to find this gossipy - or am I weirdly private?

[gossipyfamily]

Been with DP around a year.

His Mum talks about anything and everything, no matter how private. I know a lot about his parents friends' private lives for example (X's hysterectomy and health issues, Y's on/off love life with one man). I haven't met X or Y. I'm not interested and I find it intrusive - would X and Y want complete strangers to know their business?

I've found that DP also has a loose gob on him (IMO). There's been a couple of things I've told him and asked him not to tell anyone, only for him to tell people. He doesn't see any harm in it, and no, it isn't harmful stuff, but I get annoyed that I don't get to decide what is private and what isn't. But I admit I am quite a private person maybe too far the other way, but that's how I feel comfortable.

Anyway...I told him about my break up from ex, and asked him to keep that to himself. His Mum has made a couple of comments that show he's told her at least some of it. And then at the weekend we were at his parents and some of their friends were around, and one of the friends made a comment that MIGHT show she also knows at least some of the story. So I think he's gossiped to Mum, Mum's gossiped to her friends. It's not a terrible thing for them to know, and I'm sure they all know everything about each other so don't 'get' that I'm more private, but I feel pissed off about it.

Another example is somethng I told him something that really can't be spread around. I told him reluctantly as it was the reason I didn't want to do something. I made him promise not to tell anyone and went really overboard on stressing how important this is. We went to pub and he brought it up in conversation twice and told people - ok leaving out identifiying the person it involves but giving 'hints' to their identity, as in 'I can't say who but it's the man who...blah blah..yeah you probably know who I'm talking about.' FFS.

I have said to DP that he's a gossip and he gets all offended and denies it.

Do I just not tell him anything private ever again? which puts up a barrier in our relationship I'm not happy with. Or is there a way to cure a gossip who doesn't seem to understand what he is doing?

Absolute deal breaker for me, I want to be able to share everything with a partner without worrying about it getting round everyone else.

I think this sounds quite serious OP, given that you feel unable (quite understandably) to tell him about your son's mental health issues. If I were your partner I'd like to know about this so that I could perhaps be more sensitive to the issue around your son. This is a major gap in your relationship. However, you're quite right not to tell DP, definitely protect your son in this instance.

I'm not sure I could live with someone like this but to answer your question, no you are not abnormally private. Your DP and his mum sound like they need gagging.

YANBU. You may be weirdly private. So what? You're absolutely allowed to be and your partner should respect that.

If it's allowed to be weirdly private then surely it's allowed to be weirdly chatty about when it comes to things that there is no real harm in sharing, and a partner should respect that.

This really isn't about whose way is right. Neither is right or wrong, you are just different. And as you haven't been together very long, you should probably think about whether you're really compatible.

By your own admission, there is no harm in some of the things your DP has shared, it just annoys you that you don't get to decide what is shared. It's fine for you to feel that way, but it's not fine for you to attempt to share a life with someone who sees things differently and then try to change them.

It wouldn't be fair for your DP to keep telling you that you were wrong for the way you feel about wanting to be more private, and it's not fair for you to tell you DP he is wrong for wanting to be more open. Accept each other as you are or move on.

It doesn't matter if there's any harm in it or not. If I tell someone something in confidence I expect them to keep that confidence, otherwise I wouldn't trust them.

OP YANBU However, your DP cannot be trusted which is sad really as you should be able to trust him. If he wants to blab all his own business that's his choice but he doesn't have the right to tell all and sundry your's.

For me this would be a dealbreaker. I suggest you think long and hard about being in a relationship with someone whom you cannot confide in the serious stuff, which you may need support with, because he can't keep his mouth shut.

If it's allowed to be weirdly private then surely it's allowed to be weirdly chatty about when it comes to things that there is no real harm in sharing, and a partner should respect that.

If it's his information, then yes, absolutely. If it's not and he's been asked to keep schtum then he should do just that.

I think it depends on how much the OP is asking him to keep quiet about.

This from the OP 'and no, it isn't harmful stuff, but I get annoyed that I don't get to decide what is private and what isn't. But I admit I am quite a private person maybe too far the other way' gave me the impression that she's asking him to keep quiet about trivial things as well as things that actually matter.

Nope, it's only been the two things I've asked him to keep quiet. And they weren't trivial.

why are you with him?

I will bet the house that if you probe how he defines "private", it will only cover things that he doesn't want people to know about him. Everything else doesn't affect him, so not private.

I'd dump him if I were you. He's thick and insensitive. God knows where that will take you.

MIL is a horrible gossip, I to have sat there wondering why the hell she is telling me what she is telling me, BIL is a terrible gossip too. I've been with OH over 15 years and it's taken me nearly this long to realise most of the stories are highly embellished and that they gossip about anybody and anything regardless how sensitive, old or close the subject is or how much they really know about it, they just make up the gaps with lots of opinions added in. So what have they been saying about me and my family? (who live the other side of the country) I'll never know. They are so thick skinned and self righteous. Makes me feel sick some times what may have been made up and spread around. Do you really want to live like this? I'm not going to leave OH over his families gossip, but I would have if it was him. Imagine if you have a medical emergency/condition that he has to know about but you don't want everybody else to know? Do you need the added stress of what he and his family are saying? Last thing I needed when the IL's came to stay and 'help' when OH was rushed into hospital was spending the evenings listening to MIL phoning round all her friends to keep them updated, running up my phone bill and not helping, grrrr.

Tell him you have stopped confinding important things as he will gossip. Tell him you don't trust him with information and that he will have to prove himself to earn your trust again.

YANBU.

I wouldn't want to be with someone that I felt I couldn't talk to because I know the world and his wife would soon find out. You will never be able to talk to him about anything other than trivial stuff.

He is disrespectful of your feelings because he does exactly what you explicitly asked him not to, in front of you as well!

Sorry OP, but this would be a dealbreaker for me too. If you can't share things with this man, then you can't ever rely on him for support and understanding. It really doesn't sound a positive relationship and can only get worse if you stay together. You shouldn't even have to tell your partner that you want him to keep things to himself - if your relationship is right he would instinctively know what conversations and sharing were private between the two of you.

My mum does this, but mainly with medical stuff.

She collects doctor friends big style - she must have about 7 or 8.

So anything that goes wrong medically that she knows about (I had a couple of bad pregnancies and then pneumonia a few years later after a bout of swine flu) she has phoned her doctor friends and talked about in great detail.

She then tells me what their medical opinion is (usually with her own spin put on it) which sometimes clashes with what my doc has said or done.

Which just unnerves me.

Its got to the point where if I got diagnosed with something bad (touch wood that doesn't happen) I'd actually perhaps not tell her (she lives abroad so wouldn't necessarily have to know).

Shame she can't keep her trap shut. I've told her many times that just because they are a doctor doesn't mean they need to know about my medical situation, but she just stares at me incredulously and says "but they are a DOCTOR". And I snarl "but they are not MY doctor" and so it goes on so she's out the loop now! Gah.