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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To stop contact with kids grandparents. Very long

70 replies

NacMacFeeglie · 10/08/2014 14:37

I have not done this yet. But I won't lie. I want to.

So background. Was brought up with my dad and a step mum who had three children of her own. I do refer to them as my brothers and sister. I also have one blood brother.

When I was seven I was abused. It continued for three years. I finally wrote it all down and left the letter for my step mum to find. The abuser was spoken to then it was all brushed under the carpet. However my step mum never believed me and as it would turn out most of my immediate family didn't either.

At the age of eighteen I woke up at my mums new year party to find a man in the process of having sex with me. I froze and pretended to be asleep until he finished and left. I never told anyone about it. I had told of my abuse and hadn't been believed so why would I say about a rape.

Start of this year I had a breakdown. Extreme crisis. There were a lot of triggers including working a full time stressful sales job and raising four children. My partner and I went through a very bad patch and I found some boy had been trying to have sex with my dd. it was also the anniversary of one of my brothers deaths. I'd also had a cancer scare the previous year and two bouts of pneumonia. Eventually it all accumulated and after one bad argument with my DP I cut my wrist badly. The hospital believed I was struggling as my daughter came close to being abused and I felt I had let her down the way I had been as a child.

I couldn't handle the guilt of cutting my wrist and two weeks later at a house party whilst very drunk I decided it would be a great idea to take a pill. I don't take drugs ever and have strong feelings about them but that night for whatever reason I gave them a go. I had a terrible reaction and a subsequent breakdown.

Anyways. If you are still with me. I went through extreme anxiety and severe depression. Saw my crisis team daily and began to recover with the help of meds. One stabilised enough I began having counselling.

This is where a lot of anger and hurt I'd pushed down over the years came out. My counsellor helped me see my family had badly let me down. I was abused but no one stood up for me. No one made sure I was coping okay afterward. And they actually asked me if I was telling the truth several years later.

My brother and sister in law I was very close to. For four years. My SIL was my best friend and I thought the world of her. Until I found out her and my brother were planning a nice holiday away. With my abuser. That actually broke my heart.

Eventually I snapped one night. I outed my abuser very publically to all my friends and family via a social networking site. Made sure everyone knew exactly what he was.

Naturally my family were not
Impressed. My stepmother sent my abuser a message asking if he was okay Hmm my sister in law gave my private phone number to my abusers wife. My abuser tried to deny it all so I told him to contact my father who spoke to him about it at the time. My father told him it was just kids being kids and they'd all forgotten about it. Hmm

Things became worse. I phoned my SIL in a rage that she had given my private number to my abusers wife. She denied it and sent the police round to warn me to not contact her Hmm

My step mother sister and sister in law all began posting things on fb about me. Calling me liar etc. they all removed me and blocked me.

I was still in counselling at that point which got me through. My counsellor was absolutely amazing.

I didn't want anything to do with my step mother who had removed me but added my abuser and I refused to have her in my house. My father basically chose her over seeing me and the grandchildren because he wouldn't come and see us unless she could too.

Recently things got even worse where I discovered my father had got with my mother when she was fourteen and he was twenty two. From speaking to my mum I realised he was an abuser too. Which explained why he'd never really done anything about mine and also my brothers abuse.

He also used to beat my blood brother. I used to jump in and try to stop him. My brother and I are super close.

I have actually changed my surname since and I really don't want my children to have anything to do with that side of my family. When I finally discovered my step mother wasn't my real mother they told me so many lies about her.

They also rarely bother to see the kids anyways and think chucking presents at them twice a year and bags of sweets makes them good grandparents. My SIL has four and my sister has two. All of which see them a lot lot more than mine do.

I want to keep my children away from a family that is a bunch of abusers or abused. I want to keep them away from people that basically advocate child abuse.

So AIBU.

OP posts:
Username12345 · 10/08/2014 17:05

YANBU

They all sound very toxic. Cut them out completely and focus on your family (H + kids) and your healing.

yongnian · 10/08/2014 17:17

YANBU at all. You have been extremely brave in finding your voice and of course YANBU to want to protect your children from these people. Cut them off. I wish you all the love in the world for what you've been through and for your future. Take care.

Amy106 · 10/08/2014 17:38

YANBU. Cut the lot of them out of your life for good. Wishing you a very happy future. Thanks

KnackeredMuchly · 10/08/2014 18:42

No contact.
No stress.
Save yourself.
Choose your true family.

redexpat · 10/08/2014 18:46

YANBU. Focus on your own family and your own well being.

CundtBake · 10/08/2014 18:57

YANBU in the slightest. Well done.

I am also having counselling surrounding similar circumstances and was also let down by the people who were meant to protect me. My counsellor is always encouraging me to find the voice I didn't have as a child. You have done this and you should be proud of yourself, it was a very very brave thing to do.

Protect yourself and your family by building a happier, freedom filled life without them.

Thanks
lizhow14 · 10/08/2014 18:58

YANBU at all. I think you are doing the right thing.
I would also encourage you to go back to police. My sis works in CID on historical abuse cases - people have been convicted for abuse that happened over 40 years ago- it's not just your word against his, there is often other evidence e.g. child pornography on computer, other allegations etc.

ChillySundays · 10/08/2014 19:01

I agree with lizhow14. Go back to the police. I doubt he just abused you and they could still be abusing children

Chippednailvarnish · 10/08/2014 19:02

Put yourself first and cut contact. You deserve so much better.

EverythingCounts · 10/08/2014 19:07

YANBU. Walk away with your head held high. Don't give them even an opportunity to let your kids down in any way remotely like this.

NacMacFeeglie · 10/08/2014 19:15

He was twelve. I was seven. That's my father is of the opinion it was kids being kids. Despite the fact I graphically described what he did to me in the letter I wrote when I was ten. They asked me if I had been reading my grans mills and boons. Hmm

He was also a big twelve year old. He plays rugby now.

I have thought about going back to the police. But he was a minor. And it's historical. I think the time has passed that I could do anything about it.

I am still very affected by it. To this day I cannot relax enough during bedroom activities. Not can I allow certain things to take place. I don't want to go into details.

I just don't want my children around these people. I am wondering if there is actually something legal I can put in place.

Thanks for your support. I deliberately posted in AIBU. If there is one place I will get totally direct feedback it would be here. Smile

OP posts:
flyingtrue · 10/08/2014 19:21

YANBU OP. It doesn't sound like any of them deserve you in their lives, or deserve to be around you and their family. What a bunch of bastards. I'm sorry OP they really let you down, they aren't family they are people who don't deserve any more chances.

PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker · 10/08/2014 19:24

I really, really think you should go to the police about your abuser. He probably has contact with other children and you could put a stop to his evil.

So sorry x

NacMacFeeglie · 10/08/2014 19:45

They know. It was reported just I chose not to take further action. I was twelve by then and scared about how the rest of the family would react. My grandparents in particular whom I was very close to. I wish my mum had pushed me harder to take him to court now but at the time I was a mess of a twelve year old.

He since got together with a woman that had a little girl to someone else. They now have three children together. She is the one my SIL gave my number too. She was absolutely vile to me. I got a text calling me a fucking bitch. Didn't recognise the number so called it and my abuser answered. She continued texting after he went to call my dad trying to say it was just kids I was just attention seeking and my family hated me. I was just trying to cause trouble.

It wasn't pleasant speaking to either of them. And it was my own family that gave my number over. Then called the police on me when I called them out on it.

I just want to move on. How can I if they keep being in my life through having contact with my children. How could I ever feel comfortable with over night stays etc. i don't think they have any right to my children. Not after how they have behaved.

But I don't want to hurt my children. Really I only care about them and I wouldn't like my decision to be one they dislike me for later on in life. However I really think I have to do this.

OP posts:
Ratbagcatbag · 10/08/2014 19:56

My uncle abused me, besides my mum, the family rallied round him and it was never mentioned again. My mum went nc with nearly all her family as they'd been fed poison by the other brothers and sisters.

I went to the police as an adult, it was an historical case. He went down for it, two family members apologised to my mum and have built tentative bridges. The rest of the family still believe I was such a good liar he had to plead guilty. I am nc with them all. No hassle, no stress, just complete denial that they are related to me.

NacMacFeeglie · 10/08/2014 21:55

I'm so sorry ratbag. I'm glad you got him sent down.

Id like to see the paperwork of my case first. I never knew my father made a statement when I was fourteen. If I was to take him to court I doubt it would change anything with my family. They wouldn't line up to apologise. Id probably be terrible for tearing up my abusers family etc. they have decided im the bad guy in all of this and that won't change.

In my eyes they are just as bad as him.

OP posts:
Sparklypants · 10/08/2014 23:13

YANBU!

Cut all ties.
They bring nothing to your life but hurt.
You deserve more.

Thanks
SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 11/08/2014 00:24

You would be doing your children a massive favour cutting contact with these people. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I believe you.

blanklook · 11/08/2014 00:52

You are so brave. It's a very good idea to see the paperwork from your case, I wonder why your father made a statement about him to the Police when you were fourteen. There's too much of a time delay there for it to be about your original report to the Police, you need to know why your father made that statement at that time.

Change your phone number, take screenshots of any online nastiness you receive from anyone and when you are ready, please consider going back to the Police.

It's not too late to reopen your case, look at all of the historical abuse cases going on right now that cover men with a lifetime of abuse. Every one of their victims thought they would not be believed. Your abuser may have done it to someone else.

Flowers for you and Ratbag you are both strong and amazing women.

Appletini · 11/08/2014 02:30

YANBU. You and your DC deserve a life free of this shit. You are right to make this choice.

I am so sorry you were not supported when you needed and deserved help.

NacMacFeeglie · 11/08/2014 04:16

My father told me it was because social services became involved at that time and I began to see a social worker once a week. I flat out refused to talk to her however. As in would not say a single word. Eventually she gave up. I was put on the at risk to myself register though I believe. During that time my father says he made the statement out of worry.

Next Saturday I will afford the fee to get copies of the paperwork. When I first wanted them my plan was actually to copy them and send copies to my parents and my abuser. Counselling has helped me see that I am never going to get the recognition to what's been done to me however. Now I just want to see the whole story.

It's amazing how powerful three little words are. I believe you Smile

I have text my father. It's the only way to have contact as he won't answer a phone etc. the contact between that side of my family and my children is over. I feel nothing but relief and sadness. I have now blocked his number and will be changing mine later today.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I was trying to steel myself for a telling off. You have all helped me make the decision Thanks

OP posts:
bedraggledmumoftwo · 11/08/2014 07:26

I believe you op. Even if your dad thought it was just kids playing when you were seven and twelve, you said it went on for three years, by which point a fifteen year old boy is definitely not innocent

happytalk13 · 11/08/2014 07:38

YANBU at all. Not. One. Bit.

I'm really sorry you have been so badly let down by people who were supposed to protect you.

Now you can ensure that your children will not be let down - by keeping them away from people who are unbelievably screwed up.

You're a good mum.

KEGirlOnFire · 11/08/2014 07:50

OP, totally agree with what everyone else has said about the abuse, YANBU.

But what about the rape when you were 18 aswell. Do you know who that was? Would it be worth mentioning this to the Police aswell to find out if there was anything you can do about that? It's horrible to think that a nasty person like that could carry on doing that to others... Sad

You've been so brave.

NacMacFeeglie · 11/08/2014 08:22

Bedraggled I had experience of kids being kids too. The whole you show me yours I'll show you mine. What my abuser did was far from that. He knew it was wrong enough to tell me not to tell anyone. That my father would never believe me and would hate me. He wasn't far wrong there either Hmm

He actually lived down South and would come up for a week to two week holidays. That's when he would do what he did.

Regarding the rape as a teen. I didn't do anything. I pretended to be asleep. I only knew who it was by opening my eyes as he was leaving the room. He was my cousins boyfriend at the time. I never told anyone because I'd pretty much learned that telling the truth made you a trouble causer. So I said nothing.

Yes I would take him to court. I would want to speak to my cousin first though. Apparently after they split she went to stay with him just as friends. Something happened but no one knows what. She returned and never had anything to do with him again.

He also stayed with my mother for a few days. She woke up one night to find him sat on the edge of her bed taking his pants off. Unlike me she dealt with him pretty quickly.

OP posts: