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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how many real friends you have?

59 replies

Froggio · 11/08/2014 23:36

I only have a couple now that I can honestly say I enjoy the company of. I think I'm turning into such a grumpy old woman but all my friends seem to piss me off nowadays and I can't be arsed to keep in touch with them.
My best friend has turned into a big snob, is self obsessed and is married to a right arse. They stealth boasts on FB all the time it drives me mad. I know I know, I don't have to look at FB. We had another couple round yesterday and I couldn't wait for them to go. They talked non-stop, didn't listen, their kids were a nightmare and it ended in tears as she accused him of having an affair. I dislike another because she made a rude comment or 2 about my DH when he was going thru a rough patch of depression. Another is really flakey about keeping time, always complains about being so busy and is so self-obsessed.
Is it just me? It makes me so sad as I used to be a really sociable person but people just annoy me nowadays. The only people I like are my own children, a few of my family, and DH (and sometimes not even him!). But I dont want to be old and lonely!

OP posts:
beccajoh · 12/08/2014 10:05

Very few actual friends (people I'd turn too in an emergency), maybe 6-7 people, but plenty of people who I'm friendly with, other mums, my wider group of acquaintances whom I see at weddings and other events a few times a year.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 12/08/2014 10:08

Iots of friends but no one as close as dh.

He's my best friend

MumBoots · 12/08/2014 10:09

I have two friends from school who are like sisters to me. They piss me off from time to time, but there is a pretty much unconditional love between us and we have all been there for each other through tough times (there have been a few!). I also have a friend from my first job that I count as a best friend. These three are the ones I would call at 3am.

I have another close friend from school who now lives abroad and our lives are quite distant and separate, but she visits the UK once or twice a year and when we meet its like we only saw each other yesterday.

Other than that, I have people I meet up with and chat to. I have a couple of 'specials needs mum' friends (DS is autistic) who are the only people who really understand the stress and we can have a cry and rant at any time. I have a mum friend from DD's school who is lovely and we do each other childcare favours and are generally there for each other for a chat and moan most days.

I also have a good male friend from an old job who I only see occasionally but talk to via text regularly.

That has made me feel quite good, typing that out. I am quite an introverted person, really, and dont see myself as someone with lots of friends.

gordyslovesheep · 12/08/2014 10:11

really close close friends who know all my secrets ... 4

lovely close mates I do stuff with about 14

friends - lots!

whois · 12/08/2014 11:22

One 'best friend' if do anything for, feel like she is more like a sister than a friend. My feelings are more family than friend towards her I think.

Another very very close friend.

4 or 5 good friends.

Then a few more concentric circle of decreasing closeness but people who I see regularly and enjoy their company. Probably another 10 to 12 people in this 'I like and we have fun but I wouldn't call you in an Emergancy' classification.

cakecake · 12/08/2014 11:27

I would say I have about 10 good friends that speak to/ see regularly. Plenty more people that I get on well with but wouldn't actively seek them out to spend time with them. I think I am a person that has some very close friends opposed to a lot of acquaintances.

confusedgirlfromtheShire · 12/08/2014 11:50

Different friends fulfil different needs. I think of it as a circle radiating out from me at the middle. Actually, I see someone has posted pretty much the same above 30 minutes ago! There is my innermost circle - DH and 2 others. They know everything, they've seen me at my worst, our shared history goes back years. They will always be my friends because they know too much! Then are the "other" really good friends - I have maybe 4 of them. These two groups are my "true friends".

Then there are the main group from different walks of life that I can spend a great evening or afternoon with (probably as part of a group rather than one on one) but probably I wouldn't call them at 3am with a crisis. I like them and they like me but we are not deeply interested/invested in each other. Because there are quite a few I don't really have the capacity to "bring them all in" to the same degree as the closest friends. I'd probably put 20 people in this category. Other than that I have quite a lot of "good" acquaintances (40?), work colleagues, neighbours who I am friendly with etc on the periphery.

Point is I NEED the first group, I now have them, and it's enough for me. But I like to have a good few in the outer groups, and these friends are much easier to make, ie any "gap" here is easier to fill. This sounds a bit weird, I know. I don't conduct formal interviews or analyse it like this often!!

Maybe the outer circle is where your real "gap" is, OP??

milliemoon · 12/08/2014 14:32

These days I find it very hard to trust my friends. I've had several good friends who have just terminated the friendship without a reason throughout my life and I find it hard to deal with. I believe I am a loyal friend and would be for life so I just don't understand it. As a result I think there's always a part of me that doesn't open up to my friends. It's not their fault but to me it feels like a self preservation thing

ShyPhilosopher · 12/08/2014 15:06

It's just me & my husband - social anxiety gets in the way of making friends & I no longer live in my home town. I have a few online friends, but even those aren't that close.

Thefishewife · 12/08/2014 15:14

1 to be honest and I may not even have her for long I am moving she can't drive and it's quite far

I have a difficult personality and don't suffer fools easily
My husband has no friends at all

I am hoping this move may give us a chance to open us all up

Thefishewife · 12/08/2014 15:18

I am not very exciting
I find lateness difficult
And the sun makes me poorly
I also find it difficult to have people in my home
And when ever I organise anything either no one shows or it comes off poorly.

So I have now expected I will have the one friend or may be none for the rest of my life

I8toys · 12/08/2014 15:29

Just my husband really. I find maintaining friendships exhausting and loads of friends have fallen by the way side - hard to maintain when life changes. I am an only child so very comfortable with my own company and being solitary. I can be the life and soul of the party when I want to but find certain social situations very draining. I have never understood the need for others to constantly have other people around the house when they are married with children.

mrscumberbatch · 12/08/2014 15:33

I have no close friends through choice... If I was in a bind I think there are about 3 or 4 people that would go out of their way for me though.

moldingsunbeams · 12/08/2014 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pugaboo · 12/08/2014 15:46

I have a lot of "mates" (and used to have a lot more), but few close friends. Even the close ones I rarely see. It is lonely sometimes.

rainbowdance · 12/08/2014 15:55

I used to have plenty of friends but all at different stages of my life. School friends at school, college friends at college, work friends at work, friends made through my only child at Playgroup, then school. I lost touch with each set as I moved house or moved on. Now child is 17 and I haven't had any friends for the last couple of years, mainly due to a chronic illness I find it difficult to socialise. I have close family living nearby who I see most weeks and my husband is my best friend. Too much hassle having friends I think as I always worried about letting them down if I was ill at the last minute. I am happy with my own company or with my dog! :)

meconiumhappens · 12/08/2014 16:59

Just this week im feeling a bit sorry for myself, I feel like some of my old friendships are falling by the wayside and im a bit lonely. Have never felt like this before and its not great. I think the crux of it is that my totally best all time friend and me are growing apart due to a total opposite way of parenting causing tension. I guess it ups and downs of life.

burgesshillmama · 12/08/2014 17:11

I was actually mulling this over to myself today. I would love to have more friends but I find it hard to make new ones and over the years have drifted away from a lot of my old friends as circumstances have changed, have moved different counties etc. I would say I have one close friend. I have no friends at work.

NoPointSoup · 12/08/2014 17:14

Froggio- Totally agree that I'm worried it's something that's happening as I get older. My DM (is that an abbreviation?! I don't come here often!!!) mother, anyway, has ditched all her 'friends' over the years and I'm terrified I'll end up the same. But now I'm starting to sympathise with her: some people are just a nightmare: principally going on about how wonderful their children/job/lifestyle are to try and compensate for something lacking in their lives. Or, as some others have said, they're always falling out with people so that you have to tread a thin line to avoid being dragged into their disputes. Most of these are based around whose kid was mean to whose, or which kids should or should not be in the football team or set 1 for Maths!!! Arghhhhh! Obviously I'm a rubbish friend too... I know I can't be bothered with people, am intolerant of their DHs/DPs . Just worried it gets harder to get on with people as you get older, and that's when you need your friends most!!! (I am in my 'mid' 40s!)

graysquirrel · 12/08/2014 18:50

I have never had many close friends. Was always the third wheel in school so always part of a wider circle but never anyone's first choice as a friend. This carried on through my uni and work life.
However since having children it has gotten worse. Majority of circle of friends don't have or want children so I'm frequently not included in girl's holidays, nights out, spa breaks under the assumption I can't now do anything social now I'm a mum. However I have a living husband who encourages me to have some 'me time'. Truth is I've never felt so lonely.

PurplePidjin · 12/08/2014 18:57

I have 3 Friends - people I would trust to look after my child overnight, would help me lay the metaphorical new patio etc.

I then have varying degrees of acquaintanceship. Other mums of same-aged children and whose company I enjoy to a greater or lesser degree, people I used to drink with when the local pub had live music, old school pals I like enough to still be in touch with, ex-work colleagues. Basically, people I would happily buy a pint for but wouldn't necessarily bare my soul at.

I think the dreaded Farcebook would say I had a lot of friends. But it depends how you define friendship tbh

Scarletohello · 12/08/2014 19:04

It depends how you define friend. If it's someone that has been there for you when you really needed them, I would say 3. Lots of acquaintances and people who I thought were friends but were utter shits when I was dealing with a lot if traumatic events. It really showed me who my friends really were. Saddens me that people that I'd gone out of my way to help could behave so appallingly but in hindsight I guess the signs were there all the time. Am so very grateful for the people that I do have tho. As I get older I cherish my long term friendships. Men come and go but a good friend is worth their weight in gold.

Delphiniumsblue · 12/08/2014 19:11

I have about 10 who are really good friends that I could count on and would be pleased to see me if I wanted to call in. I probably have another 10 that I don't see much of, but we could pick up easily. Lots of acquaintances and groups I belong to.

Scarletohello · 12/08/2014 19:14

This thread has made me feel really sad about how lonely I feel now and how many friends have fallen by the wayside over the years. Sad

Oblomov · 12/08/2014 19:15

A few. I have 3 close - my best friend, my closest friend from school and one other, from my PNG. I can and do tell them EVERYTHING.

I crave close friendships. I want to know the real person. I want them to know the real me. I want them to feel they can tell me anything. And I feel the need to share.

Recently, the most awful thing in my life happened to me.

I shared it with the 3 people above and my mum. Who is THE most important person.

I couldn't have survived without them.