in thinking if I could have a week off from being a single parent..

[campingfilth]

...to a very lively, talkative 4.8 year old and a week off working 12.5 hour shifts both our lives might be a bit better for a while?? I'd like a week off of just not having to deal with a stroppy, shouty child instead of dealing with a tantrum either mini one or full on one at least every hour! I just feel a break from it might flip us out of this spiralling circle of bad habits and lower my stress levels enough so that I can have some patience to deal with normal(ish) behaviour. He has no special needs at all, is bright, talkative, funny and independent I should love being with him but I dread it most days due to the constant battles.

I'm a screaming harpy, I have sworn at my child today, generally been an evil, nasty vile parent. I am exhausted, fed up and really over the constant battles of getting my child to do anything. I've tried rewards charts, taking toys away, naughty step, and leaving places for naughty behaviour and it doesn't work.

I've recently begun trying the tips on Aha parenting but getting nowhere. It says to set limits but I'm confused as to what those limits should be as asking my child to do anything doesn't work first time or even 10th time so if you can't use the naughty step, take toys away or punish in some other way and trying to get them to do it the empathy way doesn't work what should you do??

I hate myself as I'm one of those awful parents constantly screaming at their child and damaging their self esteem.

By the way no matter how much I'd like to duck out of my responsibilities for a week it ain't going to happen but I would just love to.

What are the behaviours you want to encourage/discourage?

I find with DD, anything negative escalates so needs to be used rarely. We have a pasta jar for good behaviour, plus lots of high fives kill me now and hugs and praise for good stuff. It's working a little.

Do you ask him to do things or do you tell him? My DD's therapist said one of the worst mistakes parents make is being too nice and not realising some children don't get it. eg 'Please can you come here?' to a child is giving them a choice, so they'll take it. 'Please come here' is still polite but removes the choice. Sounded daft to me, but the difference it made to DD was unbelievable.

His constant shouting (learnt from me!) and I've tried ignoring but he just escalates and his shouting and tantruming hits record levels for a 4.8 year old! Plus its embarrassing trying to ignore a very loud shouting child when out in public.

I find it hard to praise when its a battle to get him to do anything first time, e.g. teeth brushing, going to the loo before bed, getting dressed, getting shoes on, getting up to the dinner table (unless he is starving), letting me talk on the phone without him shouting at me for my attention, shouting at me for my attention when I'm in the shower, on the loo. All things I've tried to ignore for but he just carries on getting louder and louder and starts banging on the doors. I've only got to walk out into the garden and he's shouting 'mummy, mummy where are you' AARGGHHH!!!

I have gone past the point where I can be a fun parent as I am so worn down by it all.

I think I always start out nicely but it soon gets to 'get here now' or 'do it now' kind of thing and now having sworn at him today its way out of control.

Maybe taking a week off work and arranging fun things to do with your daughter might help? Forget the daily grind for one week and just focus on enjoying each others company and you might be surprised. Is she maybe ignoring you because (and I'm sorry for saying this) she's wanting attention whether it be negative or not because she missed you when you're working such long days?

Being a parent is tough and I reckon at one point or another we've all thought about checking out for a day or two.

With regards to discipline I would suggest picking one method and stick with it and most importantly follow through. My DD went through a stage of completely ignoring me so I started removing her favourite toys and she earned them back with good behaviour, it soon sunk in. We only use timeout for serious things like hitting, throwing things etc and honestly I can't remember the last time I even had to use it.

It's hard and I get that when you're at the end of your tether you crack and then probably feel guilty about shouting afterwards, promise yourself you'll handle it better next time and then bam next time comes and nothing changes. I personally found that changing my behaviours vastly improved DDs.

Sorry for some reason I assumed you had a daughter sub DD for DS.

How about next weekend you pick a couple of hours when you allow him to set the agenda of what you are doing, choose what you have for lunch etc. He's old enough to understand that you can have a short amount of time where he gets to be in charge and get your attention, but that the rest of the weekend you may need to catch up on things and he needs to help.

YANBU btw.

You could maybe ask GP or school about programmes to support you - like Strenghtening Families programme or other behaviour support. It would be good to get support so you don't feel overwhelmed and can ask someone how to implement techniques when they don't work straight away. Kids are hard work, esp on your own, and (depending on where you live) there is often support and advice.

I also agree with the first poster about making a fuss when they do well. It reinforces that good behaviour gets a positive, fun reaction.

Can you actually get a week off? If you can I'd get on it asap. Single parenting is intense, you need a break and will probably feel much more positive about implementing such things if you aren't so worn down.

Oh I know his behaviour is directly affected by mine. I've tried sticking to one method but nothing has worked hence having tried a fair few over the past 2.5 years. He has had toys up on a shelf for months before trying to earn them back so I gave up with that idea.

He does want my attention but I can't give it all the time, most people can't give their child their undivided attention constantly and because I can't even go to the loo or be on the phone without him shouting it means he is then told off and ends up with less of my attention. I have friends that work full time and don't have these issues and although I work long shifts I see my child more than they do due to the compressed hours.

The trouble is having a fun day is impossible I have every weekend with him we do fun stuff but it is all done with a constant stream of shouting and tantrums when it is just me and him. If we are with others he isn't so bad but can be difficult with toys, sharing and is also very strong so where a little shove from one kid won't do much when he does it they can fall over. I'm always on edge waiting for the next lot of naughty behaviour/tantrum.

Next week we are off to a festival for 4 days then onto a campsite for 5 nights and its just me and him but I'm dreading it.

I've had a hard day myself but that's another story.

I find staying calm works, when you shout, you stress them and they are more likely to shout. You will find for the first month it won't work, but he will learn calm behaviour from you.

Give him choices so he can feel in control without having to think of something himself. When you set a punishment carry it through no matter how much he screams, and then don't look at/shout until the punishment is over.

This will mean that sometimes your entire day is spent warning/punishing/staying calm when he is not.

Which is extremely tiring! Is he going to school in September? Do you have any family who can help? Do you get to talk to/socialise with adults every day? If you don't perhaps you can think about joining some clubs when he is in school, there are plenty which include kids, so you get a break and to chat to adults and so does he.

12.5 hour shifts? ouchhhhhhhhhhh. Does your son go to childcare when you are at work?

Have a and a hug xxxx

No chance of actually getting a week off from parenting his father chose to not have anything to do with him when he had an affair and left for OW (now wife). My mum does all my childcare for work which I am extremely grateful for. I only get time off very, very rarely say one month every 2-3 months. The rest of the time I'm at work in a very stressful A and E dept or I'm with my DS.

The thing is I feel extremely guilty for feeling the way I do as I am very lucky. I have a healthy son, nice home, good job and just about enough money to take him nice places and go camping. But I just want to step away from it all for a week and have no noise, just read and drink wine and laze around and take a shower and have a poo without a child banging on the door shouting at me.

It sounds really difficult.

Discipline is a really hard balance to strike when your a single parent.

Have you tried speaking to him about it. Asking why he does certain things and tell him it makes you sad? I do this with DD sometimes and I do feel it allows her to understand that her actions have an affect on others.

I'm lucky that I am very close to my parents and we spend a fair amount of time with them. Sometimes DD will say something to me and I'll just ignore her but my Dad will step in and say "you don't speak to your Mum like that" etc etc. Sometimes that is exactly what she needs. Do you have someone friends or family that might have a chat with him? He's at an age he is capable of understanding and maybe hearing it from someone else might help?

I don't know what to advise, I'll be honest. I'm a shouter. I haven't been a single parent for a very long time and even then it was only in baby years.

All I can really offer is moral support in the sense that I have been there. Last week I had to leave DD in the car (she is seven and it was safe, plus she had iPad) because her behaviour was so horrendous on our day out and I didn't feel safe to drive home. Had to go and smoke do deep breathing in Bluewater.

Something I would wonder is how he behaves with your mum? How does she get him to do things?

I'm having

Every day I tell myself I'm not going to shout and that I'm going to stay calm but within an hour of being up I've lost it due to that sense of 'Grrrrr not another sodding day of constant battles and tantrums' no patience left.

I do see adults every day and we do have a lovely life really I just wish I could chill a bit, have more fun and not scream.....maybe I need to start a valium habit with wine and be a 50's housewife

I think now that you've said it might take a month at least before I see an effect I will try not to feel so disheartened that he carries on behaving the same way despite me not shouting.

Yes he is going to school in September which both me and him are very excited about and he really does need it. He is great with numbers, simple maths, words etc so the more formal learning will be great for him.

Another idea, I don't know your work pattern but could you sign him up for an activity, during some time when you aren't working. Gives you a break plus him a bit of discipline and burns some energy.

Maybe if you have some time to chill out it will be easier to handle.

He is much better behaved with my mum who does manage to get to do stuff but I think her threshold for losing it is way, way higher than mine. When she has him he plays nicely on his own etc but she also has the time to do an awful lot of play stuff with him as she can leave the household crap to when he's not there. She certainly has a lot more patience with him than she ever did with me but then she tells me I was a whole lot worse than he is

I feel much calmer and a less like packing a bag and running away or hunting down his dad and topping him at his door so thank you ladies/men.

He goes to gymnastics and swimming to try and channel some energy.

I think half my trouble is I am not very good at understanding things form his point of view and forget that he is only 4. I'm not a natural parent and its not something I and planned to do in life, one drunken weekend with my ex and hey presto! I am also an older mum so it was all rather a shock and then to be left to do it all by myself has made me rather resentful which I just can't seem to get over. I thinks this makes his tantrums amplified IYGWIM.

It sounds very hard :(

Are you sure your Mum wouldn't have him for a week if you told her how you were feeling? No brothers or sisters that would have him for a week? Or even just a long weekend?

I really think you do need a good break, on your own, to chill and just be 'you'. A lot of parents do, I know, but you sound 'on your knees' with it.

Maybe the week away camping will help. You wont be working, there's not too much they can get in trouble doing while you are camping and he will have a lot of your attention. Hopefully the fresh air will tire him out so you get a bit of an evening on your own too.

As for his behaviour when you are home, it's hard to say without knowing either of you. But he needs to know you are the Boss and not him and that you mean what you say. Make sure your 'consequences' or punishments are realistic and followed through on. Come down quickly on any behaviour you find unacceptable, don't let it slide until you are really angry about it.

Try to find 'the thing' that has an impact on him - it's different with each child, but once you have found it, it makes life easier. For some it's a specific toy, a specific game, tv show, no toys in the bath, not seeing a specific friend, not having 'pink milk' - whatever, just find 'his thing' the thing it bothers him the most to be deprived of. There will be something.

I know it's very very hard when they do so little 'good' to praise 'good' behaviour, but try really really hard to find those little things and try really really hard to spend 5 minutes really really engaging with him on his level and being interested in what he is talking about or showing you (I'm not saying you don't, but sometimes when you are so tired and fed up you find you self saying 'yes love' a lot, but not 'really' engaging with them).

Big hugs
It's not easy.

its hard and i'm not even a single parent but he is working nights atm and to be honest checks out of parenting totally these days i just want a rest from WAAAAAA mom mom mom mom mom mom my five year old will not quit his dad is asleep upstairs and he is never quiet when he plays upstairs so he asks can i play upstairs i say no why because dad is asleep i end up with 45 minutes of screeching and freaking out till dad comes down in a temper and yells at him he (dad) storms off and he starts again then its can i play outside no its raining BUT I WAAAANT TOOO fine get wet ITS RAINING!!! i ended up using a sarcastic well DUH i told you that TRY LISTENING i was so fed up today has not been my best day ive been up all night with the baby and im beyond tired

hopefully tomorrow will be better

I cross posted with your last few posts.

If I could get my hands on your Ex I'd batter him with a Tonka Truck for you!

Children behave differently, for different people, for a number of reasons. Expectation being one of them, he knows your Mum wont tolerate bad behaviour and another one being you are his Mum - he knows you will love him no matter what, he spends less time 'behaving' to get your love & approval because he knows he already has it. It's not great in one way, because it means he's 'naughtier' but in another way it's lovely because it shows he knows you love him unconditionally.

It is much harder to deal with when you don't get a break from it because it is relentless.

Hopefully going to school will help.

Oh god that must be hard trying to keep a 5 year old quiet and not fair that he checks out on parenting. Big hugs for you.

toomuch if I knew where he was with OW (now wife) then I'd send you his address but I'd like it filmed please

I honestly don't tolerate bad behaviour and do follow through with threats etc but it doesn't make any difference. I've told him today that I will stop taking him places if his behaviour does't improve but that will make it harder for me being stuck in with him.

He is a huge talker, its non stop, non stop why, why, why and asking a question that I don't know the answer to but despite me saying I don't know he carries on and on and on asking. In my head I'm screaming 'just shut the fuck up' then I feel guilty for thinking it. Today how ever I said it. hence me realising things have gone too far.

I'd kill for a week of peace....I'd easily kill my ex for a week of peace LOL

You have all my sympathy - I have a 4.7 DS who is very intense, never stops talking and is extremely attention seeking. The only thing that keeps me sane some days is that DH is a very committed dad and takes him out of my hair for a while. He would drive me absolutely bonkers if I had him on my own all the time.

I find it's better to try and make actions and consequences small rather than big because 4 yr olds just do not get the big picture and also they are easier to follow through. Plus if you jump straight to the big guns (confiscation etc) then you have nowhere to go when he carries on doing the same. So instead of saying you'll never take him out again - of course you will and to him that's a very abstract concept anyway, it's not right now - you could just say something like it made you sad when he was silly when you were out and just leave it at that. Let him think about it - maybe next time he might (eventually!) ask you if you're feeling happy or sad today. Or you can ask him what can he do today when you're out to make it better than last time. It works with mine but I do have to be on top of it all the time.

Fingers crossed it improves when they start school. Mine desperately needs the structure and routine now and is very ready to go.

Just to add I've found with my non stop talker that using 'enough' and 'stop now' work but that is after a lot of training.

On really bad days I get short with him and send him to his bedroom just for some peace and quiet and more importantly before I completely blow at him.