to feel hurt by my friend's comments and not meet up later?

[PleaseJustShootMeNow]

We've been friends for 6 years. Last year we both had babies, DS is now 15 months and her son is 13 months. We haven't seen as much of each other since their arrivals as we're both knackered all the time. We're supposed to be meeting up at the park this afternoon but now I don't really want to go anymore.

She rang this morning to sort out the details and I mentioned that I was really tired. She at me because I don't know really tired is as I have it really easy compared to her. I'm so upset. This has pretty much been the topic of conversation since the babies arrived, how tired she is and how easy I've got it compared to her, and I've had enough. Yes my circumstances are different to hers but that doesn't mean I don't have struggles too. In fact she knows these struggles but brushes them aside because she can only see things from her perspective. I feel like I've inadvertently walked into a competition for 'finding it hardest' and I want out (because I'm too bloody tired).

AIBU to cancel this afternoon's meet up and back away?

That should be: She snapped at me ...

YANBU. And I think you need to be honest with her about how her comments make you feel or your feelings and resentment will just keep building up.

Competitive tiredness is shit from a partner, it must be even worse when it's your friend.

Unless you're always bragging to her about your night nanny, laundry service and three housekeepers, yanbu!

Well if you don't want to go then dont, but remember you are just tired so might regret it later!

My cousin is 6 months pregnant with a 3 year old and constantly going on about how will she cope. Her DM minds her DD and she only works 1.5 days. I am also pregnant with a 3 year old and work ft. I also live on the other side of the world to my family and friends with absolutely no support.

Its tough for my cousin to see past her own issues and I find it slightly amusing when she is moaning to me. Could your friend feel the same?

Should ask how different are your circumstances to your friend's?

I'd tell her how you feel. Either she will realise she's been a pain and it's not a competition (in which case I'd meet up and maintain the friendship. Or she will say you are wrong and she's the only one whose ever tired then I'd put the friendship on the back burner for a while and see whether she comes out of the this selfish phase.

Because you are both so tired, your reserves of patience and tolerance will be low. Snapping is understandable, although not nice to be on the receiving end.

If you don't want to meet up, then don't but maybe agree to arrange another meet up when you've both got more time. I would avoid talking about tiredness from now on and if she bring it up, just make sympathetic 'mmm' and change the subject.

Cancelling last minute isn't cool. I would go today, but let her know how you feel.

What examples of you having it 'easier' is she giving ?

YANBU

The difference that she is focusing on is that my DH is around more than her DP. DH is out of the house 5.30am -7.30pm for work but he's around all weekend and he's taken 1 day a week off parental leave since DS was born. Her DP works 7 days a week and she hardly ever sees him so she has to do everything.

Solely from that perspective, yes I do have it much easier.

But she's ignoring the fact that my dad died while I was pregnant so I've struggled through coping with a new baby and grieving while being a long long way from my family. Also I'm almost 20 years older than her and don't have anywhere near the energy I had when I was her age. Plus I have AS and have to cope with all the difficulties that bring and I have a physical disability which affects my hips and back. This was so bad during pregnancy that I was in a wheelchair for the last 4 months. It is better now but not better. I can't walk very far, struggle with picking DS up, don't sleep well because of it and have constant pain (although it varies in level). So not really the bed of roses she seems to be seeing. (But DS is the most beautiful creature in the entire universe so it's all worth it.)

Meet up with her this time, and try to make tiredness your common enemy- common enemies solidify friendships. When the topic of tiredness comes up, listen to what she's finding makes her tired, and then explain how you are in the same boat even though she doesn't yet see it.

for example, if she is a single parent complaining about being tired from being woken every night, and maybe she thinks you have a partner so don't have the same problem, you could say that you have it in common because you and your partner split the nighttime care of children but, he snores so badly you're woken up twice as many times as him, then make it a joke rather than a competition.

If it doesn't work, back off for a bit and maybe reconnect when things aren't so negative and competitive.

How different are your circumstances?

Tiredness does make people snappy and say things they perhaps usually wouldn't.

I wouldn't cat hastily , you may lose a good friend. Hope you can work this out.

If there is a 20 year age gap between you then I'm guessing she is at most in her early 20s and you do have quite a selfish outlook at that age. That is actually quite an age gap so in many ways she is from a different culture to you and will have different expectations. In terms of baby 'competitions' I found it best just to agree that they are the 'winner' and move on ("yes, you must be very tired. Shall we bring a picnic?")

Yes she's 24 and I'm 42

I would make the most of just getting out the house this time
Take a flask of coffee & some biscuits & be determined to enjoy yourself
Don't moan your tired & if she says she is say 'oh poor you , here's another biscuit'
Humour her this time & if she's a real pain in the arse smile to yourself & think 'oh well I'm never seeing you again after today '

Then come back & tell us how it went

Who knows the fresh air & hopefully a chat about something other than nappies might cheer you up

I remember my first time at toddler group I was terrified because I thought they'd all be talking about breast feeding , co sleeping , baby led weaning etc

We talked about last nights Desperate Housewives & I felt so happy to not be talking baby stuff

Oh & 42 is nothing ! I'm nearly 40 & one of my best friends is 26 :)

It really doesn't matter how much 'easier' one person's lot appears to be against someone else's.;

It is how you feel and how you deal with it that matters. If you have a nanny and a housekeeper and only work every other Tuesday, if you feel tired, you feel tired.

So you just have to be tolerant of each other. Stop scoring points. There is never a winner.

Just tell her "it isn't a completion you know"?! Some people are just like this. If you've had a cold,they've had flu and always have to be one up.

If both of you just moan about how hard your lives are then it doesn't sound like much of a fun day out anyway! I'd make a real effort to not talk about feeling tired at all. I found that I coped with sleepless nights much better after I accepted that I was going to be tired during this phase of my/dc's life and that is just how it is. Don't talk about, try and find more positive conversations to have.

Did you go OP?

I did. Unfortunately I got a text 15 minutes before meet up time to say she couldn't make it. I wouldn't have minded that except it takes me 1.5 hours to get there. Oh well.

Oh that is shit! I think you should step back now. Maybe when you are both through the other side of sleep deprivation you can get your friendship back.

Thanks for updating.

I'm afraid I am on your friends side. I would be pretty miffed is a friend cancelled because she was "tired". Not a very good excuse in my book.

How rude. I would be telling her that has really pissed me off tbh. Was that a payback do you think?