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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To stop contact with kids grandparents. Very long

70 replies

NacMacFeeglie · 10/08/2014 14:37

I have not done this yet. But I won't lie. I want to.

So background. Was brought up with my dad and a step mum who had three children of her own. I do refer to them as my brothers and sister. I also have one blood brother.

When I was seven I was abused. It continued for three years. I finally wrote it all down and left the letter for my step mum to find. The abuser was spoken to then it was all brushed under the carpet. However my step mum never believed me and as it would turn out most of my immediate family didn't either.

At the age of eighteen I woke up at my mums new year party to find a man in the process of having sex with me. I froze and pretended to be asleep until he finished and left. I never told anyone about it. I had told of my abuse and hadn't been believed so why would I say about a rape.

Start of this year I had a breakdown. Extreme crisis. There were a lot of triggers including working a full time stressful sales job and raising four children. My partner and I went through a very bad patch and I found some boy had been trying to have sex with my dd. it was also the anniversary of one of my brothers deaths. I'd also had a cancer scare the previous year and two bouts of pneumonia. Eventually it all accumulated and after one bad argument with my DP I cut my wrist badly. The hospital believed I was struggling as my daughter came close to being abused and I felt I had let her down the way I had been as a child.

I couldn't handle the guilt of cutting my wrist and two weeks later at a house party whilst very drunk I decided it would be a great idea to take a pill. I don't take drugs ever and have strong feelings about them but that night for whatever reason I gave them a go. I had a terrible reaction and a subsequent breakdown.

Anyways. If you are still with me. I went through extreme anxiety and severe depression. Saw my crisis team daily and began to recover with the help of meds. One stabilised enough I began having counselling.

This is where a lot of anger and hurt I'd pushed down over the years came out. My counsellor helped me see my family had badly let me down. I was abused but no one stood up for me. No one made sure I was coping okay afterward. And they actually asked me if I was telling the truth several years later.

My brother and sister in law I was very close to. For four years. My SIL was my best friend and I thought the world of her. Until I found out her and my brother were planning a nice holiday away. With my abuser. That actually broke my heart.

Eventually I snapped one night. I outed my abuser very publically to all my friends and family via a social networking site. Made sure everyone knew exactly what he was.

Naturally my family were not
Impressed. My stepmother sent my abuser a message asking if he was okay Hmm my sister in law gave my private phone number to my abusers wife. My abuser tried to deny it all so I told him to contact my father who spoke to him about it at the time. My father told him it was just kids being kids and they'd all forgotten about it. Hmm

Things became worse. I phoned my SIL in a rage that she had given my private number to my abusers wife. She denied it and sent the police round to warn me to not contact her Hmm

My step mother sister and sister in law all began posting things on fb about me. Calling me liar etc. they all removed me and blocked me.

I was still in counselling at that point which got me through. My counsellor was absolutely amazing.

I didn't want anything to do with my step mother who had removed me but added my abuser and I refused to have her in my house. My father basically chose her over seeing me and the grandchildren because he wouldn't come and see us unless she could too.

Recently things got even worse where I discovered my father had got with my mother when she was fourteen and he was twenty two. From speaking to my mum I realised he was an abuser too. Which explained why he'd never really done anything about mine and also my brothers abuse.

He also used to beat my blood brother. I used to jump in and try to stop him. My brother and I are super close.

I have actually changed my surname since and I really don't want my children to have anything to do with that side of my family. When I finally discovered my step mother wasn't my real mother they told me so many lies about her.

They also rarely bother to see the kids anyways and think chucking presents at them twice a year and bags of sweets makes them good grandparents. My SIL has four and my sister has two. All of which see them a lot lot more than mine do.

I want to keep my children away from a family that is a bunch of abusers or abused. I want to keep them away from people that basically advocate child abuse.

So AIBU.

OP posts:
NacMacFeeglie · 11/08/2014 09:25

I think I've been a bit off with my DP yesterday. I am fine usually but when I remind myself of my family and everything that's gone on I go a bit weird. Insecure and irritable. Defensive too. This is why I need closure and complete nc. It's not good for me and subsequently my DP and my children.

OP posts:
ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 11/08/2014 09:40

OP you've been through so much trauma Thanks

Second those saying you should go to the police, assuming you are up to it - it won't be easy, but may help give closure. By 15, he knew definitely knew what he was doing. It cannot be dismissed as kids being kids. You have been so badly let down, it's heartbreaking.

And absolutely YANBU re NC.

flippinada · 11/08/2014 09:44

Shame on your family. How dare your SIL give your number to those people. That sounds like a deliberate act of cruelty.

I also just wanted totake a moment to say, I believe you too. I'm sure lots of people who are reading will be thinking the same thing, even if they don't want to post.

Your courage and strength really stands out from this thread.Thanks

NacMacFeeglie · 11/08/2014 09:52

Thank you. It means a lot to hear those words however it also makes me sad that complete strangers can believe me but my own family couldn't.

I even contacted a company that did lie detector tests. Unfortunately never mind the fact it would cost me over five hundred pound they don't do them for the victim. Only the accused.

My counsellor asked me if I thought showing them a test would actually change anything. Sadly not.

OP posts:
flippinada · 11/08/2014 09:57

I can understand that. Family are supposed to be the people you can count on to love and support you. They're meant to be in your corner. When they aren't, it's really hurtful.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 11/08/2014 09:59

I believe you.

They are too weak to rock the boat. Minimising it by saying it's "kids being kids" is disgusting. As is your SIL's betrayal.

So sorry you are having to go through all this. You are being so amazingly strong.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 11/08/2014 10:31

OP, what a wonderful, strong woman you are. You're evidently working through something so traumatic and upsetting in order to protect your children and save yourself further heartache. A brave step, given the ongoing emotional abuse from your family. Keep going and in any moments of doubt, come back to this thread and see the support you have from strangers.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 11/08/2014 10:34

I believe you and YANBU at all to have nothing to do with these people.

NacMacFeeglie · 11/08/2014 10:44

I almost want to forward this thread to them. But I know as my counsellor says nothing will change. They will never apologise. They will never stand in my corner.

There is more background with my SIL. Her and my sister fell out some years ago regarding my sister reading my sils private emails. I took my sils side after my SIL informed me of all the horrible things my sister said. Including I cried too much at my brothers funeral. For three years my SIL refused to have anything to do with my sister. Now all this has kicked off suddenly they are best of friends again. It's so fake it's unreal.

As for my step mum it turns out she has been harbouring a dislike for me for some time. My mother was witness to her saying so. That I was my fathers golden girl and noone could say anything to him about me.

When I was seventeen I found out my blood brother had been abused. By my step mothers son. My other brother. I challenged him on it. He told me it was experimental. Two months later he killed himself and I was sure it was because the abuse had come out. But nothing was said to my own brother. He was treated horrifically growing up. Yet he was clearly playing up because of what was happening to him. I don't know for sure but I would say my step mother probably began to dislike me from then onwards.

I was heart broken when my brother killed himself. We were close particularly so in the last year in the run up to his suicide. I had a lot of counselling to help me realise that it was okay to love the person he was and still hate what he did to my brother. At his funeral I was in pieces. I had never seen anyone dead never mind my own brother. I also blamed myself. So yes I was pretty inconsolable. My blood brother was also struggling that day. I was trying to be there for him and deal with my own emotions. It was incredibly hard.

A month later my best friend hung himself. My ex fiancé and I had borrowed some money from my best friend to repair my ex fiances car. We also moved house and it was agreed I would pay the deposit and rent and my fiancé would pay our friend back. Unfortunately a few weeks later we split and my fiancé only paid half of the money owed. I couldn't get the rest of the money together immediately as I had just paid rent and deposit on a house. My best mate killed himself partly to do with money worries and again I blame myself. So I went off the rails and didn't behave well during that time. Eventually I moved away.

I only moved back after I had my girls. I wanted them to have a big family. And a relationship with their grandparents. Oh how I regret that now. If I could move away I would but their father lives here now so I can't.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 11/08/2014 13:44

This sounds like a total horror story

You thought you had family members on side. You didn't. They are now forgot friendships and alliances with the more toxic people in your family.

It is absolutely pointless looking to any of them for loyalty, help or friendship.

They prefer the company of child molesters.

You would be right to sever all contact. Delete their numbers from your phone. All FB contact. Everything. If I could, I would move house too. Just disappear forever with my dcs.

NacMacFeeglie · 11/08/2014 14:28

Not as bad as what some people have to go through. Though my counsellor would tell me I am minimising again.

I am definitely going no contact. I know it's the right decision. I think a little part of me still holds on to before I was seven. When I had a normal family and everything was fine. My counsellor used to ask me what I wanted from life now and as boring as it sounds all I want is a peaceful normal life with no dramas and to give my children what I lost through no fault of my own.

Sadly I think I will always carry to some degree issues regarding rejection and abandonment. My mother left when I was two however she wanted custody but my dad made sure she didn't get it. She got visitation rights but he took her back to court and had them removed too. She told me he told her when they split that he would take her kids away and he did. My first actual memory is standing in my grandmothers door step watching a blue car driving away and my granny being cross because I was crying.

I later found out that my mum had come back to get my brother and I and we weren't allowed to go. It was her driving away.

Bearing in mind my mother was fourteen when my dad aged twenty two got with her. He married her at sixteen. She had my brother and I by the time she was twenty. He then had an affair with my step mum. She never really stood a chance against him.

I often wonder how different things may have been if she had got us.

Anyways I am coming to accept that the people I thought my family were are gone and nc is the only way for the sake of my emotional state and also for my children. I am engaged now to a man that thankfully put up with my self destructive behaviour and understands for the most when I have some bad days. I am hoping one day my children and I will have that peaceful settled life we all deserve.

I still have my mum. She and I have had our ups and downs but she has always supported me. And I still have my blood brother. He means the world to me. Even though he is older as children I protected him from toddlers. My dad was violent with my mum and I used to sit on the stairs cuddling my brother. As we grew up when my dad got violent with my brother I was the only one that defended him. I would shout at my dad and tell him to leave him alone or sometimes actually try to get inbetween them. I was usually rewarded with being dragged up to my room. Once by my hair. He hit me only once as a young teen whilst trying to protect my brother. It was the first and last time. I climbed out my window and ran to a phone box. Contacted my mother and reported him. It subsequently was the last time he hurt my brother.

OP posts:
NacMacFeeglie · 11/08/2014 14:35

I would also move away like a shot if I could. But my children's father lives here. Also my mum and my two best friends.

I should say that around three years ago I threatened my dad with no contact. He rarely bothered to visit the children and I but could find the time to visit the other grandchildren of my step mums. I got fed up and told him if he couldn't give them his time rather than presents on birthdays and Christmas he could just stay away from them. Only then he started to make the effort once a month.

It was also agreed they would spend a Christmas between each of us children. They never spent a single one with us. I would try to arrange a Father's Day dinner but my SIL would get in there first. I can't remember the last time I saw him on Father's Day. As a lone parent I was never quite sure how finances would be until quite near the time in which case something was always already arranged. I never said anything.

I realise I probably sound quite bitter and it's only one side of a crappy story. I just wanted to give all reasons for nc.

OP posts:
NacMacFeeglie · 11/08/2014 15:45

Anyways thanks for all the replies and support. I really wasn't expecting it. Thanks

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 11/08/2014 15:54

Well now is your chance to create your own family. Secure and safe with nobody able to pull the rug from under you again.

Watch out though. When your family realise you've quietly faded from view and actually disappeared, they won't like it. They may well try to draw you in again. Don't be sucked into their world again. It's only damaged you so far.

I really hope you find serenity. You deserve it.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 11/08/2014 15:57

You're bloody brave, Nac.

ohfourfoxache · 11/08/2014 16:05

Nac you are amazing.

You don't need them. All they have done is pull you down repeatedly, colluded with each other and actually been utterly abusive.

Protect yourself and your wonderful family and don't let these bastards through your defences x

NacMacFeeglie · 12/08/2014 09:00

Thank you. I was quite down last night really. I have decided to stick with no contact and to resume my counselling too for a short while. Smile

OP posts:
flippinada · 12/08/2014 10:07

Nac sorry to hear you were feeling low. Your plan of action sounds good. Please take care.

NacMacFeeglie · 12/08/2014 11:46

It's always the case when I allow myself to think about my family sadly. Because ultimately deep down you can't just turn off the love. I loved my dad for years and years. A proper daddies girl. I loved my brother. My step mum. All of them at some point. In some ways I think I have been grieving for the people they used to be in my head. But the people they are now I don't miss. It's a strange set of emotions.

OP posts:
flippinada · 12/08/2014 11:50

I think that's understandable. Love can't be just switched off.

I've had some trauma in my childhood and it does leave you with some very complex and difficult emotions.

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