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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I really missed out on being a carefree teenager because of my uber-strict parents?

26 replies

erineve · 09/08/2014 23:28

My parents were always very strict when I was a child and teenager. Well, I say strict but actually pretty bloody abusive really. My eldest DD is a teenager now and I think this has really brought it home to me about how much I missed out and was suppressed during my teens.

My parents used to sulk for days on end with me about any perceived slight. This may be something such as being 1 minute home late, or not saying thank you in the correct tone of voice. Teen years were spent walking on eggshells, not really able to develop a personality or opinions of my own.

I was not really allowed friends round, nor to stay out late at all. If I went to a friend's house I'd get sulked at afterwards by parents. Whenever I got home from a night out my parents would find something to tell me off about the next day. They were always both so uptight and miserable, I could never talk to them about anything.

I never was able to do any travelling with friends or have any girly holidays whilst still living with parents because they said that I would be kicked out of the house if I did either of these. I also was forced to leave school at 16 and work in a shop, even though I wanted to do a-levels.

And one last thing, my mum always went on about how I was selfish and vain, so to keep her happy I never really dressed up or enjoyed clothes as a teen when I was skinny. I used to get told off and given a hard time if I washed my hair more than twice a week. I also got smacked regularly until I left home at 20, which of course meant I was quite terrified at times.

I am now non contact with my parents, and I have had counselling which has been brilliant, however I just can't help feeling quite bitter about my teenage years and about how they robbed me of being a carefree teenager.

BTW I am a regular but namechanged for this

OP posts:
teaandtoastandbutter · 09/08/2014 23:36

I understand although for different reasons. My mum had cancer and then died as a teenager and my dad fell apart so while my friends were having boyfriends, going out, then later travelling and loving the 'uni' experience, I - wasn't.

You do just have to get over it in a sense, it's rubbish though. Sorry about your adolescence, it sounds awful Flowers

thenightsky · 09/08/2014 23:37

your teen years sound very like mine Sad

I would be locked out if I was a min late home (curfew was 9pm) if bus was running late that didn't matter, I was still locked out. I was expected to spend the night over the wall in the field opposite the house.

thenightsky · 09/08/2014 23:39

Oh and yes... re the washing hair thing... I was only allowed to wash hair once a fortnight.. was 'vain' to do more.

Original poster
erineve · 09/08/2014 23:43

Thank you both for your replies. Sorry to hear you both had horrible teenage years too Flowers

I used to feel like my parents were looking for faults all the time and for things to be cross with me about. My dad had been promising me when I was 17 to pay for some driving lessons. I then went out one night, got in at 10, and because he said I smelt of smoke from being a pub and that it would stop him sleeping all night because he didnt' like the smell, he said to forget about the lessons.

OP posts:
GhettoFabulous · 09/08/2014 23:45

I went from abusive parents, to a string of abusive relationships - they absolutely groomed me for a lifetime of abuse. I've only just got my act together, and I'm 45. I missed out on so many ordinary things and struggle with some completely normal interaction. I do feel bitter about it.

Mondaybaby · 09/08/2014 23:45

erineve, that sounds so horrible. Your parents, esp your mother, sound like they had severe issues.
But surely, the best revenge is for you to live your life now happily and give your children the joy and love that you didn't have.
I don't mean this in a flippant way at all and am aware how easy it is to say these things. But it does seem like a desperate shame for your parents to continue to ruin your life.
Sending you courage and a hug (if that is allowed on MN!!!!)

CrystalDeCanter · 09/08/2014 23:47

They sound awful erineve. YANBU in the slightest. Out of interest do you have siblings or were your parents just being weird and cruel to you alone?

AgentZigzag · 09/08/2014 23:47
Flowers

They really did crush you didn't they?

Smacked regularly until you were 20?? Hmm Can I ask what it took for them to stop? (I'm fantasising it's because you twatted them)

My mum was pretty strict (nowhere near the level of what you're describing though) so I moved out at 16, and although it was an important part of making me who I am, it's a (sometimes dangerous) double edged sword and not always all it's cracked up to be (like out of control drinking/shagging).

It's good you've taken control and given them the boot (not that I'm insinuating you should have taken control earlier, you were in an abusive situation), how did it pan out when you backed off?

Are there any of the things you missed out on that you're in a position to do now? Like getting your A'levels and having shit hot clothes/hair (although I can tell from here you've already got that one sorted Smile)

thenightsky · 09/08/2014 23:50

I ran away in the end. Took my building society books and ran. got a room in the nurses home at the hospital I was training at. My dad was gutted. Turned out my mum was the bad one.

Original poster
erineve · 09/08/2014 23:52

Thanks again everyone for the lovely supportive posts :)

Zigzag, the smacking only stopped when I moved out of home and in my an (abusive) boyfriend. The mental abuse continued for several years though in any which way they could find to hurt me, until I binned them off!

I think I am sort of re-living my teenage years a bit now tbh; I buy loads of clothes and enjoy dressing up (was called a slut as a teen if I dressed up), and I am hoping to have a girlie holiday at some point.

OP posts:
Original poster
erineve · 09/08/2014 23:53

Zigzag, the word crushed sums up really well what they did to me.

OP posts:
thenightsky · 09/08/2014 23:56

erineve we've made it through though eh?

Original poster
erineve · 09/08/2014 23:57

Absolutely nightsky Wine

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 09/08/2014 23:57

I know a few people who missed out on their childhoods for one reason or another and they get a real passion on for doing things they couldn't when they were younger.

Part of it for them is definitely sticking two fingers up at the situation they were forced to live in.

Fucking too right Grin

thenightsky · 09/08/2014 23:59

My curfew time was 9pm. I was 19 fucking years old and working as nurse, looking after vulnerable adults. How fucking fucked up was my life?

MorphineDreams · 09/08/2014 23:59

I understand OP and it's shitty isn't it. My mum had problems in which she spent all of her time drinking and locked in her bedroom. Which meant I had to be a parent to my two younger brothers. Despite this they were as good as gold and sometimes I did do teenager stuff - albeit naughty stuff like drinking, clubs, sex etc. I suppose I thought I was expected to be an adult so why not enjoy adult stuff. Before this though my mum put the fear of god into me. I was so so scared of doing anything wrong and so I was scared of doing anything. She once kept me up questioning me until 4am because I hadn't locked the front door. She wouldn't let me drink or go to the toilet instead kept questioning me over and over again.

thenightsky · 10/08/2014 00:02

She once kept me up questioning me until 4am because I hadn't locked the front door

ahahhaah... she sounds exactly like my mother!

cardamomginger · 10/08/2014 00:02

Me too. My parents were fairly successful in their attempt to crush any spark or individuality in me as a child or an adolescent. I remember my teenage years being scared, lonely and utterly uncomprehending of my peers at school and the fun things they used to do. It all seemed so terribly exotic at the time. Only later did I realise how normal their lives were

hiddenhome · 10/08/2014 00:03

I feel for you.

I really wanted to do aid work abroad after I qualified as a nurse, but my evil, abusive mother wouldn't allow it because she needed me to stay with her and give her my wages Sad

I totally missed out on all the usual growing up fun, but I was so glad when I dumped her.

You should try to do some stuff now, you're not too late to have some fun Smile

MorphineDreams · 10/08/2014 00:09

thenight crap isn't it! Horrible at the time. Now I just think.. Wtf?!!

thenightsky · 10/08/2014 00:19

ah... and now my dad is dead and mother has dementia and I have to look after her coz she's my mother. she's forgotten what a misery she made of my teen years.

Latara · 10/08/2014 00:32

My parents were (and are) lovely but they were much stricter with me than with my younger sister mainly because I have Epilepsy that was uncontrolled when I was a teenager and they worried about that.
So I missed out on certain things like nightclubs, drinking etc before I was 18... but once the epilepsy was controlled I soon made up for it all!

My Dad did slap me occasionally (once in the face) when I swore at him, even until I was 18 but I forgave him because I think he just snapped and I have a bit of a temper too - and I was a real moody teenager.

I'm sorry to hear about what you had to put up with OP. Your parents don't sound at all nice. Especially not letting you wash your hair often enough and that kind of thing is awful because when you are a young woman you want to look your best.
I realise how lucky I was because my mum encouraged my sister and I to look good and taught us how to wear make up etc.

Latara · 10/08/2014 00:34

PS. hope you get your girlie holiday!

weatherall · 10/08/2014 01:01

Oh I recognise this.

My parents think I was a 'bad' teen, lol.

I didn't drink, smoke, take drugs, have boyfriends, go out in the evenings, nothing. I was 'cheeky' and that made me bad to the bone. They have no clue what real teens are like!

Mum thought I should only wear tops which came down to thigh length. I wore mostly men's clothes.

Of course this all back fired and I wanted to do everything when I left for Uni. My mum actually threatened to have me sectioned for getting drunk, once. It was like oranges are not the only fruit. She was a fruit loop.

20 years later I'm still feeling the effects of this weird upbringing.

ghostmous3 · 10/08/2014 01:38

Me too. My parents were very strict about everything, from what I wore, the friends I had , to what time I had to be in even when I was 21. I had a curfew of 10 pm up until I was 20. I wasnt allowed out my room at night in case i woke my mum up not even for the loo. She wouldgo bonkers if I did, swearing and screaming at me for being a selfish little bitch for waking her up by creeping accross the landing. I remember having to piss in an empty cup out of fear, and then emptying it out my bedroom window so i didnt have to go to the toilet.

I was not allowed an opinion, or friends back. I was grounded for weeks if i was a minute late.

I was not allowed to have a drink, she said people would say i was a slag, even though she used to drink alot. She controlled what i wore, my mother even announced to a whole shop that people would think i was a lesbian if I bought a swatch watch because ladies onlynwore delicate watches.

She was and still is a fruit loop. I went to uni and completely rebelled, did drugs and got drunk a lot, got pregnant much to her disgust.

My dad died 7 years ago and I now know that it was my mum who was the bad one and notnso much him. Both however were stuck in their ways and were boring fuckers.

Still effects me now to this day, I have no confidence, scared to try new things, dont know how to stand up formyself against family and friends. So much more I havent said