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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have DS in a routine?

34 replies

NeedaNC · 11/08/2014 22:00

DS is coming up 6 weeks now and I don't have him in any sort of routine. He feeds when he's hungry and sleeps when he is tired, so far he seems to have a loose routine of hungry and sleepy times that he's set himself. It's not causing me any problems so far with my other DS being on school holidays, the 3 of us are getting on fine.
I had DS1 in a firm Gina Ford routine as a baby and have expressed to DP plenty of times how much I regret being so rigid with it and won't be doing it again.
Now he's going on all annoyed cos I've not put DS2 in a routine when he would prefer he was.

Tell me honestly, as he is also DSs parent, should I be striving to accommodate his wishes? I'm a SAHM and do 99% of the childcare for DS2 (I'm happy with that), DP does equal amounts with DS1 when home.

OP posts:

HaroldLloyd · 11/08/2014 22:02

Not at all, I've not done routines with either apart from a rough isn nap time and bed time and it's fine.

Whatever works for you, some people like to have the routine in place but I would have found it a bit restrictive with going out, and it would be much harder with an older child anyway.

I also think it's normal to have a few arguments at this stage with the sleep being disturbed etc.

NormHonal · 11/08/2014 22:03

Do what feels right to you. Trust your instincts.

Neither of my DCs responded well to my attempts to put them in a firm routine. It caused me no end of frustration and tears.

Much happier after going with the flow. Not tied to the house at nap time, etc.

Other babies are different!

HaroldLloyd · 11/08/2014 22:04

Sorry that doesn't really answer your question, presumably you will be on maternity leave and so doing most of the day time care anyway? So I think you need to do what suits you in that respect.

notadoctor · 11/08/2014 22:06

I think at 6wks it's fine not to have a routine - especially for a second child. I think DC2 need to be adaptable/ flexible and fit in with family life. My DC2 is just over 4 months and I'm just staying to settle him into a routine now.

Original poster

NeedaNC · 11/08/2014 22:06

I feel fine not having him under any rules of when to feed and nap. DP for some reason thinks it's vitally important even though he won't be the one enforcing any of it.

Sleep isn't that bad tbh. He wakes twice in the night and doesn't fuss much. DP works away half the week so gets a full night sleep then.

I think he's just being a dick.

OP posts:

Choochootrain1 · 11/08/2014 22:11

Take cues from the baby, each is different. I had one who was mega easy and I could pretty much get away with what would send some mothers green with envy... Through the night at 8weeks and slept in till 10am happily!

But I spent time staying around babies with perfectly caring parents who just were difficult in comparison and needed the stricter routine of life so sadly can't attribute my super contented child to my excellent parenting - it was just luck.

Go with what works best with your baby

ICanSeeTheSun · 11/08/2014 22:11

A 6 week old does not have any rational thought in what you are trying to achieve, I do not believe a 6 week old can be in a routine.

NumTumDeDum · 11/08/2014 22:11

They're all so different. I was the same - first baby gina fordesque routine but - and this is the key thing - my dd responded well to it and thrived with the routine. Ds. Well, as far as he's concerned routine is a dirty word, sleep is for wimps and you can all fit round me thank you very much. I tried routine with him - he did not respond well so I eventually let him lead and got a lot more sleep. My mum and sister have been highly critical, but tough. They don't live it, and it works for me. It is so difficult when your closest people are not supporting you.

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 11/08/2014 22:14

I think you are being perfectly rational for a new baby - and bear in mind even Gina had to write a special book about how to fit a routine around an older child. It's a darn sight harder.

I think, if you do most of the childcare, you get final say. But I also think your DH needs to explain why he thinks it is important.

callamia · 11/08/2014 22:14

We didn't approach a routine until DS started to make it clear that he needed to be go to bed, where it was quiet, by about 7:30 in the evening. He also switched and changed it around a bit to fit growth spurts and cluster-feeds and everything else that happens to small babies. He kind of enforced his own 'routine' in the end, but it's no more a routine that I have for myself.

NumTumDeDum · 11/08/2014 22:14

Just read your second post Needa - I'd agree with that assessment. Twice a night is good going. Stick to your guns in that case.

PerpendicularVincenzo · 11/08/2014 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NeedaNC · 11/08/2014 22:18

That's the thing, he can't answer what sort of routine he wants and why. He just knows he wants me feeding at a set time and baby sleeping on the dot of what the routine says. How the chuff are you meant to achieve that with a lively 4 year old running round who would tear the house down as soon as your back is turned? It's just stress I don't want at the moment.

OP posts:

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 11/08/2014 22:19

Then, quite frankly, I think he's being a bit of an arse and doesn't want his life to be disrupted by the new baby.

HaroldLloyd · 11/08/2014 22:19

I don't think you can with an older child to be honest. You've got too many variables, pick ups, drop offs.

Plus you just can't guarantee they will even take to it that well.

RedPony · 11/08/2014 22:20

Yanbu. My Ds is 5 weeks old and we don't have a routine despite lots of know it alls telling us we need one
We get along just fine. He wakes up once (sometimes twice in the night and feeds and sleeps whenever he wants in the day.

HaroldLloyd · 11/08/2014 22:21

If he is away half of the week and your on your own tell him to fuck right off! You have got enough on your plate without him grizzling too.

ChoccaDoobie · 11/08/2014 22:26

I understand how you feel. I put dd in a routine and swore I wouldn't be so rigid with my next Dc, mind you it suited her and she was happy. I actually never had another Dc but I had looked forward to being more relaxed next time around.

ADHDNoodles · 11/08/2014 22:29

Babies and routines.

I swore when DD was born we'd have a routine for her. We do. But she set it, not us. We just got lucky that she decided that her routine was to sleep 5 hours at a time through the night.

You can't teach a baby routine. The best we can do is not interact with her at night so she knows its quiet time and goes back to sleep after we feed her. But we've tried the be loud during the day, quiet at night and it only resulted in a cranky baby when she didn't get her day naps.

Original poster

NeedaNC · 11/08/2014 22:31

My thoughts exactly Harold!
When DS1 goes back to school I'll be able to ensure he gets more of a set up of sleep routine sorted, long sleep at lunch time etc but for now it's impossible. We never got out with DS1 as so set to his timetable, I'm sure that was a contribution towards me getting depressed.

I don't see why he should be telling me what to do when he's not the main care giver. If he had an example and reasons as to why I should be doing it then I would listen and take it in, but surely it's my choice whether to go forward with it. Within reason obviously.

OP posts:

Catsize · 11/08/2014 22:31

Not done routines with either but then couldn't get self into routine either. Have two happy and confident children. Go with instincts, not books.

HaroldLloyd · 11/08/2014 22:34

Exactly, it's perfect with your older boy in school to be getting out and about a bit. DS2 has a nap in his cot when we are home, but I wouldn't stay home just as he is having a nap, he will drop off in the pram or have an earlier or later nap.

This is the time to be making the most of getting out and having a coffee and a stroll etc before they get too wriggly and stroppy!

OwlinaTree · 11/08/2014 22:34

I'm just sorting my son's sleep out now and he's just turned 5 months. Went with the flow for the first weeks, but over the last month he's been less happy with that and I've had to reluctantly get him into a four hour ish cycle. It's paying off, he's much happier. So it's probably best to follow your instincts, go with the flow while it's working, but change when it's not.

MummyBeerest · 11/08/2014 22:40

At 6 weeks? Oh God no.

Szeli · 11/08/2014 22:51

Babies with enforced routines often seem a little sad and less sociable - possibly because their parents are zonked from the sleepless nights enforcing such a thing?

We let DS set his own, gently led by us, ie it became apparent he was getting hungry every 4 hours and he liked x amount. At his 9pm feed we used to try feed him extra if he'd take it and started trying to rock his Moses basket without seeing us to see if he'd go back to sleep when he woke at 1am and 5am. This had him sleeping thru at 7 weeks with minimal stress.

Each baby will have some way of doing things they like, that you can mostly work around. Don't put the pressure on yourself and don't let your DH, it's not fair

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