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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to suggest/ask this re school run?

76 replies

vvviola · 13/08/2014 00:19

I've been offered extra hours at work. The money would be really useful, but childcare is a bit of a problem. At the moment I work part time, so I can pick up DD1 from school.

If I took on the extra hours I'd have to work later 2 days a week, so wouldn't be able to pick her up. DH can work from home those days, but he can't be sure he would be able to leave the house to pick her up (conference calls/time sensitive work).

WIBtotallyU to ask a school friend's Mum if she could bring her home those days? They love 2 minutes walk from us, so it wouldn't be very far out of her way. I would offer to bring her DD home from school on any of the other days of the week.

The girls are good friends and walk to school together most morning (we do a walking school bus, with parents taking it in turns to bring the children). This Mum is always willing to cover days when other parents are unable to do their scheduled day, so I'd hate to look as though I'm taking advantage. But obviously it would be a two-way thing. I wouldn't expect her to do it without offering to do the same in return.

And if I wouldn't be completely unreasonable to ask, should I text her so she has the opportunity to think about it without being put on the spot? Or is it better to ask face to face?

OP posts:
youmakemydreams · 13/08/2014 10:21

Like another poster I wouldn't mind being asked at all. I also would be more upset that you didn't ask for fear of offending. I am at the school gate every day anyway and have done this often for both people I know well and people I only know through school.
There have been times that I have said to the mum I was thinking of popping to granny's house or down to the shops shall I just take little darling with me and it has always been a yes I'll get them whenever your back. And it doesn't bother me having one extra on the go.

I would ask make it clear you know it's a huge commitment and that you will not be offended in the slightest if she is unable to commit. Text her if you feel you would put her on the spot face to face and explain that is why you're sending a text. You will need backup in place as well though.

For those who say working from home means you can nip off and collect. Can be true as that is one of the reasons I am at the school gate every day but the work I do now can be done any time as long as it is in by deadline. There were times before when I was mainly office based that I couldn't. I was expected to be at my desk and by the phone during office hours and couldn't have taken time out to go and collect dc from school. That is why I earn less now but it evens out because I have no childcare anymore.

Cheeky76890 · 13/08/2014 10:21

Well it will really restrict the other girl and mum. What if her DD wants to join in after school clubs or attend play dates elsewhere? I did this for a person I knew (not close friend) and it was a tie. Restrictive.

Are there any childminders at the school who could incorporate the journey as part of their day instead - it wouldn't cost much.

Cheeky76890 · 13/08/2014 10:22

She might feel obliged to say yes

Cheeky76890 · 13/08/2014 10:24

Asking a ta is a great idea and they would be able to feed any issues back to DH

jellybeans · 13/08/2014 10:28

I wouldn't to be honest. I would feel obliged too but would hate the commitment and being asked. If you pay her, that is different. It's stressful enough being there to pick your own child up, illness, different after school events etc. Also kids fall out and things like that could get annoying.

Also, if she is a SAHM she has given up wage etc but gets the benefits of picking her kids up everyday. If you work, you have your wage and it seems abit cheeky to me to also expect someone else going without the wage to pick up the slack and give free childcare. I would maybe ask if she thinks she knows of anyone would do it for 5 an hour and see if she offers. However she make still feel obliged if she is 'too nice' but inside be reluctant.

mrssmith79 · 13/08/2014 10:28

Just ask her - explain the situation and reassure her that she's under no obligation to say yes. May as well try the most obvious and easiest solution before you start tying yourself up in knots thinking about childminders, uni students, after school clubs, TAs and the likes.

redexpat · 13/08/2014 10:30

YWNBU to ask. YWBU to expect her to do it. I also think it would be very good idea to write some sort of contract. I think offering to walk home her DD is a good exchange.

8angle · 13/08/2014 10:30

I would just explain your situation and ask her. You can say you completely understand if it doesn't work for her. I don't think anyone minds being asked for help as long as there are no expectations. If she says she can't do it then start looking into alternative arrangements.

OnlyLovers · 13/08/2014 10:31

YANBU to ask. YWBU to expect her to help, but it's clear that you're not.

I'd ask face to face so that she could ask questions and you could discuss it, but I'd start the conversation by saying 'I don't expect a decision while I'm here; you can think about it for as long as you need once I've left, and call me or come round to ask any more questions' or something along those lines.

And yes, if she's heavily involved at the school then it's a great idea to ask her to ask around for you.

jellybeans · 13/08/2014 10:42

For me, offering to pick my DC up in exchange would not be wanted (unless emergency). I love picking DC up and want to do it everyday (sahm). Not everyone does but it is important to me. So you're not necessarily doing her a favour and should offer money as an option too.

tiggytape · 13/08/2014 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sneepy · 13/08/2014 10:57

I'd look into a childminder for those 2 days. How is her dad going to look after her if he's working? DH sometimes works from home and he absolutely can't mind the children while he's on calls. Id want reliable childcare.

Bouttimeforwine · 13/08/2014 11:01

I agree that childcare might be necessary rather than just the school run needing covering

Original poster
vvviola · 13/08/2014 11:29

Sneepy it would only be an hour until I get home. DD is well capable of grabbing some fruit, changing out of her uniform and watching some tv until I get home. DH has a home office, so she doesn't have to sit silently. He's looked after her before when working (he works Saturday mornings, and sometimes I need to take DD2 places) and she's pretty good.

It literally is just the walk home, but I do accept how limiting it could be to have to do it on set days every week.

OP posts:
Kerberos · 13/08/2014 11:38

I agree with jellybeans. The reason I work part time is so that I can collect my children from school. It's important to me to be able to do that and it wouldn't be a favour to bring them home for me.

You should pay someone to bring her home.

Original poster
vvviola · 13/08/2014 11:55

Cheeky we don't have TA's in our school (NZ, so a bit different to the UK), or that would have been a great starting point.

OP posts:
missnevermind · 13/08/2014 11:57

For the last 12 months I have taken somebody else's children to school. And she has brought mine home.
She is able to get to work early and I get the afternoon off Grin
Win win all round. We are just waiting to see how this next year pans out as I have another child starting. But I will still take hers in the mornings.

PicaK · 13/08/2014 11:59

Another SAHM here who would never turn down an ad hoc request to help a mate but wouldn't want a regular commitment. I do without a wage so I can do the school run. So again a reciprocal arrangement wouldn't be of interest. And as other people say having the freedom to do x or y after school is really important to me too.

How would your husband answer the door if he's chained to the phone. How will she feel if she sees one of her parents and it's all "shhh I don't want to talk to you". Will he just wave silently at dropping off mum?

For the sake of friendship I wouldn't ask.

Original poster
vvviola · 13/08/2014 12:12

Cordless phone Pica Grin

It's 5 steps from his office to the door, he could wave, smile and mouth "thank you" to her (which, in fact is exactly what this woman's husband has done to me when I've dropped their daughter home recently).

But yes, I accept that the reciprocal arrangement may not work for her, and I'm pretty sure I won't ask - but will ask if there is somewhere to advertise/whether she knows of a childminder in the area who might be interested. If she then offers, then I can talk about reciprocal arrangement/backup plans etc etc

OP posts:
KylieAteMyHamster · 13/08/2014 12:21

I D

morethanpotatoprints · 13/08/2014 12:24

I am a sahm and my dd is H.ed
I have an arrangement with schooled friends parents that I will cover inset days and bad weather closures in return for the odd evening baby sitting so me and dh can go out for birthdays or anniversaries or just a night out.
We make sure we are back not too late and we keep a track of hours covered for each other.
So if a sahm wouldn't need a pick up exchange you could always offer an evening cover.

KylieAteMyHamster · 13/08/2014 12:25

Try again... I don't think you'd be unreasonable to ask at all as long as you're prepared that she might say no. Personally, if I was your neighbour I would be very happy to help with the proviso that if I couldn't do it one day, I would say so.

Slightly off-topic, but it's interesting that some posters say they would feel obliged to say yes even if they didn't want to do it. Have you read about Ask and Guess culture? It's interesting (in my opinion!) 99u.com/workbook/21895/are-you-an-asker-or-a-guesser

Cheeky76890 · 13/08/2014 12:26

By asking her if she knows a childminder, you are still in a round about way putting the responsibility on to her to resolve the issue because its likely she might still feel obliged to help.

Can't you just do your own research? Post the question about childminders Facebook or ask the school directly if they know of any.

WanttogotoDisney · 13/08/2014 12:28

She can always say no so there is no harm in asking. Loads of people do school run rotas around here.

chrome100 · 13/08/2014 12:36

If the school is 2 mins walk away surely your 7 year old can do it by themselves?

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