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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

We should cancel this holiday - sleeping bags soaked before we even leave, estranged parents

69 replies

justfoundout2014 · 10/08/2014 11:01

I have had a few threads recently about my sahd h who has been sleeping with a mutual friend for 2.5 years. We are separated (rooms) and he will move out when we get back from this family holiday in UK that the dc have been looking forward to.

We are supposed to be camping (pods, not tents, which is something) but, of course there is torrential rain here and in our destination. When we moved in here, h insisted on keeping all camping stuff, even sleeping bags, in the garage. I said with the slightest risk of damp they should go in the huge attic room which is a proper room, so easily accessible. No. All camping gear must go in the garage. The garage had a leak we were unaware of. The bags are absolutely drenched and there is smell of damp, so I don't think it's the first time they have got wet over the year . He has gone to check on the airbeds.

I have had to tell the dc we will go tomorrow, not today, which has caused tears, but I'm not really sure the stuff will be fit to use tomorrow. I just feel drained. Really, really, didn't want to go anyway and now this. Every day some other shit caused by him. He has taken the view that we have to act normal for the dc (fine) but that we can't even discuss our issues when they are in bed as there's 'no point in screaming at each other.' Not fine. I don't want to scream, but I can't just go on like nothing is happening.

We can't afford to replace it all right now. I just want to give up on it, but can't let the dc down. FFS.

Have just heard him come in and turn the hairdryer on, so I assume the airbeds are indeed wet, and he is trying to dry them like a twat. There are four dripping sleeping bags here, the smell is getting stronger. What the fuck do I do?

OP posts:

MassaAttack · 10/08/2014 11:14

X-post there with seriously. I meant 'seriously', not to refer to seriously

Original poster

justfoundout2014 · 10/08/2014 11:17

Thank you seriously we are in Midlands but think we are ok now .

Ok, we confused no dry-cleaning for no tumble-drying symbols . We will wash and dry tonight and go tomorrow (with duvets, if it doesn't work for some reason). We are in a pod, not a tent, so should be okish once there.

hesterton I am just going to have to grin and bear it for the dc, and get some space if it gets too much. Can't imagine telling them Daddy isn't coming now - no way am I missing their holiday.

OP posts:

dottytablecloth · 10/08/2014 11:17

Are you going on holiday just for the sake of the children?

I really don't know why you didn't cancel it.

It'll be a disaster.

dottytablecloth · 10/08/2014 11:18

I haven't seen you other threads, but when did you find out he was cheating.

Feel so sorry for you and your dc

Trollsworth · 10/08/2014 11:22

Personally I would cancel it. It is his own fault all your bedding is wet and he should have listened to you. I would tell the children what has happened to the bedding, and that you are going to take them to the sea side when it is sunny.

Then in a couple of weeks, pull out al the stops and take them to the coast for a few days in the sun with just you, not your stupid fucking 'husband'.

That's just me. I've had nightmare holidays before, for the sake of keeping up appearances, it nearly gave me a nervous breakdown. Never ever again.

Original poster

justfoundout2014 · 10/08/2014 11:30

I probably should cancel it, but I feel so tired and drained. I can't find the energy and the confidence to do something as final as telling him he can't come. I have said it in an obviously 'not meaning it' way several times, but he seems to know I won't do it. He actually laughs and says 'don't be silly'. I can't stop crying now, I feel such an idiot.

OP posts:

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 10/08/2014 11:31

There's nothing worse than camping in torrential rain and bad weather. It brings out the worst in everyone and that's even if you get on normally. Is it wise going? It could make the whole situation dreadful. particularly for the children.

freyaW2014 · 10/08/2014 11:33

'Don't be silly'? Omfg he has zero respect for you! What a wanker.

I'm so sorry op

LuisSuarezTeeth · 10/08/2014 11:34

Sounds like you should forget it and do something else with the DC. Sorry you're in this situation, sounds awful

Original poster

justfoundout2014 · 10/08/2014 11:38

I know Freya, but why? I have built a successful career, been fully involved with the children, supported him through illness. Why doesn't he respect me. I keep thinking, this can't be the real him and needling him to get a response I want, but it never comes.

His mother is a feminist academic who was on a GG's Top 50 most influential women list' and yet her son is like this. Why? Why am I so crap to him?

OP posts:

MmeMorrible · 10/08/2014 11:39

Really don't let him go with you. Sounds like you need space and the DC deserve their holiday. Kids aren't stupid they'll sense there is a toxic atmosphere at home and probably need to get away from that as much as you do.

Cereal0ffender · 10/08/2014 11:42

You are in a horrendous situation. He needs to leave

maddening · 10/08/2014 11:45

If you look at halfords you can get 4 man camping sets for £70 which includes 4 sleeping bags and 4 camp mats?

freyaW2014 · 10/08/2014 11:53

I don't know why but you're in an emotional mess and he is using this holiday as a way of still being around.
He knows you don't want to upset the dc's and probably can't believe his luck that he can pretend Alls ok like this. He is a complete arse and his lack of respect is not a reflection on you at all. None of this is your fault and I'm so sorry you're going through this

GoldfishCrackers · 10/08/2014 11:54

OP this sounds so so hard for you. You know when you've for flu or something and you just can't muster up the energy to get out of bed to get some paracetamol, but if you could just gather the burst of strength needed you'd feel so muh better? That's what your situation reminds me of.

Seriously, being stuck in the pissing rain in an 8ft square camping pod with this man is going to be hellish. For you and the DC. They will be breathing in the atmosphere and there will be no fooling them.

I know it seems like it will take more energy than you have right now, but you have to tell your horrible H that he's not coming, and you're taking the DC. The DC might be disappointed, but you're the adult and you know that they'll have a much nicer time without daddy. You'll be a million times more relaxed. There will be no sniping. No dismissing of your feelings. You won't have to lie beside him in a confined space despising the way he breathes.
Good luck OP you can do this.

CSIJanner · 10/08/2014 12:01

I've been reading your threads and lurking - I know he's the SAHD but can you not look into au pairs or some sort of childminding option and he him out. This isn't good for you or the children, whereas he's had his cake and and is still living in creature comforts.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 10/08/2014 12:02

I think one or other of you should go and take the children. It is not feasible to play happy families, I would be on the verge of tears (or just plain in tears) all the time - which it sounds like you are. You don't have to do this, it won't make it more bearable for the children when you split at all, it will make no difference. If anything it may allow things to deteriorate or you may lose it on holiday. I certainly would with a man who wouldn't let me have my say about his several year affair as a SAHD boffing my friend.

You can't go with him- either he goes on his own, or you go. Just crack on and tell the children too, they will be picking up all the passive aggressive stuff, mum's tears, false jollity of dad. I would get it over and done with today and then whoever is in the best shape takes the children away for a few days to help them discuss and process the news.

It's like if you pretend everything is ok, everyone will be fine with it. The children won't, but they will live, I think better lance the boil myself.

LeezieLindsay · 10/08/2014 12:24

Go outdoors, tesco and asda have cheap airbeds. Go outdoors more likely to have them in stock.
Sleeping bags can be machine washed in my experience. Hang over doors to dry.
I tend to use duvets when camping these days. You can get cheap ones from supermarkets.

But I think either you or he need to stay at home and the other go on holiday.
Its going to be miserable for you both.
And not much fun for the kids

Finney2 · 10/08/2014 12:52

OP the fact he doesn't respect you is a reflection on him, not on you. He clearly has too big an ego to have respect for anyone apart from himself.

I really, really would do everything I could not to go camping with him. Can he take the DC alone and you stay at home and make your separation preparations (I didn't mean that to rhyme, but I quite like it)?

Lots of love to you xx

Trollsworth · 10/08/2014 13:24

Sen him on holiday with them. Let HIM organise his stupid wet beds, and two pissed off children, on his own. He might as well get used to dealing with the consequences of his actions now because this is the end of you sweeping up after his fuck ups.

Seriously. Wait for a nice day in a few weeks and take them to Skegness. I see you are in the midlands - so am I and my kids love a trip to skegvegas, no matter how much hoummous I make them eat day to day.

fun1nthesun · 10/08/2014 13:46

Just I honestly don't know how you can continue living like that. Supressing all of your emotions is going to lead to stress related illness eventually (think of a pressure cooker left on for a long time....) I don't think sacrificing yourself for the sake of the kids is going to work, they will pick up on your sadness and anger. I agree with trolls, let him take the kids on holiday and do all the work and you go out and have some fun.

You don't want to go, you are dreading it.

Just.don't.go

Make him work a little bit

HumptyWasPushed · 10/08/2014 13:58

Where are you OP? I'm in staffs and have sleeping bags, and would be happy to lend.

TSSDNCOP · 10/08/2014 14:01

The part where you wrote about the hair dryer going on actually made me clench my toes in fury. I'd have brained him there and then, so well done OP.

Go on holiday. I couldn't let DC down either, not now its so close. It can't be longer than 2 weeks. Take a notebook and use it to make all the plans you need to get this twat out of your life before a certain date. Bit of empowerment. Might need to hide it in your drawers though.

Good luck. Start a little advent calendar for your new life without him.

BBQSteak · 10/08/2014 14:04

what trollwworth said, you take them in a week or two when the weather picks up

only needs to be a couple of days at the seaside will do you all good

unless, your just clinging on to him and don't really want to split up inspite off all his done??

Original poster

justfoundout2014 · 10/08/2014 14:40

Well, the sun is out now and we are going. I know you are all right and that I look a sap, but I'm going through with it. I have told him if he keeps speaking to me like crap, rolling his eyes etc I will get the train home and bag up his stuff. Who knows if I would really do that, though . I would come home, but doubt I would chuck his stuff outside.

He is definitely moving out when we get back. I don't want him, but I want the marriage I thought we had. Working f/t in my career was only just possible because he was sahd and did nearly all housework. I have no idea how or if I will cope when he has gone and term starts again. I suppose I will just have to see.

OP posts:

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