in thinking if I could have a week off from being a single parent..

[campingfilth]

...to a very lively, talkative 4.8 year old and a week off working 12.5 hour shifts both our lives might be a bit better for a while?? I'd like a week off of just not having to deal with a stroppy, shouty child instead of dealing with a tantrum either mini one or full on one at least every hour! I just feel a break from it might flip us out of this spiralling circle of bad habits and lower my stress levels enough so that I can have some patience to deal with normal(ish) behaviour. He has no special needs at all, is bright, talkative, funny and independent I should love being with him but I dread it most days due to the constant battles.

I'm a screaming harpy, I have sworn at my child today, generally been an evil, nasty vile parent. I am exhausted, fed up and really over the constant battles of getting my child to do anything. I've tried rewards charts, taking toys away, naughty step, and leaving places for naughty behaviour and it doesn't work.

I've recently begun trying the tips on Aha parenting but getting nowhere. It says to set limits but I'm confused as to what those limits should be as asking my child to do anything doesn't work first time or even 10th time so if you can't use the naughty step, take toys away or punish in some other way and trying to get them to do it the empathy way doesn't work what should you do??

I hate myself as I'm one of those awful parents constantly screaming at their child and damaging their self esteem.

By the way no matter how much I'd like to duck out of my responsibilities for a week it ain't going to happen but I would just love to.

I lost you on here and now I have found you again!! we both appear to have name changed :)

First off, though it was not for long that I saw you guys, you are a great mum, far calmer than I am with mine, and honestly, I thought he was far calmer and better behaved than my DS!! But it always looks better from the outside....

I feel your pain, mine manage 5 mins it seems in AM before all out war breaks out and I am screaming again, even though I promised I wouldn't. I do think it gets better, DS is 6 in 4 weeks(how did THAT happen?!!) and is a LOT better than he was, you know boys have a MASSIVE testerone surge around 4 years old more than as teenagers but are completely unable to control it, I think that explains a lot about 4-5 year old boys.

I think he is probably fine, you are doing great but being too hard on yourself, as is your way ;)

I think school will help, but it will take a few weeks to settle in, maybe it will be stressful during this period? my DS starts in September too :) I am expecting stress!!

I am finding since I started doing Yoga again every day (thanks to you tube) I am A LOT calmer as well.

Big love xx

Ah love you too. Your kids were fab, I loved them both and they were such fun and you were fab. I will visit you next year I promise in the school holidays maybe find a festival/campsite to go to with the kids?? I am not sure Jake would have lasted until 6 before going to school as they do in Germany. I have bought a yoga mat and some dvd's and was planning to do some today but drank wine instead.

hiccup I also send him to his room otherwise my brain melts!!

I have tried the 'that makes me very sad' and it doesn't really work however, I had a major meltdown the other morning and was on my bed crying he was as good as gold for most of the day. I was well shocked

This article explains what I was trying to describe earlier.

It sounds from one of your previous posts that there are two main issues:

• not following instructions that are part of your routine
• making incessant demands for your attention

Could you sit down with him to make a timetable for the day? You work out together what happens when, what absolutely needs to be done (e.g. brushing teeth, putting on a load of washing) and carving up some time to spend just playing together? He might be reassured if he knows that he is going to get your full attention e.g. between 5 and 6pm?

At the moment it sounds like he is desperately looking for some time with you, so is drawing out all the interactions you do have.

Kindy here is very good so no school till 6 is fine.

Do some yoga then drink the wine, try "30 day yoga challenge" with Erin Motz, mostly they are only 20 mins per day, so easy to fit in, and she advocates wine too!!!

Yes, meant to say, come stay!! I have no passport at moment, but you are always welcome!

Anyway, get jel, I have a day off tommorrow, well I have been instructed to take kids to MIL at 9.30 and meet them at 6pm at the bus station to bring them home if that counts as a day off? I guess it does, well first one since....well at least January and probably for 6 years! He appears to not be talking to me, instruction was thru MIL, not sure I give a fuck anymore!

I will call soon :)

Is there anyone at all that would have him for a few days? My wise old Dad told me that the best gift anyone can give parents is to take the kids off their hands for a bit (they brought up3 of us). He's dead right. Being a lone parent sucks as there is no one else their to balance things out and to calm an escalating situation. You could have described me and DS when he was smaller in your first post. Once it starts it is sooooo hard to get both of you back on track and a few days apart does both a huge power of good. I really would recommend getting the two of you away from each other, even just for a few hours. He'll have fun and you can have a calm......

And by the way, I think you're pretty normal!

Brain melting is a good way to put it....sometimes it's like my brain will just fry if I here another 'but why mummy?' Or his favourite at the mo, 'mine, mine, mine, mine' as per the seagulls in Finding Nemo.

Yes to the testosterone surge at 4-5 - I can see it in my DS at the mo. He flips between being a reasonably normal kid you can have a chat with to a manic screaming nightmare in a split second!

I'm holding out for school making a big difference. At least they'll be knackered to start with so hopefully won't talk so much

I have been a single mum with no family support since baby days so know how tough it is.

My DS is now 7 and I can tell you it does get easier. They have play dates where you actually get the odd hour to yourself. Get his name down for Beavers. .They can start when 6 and some places waiting lists are long.

Top tips. Think about your threats. I never threaten to cancel an activity as it is needed to burn off steam you get a wound up boy at home. But do look for the thing that really bothers them.

Visual timetables can help. this does include. Mum does dishes, or washes up in there then we will play a game.

I can also say looking back one thing I never did well was teach my son to play alone. Set him up with an activity such as play doh then go and get a few things done. When he comes and shows you his creation give loads of praise.

let him help you with the jobs ( yes I know it won't be done up to your standards.) You will use far more polish but it makes them feel bigger ..Give him things to do you can praise him for.

The other thing is no matter how big the tantrum gets never give into it. It is embarrassing when they do it in public, embarrassing at nearly 5 even worse as they get older. they don't know the difference of positive and negative attention. so attention is attention.

Can you get out for the night with friends. Honestly I got out once a year before Son went to school and I would be buzzing for weeks after a night out.

Currently DD favourite annoying question is "why do heavy things sink and not heavy things float?" ......the answer is in the question DD please stop asking me, I don't know how to explain it in a way that a 4 year old will understand except "just because!"

schmee thank you for article I read ages ago but totally forgotten about it. I do find that stuff hard as was never told I was loved as a child or given any praise etc. However, I do tell DS I love him every day a lot. Will read in morning as I have drunk some wine. I think I will make a big poster that has a timetable on it as this might make it easier on both of us.

monkeywrench refer to previous text ref MIL!!! However, enjoy your time off and really try hard to keep that relationship going with the MIL no matter how hard. You will get some time away and when your kids are older they will really appreciate it. He is not worthy of you at all and you know my feelings on that so don't beat yourself up or give him the time of day. I grew up with a drunk father and it massively screwed me up by my mum staying with him. I'm going to start the DDP yoga after watching the 'Arthur' clip on it as its very inspiring and its good for weight loss. I have 5 stone to lose so hoping it will help with my stress levels and reducing my fat over sized ass!

YY to letting him help you/involving him in your chores.

Yesss, you need time off! Did your DS go to preschool before the holidays, or was he just with your mum all the time? Now he's off to school in September, am I right to guess that your mum will be looking after him a bit less? Maybe, then, she could take him for a weekend when you're off work? How good would that be?!

I have a partner now, but well remember the first 2 nights I had off from DS- we went to visit my parents when he was about 2.5, and I negotiated 2 nights away to visit a friend in Brighton. God it was good, and we were so happy to see each other at the station on my return!

FWIW, my DS is now 4.6, and pretty similar to yours, by the sound of it. He's been going to a very hippy preschool, and it's been making me laugh to hear some of the parents deciding not to send their similar-aged children to school this September. "Oooh, he/she is still so little, I don't think they're ready (wrings hands)....". I look at mine, and just think "That boy is SO ready. Take him, school, and DO SOMETHING with all that excess energy and curiosity- please!"

monkeywrench tell her its displacement and then walk off and hide show her the shape of a boat and the shape of a cube. water slopes up the side of a boat in a floaty, floaty way where as a cube it bangs against so sinks.

starlight my sister and BIL, without me asking, has said she will have him for an afternoon and over night during their holidays I did try and go for the whole weekend but they refused and their holiday clashes with mine and an already planned camping trip and then I'm working and then away for the weekend. I'm gutted!

hiccup my DS talks himself to sleep no matter how tired he is, he has never not made a noise and had been like it since birth. My lodger and I are in stitches some nights listening to him count, do maths, sing and read his books at full volume while he is going to sleep.

My DS Nan and Grandad (ex's dad) are going to have DS for 6 days, was told this afternoon by ex SIL. I'll be working 3 shifts during that time but hey ho. God couldn't come at a better time. Little concerned DS might not handle that length of time away from me well but he will get spoilt rotten and get loads more attention than I give him.

I won't know what to do with myself

I really feel for you. I too have a 4 yo and it's challenging.

I''ve found that I have to change discipline when the current one stops being effective. I've recently changed from a reward chart to putting balls in a bag.

I picked up a bag that you can get when you buy flowers from Tesco so that it is see through. I dug out his old ball pit balls.

Every day he starts with 5 balls. He has to have 10 balls in the bag at the end of the day for him to get a prize (small party bag type prize ie bubbles, colouring pad etc). Any act of kindness or playing nicely or doing what I've askedhim to do gets a ball. Lots of praise and give the ball fir even small acts to really accentuate the positive. Any bad behaviour, gets a warning and if repeated soon after gets ball removed. The threat of having ball removed is usually enough. We drew up the rules together ie no hitting, do what mummy asks you to do etc

Also local children's centre parenting puzzle course has been a godsend for helping strengthen us as a family and giving different tips and techniques. Such as giving the choices that you want them to choose and tgey tgey feel like tgey gave some control over the situation but you get what you want. Ie 'it's your choice, you can brush your teeth now and then put your shoes on or you can brush your teeth before you put your coat on. You choose, it's your choice' but he is getting his teeth brushed night matter what but he feels he has some choice. Also a kindness chart. Feel up the dark sky (piece of dark paper) with sticker stars fit any act of kindness. Mummy made ds sandwiches for lunch, wasn't goat kind of Mummy. Mummy gets a sticker in the kindness chart. Ds helped Mummy tidy up, very kind, put a sticker on the chart. Shoes ds all the lovely things you do for him and helps him appreciate you more. My kids LOVE the kindness chart and it strengthens our family unit.

Oh and I still screw up. Yesterday was a bad day where I didn't set up the bag technique properly and it therefore all went to pot. Then I turned into shouts Mummy and ds had a massive tantrum. Today is a new day.....

You sound frazzled and we have all been there (lone parent myself to two dc, little family help.)

I think some posters are concentrating too much on disciplining him. His behaviour reminds me of my little one - constant whinging, shouting, won't play independently, follows me around the house, won't let me take a phone call.

Little things help me like not responding to her shouting, talking quietly and calmly, giving lots of sympathy when she is distressed about something minor. If she throws a tantrum I literally turn my back on her (saw that tip on a programme) and start tidying up or something. She hates it but if I don't engage, she does not get an audience and I keep myself calm.

Also with the shouting, a speech therapist told me to mime turning down the volume button as a visual prompt and that works too.

When she had a period of really poor behaviour in school I devoted a whole weekend to play with her, loads of puzzles, painting, playdough, baking, constant activities so she could not even breathe out of place. She had got into such a cycle of shouting and aggression and it needed to be broken. I was exhausted by the end of it and I don't know how practical it is for you with your work commitments, but it worked for me and she loved it.

Try the book Calmer, Happier parenting. Excellent tips in it.

Sorry if repeating anything others have suggested.

It sounds like your son's very bright my first born DS now 18 was the same he had to be constantly entertained,he always wanted to know how,where,when,why all before he was 2 years old.It was exhausting!

Now days if any of my children ask me about something and I don't know the answer we look it up on the computer,it's helped expand the knowledge of all of us on lots of different subjects.

Can your LO use the computer well enough with out to much help?There are loads of free programme's and educational games online that will not only help fill his inquisitive mind but could free you up some time as well.

There's lots of educational show's on the tv as well now,my children all love horrible history's,factual shows about places people used to live and anything to do with Dinosaurs or animals.

If you belong to your local library(my oldest is a real book worm)I'd make use of it for your DS.

With my oldest when he was in the midst of a tantrum I used to be silent(unless he was in danger or of danger to anyone else)my Mum used to call it the silent treatment and she said it was the only thing that worked with my oldest brother who was really hard work(my mother's words)I hated doing it at first but it did work and quickly.

With mundane tasks like getting dressed,putting on shoes ect I've always found turning it into a fun race has made all 5DC of ours(two have asd)has made them move faster and stopped them moaning.
Brushing teeth until they're 7 they recommend you help LO's brush they're teeth,with my youngest DD6 and asd she went through a stage of hating having to brush her teeth(even if me or Dad were brushing them for her)so I'd make up a silly character for the toothbrush,he is french and very camp and very posh(don't ask) and then he would come to inspect my DD's teeth and give them a little tickle with the toothbrush.It works every time with her.

I found with my oldest it became a lot easier once he started school.