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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not specifically encourage DD to only date rich blokes when she's older?

72 replies

erineve · 12/08/2014 18:15

DD is 15. Someone I know has a 20 year old DD. She has always encouraged her DD to make sure she settles down with someone who is well off financially. Her DD has now just had a baby with a man who is almost twice her age, and the mum is happy because she sees this man as rich. He has a business, a land rover, a fairly large house with a pool etc, and those things seemed to be the main thing that the mum and her DD are bothered about.

Similarly I was at school with two sisters whose mum went on at them all the time about only dating rich men, and both ended up marrying men that are well off. I don't think they would have dared to settle down with someone who wasn't wealthy!

The woman with the 20 year old seems to think that anyone who doesn't encourage their DD to marry well is weird. My main concern is that DD is a) happy and b) that she ends up with someone that treats her well. Money doesn't really come into it, does it?

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 12/08/2014 19:06

I don't think it's realistic to say that money doesn't come into it. Life can be pretty miserable when you have none, so I will be encouraging my children to find relationships with people who have a strong work ethic and prospects.

I happen to have sons, so I will also be warning them about girls who care more about money then they do about them.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 12/08/2014 19:07

Is this woman otherwise known as Mrs Bennett?

In my first job out of university, I worked with a woman who told us about how she had always encouraged her DD to go on dates with boys from the local private school, how delighted that her daughter had gone to LSE "where they all go into the city and earn loads" blah blah blah. And then around the time that her daughter graduated went quiet.

I met her daughter at a wedding a year or so back. Her daughter has a lovely partner whom she did indeed meet at the LSE. Partner is a) a charity worker and b) female.

museumum · 12/08/2014 19:08

I would encourage my ds (don't have a dd) to find a partner who is kind, and caring, and not a layabout waster or an idiot with money. Same as I'd tell my dd if I had one.

If they marry somebody who is passionate about a low-paying field (community work or caring) or wants to be a sahp or is disabled then I'd be just as happy as if they marry a high earner.

If they marry a lazy no-good it doesn't matter how much money they have they'll still be no good.

AdoraBell · 12/08/2014 19:14

In my extended family there is a parent who encouraged the DDs to marry a rich man and have babies. Even said it to my DDs when they were 1 yrAngry. Their DD started Uni but dropped out because no one fancied her.

And the parents cannot see the connection.

YANBU OP

frames · 12/08/2014 19:17

A m

frames · 12/08/2014 19:19

A man of 40 should not need his mum to fend off golddiggers. I am sure he is very happy with a young wife and new baby.

believeintheshield · 12/08/2014 19:22

My DH is a SAHD who contributes nothing to the household funds. He's a fantastic dad and husband and I wouldn't have it any other way. What a shame that your friend's DD had been encouraged to look for money over other, much more important attributes. Seems like a bizarre approach to take to me. I'd rather my DCs learn to support themselves in their own right and think about finding someone they love to settle down with when the time comes.

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 12/08/2014 19:31

I agree with a pp that having a baby with a man to whom you are not married is the very opposite of prudent unless he's so staggeringly wealthy that he can afford to pay huge paternity payments out of petty cash (but even then he might not - look at Steve Jobs).

Namechangearoonie123 · 12/08/2014 19:35

I have some sympathy with that point of view given how little young people are going to have in the way of owning a house, being able to afford children.

I disagree with it from a feminist point of view but from a practical or utilitarian point of view marrying or having children with someone older than you is usually better money wise.

There's a gap between dh and me. I brought a deposit from a house sale to the relationship, he'd still be living in his mums spare room even though he earns well if it wasn't for that deposit.

Muddlewitch · 12/08/2014 19:40

This drives me mad!

DD2 loves shoes and the amount of people that tell her she needs to marry a rich man to but her them when she is older is maddening! I always smile and say "she'll get a good job and buy her own" or words to that effect.

Agree with PPs that marrying someone with the same with the same values as you is important but being rich is not, at all.

whatever5 · 12/08/2014 19:40

I wouldn't specifically encourage my dd to date any type of person. I'm sure they will be able to make about their own minds. I would be quite pleased if they married someone well off though and certainly less happy if they married someone who didn't have a job or qualifications.

FabulousFudge · 12/08/2014 19:54

You should encourage her to get a good job and make her eon money, as other have said. Then she will have lots of choices and options!

Snapespotions · 12/08/2014 20:00

I will be encouraging my dd to be financially independent.

whois · 12/08/2014 20:01

Not rich, but defo don't date dead beat losers who don't have a good work ethic and general pro-active attitude. WAY too many cock lodger or lazy-at-home threads on here.

MexicanSpringtime · 12/08/2014 20:05

Sounds like a form of prostitution to me. although prostitutes have more freedom

DaisyFlowerChain · 12/08/2014 20:27

Mexican, never looked at it like that but that's very true.

Surely we should teach both sexes to work hard and self support, that way they are equals. Both men and women can be leaches or lazy.

mum9876 · 12/08/2014 21:46

I remember a friend saying she would only date a millionaire when I was about 20. A male friend replied - well you might meet one, but what would he see in you?

It's shallow in the extreme.

I like an equal partnership where you work together for success myself.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/08/2014 06:01

Importance of marrying well - absolutely. I agree with you OP though, it's not about money, it's compatibility, respect etc etc.

DH and I are both good earners, broadly equally so. I think I'd struggle with someone who was significantly richer than me if it led to a mis-match in lifestyle/expectations etc. If DH or I won the lottery (unlikely given that we don't buy tickets) I suppose I'd see that as joint money.

I agree that having a baby with a richer partner without getting married first is a poor step financially.

nooka · 13/08/2014 06:12

I give my son and daughter pretty much the same advice about relationships. Having similar values is I think fundamentally the most important thing once you are past the basics of love, respect, friendship etc. dh and I have never argued about parenting, but we sure have argued about money. My sister and her dh don't argue about money but they do about parenting. I'd like my children not to argue about either with any partners they may later acquire, but really it's their choice, I don't expect to have very much say in their choices.

HicDraconis · 13/08/2014 06:18

Agree with previous that marrying a man with a similar attitude to finances is a good idea - in terms of risk strategies, saving and spending, etc. There are lots of threads regarding people married to someone who is either rubbish with money or miserly with it and neither is a good balance.

However I made sure I was financially independent well before I met DH. He was working at the time but gave up work to stay at home with the children and for the last 8 years hasn't had a salaried job - that's my responsibility for the family. If I'd only looked for a Rich Man then I wouldn't have the amazing relationship I currently have and I'd be a damn sight worse off. That said, we both have the same ideas regarding arrangement and management of our finances, bringing up our children and where we are going with our lives, so the nitty gritty of exactly who does what and who earns which is largely irrelevant as long as someone does it!

Chiana · 13/08/2014 06:32

OP, your friend sounds like Mrs Bennet. Being obsessed with how much money a daughter's future husband has is fine for a Jane Austen novel, but in the 21st frelling century? I don't THINK so!

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 13/08/2014 08:04

Hm.

My brothers and I have without exception married women with greater earning power. We all worked until the births and then did SAHD for as long as it took. In my case that was about 2 years.

We're pretty good at housework, but then DM had very big fists.

shaska · 13/08/2014 08:43

You know, I never even considered a partners actual earnings - general ambition and work ethic yes maybe in a sort of subconscious way, but earnings, no. I also never considered that anyone would, but have to say that over the years I've been surprised at the number of friends I have where it's gradually become clear, in various ways, that the jobs they had before meeting their DHs were sort of placeholders, as they waited to be able to stop working and have the DH provide. I'm not talking about people who decide for financial/logistical/personal reasons to become SAHMs, but a fairly clear sense that 'the man will earn the money'. And with that, I suppose I have to see that probably the earnings of said man were some kind of consideration to at least some of them. These are not 50s types, either! I do find it surprising.

I'll be advising the DCs that life is easier if their partner has a good work ethic and drive - and that life is MUCH easier if they have the same!

QisforQcumber · 13/08/2014 09:21

I think it was Oprah Winfrey who said "Everyone wants to ride with you in the limo, but who you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down".

I have seem a lot of my parents very wealthy friends fall on hard times recently, often through no fault of their own. I tend to follow my Dads advice "Q, don't count your chickens before they have hatched". The OPS friends daughter may do well to heed that advice.....

Gingermuffin · 13/08/2014 09:28

When my mum and dad got married they were both skint, they worked hard and they saved. My dad started his own business and worked his bum off and now they are more than comfortably well off with a lovely big house and a couple of cruises a year. They are still together enjoying the fruits of their labour together because they married for the right reasons in the first place and money didn't come into it. I also know people who married for money, got miserable, pissed it all up the wall and ended up bankrupt. I am currently quite skint and really happy with my partner and my DS, one day we will hopefully have more money when DPs business gets of the ground and I go back to work but even if not I'd rather be happy and skint with them than rich with anyone else.

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