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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to slap this 'friend'

79 replies

CundtBake · 12/08/2014 09:14

Ok, Facebook related please forgive me.

Following the sad news of Robin Williams death someone who I am friendly with posted a status calling him a coward, saying anyone who tries to kill them self is a coward and an idiot.

I texted him saying he was out of order, clearly has no idea what he's talking about and needs to educate himself and stop being a prick. He replied 'it's not new news I've always been honest on my opinions on this subject'

I was sectioned a few years ago after struggling severely with depression and anxiety and trying to kill myself numerous times. But even if I hadn't AIBU to think he's an idiot and not want to be friendly with him anymore?

OP posts:
zeezeek · 12/08/2014 12:40

I lost someone I loved very much through suicide and of course I was angry with him for leaving me. But he was ill and couldn't help the way he felt, no-one could help him even though we all tried. I believe, for him, that it got to the point where suicide was the only option because his life was unbearable and he genuinely believed that he and everyone else would be better off without him.

Taking your own life is not cowardly, but unless you have been in that position and had those thoughts, then you don't know what it is like. I would not wish that pain on anyone and I really hope that people who are severely depressed are able to get the help they need; but for some people all the help, medication and support in the world is not going to change the outcome.

I think that the main reason why, as a society, we have this attitude towards suicide is that outwardly we see these people as healthy - but depression is an illness, just like cancer, heart disease and so on.

All we can hope for is that Robin Williams, my fiance and all the others who take their own lives somehow manage to find the peace in death that they didn't find in life.

AdamLambsbreath · 12/08/2014 12:42

It may be worth remembering, also, that those who kill themselves often feel that they are such a burden on those they love and such a pointless, needy person that the people close to them will be better off without them.

It's not a selfish thought process. It's just the opposite: people get so low and loathe themselves so much that they see no point in themselves continuing to be in the world.

AdamLambsbreath · 12/08/2014 12:43

X-post, zee.

TheTravellingLemon · 12/08/2014 12:47

I agree about radio 4 extra, so soothing and good company.

Nomama I am so sorry you went through that. I have lost someone to suicide and the grief is complicated and unique. The impact on our family was absolutely devastating, far more wide reaching than any 'normal' bereavements we may have suffered. We are still dealing with it so many years later and will be for many years to come I imagine.

wonderingsoul · 12/08/2014 12:50

It is selfish iml.. but that doesn't mean I don't have empathy for people who do.

My best friend killed her self and it kills me the night she called me but I couldn't get to her.

I don't blame her, I just wish she hadn't of done jt.

You have to be in a very dark place tonecen think it.

PurpleFeather · 12/08/2014 12:52

What an idiot.

Depression is an illness, just like any other illness.

Does he think people who die of cancer are cowards, too?

If this were my "friend" I would tell him in no uncertain terms that the friendship is over.

scarletoconnor · 12/08/2014 12:58

I just love how wankerish people making wankerish comments always justify themselves by using lines such as 'I'm honest about my opinions / I'd tell her to her face' etc like that is justification for being an arsehole and saying judgemental nasty things.

The guy sounds like a prize idiot

Tinkerball · 12/08/2014 13:00

Suicide is an emotive subject and sadly there are people like your friend around who believe this, yes whilst people who successfully commit suicide aren't thinking about the people left behind but this is generally because they are ill and not thinking rationally eg they would be better off without them. Or the pain is just too much to live with. It's all desperately sad.

AdamLambsbreath · 12/08/2014 13:04

YY scarlet.

In the same category are 'Speak as I find' and 'Call a spade a spade'.

Once any of the above is trotted out, you know it's only a matter of time.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/08/2014 13:36

Do bear in mind, though, that while we are talking about the need to be kind to one another, if you know someone has been bereaved by a suicide then their expressions of anger and disgust towards another suicide may well be coming from pain rather than cruelty. Rage and a degree of aggressiveness, or at least verbal aggression, can be part of grieving for some people and being able to express that rage about a dead celebrity that they have no personal connection with might be a helpful outlet.

Meow75 · 12/08/2014 14:16

Yes, that's how I feel.

I had to give up my job in Dec because I wasn't coping. So now, as well as feeling depressed because I wasn't good enough at my job, I am now dealing with the fact that I now don't have a job and my 6 months of JSA has gone.

I'm not contributing to my household (me, DH - and 2 cats), and this saddens me further. My DH would be better off striking out alone, with his good salary he'd be fine. With me around, not so much.

That's the way my thoughts have gone today.

AlexVause82 · 12/08/2014 14:28

I personally think that suicide is the complete opposite of cowardly.

To have struggled that far already and then have the courage to end everything you have known, to make that choice to end your life...its beyond brave.

Not that I agree with suicide, I think it's awful that people believe the only way out is to end their life

maddy68 · 12/08/2014 14:28

Yes he is ignorant but you don't know what personal experience he has of this. I have personal experience of suicide and while I do understand the problems with depression I do think that it is a selfish act. The impact on those left is unsumountable.

It is his personal view as it is mine. It's a tragedy when anyone commits sucide

m0therofdragons · 12/08/2014 14:34

He's insensitive but as someone who has never suffered from depression I find it very difficult to understand. I have a few friends who have suffered so now have a bit more understanding but only because I've chosen to learn more. I really don't get it. This isn't because I'm a nasty person it's just the nature of the disease and for those of us with no experience, it is hard.

JellyDiamond · 12/08/2014 14:38

I had to delete people from my friends lists after they made similar comments following the death of Gary Speed. These people are just ignorant cunts (sorry I rarely use that word, but in this case I think it's valid), who've clearly never experienced depression.

moldingsunbeams · 12/08/2014 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ADHDNoodles · 12/08/2014 14:42

Yes, I've gotten one idiot saying that only stupid people commit suicide and smart people get over depression. He's not really the brightest bulb anyway, why my friend is with him is beyond me.

But, I find that generally when you react with anger it's because it touches a nerve. Whether you're angry about that part of yourself or angry about loving a losed one to suicide.

AdamLambsbreath · 12/08/2014 15:23

How was the knitting, Meow?

Is it helpful to read the responses? I hope it's not a massive downer. I confess that after you said you'd settled down with the pain au chocolat I kind of hoped you wouldn't come back, because it's a bit of a grim discussion. Not that I didn't want to hear from you, natch! Smile

I've been unemployed for six months after being sacked for having a miscarriage (had to tell the boss cos I ended up un hospital, and he got rid of me because I'd 'only get pregnant again'). So yeah. I know what it's like. I often feel like DH 'must' be annoyed with me because he's paying for me, or that it's my fault for working in a backwards male-dominated industry.

But he often reminds me this is nonsense.

Your DH married you. He loves you, not for what you do, but who you are. Balls to the job.

Thanks
Iwasinamandbunit · 12/08/2014 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brownhairbrowneyes · 12/08/2014 17:29

My mum wasn't a coward, she was a solider for many years for the British army and then brought three children up on her own on a rough council estate in South London, unfortunately she the one thing she wasn't strong enough to fight was depression.
We lost her 3 years ago and today has really brought it back, thinking of the utter devastation his children will now be feeling.

Hope every one suffering on this thread finds a bit of peace at some point.

ButtonBoo · 12/08/2014 17:41

I think we might have the same friend OP!

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/08/2014 18:23

YANBU at all. I had strong words with a relative who expressed similar thoughts recently. He is a lovely person, but just really unaware of what mental health problems can do to you - he now totally gets it. The fact that this douche stood his ground when you pointed out that he was being stupid is the worst part IMO.

A family friend killed himself a few years ago - he left plans for a lovely funeral and wake, obviously failing to foresee that everyone would be too upset to enjoy the "party" he'd planned :( So fucking sad that people in this condition genuinely think that they are so worthless they won't break everyone's hearts if they go.

I would hate those on here feeling similar to think that this feeling will never end. I do want to say that I know A LOT, really a lot, of people who have suffered horribly with depression, eating disorders and bipolar etc, and they are all doing amazingly well now. It's wonderful to see.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 12/08/2014 18:31

My DMum committed suicide. Coward was the last thing she was.

flyingtrue · 12/08/2014 19:18

YANBU OP. he's an idiot and now he's shown you where his opinions lie and told you he'll continue voicing them (which is his right on his fb, however nasty) then defriending him would be the best option.

IS he speaking from a place of personal knowledge? As in affected by someone committing suicide and deeply angry? Or does he just toss out opinions?

Mummytoagorgeouschops · 12/08/2014 20:27

He IS an idiot. I don't think that there are many people on this planet whose lives haven't been touched by a destructive mental illness like depression at some point, be it a parent/grandparent/child/ friend etc etc.

My grandad seemingly had it all. He was a much admired suckler cow and bull breeder in our area as well as a generally lovely, lovely natured man - no one had a bad word to say about him. He was generous, compassionate an hardworking. He built up a decent estate but he worked his way up from the bottom.

He had always suffered with depression. It wasnt obvious, it wasnt made up - it was just there, a part of him.
We had incidences of having to lock his gun away from him, lock prescription drugs/pain killers etc away from him. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was put into a care ward to give my gran some respite. He tried to jump off the top floor but was stopped. He died some 48 hours later.

Your friend is a twunt.