Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To offer to be a surrogate for my friend

60 replies

Catzeyess · 09/08/2014 09:38

This is hypothetical in the sense it will not be for quite a few years.

A close friend cannot carry a child (but can have a genetic one) she has no sisters or cousins and her mum is too old. When she told me my instinct was to offer immediately but I didn't as felt it would be bad to offer then think about it and withdraw the offer later. As I feel it would be much easier for her to have a close friend who she is comfortable with than a stranger.

Hypothetically I mentioned to my mum I would think about being a surrogate for a friend and she freaked out and basically said don't even concider it (my mum doesn't know this is a potentially real situation)

I've never had a baby and would want one of my own first and assuming that my dh agrees (he would obviously have to be completely comfortable and on board) and I can actually have children am I unreasonable to be concidering this?

I don't want to actually offer unless I am serious as I think this will be really unfair.

OP posts:

AlpacaPicnic · 09/08/2014 11:21

Manipulative? Thats a very cold thing to say.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 09/08/2014 11:24

I would do it for my sister or SIL. I'd struggle to do it for anyone else.

Chiana · 09/08/2014 11:25

Gennz, I respectfully but totally disagree. When I burst into tears, it's because I can't control myself. Unless she had an onion in her handkerchief, this would've been a spontaneous reaction. It's not manipulative to be upset by something. It would be manipulative if she then said something cruel or manipulative, but bursting into tears is just OP's friend being a human being as opposed to a cyborg.

Andcake · 09/08/2014 11:28

I would do it - but I think you have to have completed your family first to be eligible.
I would like another dc so not ready yet. I struggled to conceive and to give someone the gift of a child is the best thing one could do. The irony is i have I few eggs but a good womb but have a friend in the reverse situation

scottishmummy · 09/08/2014 11:33

I think your mistaking sympathy,anguish for her gynaecological issues and are misplaced
Are you trying to be heroic and be liked?You let friends have shoes,bag,not babies
I see you've never had your own baby.i suggest you get more mature,more reflective.stop trying to save people

Chiana · 09/08/2014 11:34

OP, I think people are right that you should have your own baby first, before making any such offer.

A close friend of mine acted as a surrogate for her brother and his partner a few years ago. She found giving the twins up harder than she had expected. In fact, she ended up going no contact with her brother and his partner for 3 or 4 months after the birth. They didn't have a row or anything, she just couldn't deal with seeing the twins.

They're two now and everything is fine, nobody's NC, but she still has to bite her tongue when the twins' parents make parenting decisions she disagrees with. Which does happen from time to time, even though they're good parents.

I'm not saying don't do it, but i am saying go into it with your eyes wide open.

Zucker · 09/08/2014 11:38

^^This, I think would be the most difficult thing about doing it for a friend or family, after actually handing away the baby obviously.

Original poster

Catzeyess · 09/08/2014 11:39

If she rejects the offer of course that's totally fine, I want her to be really comfortable, however it's more about whether to offer or not, I don't feel like I am being a martyr, but there is defiantly an element of I feel awful for my friend and want to do anything I can do to help. I'm glad I didn't say anything to her now in the spur of the moment!

You have given me a lot to think about, obviously I don't know until I have a child but at the moment I think I would be happy to think of myself just as the oven and not expect to have a say in how the the child was raised. There is no way I would do it if the child is genetically mine.

I don't think I could have an abortion if the child turned out to have health issues, but I think I would make that clear before starting.

My biggest concern is the health side of it, and I guess it depends on how straight forward I fine pregnancy/hormones etc.

Thanks for your advice all, I definitely need to do more research

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 09/08/2014 11:39

Out of interest how long have you known this pal?does she have partner?who'd provide the sperm?
Your pal will have to learn to regulate her anguish as she'll meet many who are pg and ttc
You come across a bit immature in posts,maybe you're trying to unconsciously fix things

Gennz · 09/08/2014 11:40

bursting into tears is just OP's friend being a human as opposed to a cyborg

Heh, fair enough!

wheresthelight · 09/08/2014 11:42

As someone who was always told I couldn't have kids i think you are a fantastic friend!! Luckily by some bizarre miracle I got pregnant whilst not trying and in the loved up throws ofna very new relationship. I had horrific hyperemesis and the worst pregnancy ever however as i had to be induced for health reasons labour was easy!

I had my best friend and my sister offer to be a surrogate for me if I had wanted it with absolutely no prompting or request from me and the mere fact they had considered it and obviously discussed with their own families rendered me utterly speechless and a crying dribbling wreck with sheer love for them both.

It is a massive decision and I would strongly recommend that you have your own children first so you know what you are getting yourself into. I would also recommend talking to your friend. For me surrogacy was not an option because I would have needed donor eggs according to doctors so the baby would be nothing at all to do with me. Until you talk to her you have no real idea of surrogacy is something she would even consider.

I think your mum is totally uunreasonable in her response. She has every right to be concerned about the physical and emotional effect on you but at the end of the day it is your body and ultimately your decision.

Good luck

scottishmummy · 09/08/2014 11:42

Feeling awful for someone isnt a substantial enough reason to be surrogate
Its understandable,as base emotion.but it isn't a well thought out response knee-jerk
On a practical,how will it affect your career,have you consulted a solicitor about surrogacy

Original poster

Catzeyess · 09/08/2014 11:46

Scottishmummy, we have been close friends since childhood. She has a long term partner who I am also friends with (as is my dh). It would be their child genetically, I wouldn't consider it otherwise.

Maybe I am being immature, I guess that's why I'm asking for advice without agreeing to be a surrogate without thinking about it. I really really don't want to offer and then back out.

I know she will have to learn to deal with it and I know it's going to be hard for her whatever the circumstances, but the fact she doesn't have the choice of a family member and I am her oldest friend is the only reason I am considering it

OP posts:

Original poster

Catzeyess · 09/08/2014 11:49

There are probably no other friends I would even consider to do this for (honestly!) apart from my sister

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 09/08/2014 11:53

Youre not just the oven though.thats glib.read the hfea surrogacy page
Regards you,are you settled in career,what maternity leave etc will you take
Regards lost earnings etc,have you considered that?will she reimburse you

ShadowStar · 09/08/2014 11:59

Agree that you definitely need to have your own DC first before seriously considering this - as others have pointed out, you don't yet know how your body will handle pregnancy and birth.

From a more emotional point of view, I think I would find it very difficult to be a surrogate / use a surrogate if I already knew the other woman. I think I'd find it easier if the surrogate relationship was with someone that I didn't know and didn't need to see ever again after the baby was born.

Original poster

Catzeyess · 09/08/2014 11:59

I meant in terms having influence over the child is raised, but yes I can see how that comes across as quite glib.

I have a good stable job with good maternity cover (full pay for 4 months) so I don't think that would be a massive issue as things stand. Although I hope to be in this job full time things might change by then. It's definitely something I need to consider. Plus the feelings of any of my own children who might feel like it is a sibling if they watch me carry it.

Thanks for the link!

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 09/08/2014 12:04

Ok,prior to any pg is your maternal mental and physical health good.are you ok?
Is your relationship with dh good,pg tests the most stable relationship its tumultuous
Are you prepared for the reactions of others?youll be pg and return without baby.
you'll need to be robust,adept at brushing off opinion.not anxious or bothered what family,colleagues think

I see your mum completely opposes idea, that'll be hard fir you both

sleepyhead · 09/08/2014 12:05

As everyone else says, have your own family first before you even consider it.

At worst, pregnancy and birth can kill, permanently disable you, or leave you infertile.

notagainffffffffs · 09/08/2014 12:11

I would do it for my sister but not a friend and to be completely honest I would sat adoption is probably best. Thinking of all those children who need love and support breaks my heart anf it seems like such an obvious answer.

Original poster

Catzeyess · 09/08/2014 12:18

I'm not bothered about anyone thinks, and would be open with friends and family. Although ultimately the only person who I think has a say is dh, if he said no I would absolutely not do it. If my mum says no I will respectfully say it's not your decision and hope she would respect that. I have a great relationship with dh (although having kids might test this) have had some anxiety issues in the past and so would see how that manifests with pregnancy etc.

I am so glad I did not offer on the spot! Thanks for giving me an idea of just how many things there are to consider.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 09/08/2014 12:26

Have your anxiety issues resolved?are you and dh in a good place
How will you being on half pay impact on your finances as couple,will you be reimbursed?
Pg has a significant mental and physical health impact,dont minimise because you want to fix it for pal

SweetsForMySweet · 09/08/2014 12:34

While your heart is in the right place, I think you are underestimating how much you bond with your unborn baby(even if it's your friend's iyswim). I suggest you have your own children first before offering to be a surrogate. Don't get her hopes up incase you change your mind later. Surrogacy is a huge commitment and could ruin your friendship. It's not as black and white as you carrying their baby for 9 months and handing it over in the labour room and walking away

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 09/08/2014 12:53

The fact that you wouldn't have an abortion if the genetic parents wanted one if the baby had medical problems is a huge red flag imo. You've said you could consider yourself as just the oven and you are prepared to go through the birthing process so why not abortion? Too much investment before you've even begun. You sound very well meaning but also quite naive.

Original poster

Catzeyess · 09/08/2014 12:55

Scottish mummy you are right I definitely need to consider everything in the light of day and not just because I feel bad for my friend.

Anxiety is mostly sorted (enough for me and dh to ttc) been with dh 9 years, relationship good.

I don't think anything that has been said has made me think definitely no, but I am definitely not going to offer until I have had my complete family, everything went as smooth as possible, If my dh is on board and happy to support me, and I have some idea of my mental state after birth etc.

I have realised though that there are too many variables to think about this seriously at the moment! So definitely won't be talking to my friend about this now. I need to focus on ttc and having my own family first and not feel bad about how that will affect her (be sensitive to her as much as I can of course though) and then seen how I feel

Thanks for the advice everyone! In reality the first hurdle is going to be how she reacts to me being pregnant (when it happens!)

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3