Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to find this gossipy - or am I weirdly private?

40 replies

gossipyfamily · 11/08/2014 10:45

Been with DP around a year.

His Mum talks about anything and everything, no matter how private. I know a lot about his parents friends' private lives for example (X's hysterectomy and health issues, Y's on/off love life with one man). I haven't met X or Y. I'm not interested and I find it intrusive - would X and Y want complete strangers to know their business?

I've found that DP also has a loose gob on him (IMO). There's been a couple of things I've told him and asked him not to tell anyone, only for him to tell people. He doesn't see any harm in it, and no, it isn't harmful stuff, but I get annoyed that I don't get to decide what is private and what isn't. But I admit I am quite a private person maybe too far the other way, but that's how I feel comfortable.

Anyway...I told him about my break up from ex, and asked him to keep that to himself. His Mum has made a couple of comments that show he's told her at least some of it. And then at the weekend we were at his parents and some of their friends were around, and one of the friends made a comment that MIGHT show she also knows at least some of the story. So I think he's gossiped to Mum, Mum's gossiped to her friends. It's not a terrible thing for them to know, and I'm sure they all know everything about each other so don't 'get' that I'm more private, but I feel pissed off about it.

Another example is somethng I told him something that really can't be spread around. I told him reluctantly as it was the reason I didn't want to do something. I made him promise not to tell anyone and went really overboard on stressing how important this is. We went to pub and he brought it up in conversation twice and told people - ok leaving out identifiying the person it involves but giving 'hints' to their identity, as in 'I can't say who but it's the man who...blah blah..yeah you probably know who I'm talking about.' FFS.

I have said to DP that he's a gossip and he gets all offended and denies it.

Do I just not tell him anything private ever again? which puts up a barrier in our relationship I'm not happy with. Or is there a way to cure a gossip who doesn't seem to understand what he is doing?

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 11/08/2014 10:49

Of course he understands what he is doing, he is an adult FFS. He just doesn't give a shit, doesn't respect you, your privacy or your boundaries.

Good luck.

MollySolverson · 11/08/2014 10:50

Its a breach of trust, I'd be furious! Which part of "it's really important you keep this to yourself" didn't he understand?

maddy68 · 11/08/2014 10:51

I don't find it odd that your partner has mentioned something of your past to his mother. I would find it odd of he didn't. I'm sure he hasn't told her the intimate stuff

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 11/08/2014 10:52

He's an arse who I wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

He doesn't respect you, doesn't listen to what you say and clearly relishes gossip with his mother.

Don't live with him or marry him, life would be hellish.

Whereisegg · 11/08/2014 10:52

I think he understands exactly what he's doing, it's not hard to understand "Don't tell anyone" is it?

You essentially have a partner you can't tell anything that is remotely private, so not really a partner.

treadheavily · 11/08/2014 10:52

He has no sense of boundaries because thqt's how he has been brought up. And he isn't likely to change...

MrsMarigold · 11/08/2014 10:53

Maybe he just thinks they are more open with each other. I'm foreign and sometimes struggle to get my head around this, I don't mind talking about stuff because it's how I was brought up. In some respects it's good there are fewer surprises when something bad does happen you know who to ask for support.

I would ask him to be open with you about what he tells other people, at least then you know who knows. He probably can't stop himself broadcasting.

scarletforya · 11/08/2014 10:53

Oh God, I couldn't be doing with this. He sounds verbally/emotionally incontinent.

WooWooOwl · 11/08/2014 10:54

You can't change or 'cure' your DP, it's just part of the way he is, same as being private is part of the way you are. You either like him the way he is or you don't. Is it something you can live with or is it something that will forever drive you crazy?

He absolutely shouldn't be talking about things that you have especially said that you want to stay private, but at the same time, you can't expect him to keep his mouth shut about everything if he is naturally the sort of person that most things to his friends and family. You might find yourself asking him to do something he just can't do without behaving in a way that is unnatural for him.

Maybe you need to have a talk with him and agree to only ask him to keep things private when it really matters, so then you can reasonably expect him to keep quiet. But then with the smaller, non harmful things, you just let it go and accept that he will chat to people.

MrsMarigold · 11/08/2014 10:55

He obviously has lots of other redeeming features otherwise you wouldn't have chosen to be with him in the first place.

meltedmonterayjack · 11/08/2014 10:55

YANBU at all. I'd be concerned and upset about it definitely. He sounds like he just can't help himself (ie make the effort to keep himself in check when he has the urge to gossip) and just goes ahead despite being told not to tell anyone. If you can't trust your partner to keep shtum, then who can you trust.

RonaldMcDonald · 11/08/2014 11:02

He and his family won't change

Change your views on it or change your partner

RonaldMcDonald · 11/08/2014 11:03

YANBU but there is no way to cure him at this stage
Honestly

Branleuse · 11/08/2014 11:07

yanbu, he has no boundaries

DioneTheDiabolist · 11/08/2014 11:10

He has shown you that he is incapable of keeping things private and as others have said, he is unlikely to change. Maybe it's time to cast this one back and go fishing again OP.

Tinkerball · 11/08/2014 11:14

Well I don't find it odd him talking to his Mum but Yanbu regarding him gossiping when you have specifically to him not to tell anyone! How is this a relationship if you can't trust him to keep certain things to himself.

Original poster

gossipyfamily · 11/08/2014 11:14

There's only been these two things I've asked him to keep quiet. then I decided, ok, there's some things I won't ever tell him about. Not terrible things he really should know, but just stuff I don't want any random person hearing about. He isn't ever going to change. None of it is done nastily. I just have to put up or shut up but it makes me a bit sad I can't trust him to keep my confidences.

OP posts:

mummytime · 11/08/2014 11:19

I wouldn't want to be in the relationship personally. You do realise they are likely to be gossiping about stuff that goes on between you and him?

(And its hard to forget - I still remember many years later about my cousin's affair, and she has no idea - I didn't tell anyone anything much, ever.)

Original poster

gossipyfamily · 11/08/2014 11:20

In particular there's something I'd like to tell him about but can't. My son had mental health issues as a teenager and spent some time in hospital. I've not told DP. I don't want everyone knowing, not because I want to stigmatise it, I've told family and most of my friends, but his family are a bit ignorant and intolerant about some things and I don't think they'd necessarily understand. They are not very 'PC' and are pretty tactless. Nor do they really need to know, they've never met my son (lives several 100 miles away) and I don't want it to be the first thing that pings into their heads when they do at some point. Son is fine and it's unlikely to reoccur.

OP posts:

LadyLuck10 · 11/08/2014 11:25

Why should you feel like you need to keep things to yourself because you have a partner who can't keep his mouth shut. That's unfair to you op.
If you had to go through something very personal, would you be happy knowing you can't count on your dp to support you by keeping it private.

cowscantfly · 11/08/2014 11:31

That would be a deal breaker for me. His behaviour is totally disrespectful towards you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/08/2014 11:35

I would find it very stressful to have to police what I said to my partner, in fear of him telling everyone everything.

And the fact that he does this -

"Another example is somethng I told him something that really can't be spread around. I told him reluctantly as it was the reason I didn't want to do something. I made him promise not to tell anyone and went really overboard on stressing how important this is. We went to pub and he brought it up in conversation twice and told people - ok leaving out identifiying the person it involves but giving 'hints' to their identity, as in 'I can't say who but it's the man who...blah blah..yeah you probably know who I'm talking about.' FFS."

So he's absolutely blatant about breaking your confidence? Doing it in front of you? Sorry OP, but I'd have ripped him a new one for that. And then chucked him. I really don't see this as a viable relationship, when you have to wall so much of yourself off from him to protect your privacy and the privacy of others.

Phalenopsis · 11/08/2014 11:46

YANBU.

You shouldn't have to be selective about what you tell your partner. He should be mature enough and care about you enough to realise that some things are private and are not to be shared. The fact that he doesn't do this suggests that he has no sense of loyalty to you and doesn't care about your feelings.

I'd be livid with someone who couldn't keep their mouth shut and I wouldn't want anything to do with him. This applies to friends, partners and family. My father has a gob on him like the Mersey Tunnel. I don't tell him anything as a result. It's very sad but the thing is he's my dad so I can manage him by not seeing him very often and telling him little. This man is your partner and you can change this quite simply - by getting rid of him and finding someone who gives a shit about you and acts like a grown up.

Nanny0gg · 11/08/2014 11:58

There doesn't seem to be one good reason for staying with him.

You can't walk on eggshells for the rest of your life wondering what he's going to come out with.

MaidOfStars · 11/08/2014 12:00

Deal breaker for me too. Both my husband and I are on the same page. No sharing of personal secrets with others. No gossiping of friends'/family secrets with each other. I'd struggle to even think of a time when I have even asked a friend's advice about anything to do with our relationship - I don't think it has happened.

We've never had to clarify these rules. It's how we both are. I can't imagine ever saying to him "Don't tell anyone, will you?". And if you do clarify such, it's appalling for him to ignore you in favour of what, a bit of tittle tattle, an "interesting" story? And the performance in the pub seems like a massive power trip to me, he's showing you that he can drop you in it and is prepared to do so if he feels like it.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread