I couldn't imagine that.

But I'm willing to accept I'm being unfair.

In my defence though, others here have suggested that he take more part in it as well. That's partly what made me think about it.

Original poster
vvviola · 13/08/2014 20:44

Sorry OnlyLovers, I was a little harsh. It's early in the morning here and I'm not a morning person, so I was a bit defensive Blush

I just get a bit defensive because from the outside it often looks to people that I'm the one making all the effort for childcare/house etc, when in reality he does loads, is very hands on, and has taken a few major backwards steps in his career in order to follow me around to develop my career. I'm a bit touchy I guess. Blush

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 13/08/2014 21:17

No problem at all, vvviola, and I am sorry if I was unnecessarily harsh about your DH. He sounds like a good 'un. Smile

DeWee · 13/08/2014 21:43

How often would your dh not be able to do it?

If it's once a week/fortnight, then I think you need to look into a childminder.
If it really will be once a month, then I'd ask a few friends if they're willing to be on an emergency list that your dh can text/email out and get replies assuming.

I wouldn't ask directly as asking one to one does put people under pressure to say "yes" if they haven't any reason other than they don't want to. I'll do that sort of thing on fb, or text. "I'm working 2 days a week from next term, and picking dd up is going to be tricky Mondays and Wednesdays. I was wondering if anyone would like to share lifts, and fetch dd on those days and I'll take/fetch any other day. Dh is working from home so it really would be only walking her home."
That way no one person feels under pressure that you're asking them. You may find someone else who's wondering a similar thing.

Original poster
vvviola · 13/08/2014 22:59

It's really unpredictable DeWee, but probably once a fortnight - so definitely too often to be calling in random favours each time.

I've decided that I'll start asking around about childminders who might be willing to drop her home in addition to their usual mindees. I may start her in the ASC to give me a chance to look around more. I know our regular babysitter won't be able to do it because of the hours she studies, but I know she has friends who are studying part time who might be interested in a bit of money for taking a short walk with a chatty 7 year old Grin

I'll probably be starting the extra hours in 2 weeks time, so have a bit of time to search,

OP posts:
BramwellBrown · 13/08/2014 23:13

I have an arrangement like this with a mum at DD's school, I take her DD home twice a week, which is about a 2-3 minute detour halfway along our route home from school, in return her mum gives us a lift home if the weather's bad and will give DD a lift if her DC is going to the same party (I can't drive)

Ask by text or email so she has time to think about it/doesn't feel pressured, just be careful to word it in a way she feels she can say no.

dawnlight · 13/08/2014 23:31

just Ask.

I have regularly taken a neighbours child to school every day for the last 4 years. The neighbour returns the favour by putting our bins out, taking in parcels etc. I always give her lots of notice if I'm not going to be able do it. It works out fine.

Another neighbour sometimes asks if I can pick their child up for them in exactly the same situation you describe. Dad works from home but sometimes has conference calls. They ask as required and I do it if I can. They have other parents to call on too, and they return the favour for me if I am ever running late.

A friend at work needed a more reliable system and didn't feel able to repay in kind. She arranged to pay another mum to bring her children home from work 3 days a week.

Equally, I did, nicely, end an 'agreement' with a mum who was just taking the piss.

We're all juggling, and most of us are happy to help each other out. No one should be offended by you asking, and they can just say no if it's not convenient.

jamtoast12 · 13/08/2014 23:41

I wouldn't ask and would feel put on the spot by someone asking, also if I'm totally honest I'd be really miffed knowing the kids dad was sat at home!

Yes I get that he's working (my dh does on certain days too so understand commitments etc) but it's still cheeky for her to be restricted whilst he's at home. It's not so bad if he's working elsewhere but I'd be really embarrassed if I was him when she dropped off.

I get the work situation but many wouldn't. I'd be worried what people would say ....that I've got someone doing it cause dh won't (people will think that).

jamtoast12 · 13/08/2014 23:43

Think I'd rather do after school club than ask.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/08/2014 23:49

I'm intrigued, what does your dh do for a job?

Original poster
vvviola · 14/08/2014 00:01

He works in IT arethereanyleft (don't ask me what sort, it's all beyond me).

We may be sorted though. I think he has had a word with him boss and may be able to block out that time (which wasn't possible when he checked before I wonder what extra work or favour his boss wants from him that he changed his mind). Which means that only big emergency stuff could interfere, which tends to happen only once a month or so. In those cases we can either juggle, or get a last minute spot in the ASC, or one of the Mums may be happy to walk her home/bring her to their/wait in the playground with her until DH can get away for a few minutes (there's a few of us who regularly do that for each other).

We'll play it by ear for a month or so, and see how it works. If he's getting stuck too often, then we'll look into childcare or the ASC again.

OP posts: